It's just another morning after. Eren lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a long time. The air felt cold in his lungs. It's such a small room. He let his eyes wonder to the corner window. It's the only one in the room. He watches the dust in the air highlighted by the stream of cold, late morning light it lets in. Eren tries to count them for a while to pass time, but it's pointless. He tries to sit up and he realizes how groggy and sluggish he feels. His whole body hurts, but it's like that these mornings. The sex is rough and his body isn't used to it. He's only 15. Levi is always gone when he wakes up. Eren tried to ask him why, but Levi just answered with a vague response and asked him why it bothered him so much. It didn't really. At least that's what Eren tried to tell himself. That Levi was just older and more experienced. That Levi loved him.
Eren remembers the first time they had sex. How he got up early and got dressed in secret and staggered over to the window, nervously trying to keep quiet so Levi could sleep. He wanted to surprise him. He remembered how the scared he was the night before. How worried he was it would hurt, but how determined he was to make Levi happy. He wanted him to love him more. Eren had tried reading Levi's signals. He remembered every little thing Levi did. He remembered how many nights he stayed up going over their conversations and trying to analyze every little thing they said, trying to find a hint. Looking back on it now, Eren can see how foolish he was.
That first night was not magical or romantic – it was terrifying. Eren had never felt that nervous in his life. It didn't feel good at all. He wanted to stop but he also didn't want Levi to think he was still a kid. Afterwards he lay awake thinking about the future. Levi had turned over and stared to sleep. Eren listened to the silence of the room. He could hear it ringing in his ears. With every breath in and out he felt his heartbeat slowing down. It matched the rhythm of the throbbing pain. One thought kept circling in his head: he wasn't ready. Levi didn't think it was such a big deal. He told Eren that he was still a brat and he was making a big deal out of nothing. Having nothing to compare it to and no one to talk to about it, Eren thought it was normal. He felt happy that the relationship had progressed, that he was closer to Levi, but he also felt like he had lost somehow.
This morning was different. Eren had gotten used to the pain, to the blood. He was scared the first time he saw it on the sheets, but Levi said it was normal for someone inexperienced. Now Eren just gathers them up and scrubs it out in secret. He doesn't want anyone to find out. It might hurt Levi, he thinks as he makes sure there's no evidence left. Some mornings he sees Levi in his office. He wonders what he's thinking about. If they run into each other during duty, Levi acts like nothing happened between them. Eren used to be a little hurt by it, but he tells himself it's because no one can find out. He tells himself not to cry.
Leaving the room spotless, Eren sneaks into the kitchen for duty. He had Armin cover his morning shift for him. He sees Eren and looks annoyed.
"Why are you so late?"
"Sorry I wasn't feeling well"
"You always say that. I don't believe you anymore."
"Sorry. I'll take over so you can leave if you want."
"Eren, look at me."
"What?"
"I'm worried! I don't whether you're skipping because you're an idiot or if there's something going on. I want to help you!"
Eren finishes tying his apron but stays turned away from his friend.
"Eren, please answer me."
"Just go! I would tell you if there was something wrong, ok? Stop worrying over nothing."
Watching his friend tear off his apron and walk out, Eren disappears into his head. He can hear the loud noises of the kitchen echo in his ears. He feels like shit. After his shift, Eren tries to find Armin again to set things straight. He can tell how long Armin struggled with saying anything, but he knows he'll forgive him. He always does, they're friends. Armin looks pissed, but after a few minutes of conversation, they're back to being friendly. But they're interrupted.
"Eren, come here a moment."
"Yes, sir!"
Armin looks annoyed again but Eren leaves anyway. Levi asked him to, so he has to go. They both know that. Eren is happy any chance he gets to see Levi.
"Where are we going, sir?"
"Somewhere private."
Even if it's just for a little while.
"Is there something you want to talk about, sir?"
"No."
Eren loves Levi.
"Did I do something wrong, sir?"
"No."
He really loves him. That's why he lets him do this.
"We're here."
That's why he tries to be brave.
"Levi, wait."
But he doesn't. He plunges into Eren like he always does. But this time it feels different. It feels gross. Eren tries to push him away, but his efforts are futile. He is powerless again. Eren feels all these confusing emotions welling up inside him. He loves Levi, he really does. He keeps telling himself that. He keeps searching for an excuse for how he's treated. He feels nauseous. He wants to stop, but he doesn't want to lose Levi. He doesn't want to make him angry. He can feel Levi's nails on his back. He can tell how much he wants it. Eren thinks, that must mean love. It has to.