"I never wanted to be king."
Jack broke the silence that he and his fiancé were trapped in their luxury prison cell. His voice wasn't full of the confidence it usually was. Lucinda looked over at him with a faint look of surprise from the other side of the room. They'd been in captivity for over 24 hours now. It was if Lucinda had come to accept that the silence would never be broken.
Jack was sitting on the ground his back resting against the bed. Lucinda walked over and sat next to him. "Then what do you want?" She asked softly, trying to understand the man that never showed love to her.
"It doesn't matter what I want." Jack looked away, as his eyes reddened. Holding back the pain and tears. He paused for a moment, he could just have not given an answer. Hide away his true feelings from everyone and anyone, as he'd always done. He would never be happy this way and he's most likely die in here. He didn't know why, but for some reason, he just wanted someone he could talk to, share his burdens with. It may as well have been Lucinda.
She looked up at him with big understanding eyes. He turned to return the eye contact. She really did want to understand him.
"I wanted to be me." He started. He began to tell his entire life, a story a lot of people knew parts of, but no one ever knew his side. She listened quietly as he spoke every word. He started with how his first memory was his parents saying that one day, he would be king and married to a beautiful queen whom he would love. As he aged, it'd the strongest message they drilled in, he would have to become king, therefore must behave as a king would. The responsibility as a young child was suffocating. He always had to be perfect, but he always fell short. He was always disappointing his parents, no matter how hard he tried.
He then got to the first change in his life. Finding out he was gay when he was 16. Lucinda nodded.
"You're not upset?" He asked her, his voice wavering.
"… yes. But, there's a bigger picture than me. It's who you are. Please continue." She softly pleaded him continue his story.
He continued, with how he used to try and isolate and get rid of the homosexual thoughts. As he got older it got harder, holding who he really was inside. He then tried hard to obtain a womanising reputation, then maybe no one would suspect the truth, because the truth was too hard for even himself to accept.
Well it was too hard… until he met Joseph.
"Joseph… he made everything better." Jack started to smile, for the first time he'd done so since a long time, recalling Joseph. A smile started to appear on Lucinda's face too. Seeing Jack honestly happy about one memory, it made her happy.
"Tell me about him, what happened to him?" She asked, then immediately regretted it as Jack's warm loving smile faded.
"He… I…" Jack choked struggling to get the words out. The tears couldn't be held back any longer and started to roll down his cheeks.
He started with the confrontation his father gave him. When he found out that his father knew. The way he disproved. He'd have to make a choice. Please his parents and leave Joseph behind, or be with Joseph and have to live with the guilt the rest of his life. He wanted to prove to his dad he was worthy more than anything. This frustration was only driving him crazy.
He was angry, he didn't want to be forced into this situation. He confessed to Lucinda how his uncle had approached him to replace his father as king. In his confusion of what to make of this choice, he eventually accepted it, thinking maybe if he was king, things would be different, he wouldn't have to repress his true personality. Just get it over and done with, make his parents happy, then he would make himself happy. He had felt so lost back then, he really couldn't tell what was the right thing or wrong thing. He had to act fast, because he was falling out of favour with his father, he was desperate. David Shepherd's arrival on the scene only scared him more. David was the perfect prince. The kind of prince he had always fallen short.
It had greatly angered him that not only was he so perfect but that he was in love with his sister. He wished so badly he could be straight and perfect like David, so he changed himself. He explained to Lucinda how he now thinks back and regrets this jealousy. He wished he could have been his friend. He would have been better off as friends rather than the enemies he was tried to make them. He guessed the reason why he was afraid to let him in and make him a friend was in case he'd fall for him. He didn't trust himself.
He then mentioned his meeting with Joseph again. How the words "I miss you." stuck with him, how he pushed him away because he wanted to be with him so badly… but his desire to make his parents happy, overruled what he wanted.
He carried on the story. Then he stopped and he shut his eyes.
"Do you remember the city black out?" He asked for the first time with confidence.
"How could I not?" She responded, unsure of where this was going.
"…'The lights are down. Be anyone you want.' That's what was they said that night. I chose to be me for the first time in so long. I went and found Joseph." Jack smiled again through the tears.
Lucinda's eyes were tearing up, as Jack struggled with every word he spoke. Knowing that they were locked in this room together because his parents no longer loved him and now knowing what he had to give up to earn his parent's love, it had all been a waste.
"When the lights came back on. I realised it was over. I would have to bury myself again, and probably forever. His last words. They still haunt me. 'Was this real?'." Jack's smile died.
The room fell dead quiet.
"…how did you answer?" Lucinda prompted.
"You're the only real thing I've ever touched." Jack whispered his answer. Finding it too hard to say it any clearer.
"Then I left before he could see me cry, but it was too late. He knew me too well. He made a video recording, supporting me telling me that I cannot hide anymore. He saw how it ate away at me. He sent it to me… but it got intercepted. It was brought to my mother's attention. When she asked me about it, I lied. I said I barely knew him. It was true, the person I was pretending to be barely knew him, but I had begun to forget who I really was. I told myself I'd never see him again and all my problems would be solved… but he killed himself that morning."
Lucinda had now seen Jack at his lowest. She pulled him into a tight hug, usually Jack would push her away, but now he needed a friend more than ever. Lucinda now understood.
"I was too cowardly to even show my face at his funeral, but I couldn't stay away, the guilt destroying was my insides, so I hid. I remember how the reverend said that his only sin was not that he hadn't loved, but loved too much. I made that choice. I chose to push him away to make my parents happy, and in doing so I killed the one person that loved me for who I really was."
That night the city had blacked out, as he lay there slowly falling asleep with Joseph in his arms, adorably sleeping in his lover's comfort. Jack had been truly happy. Nothing else had mattered, it was just the two of them. Not the prince and a boy. It was just Jack and Joseph, nothing more, nothing less.
He cleared his throat to move on "To be honest, everything after that was pretty much a blur. I couldn't truly care about anything. I was just a fucking pawn to everyone. I didn't care, what I wanted didn't matter, I would never have it now. So I just let people use me. My uncle, my father, my mother, they all fucking used me to get their own way. They never gave a shit about me. My mother slapped me with disgust when I told her Joseph was the only person who loved me, despite everything I had done to him, he loved me for who I was and I loved him. Both my mother and father couldn't love me for who I am…" he sighed as if coming to acceptance, he would always be the black sheep.
"I couldn't do it. I thought I could truly become someone else, the king my father wanted. I tried. I lied in front the court. I said it without a twitch but I could feel it slowly killing my heart. I knew Shepherd is special. He was so damn loyal to his king. The thing is, when it was sure he would be killed, my uncle and the reverend freed him the prison because they knew he was an innocent man… and you know what he did? He threw his freedom back in their face because he was loyal to the king, even after the king was trying to frame him for treason to kill him. That's not even the best part, after returning to the prison, he called for me. He warned me of my uncle and the reverend, who were plotting against the king. He had a chance to betray the king, and get freedom and justice to himself, but he threw it back accepting his fate and trusted me with that information.
He didn't know that my uncle had already dragged me into this mess I didn't want to be involved with, I tried to leave at one point, but he wouldn't let me. He blackmailed me into being part of it. His loyalty is like nothing I've seen. He was a pawn just like me in this game of chess, expendable and just a tool. Yet somehow he was still the good guy. I think that was the point when I realised, that I was no longer jealous, I was in awe. Then I don't know what happened, but he got to speak with my father and my father must have told him to plead guilty. So that's what he did in the court. He condemned himself to death because he was told to.
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't bare to see him do this out of loyalty and be put to death for being disloyal. No. 'You're too brave to be such a coward' is what Joseph's message was, that is what made me stand up against my father. I was myself, I couldn't let this injustice happen, I couldn't lie anymore, David was going to die if I didn't do anything and he had saved my life more than once. I couldn't let another man die because of me. But in doing so, it only made things fall into place for my uncle and my father wanted to kill me. I actually mean kill me, the only reason I'm not dead is because my mother begged him to give me another chance.
So he made me kneel before him and kiss the ground. At that moment, I knew. He could not be king. I hated him so much, he only used and stepped on people to get his way, but at least the people saw the truth, they saw who he really was. A monster. Then it happened, he was shot.
But, I couldn't do it, I didn't want him dead, I am NOT my father, I couldn't see my own family die, no matter how much they've hurt me, I leaped in front of that bullet. But it wasn't enough. My uncle thought I did it to win the crowd. Truth be told, I'm too much of a coward to pull a stunt like that just so people would like me. I acted on the impulse of true fear of losing my father." He frowned, unsure of his own feelings before carrying on.
"From then on, I was my uncle's puppet. I tried to be a good king, but he shot me down, he suffocated me more than I ever have been before. People died in my name because of him. I tried to get David to help me 'rule' but to avail. There was nothing I could do. I hoped that my father would return like in the rumours, but I was frightened too. He no longer loved me, and he didn't know that I took a bullet for him.
Everyone who may believed in me… is either dead or they've lost that belief.
You saw Thomasina's face tonight. She's lost all hope in me too. Honestly I don't blame her. After what I've done…" Jack really seemed to care.
Lucinda stroked her palm gentility on Jack's cheek, pulling his face to look at hers. "I believe in you."
Those four words, were the words Jack needed. "You do?" He asked, eyes widened with shock.
"Yes. I don't blame you for the things you've done. You're entire life you've been brought up to be someone you're not. You've been used at every chance, then you used others because it's what you've been taught. You used me but I don't mind." She whispered softly.
"Why? Why don't you mind? I've been horrible to you." Jack said with regret.
"Because it was never your intention to hurt me. You weren't looking at the bigger picture, you were looking for your parent's approval. And that's okay, I actually know what that's like. You see my family isn't all that different, okay we're not royalty or anything but my parents thought they were along the same level. Honestly, there was a list of about 5 different men my parents would be happy to see me marry. You were the top of the list. So I was actually using you too… but then I actually developed feelings for you, you are very attractive." She smiled warmly.
Jack followed her lead and felt a smile spread on his face too. "You know, I'm glad it is you. If I was straight I could see myself loving you."
"You don't need to 'love' me, just appreciate me and we can be together as friends, heck you can kiss me make it look real for the public. Now that I know, I'm happy. I assume this means that I will be allowed to date in secret whom I choose?" She said brightly, although Jack could see through it, he often put on the same mask after all. She loved him, she was just trying to convince herself it was okay, and that she didn't really.
Jack nodded his response, but then added "Well, you may have noticed. We're kinda prisoners. I doubt we'll ever actually get out."
"Why me? I haven't done anything." She asked with a voice that sounded strong, but they both knew she was frightened.
"They want us to produce a new heir to the throne." He sighed. Lucinda's eyes showed her shock.
"So we are free, if we have sex?" She put bluntly, hoping for a positive response from Jack but he only shook his head.
"Maybe. If you were to become pregnant, you'd be a prisoner for 9 months, before they either take the child from you and let you go, throw you in prison or they'll kill you."
Lucinda couldn't help but to notice he didn't mention what would happen to him. "What about you?" She asked quietly.
"I'm a dead man. As soon as I've played my part, my life is over." He said emotionlessly. He didn't care at this point, he'd made one mistake after the other. If he was dead at least he'd be with Joseph.
"…and what happens if we don't? or if the child is a girl?" She questioned. Jack shrugged.
A few minutes passed before the silence was broken again, this time by Lucinda. "I have two questions."
Jack stopped gazing mindlessly out of the window and turned to face her again. "oh?"
"This might be a bit… er… personal. But did you ever actually see the body of Joseph, when he died?" She asked awkwardly.
"Yes. I saw the coffin." He responded holding back.
"No, I mean the actual body of him. Did you see him actually dead?" She insisted. He frowned for a few moments.
"…No." He confirmed.
"What if, he's not dead? What if he's in a prison? Just out of the way? Your mother is fully capable of doing that and then if you were to think he was dead, you'd move on and become straight. That's when you found me, and you played along with your mother's plan!" She theorised.
"I… I heard your mother mention a Joseph in the king's personal private prison. She didn't know I was there or that I had heard and to me. After his message of you saying to come out, it gave your mother a reason to clear him from the board, maybe only keeping him alive in case she'd need to use him against you."
Jack stopped breathing. His expression studying the entire scenario his mind, a flurry of different emotions tugging at him. "If that's true, he's about to die! If I'm dead there will be no reason to keep him!" His face looked totally panicked.
"We've got to get out of here and save him!" He said forcefully.
"But how?" She looked up at him. Then she realised.
"If either of us get out, then we know what to do right?" Jack asked her. She nodded.
"Most likely, if any of us get out, it'll be you. They'll probably keep me around until they can confirm you're pregnant, so we may have 2 weeks at best. If you get out, find David Shepherd." He held her hands.
"I will." She confirmed. Jack kissed her on the cheek.
"You're the best wife I could have ever wanted." He whispered in her ear. Causing her to blush but smile with pride. She'd brought back Jack.