Letting Go

by chymom

Harm and Mac have found a way to let go. What is it that they are leting go of?

1I Have no rights to JAG, The Sound of Muisc or the song Man to Man. I am only borrowing them. Any JAG episode might be talked about in this story.

Thank you Darkness Be Minefor Beta reading this one.

The challenge lines are.

Mac: Why are you doing this?

Harm: Because it's the right thing to do. I've stopped trying to stop you.

Letting Go

Harm's stateroom -

I can't believe that Mac just asked me if I wanted to push her in to Webb's arms! After all this time she should know the answer to that without having to ask me. Like I told her if she loves Webb then what I want doesn't matter. Harm sighed to himself, lying down on his bunk.

- Same time Mac's stateroom -

I can't believe I finally got an honest answer from Harm. Given, it was still vague but it was a start. In his own way he told me something. I just wonder what it was he was telling me. Mac was trying to make sense of her and Harm's conversation after they saw Simon off. Let's see, she thought. Harm asked me if I loved Clay. I told him that I might. Harm then asked if I was doing what I always do. Being with Clay but keeping my options open. How dare he? He makes me sound like I have a problem committing to someone.

The more Mac thought the more uneasy she got. At first she was mad at Harm for thinking that she was that way. However the more she thought about the rest of their conversation the more uneasy and the less upset she felt. What did he mean when he told me that if I loved Clay what he wanted didn't matter? Mac thought about their conversation over and over but she still would come back to the last statement that Harm made before walking off.

"If you love him then what I want doesn't matter."

Mac could not understand why now, when she had one foot out the door that would bother her. It was not that long ago that I asked him. Why he only wanted me when he could not have me. Of course he didn't have an answer for me. The last time we were at odds like this on a ship I asked him what he would give up to have me. I didn't get an answer then either but I will get one now. Mac thought as she realised that it had been only an hour since she and Harm had gone different ways. This is the best time for this talk, it's a ship. There are few places we can go to get away and we can't just get mad and yell and not talk to each other for a few days. We are still here for at least the next twenty four hours. I will find out the answers to some of my many questions. Mac told herself. It was time to have the conversation that had been tabled so many times that they could not keep count.

- Harm's stateroom ten minutes later -

Harm heard a knock on his door. "It's open, Mac."

Harm had thought that Mac would be coming to yell at him for the way he had acted on the stairs. Looking at the clock Harm realized that that hadn't been all that long ago. It's only been an hour. If feels like it was so much longer.

Mac came in and closed the door. For this ship to be as big as it was most of the crew that was not on duty was on the other end of the ship. The ones on duty didn't see Mac go in to Harm's room and the few that did knew that they should not question these two officers.

"Mac, I don't want to fight with you about Webb. You love him. I'm happy for you. Let's leave it at that and get on with our lives. I have a lot to do when we get back so if you will excuse me, I need to start packing and be ready for the cod in the morning." Harm told her, only taking a few breaths. Mac was not sure what to say. She had wanted answers to the many questions that she had. However from what Harm had just said the answer would have to wait again.

Ok have it you way Harm but we will talk soon and I mean soon. Mac thought but said "Harm if that's what you want then I will go, but could you come by tomorrow night for dinner?"

At first Harm didn't want to go but for some reason he said he would try. Mac left Harm to pack and get his mind around what was to come, going back to her stateroom to pack and to try to do the same as Harm.

- The next night -

I hope that Harm can make it. I have not heard from him yet to say that he could not make it, Mac was thinking then her door bell rang.

Dinner was ready; the sparkling grape juice was ready for Harm to come pour it, and now who was at her door. Although Mac could not tell you where Harm was all the time like he had once claimed he could do with her, Mac could tell immediately that he was not the one at her door right now. Moving to see who her guest was, she was surprised to see Clay standing at her door with flowers in hand.

"Did I forget a date Clay?" Mac asked, taking the flowers from him and hugging him.

"No Mac, I just saw them and wanted you to have them." Clay explained, looking around the room. It looked as it always did but Clay could tell something was different. What is going on? Clay asked himself. "Mac what would you say to dinner out with me tonight?" Clay asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Clay I would love to, but Harm and I are having dinner tonight." Mac answered, her eyes never leaving Clay's.

'That's what has changed Harm.' Clay now had his answer. "A new case; that was fast. You get back today and this afternoon you get a new case." Mac had picked him over Harm but lately when they had talked about Harm, Mac had a light in her eyes again. Mac was the best thing to ever happen to him and he didn't want to lose her any time soon.

Just as Mac was going to tell Clay that it was a friendly dinner, Harm knocked on her door. Clay watched as Mac subconsciously checked her clothes and the apartment once over before letting Harm in. Clay noticed that she didn't ask who it was or even look through the door to see who it was; she just knew that it was Harm. He saw how Mac's face lit up when Harm was around.

'How did I not see this before now?' Clay asked himself. 'I can't compete with that look Harm puts in her eyes anymore,' Clay told himself.

"Harm, you're on time." Mac said opening the door for him. Harm walked in the door only to stop dead in his tracks, looking at Clay. "Hello Webb. I am sorry to interrupt." He turned to Mac. "I thought you said to be here at 1800. I'll just go we can talk again another time. Have a nice night." Harm said, turning to leave.

Mac didn't know what to say she wanted to spend this time with Harm, but knew that she needed to let Clay know what was going on at the same time. 'What's that saying when one door closes somewhere God opens a window. I wonder where my window is,' Mac thought.

After Harm left, Mac didn't know what to do. She was with Clay and he was the man that she wanted, right?

"Mac, go after him." Mac just let her mouth hang open.

"What did you say?" Mac asked, thinking that she hadn't heard right. Clay was the last person that she would have expected to hear that from.

"I said go after Rabb. You both need to try to work things out and see where you stand." Mac just looked at Clay again for a few minutes.

"Why are you doing this?" Mac asked.

"Because it's the right thing to do. I have stopped trying to stop you." Clay told her.

Mac saw that Clay meant it from his heart. 'I don't know what to do,' Mac thought. Clay answered her unasked question for her. "For once Mac leave reason and logic out of this and just follow your heart." Clay walked out the door much as Harm had a few minutes ago.

'I never thought that Clay would be the one telling me to go after Harm. Then again when we got to South America he was telling me that I needed to be with Harm in his own way. That was over a year ago now. Has it really been that long?'

- The wall -

"Dad, I don't know what to do. I thought we were getting somewhere. Mac asked for me to come and eat, and from what I saw yesterday talk. But when I got there Webb was there with fresh flowers on the coffee table. I can't do this anymore. I love her but I can't keep setting myself up to get hurt. Dad Will you help me help me move on and wish Mac and Webb a happy life? I can't do it on my own." Harm had been talking to his dad for over two hours. He needed to get a lot off his chest and he needed someone who was not in both of their lives. That way no one had to be pulled in between them. No one would have to keep what he was saying to themselves, and most importantly he was free to tell his dad how he truly felt for Mac without hearing an 'I told you so'.

Mac had only waited about ten minutes after Clay left to go and see if she could find Harm. She had called his phones - both of them - leaving messages on his home phone and on his cell. "Where did you go Harm? We need to talk and we can't do that if I can't find you," Mac spoke aloud in her car. Then on the way to Harm's, Mac thought maybe he went to talk to his dad.

Sure enough that was where she had found him.

Harm was just telling his dad how many years he had loved Mac. But now Harm could see that all those dreams were one-sided and holding him back."Dad, I love her, but I can't make her happy. If you have any pull in Mac's life please make sure she's has a happy life full of love with Clay..."

Harm kept going on but Mac didn't hear any more. What she had just heard was not meant for her to hear. Mac could not help wishing that Harm would tell her what he was telling his dad. "It's always easier for me to talk to your dad when something doesn't go right for me either." Mac said, trying to sound as if she had not just heard what he had said.

Harm didn't turn around, acting towards Mac as if he had not heard her. "Harm, Clay just showed up tonight. When I talked to him this morning he was out of town and was not going to be back till late tomorrow." Harm still didn't say anything or even move. Mac was starting to think that she might have been wrong to have come here to talk. She took Harm's silence to mean that he wanted to be alone.

Turning to leave, Mac said the one thing that had been eating at her for years now. "Harm, I love you and I hope someday you can forgive me." Then she walked back to her car and left.

Harm was listening to every word that Mac had said. When she had told him that she loved him, all Harm wanted to do was say it back to her. But as always there was something holding him back. But unlike before, he now knew what it was. It was not his fear of letting go. It was not his fear of being hurt. It was his fear of getting in the way of what he wanted most in this world. It was the fear of hurting Mac.

Harm knew that she had heard some of what he had told his father. That was not a problem. The problem was Harm didn't know whether Mac telling him that she loved him had to do with her feeling like he was leaving her, or if she had really meant it. Harm had hoped that she had meant it, but couldn't shake the feeling that it was just cause of what had been going on this past year.

"It better not be because Webb hurt her." Harm told his dad. "I may not be able to love her the way she needs to be loved but I will not stand for the man that she wants to be with hurting her."

Harm then told his dad goodbye and headed to McMurphy's. He had thought about going to Mac's but knew that if he saw her now that he would not be able to stop himself from doing one of two things. One if she were to kiss him Harm new that there was no way he could refuse her anything that she wanted. Two being that he would fight with her and walk away for good. The first one was something that he wanted but knew it was too soon for them to do that. The second one had been a last resort for him.

- McMurphy's -

When Harm got to the bar he got a beer. Intent on getting very drunk, he gave his keys to the barkeeper. The barkeeper only took the keys and served him a beer, not knowing what was going on with this man tonight, but by the fact that he now had his keys it must be a bad night. Harm just sat there for some time just looking at his beer, yet to take a sip. After a few minutes Harm felt a tap on his shoulder. Turing he found a very upset Clayton Webb.

"Why are you not with Sarah?" Webb asked.

Harm looked back to his beer and answered. "I don't want to get in to this with you right now Webb, and so you know, what goes on with me and Mac is none of your business."

Webb was now upset that he had walked out on Sarah tonight, trying to be the bigger man. It was no secret that Harm and he did not get along like best friends. Webb knew when he and Sarah had started seeing each other that Harm felt for her but had yet to tell her. "Rabb you're an idiot. Sarah loves you. I have no idea why, cause you sure don't deserve her."

Harm was just about to tell Webb to get lost when someone must have picked up on what was going on with these two men cause the song that came on the jukebox now was Gary Allens' 'Man to Man'.

The song was talking about one of the men thinking that the other stole his woman. Right now that's how Webb felt about Rabb. The song went on to say that the woman was real and not just something that he could pick up and let go when he wanted to. To Harm that is just what Webb was doing to Mac. If it was convenient for him, Webb would tell Mac he loved her and would be there for her. But if Webb wanted to get away or go out of town for a few days and it was no longer convenient for him, he would just throw Mac aside.

Harm and Webb listened to the song for a few minutes until Harm looked over at Webb. "Webb, Mac is happy with you for some reason. I don't know what happened tonight before or after I left, but I do know that Mac was unhappy when I saw her. I don't want to know what you did or didn't do because it's none of my business. But I do owe you a broken nose and worse depending on how much you hurt her."

Webb was beside himself had Rabb not talked to Sarah when she found him. "Rabb, I may have had a hand in Sarah being upset tonight but I am not the only one. For reasons that I can't define Sarah loves you. I have tried for the last year to get her to let me into her heart, only to find out that there is no room for me there. Her heart is full with you Rabb, no matter how much I try to deny it Sarah loves you. I am just a poor substitute for you in her life." Harm looked at Webb the whole time he was talking, not stopping.

Just then Mac walked in to the bar. The barkeeper had called her to let her know that Harm had come in. Since Mac had called early to find out if Harm was there. When she found out that he was not there, she had asked to be called if they saw him. Harm didn't see her come in. However as soon as Mac was close enough to talk to, Harm asked without turning to see her. "Mac what are you doing here tonight?"

Webb jumped as if he had been burned. Webb had his fist ready to hit Rabb for being a pain and not seeing what was in front of his eyes. Unlike Harm, Webb could not tell that it was Mac that had come in the door. The two men were at the end of the bar with a lot of people around them to see what was going to happen next. Webb didn't have a clear shot to see the person coming in the door, just that the door had opened.

Mac saw how much of a difference there was between Harm and Clay. Harm was always looking out for her. If there was something that he could do to help her. Clay did help her out but not without wanting something in return. Mac saw that Harm didn't look at her, but knew that she was there. Webb, from the way he acted when Harm talked to her, had no idea she was there. To Mac that spoke volumes. She had always felt like she and Harm had more of a connection, and now she knew that it was still there, even after all that she had done to him to push him away and to try to move on with Clay.

Clay and she had not had that strong a connection as she and Harm did. With Clay she couldn't tell that he is at her door. When Clay walked in to a crowded room Mac could not tell you that he was there. That was something Mac had not thought of before. It was different with Harm. When he would walk in a room the hairs on her body would tingle and she would feel his presence. But with Clay that would not happen at all. Clay could be within a few feet of her and sometimes touch her before she would know that he was there.

Mac had not answered Harm's question, so Webb turned to his left to make sure that she was there. It had always made him upset that Harm and his Sarah could know just where the other was. This sixth sense also kicked in when the other was in danger. There had been many times in the past years that there connection has come in handy and now it was like a burden to him. 'I am not grumpy, I just want for Harm to leave me and Sarah alone, and let us live without him in our lives,' Webb knew that if Harm said she was here, then she was so as he turned, he asked her to go outside and wait on him.

Mac was just standing there looking from Harm's back to Clay turning to look at her. Clay asked her again, looking at her to go outside and wait on him. Harm again said nothing. To Webb's surprise he didn't even move. It looked to him as if Harm was just sitting there drinking not paying any attention to what was going on around him. To a point he was right. Harm had told his dad that he wanted his help to help him move on and get over Mac. So whatever Webb and Mac did was not any of his business.

Mac noticed that Harm was just letting things go. 'How nice that now he can let go, 'Mac thought to herself. Then it hit Mac why he could now let go. Harm Sr. was helping his son to move on with his life. That thought scared her.' Do I really want for Harm to move on and leave me?' Mac thought.

Clay was now looking at Mac and asking her to wait outside for him. To her it was like Mic telling her that he was waiting on her. "Clay what is going on?" Mac asked. Clay didn't answer her. Mac asked Harm.

Harm didn't look at her but said, "Clay and I were just saying goodbye before I left." Harm had made up his mind if he were going to get on with his life without Mac he would have to move on. He could not stay here and watch as she and Webb played the happy couple; he had done that with the other men in her life. It was time to accept that he was not going to get to be the one that lied with her at night. He would not be the one to be with her in the morning when the kids were leaving for school. It was time for Harmon Rabb Jr. to grow up and let go. In his eyes it meant letting go of dreams that were never going to come true. Harm knew the road ahead was a long one but for the first time in his life he was ready for it.

Harm got up and walked out. Mac stood there looking at where Harm had been and then at the door. She could not tell you what made her do what she did, or how she ended up in his arms, all Mac knew was one minute she was looking and asking what Harm had meant, and the next she was being held by Clay. It took Mac all of two seconds to feel that this is not where she wanted to be.

Clay walked out the bar after her with his head held back and his nose broken again by a lawyer.

Mac had not been fast enough to stop Harm from leaving the bar, but she was going to make sure he didn't leave her life without having her say. Harm had his say, now he was going to find out that what Mac wanted was to be with him no matter where they were or who else they were with; as long as she had him that's all that counted.

On the drive to Harm's loft, Mac thought about some of the conversations that she and he had over the years.

"Did you love her that much?" Mac had asked standing in his kitchen.

"I didn't know how much till she was gone." Harm had told her.

That is what Mac was feeling right now. Instead of Harm getting the wakeup call, she found that she'd gotten it. Over the years men had come and gone in her life. There were few things that had stayed the same over the years. She was a marine and Harm stayed by her side. You know that saying about let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours and if it doesn't then it was not yours to start with? Mac thought of more times with Harm.

"Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life together, someone comes along and jumbles them all up. I feel like there's a big whole were my heart used to be." Mac had told Harm standing on the steps at JAG.

"Do you love him?" Harm had asked her at her engagement party.

I had told him that he didn't get to ask that. Looking back now I see that the answer was no, I didn't love Mic, but yes that I loved Harm. Even then my feelings for this man were love and not just friendship. How did we get to this point?

Mac was almost there when her phone rang. "Mackenzie,"

"Ma'am, do you know how we could get in touch with the commander? The General just called and asked if he was really going to leave. Ma'am why is he going to leave? Have we done something to upset him? I know with Mattie being with her dad now a lot and me being out more that he is feeling kinda left out, but to leave JAG? Ma'am do you know what's going on?"

Mac had feared this would happen when Harm left as he did. "Jen is Harm home now?" Mac anxiously waited for Jen to answer her.

"Yes Ma'am he just pulled in." Jen said flatly."What do I do? I don't know if he wanted me to know since he hasn't told me yet. But how do I not ask him what is wrong since I do know Ma'am?"

"Jen I am not far behind him if you can keep him from leaving his loft until I can get there I will see what I can do. Did the General happen to say if Harm had taken some time off or not?" Mac knew that she was putting Jen in a spot but had to know.

"Yes Ma'am the commander is on leave for the next week. From what I understand to get his mind in focus, but from the way the commander has been for the last few weeks and how the General talked I think he is pretty much leaving Ma'am."

Mac was now less than five minutes from Harm's. "Jen thanks. If you can keep him there please do, and I will see you soon." Mac ended one call and began another.

"Sir, I am sorry to call at this hour but I was wondering." That was as far as she got before Creswell cut her off.

"Mac, I know why your calling and yes you may have the next week leave but that's all I spare you. I hope that you can help the commander out. He sounded upset when I talked with him. This was not some spur of the moment decision for him. Mac, I understand that change is hard but I need to know what has changed for Harm to make this choice."

Mac had noticed that Creswell had called him Harm but didn't say anything. "I understand, Sir. I will try my best to see what I can do." Mac said pulling in to Harm's parking lot. "That's all I can ask, Mac. Good luck and please keep me informed." With that Creswell ended the call and Mac went in to the elevator in Harm's building.

"Jen, I am just moving to Blacksburg. It's not that far. I will still be around; you will still see Mattie and me both." Harm was saying as Mac came to the door.

"But why, Sir. Did I do something wrong? Is that why you're leaving again?" Jen asked, the sound of tears in her voice.

"No, Jen you did nothing wrong. You have been great for Mattie and I both but my place is not at JAG anymore. My time there has come and gone. I had a wakeup call in court the other day. I am not getting any younger and its time that Mattie had someone that she could see."

Mac was just getting ready to knock when she heard Jen say "Sir, if this is about the dragon lady then know that she was wrong. We all know how you care for Mattie and how well you do your job. There is a fine line that we all walk, Sir. Some of us are better at it then others but it's still there. We must all keep walking, because when we stop walking Sir, that's when you fall," Jen said walking out the door right into a stunned Mac. Jen had just summed up both Harm and Mac's lives in one simple statement.

"Thanks Jen, see you in a bit?" Mac said walking in to Harm's loft closing and locking the door.

Harm was by the window in the kitchen above the sink. Just like he was the night she had first learnt of Diane. "Harm she's right." Mac said leaning against the door.

"Mac right now is not a good time. Why don't you spear me the psych 101 and get on with what you need to tell me. I have packing to do." Harm would never intentionally hurt Mac, but he had all night. But if Mac looked back she had done the same to him over the last year.

"Harm what changed?" Harm knew what she wanted to know but didn't want to tell her. Instead of talking Harm left the window to start packing for his trip. "Where are you going? How long are you going to be gone?" To Harm the first question sounded stern and demanding but the second sounded like she was more concerned for him.

"Mac, I will be going to see Grams for a few days and try to figure out what I want to do." Mac was waiting at the top of the steps to his room as Harm was putting clothes in a bag. "Mac I have a lot to do. I will see you when I come back to get my stuff. Feel free to use the loft to get away when you need to for the next few weeks." Harm stated, walking to the bathroom.

"Harm, thanks but I was going to get a way this week. I want to go see another Sarah. I am really looking forward to spending some time with her." Mac was hoping that Harm would pick up on what she wanted to do. Harm did pick up on it but was unsure of what to do.

"Mac, I appreciate your concern for my safety but don't you think you would be better off at your home with Webb, then at Grams' farm with me?" Harm had said it almost as if it was easy for him but Mac knew that it wasn't.

"Harm, there is no Webb. That is what I have been trying to tell you all night. At first tonight I had wanted to know why what you wanted didn't matter to you. That is something that I have wanted to know since you said it. Then when I heard you at the wall tonight I knew why, and I knew that you had been pushed to your limit. Harm please let me go with you, if for nothing else then to show you that your dad is helping you to get over me. Just not in the way you were thinking." Mac said hoping that he would not get mad at her for listening to his talk with his dad.

"Mac, are you packed or do we need to get some things?" Harm asked still not looking at her.

"I have all I need in the car but one thing." Mac said as Harm turned to look at her.

"Where do we need to go to get that one thing?" Harm asked closing his bag and stepping towards the door." Mac noticed that he had not picked up on what she meant so instead of being vague and getting mad, Mac stopped Harm and looked him in the eyes.

"I am missing you Harm; just you." Mac said then walked out the door.

Over the week at Grams', Harm had let go with Mac more and more. They had talked about a lot in that week's time. There was nothing that had gone on in the last years that they hadn't talked about. That's not saying that Grams had not had to come in between them a time or two, but in the end the whole time had been worth it for both of them. Harm was going to stay a few more days at Grams', but Mac had to come back to work in two days.

That morning Mac was looking at herself in the mirror in the room; she was in lost in thought. So much so that she didn't feel Harm till he put his arms around her. "Mac, thank you for putting up with me, not just these last few days or even these last few months, but these last few years. You have been here through most of my 'options' as you call them and you have not left me. Even when I was not with you at JAG you still would not let me go. For that I have to thank you." Harm said, and kissed Mac's cheek.

Over this last week Harm had been doing just that kissing on the cheek or forehead. There had been no earth stopping kissing or make out sessions yet, and surprisingly Harm and Mac were both happy with the way things were going. Most people would think after almost nine years of being around each other and not having each other that once they let the other know that they loved them there would be no stopping the making out for some time. But when had they done anything the same as the rest of the world?

"You're still going to leave JAG, aren't you?" It was asked as a question but meant as a statement.

"Yes, Mac I am, but not for the same reason as before. Mac, I am ready to let go and see where we go. At JAG I am not free to do that. I for one have had enough of one of us not being free to do what we feel we need to."

"Why have you just now told me this? Why not tell me this last year before I left?" Mac knew that she was playing with fire, but if anything this week had taught her, if she wanted to know something then she needed to ask it.

"It was need to know Mac." Harm said with a shy look on his face

"I guess I needed to know then." Mac said, looking at how they looked in the mirror with Harm's arms around her and her head laying on his shoulder.

The rest of the time they had together had a few more bumps but a lot more healing. The day Mac left, Harm took her to the closet airport, paid for the ticket much to Mac's dismay, and told her for the first time out loud that he loved her. That was all Mac needed to know to know that there was no longer a big hole were her heart was supposed to be. Finally all the pieces of the puzzle that was called their lives were coming in to place and no matter what happened when Harm got back to DC, Mac knew that when he had walked out of McMurphy's that night a week ago it was the last night that he was ever going to walk out of her life.

THE END

Any and all honest feed back is welcome