You believe in second chances. You believe in second chances and third chances and… well let's see, how many times have you and Derek gotten back together? How many times have you tried to start you life over? How many ties did your mother, yes even your unloving, tightfisted mother, give in to one more demand in the hopes that you would straighten up and turn your life around?

And you did. After a last fight and a whirlwind trip around Europe with Sadie getting wasted and having sex in with random men. You came home and went to med school. You and Derek have a relationship now, one that does not end in breaking up after every fight. You built him a house out of candles to beg for another chance and it worked.

And your mind? Is fucked up. You know that you are malleable, because you spent your life until you were twelve trying to be what she wanted you to be and then after that being exactly what she did not want, because you just could not do it. Now you're somewhere in between, but the voice is still in the back of your head.

You think people deserve chances. You stick up for Alex, for Cristina, for anyone hwo has made a mistake because you have made worse ones and you have Derek. People who have made mistakes that are of less consequence deserve the best they can have too.

So you went to the excecution. You chose to believe that he needed someone, because what if one tie Derek had not believed you when you said 'I need you'? What you had not expected were the families. The people who had had their loved ones ripped out of your lives by this man. You have seen families like this before, but always in the context of medicine. You are always there to say "we did everything we could" just as Bailey taught you. And this man killed their daughters, their wives, their sisters on purpose. He chose to take their lives away.

You understand. You suddenly, painfully understand Derek's certainty that he canot, will not be like this man. He saves lives and the difference is huge. But you promised to be there for this man, who has no one else, so you meet his eyes. Everything is loud and metallic. You follow the IV with your eyes, remembering the countless sedatives you have administered. The thought of patients who die on the table and who have gone through a similar experience to this man makes you feel suddenly ill.

And then… and then. The people watching clap. They hug each other, because this man is out of their lives. You want to run. You do. The guards follow you out and once you are outside in the cold air you wonder what is wrong with you. They are allowed to be happy. Except.

Except it won't bring their loved ones back. And another life has been taken off of the planet, taken without a fight or a group of people who would do anything to reverse it, whose job it is to fix it. It was someone's job to do it. That sounds incredibly wrong to you.

The sounds echo in your head. You want to go home, but you are afraid that you will go home to an empty house. If that happens you will regret the consequences. You found the tequila Izzie hid. Maybe that will keep you from letting these tears from coming. You don't understand where they are coming fro and that scares you.

But there is Derek. Looking at you like he does not hate you. You don't know what you expected, but it was not this. you expected hi to sulk for days, to have to bring him around. That's what it would have been like before. But here he is. He's giving you a chance to explain and it won't matter what you say. He has accepted you.

You have done something right this time around.

And you're not going to be able to stop the tears.