My Father's Sin

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of the ceiling fan

Immobile, static, stationary

A name is called out

Who could it be?

Mocking mocking my brain turns on

Appear, arrive, embark

Heavy feet like blocks echo in the hall

The crunchy gravel sounds of scissors

A dog barks

Discreet, halcyon, soundless

A bug tickles my left foot

There is no clock to know when

Boots are taken off

Jacket unzipped

Turn page.

Beating, pounding, racing

His breath is hot licks of fire on my neck

It's smell makes me shake

"Get up, boy." in his thick mouth

He rolls the words like cigarettes

Erect, mount, rise

The light from outside is gone

Dim lamp for me alone

He takes my face in his hands

I don't look at him

Apprehension, disquiet, unease

The couch hits me in the back

"In." pointing to my room

Then push, my wrists in his large hands

The door swings laughing

Anxiety, trepidation, unease

My ceiling is yellow

Brown spots dirty in the corners

Water stain shaped like a baby

It's arms stretched out to me.

Slash, split, tear

I will never be what you need,

But I will do.

Fury, rage, hate

My covers smell like mold and sweat

It is familiar and I grab it tight

Protest, object, remonstrate

He presses against me

I can feel it, feel him wanting

By my body says "No."

Slit, slice, gash

There is dirt under my nails

He puffs and groans

The mattress squeaks and gives under me

I will not cry

I cannot cry

Agony

His sweat sticks to my skin and burns

I can feel the hair on his legs

Anguish

I see them

I let them take me

Demerol, gambade, capering

Grunt

Inirritability, imperturbability, chalance

Pant

Eulogy, satire, idyll

The sudden stillness that tells me to breathe

Suck air into your lungs and don't let go

He is off

Whispers by my face

But I cannot hear

"That's right, Teddy."

Disgusted, repulsed, sickened

Icy fire pushes through me

He brushes my hair away and kisses my cheek

Don't breathe

Finally, the bed creaks

Feet across the damp floor

Request, query, demand

He will open the refrigerator

Pop the top off a bottle

The chair will creek under him

The click then noise of the t.v.

Then I let go of my breath

And feel the damage

Screech, cry, scream

I swallow the acid that wants out of my mouth

I grab the gray pillow in front of me

Again, I sleep with a wet face

Evaporate, disregard, disappear

Until it isn't dark outside

And I can forget to know.