Chapter 1

There was no denying the beauty of Nashville in the early morning hours. The sun seemed to cast a glow in the morning sky, in direct contrast to the cloud hovering over her. Rayna stared out of one of the windows in her very large, but also very empty house. That emptiness spoke volumes to the void she so strongly felt in her heart. Walking away from the window, Rayna poured herself a cup of black coffee and sat down to read the morning paper, but like every other moment she found herself alone, she began reflecting on the happenings of the last several days.

Her mind took her back to the night before the wedding when she had showed up on Deacon's doorstep, after calling off the wedding and ending things with Luke. It hadn't been easy, but she knew without a doubt it was the right thing to do. She just couldn't do to him what she had to Teddy for 14 years. Rayna felt like a bundle of nerves and excitement as she knocked on Deacon's door. Deacon opened the door with a hint of surprise and a brief flicker of hope, before something different, unrecognizable clouded his eyes. Eyes that were once filled with so much passion and emotion were now empty, a mask instead of a window into the songwriter's soul. Rayna's heart constricted with the knowledge that she was responsible for a vast portion of that change.

They stood still, staring at each other, neither moving from their spot on the porch. Rayna finally broke the silence and asked to come in. Without a word, Deacon turned away from her and walked into the house, leaving her to enter on her own. Deacon stopped midway into the living room and turned to face her, his expression blank, exhaustion evident in the telltale circles under his eyes and slump of his shoulders. This was the look of a defeated man. There was no mistaking that the last several months had taken their toll on Deacon. Rayna stood motionless as she thought about how much she and this man had been through, this man who she now realizes is the one and only man she is really ever going to love. It had certainly taken her a long time to finally come to peace with that truth and to accept that no matter what had happened in the past, the two of them were bound in a way that no one else could ever truly understand. What once seemed almost suffocating in its intensity and because of her own fear, now felt like a lifeline. Theirs was the love of a lifetime.

Things had somehow shifted in the months since Rayna had accepted Luke's proposal and essentially walked away from any chance of a future with Deacon. She couldn't say for sure when her feelings started to shift, but somewhere between agreeing to become half of the King and Queen of Country and an over the top rehearsal dinner for an extravagant wedding that would have been the media event of the year in Nashville, Rayna James realized that she didn't know who she was anymore. She didn't recognize the woman looking back at her in the mirror. She had allowed herself to get sucked into the media frenzy that the world had dubbed, RUKE. She had become the sellout that she had spent her entire career intent on avoiding and criticizing others in the business for falling victim to.

As she had sat at her vanity staring into the eyes of a stranger, she thought back to the last time she felt like a whole version of herself. It wasn't with Luke or Teddy, or even her beautiful girls. Instead, her thoughts focused on the one person who had always grounded her, who always fed her artistic appetite, who had always managed to make her feel that what she had to say, whether in the form of music or in a screaming match over something that would seem trivial later, DEACON.

That realization is what brought her to Deacon's door. As she stood in front of him trying to gather the courage to verbally own up to the mistakes she had made, Deacon stood rooted to his spot on the floor. He was staring straight at her, but at the same time, looking through her, causing the confidence Rayna had when she had walked through his door, to falter. Through tired and sorrowful eyes, Deacon asked, "What are you doing here, Ray? Shouldn't you be rehearsing, or whatever it is you're supposed to do the night before a wedding?"

Rayna debated within herself whether she should begin with how things had begun to change for her in the previous months or whether she should just take the plunge and say what she had come to say. Taking her cues from the impatient look on his face, the latter won. "There isn't going to be a wedding. I ended it with Luke, the wedding and the relationship." Rayna saw a short lived flicker of hope cross Deacon's face, but as quickly as it had surfaced, it disappeared, replaced by a distant expression Rayna had never seen before in Deacon. Willing herself to continue, Rayna said, "I just couldn't go through with it. Luke is a good man, but the truth is my heart was never really in it. I tried so hard to make it work but I inevitably failed. I could stand here and tell you, tell myself, that it was because of all the media frenzy or because the girls weren't happy with the idea of me marrying him. But while those things were factors, the truth is…" Rayna paused and collected herself, trying desperately not to release the tears that threatened. "I couldn't marry Luke or any other man for that matter, because I still and will always love you, Deacon!"

Deacon let out the breath he had been holding. If only she had shown up on his doorstep two days ago, before everything had changed. God, the irony! The woman he had loved with every fiber of his being for the better part of his life had just said what he had been longing to hear since the night at The Bluebird when she didn't show up to hear the love letter of a song he had written for her. Instead, she had chosen Wheeler. It still stung every time the memory surfaced, but if he was honest with himself, he understood her fear of taking another chance on him. He knew that he, Rayna and his sweet Maddie wouldn't survive things falling apart for them again. But now, here she was telling him she still loves him, and he has no choice but to deny himself the love of his life, permanently this time. There was no way he was going to put her though what was sure to be an inevitably painful and horrible road to the end. Two days ago he had given in to Scarlett and gone to the doctor. He had been fatigued constantly and so weak for the last few weeks, and Scarlett had finally nagged him enough to see a doctor, so he went, if only in his mind to shut her up. But what he hadn't expected was to find out that not only had his alcoholism cost him a life with Rayna and years with his daughter, but it was officially going to kill him as well. He had listened, completely stunned, as the doctors told him his diagnosis was cirrhosis of the liver. His liver was giving out and because of the damage that had already been done, his only real chance for survival was a transplant. Deacon watched as tears fell from Scarlett's eyes and she grasped his hand, but he said nothing, trying desperately to wrap his brain around the fact that he wasn't going to watch Maddie grow up. Her future, nor Rayna's, was going to include him.

Shaking his head, he brought himself back to the present. As Rayna stood in front of him, soul laid bare, he did the only thing he could. Deacon took a step back from her, needing to put more distance between them in order to maintain his resolve, and said the words that he knew would haunt him for the rest of his life, regardless of how short it was, "It's too late, Rayna! I can't do this with you again. Too much has happened for us to ever be able to move forward. We're done!"

"But…..," interrupted Rayna.

Deacon watched as the tears she had been holding back started to lose the battle and fall onto her cheeks. He hated to see any woman cry, but Rayna's tears brought a special type of devastation with them. Wanting so badly to comfort her, he started to take a step towards her, but caught himself before he reached for her. Holding Rayna was something he was never going to do again!

"Rayna, we just keep going around in circles. I've finally realized everyone was right. We ARE toxic to each other."

"But that's just not true, Deacon! We're a part of each other. We belong with each other. You said it yourself. You, me, Maddie, and Daphne, we're a family!" There was a desperation in Rayna's voice that hadn't been there before. She felt him slipping away from her, felt their chance at a future together becoming less and less tangible. Deacon had never told her he didn't want to be with her before, that they were toxic together. He had always been the one defending their love when their critics threw their ugly words into the universe. But the look on his face spoke volumes. His face and his eyes were void of any emotion. That look of love that had always been reserved especially for her was gone.

Deacon watched as she processed his words and saw the panic she was feeling start to creep into her features. He knew at that moment the only way to convince her that what he was saying was true, that he was done with her and them, was to truly hurt her. He had no choice! He would do anything he had to if it meant sparing her at least some of the pain the people he loved were going to endure.

"Just stop it, Rayna! You come in here once again expecting me to forget all the shit that has happened, to forget that once again you walked away and chose someone else. I waited 14 years for you, Rayna! 14 years! I laid my heart out for you, only to have you crush it again. How many times am I supposed to just roll over and pretend you haven't broken my heart, my trust? My God, Rayna, we made love that day and you told me you would be at The Bluebird to sing with me and then you didn't show. You left me standing there completely ALONE! Why the hell would you sleep with me if you knew you were going to choose him? Was it your way of giving me something to remember you by? Was it pity? You broke me, Rayna! You made me feel like nothing! Once again, I was left in the wake of the great Rayna James, barely keeping my head above water. It would have been so easy to go down that rabbit hole again, but I didn't, and this time it was in spite of, not because of you. I can't keep putting myself in that position anymore. I will never be good enough for you. You will always be waiting for me to fail. I'm done, Rayna. From here on out, our relationship will be raising our daughter together, but that's where it ends."

As he finished, he walked straight past Rayna to the door and opened it for her, giving her no opportunity to explain or defend herself. He needed her to leave, before his resolve broke and he begged for her forgiveness for the words that had so easily fallen from his month. The tears were flowing freely from Rayna's eyes now. She turned towards him and for the first time in Deacon's life, he saw a broken Rayna James. She looked lost as she forced her feet to move towards the door. He refused to meet her eyes when she passed him. That's when she knew—Deacon Claybourne was hiding something. She had no idea what it was, but somehow, it gave her a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, Deacon wasn't completely lost to her.