II. Red Roses
Kohane-chan
"For the reason that there's so much experiences to live through,
so much more pain to go through…but even with these thoughts in mind, I'll try."
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"Roses are red, violets are blue.
But the roses have wilted and the violets are dead."
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Disclaimer: I don't own CCS nor the song I took the lyrics (the italicized text; except for the italicized quote above) from.
Chapter 1: In a Heartbeat
In a year, you could grow older in maturity.
In a month, you could make a new, true friend.
In a week, you could be dumped by your significant other.
In an hour, you could find yourself love struck as a teenager with hormones on rampage.
In a minute, you could experience every known and unknown emotion in the world.
In a second, you could realize the tables have turned against you in that crucial match.
In a heartbeat, you could have your heart with cotain nothing less than a black hole, tugging, pulling, numbing the heart.
"It's all so stupid," I groaned.
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"It would be nice if we could put away and throw out everything
except what really mattered, but reality is just cruel."
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"Are those particular thoughts in your head again?" Tomoyo sighed.
"Yeah, I daydream too much. I should just go live in fiction or something," I whined.
I hate this feeling of hope. I don't want to hope for something I already know isn't possible, because the more I hope, the more I get caught up in my dreams though I know what's going on, the more the pain gets intense and I know how much pressure that would be on my emotional stress scale.
"Remember Sakura, you can't lose what you've never had."
"Hey! I've never said anything along those lines!" I complain to Tomoyo as she just shrugged.
"Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe she has a prince charming," I recited faithfully.
Though I guess it's also fault on my part that I allowed myself to believe in fairytales.
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"In such times, I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes."
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I've hated sappy, cliché, romance stories since I got a taste of the pain that's hardly mentioned in those stories I used to read.
The same stories that made, and to this day, make me believe that there's hope in everything and that there would always be a silver lining.
I should've been smart enough to know that it's true that it's hard to carry silver with you all the time.
Stupid, and definitely a stupid childish comment, that silver is hard to carry with you at all times since sometimes it could become heavy. It's quite literal and usually used as a joke. But it's usually in child-like quotes that the truth is hiding behind in.
Life is tough and that's no 'murder in a locked room' case you have to carefully analyze by the given clues and work out yourself how and why certain things happened and ended up wherever they ended up.
And because life's just unfair and tough, no matter how many times you remind yourself that there would 'always be hope, a silver lining to look forward to,' some things aren't quite that simple. It doesn't work that way.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, some people realize that and simply relieve their selves of that 'silver lining,' learning better by now.
I myself would like to think that I've learned better now, and there's most definitely no hope of Syaoran-kun and me.
But apparently, something inside my head or my heart seems to act otherwise. A child inside me (not literally a child, child) is still wishing. That side of me still believes that Syaoran and I could be together someday is inside, still waiting, believing, and holding onto traces of hope that fairytales and fan fictions I've read, and currently reading.
I blame myself for falling for that, but I can't help but hope. Though the question could never leave me, "Is me and Syaoran being together even possible?"
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"In such times, I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes."
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"I'm not going to tell you to get over him. That never works. Plus I know it's hard for you too, I'm just going to say this Sakura, the higher you are, the more painful the fall. But at least you had experience!" Tomoyo winked as she thought of her afterthought.
"Gee, thanks for the silver lining," I sighed.
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"In such times, I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes."
- -
Aimlessly walking in the neighborhood and stumbling upon a rose, a red rose.
It's open, fully bloomed, ruby red petals glistening with leftover spring-morning dew.
Admiring the rich, velvet, ruby red petals, and eventually taking it, willing to admire it further along the way rather than loitering in one spot conspicuously in some random backyard.
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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There are times when some people become absent minded. When coming back to reality, the realization that there was something done that wasn't thought of, a random spur of the moment action.
One such example is when looking back, the velvet, ruby red petals are found contrasting greatly with the dull gray concrete path upon which many steps have been taken on, the ruby red exquisitely decorating the plain path.
Like what had once been either one or all thoughts, dreams, or hope of a whole entity, now scattered upon various places when the subconscious decides that it's too heavy, maybe even bothersome or boring to always carry something so rich, beautiful and whole. So therefore decides by itself to ruin it, just to remind you that nothing is forever whole, but also to remind that maybe not all things that aren't whole are broken and that life isn't always beautiful.
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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And as there's not a soul in the area, the wind carries off the ruby red petals…
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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"Why did he have to be…well, ancient?" I asked Tomoyo. Somehow, I don't get why life needs to be unfair, why does it feel like there's something we have to learn, can't we all just be equally happy?
I just really don't understand equivalent exchange at times, what's equivalent with when there's happiness there's sadness when sadness will always be greater than happiness no matter what. Something that could've made you the happiest person in the world could be dampened by just one tiny little detail of a bad news. Because that tiny flaw could be the undoing of what would've been the greatest turn point of your life.
Tomoyo laughed, she had a right to laugh since I did exaggerate a little when I said he was ancient.
"There's no need to be so mean, Sakura. But I don't quite think 28 years old is so ancient."
"Well actually…with a 14 year old, yes, he's ancient. Besides! Don't you feel it's, well…weird for me to think this way right? At least dad was just 11 years older than mom…well, that's a bit wrong too. I mean, Syaoran's literally twice my age!" I blabbered on and on.
I kept up on making excuses to make myself admit that us together is impossible. I think I've failed in that one. I'm also badly failing at making it seem like I'm getting over him since I'm not fooling myself.
"Sakura, just admit to yourself that you do want to be with him, and that you may possibly be in love with him and maybe the acceptance that you two is quite… far off will start to sink in," Tomoyo nodded understandingly, showing that she had agreed on her own advice.
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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So apparently, I'm not fooling Tomoyo either.
"…Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly.
"One shall never know…" Tomoyo smiled mysteriously before adding quite cheerfully a carefree, "besides! Advice never hurts the giver!"
"That's supposed to help me...how again?" I asked.
"Sakura, you didn't ask for help."
"So that makes it my fault now?"
"Depends on how you look at it..."
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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In a heartbeat, you could have your heartbroken by various reasons.
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"For those which I should love,
for that which gives me love, I will do what I can."
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I decided then and there that I'd give up. There's no such person that never gave up at least once in life. Positive thoughts, bright smiles and sheer hope doesn't necessarily get you through everything, some things aren't quite that simple and there are a lot of things we can't control.
And if ever that miniscule chance that Syaoran and I do end up together, no on will take it seriously anyway, and with that sort of reactions, I'll try my best to forget about Syaoran anyway, it's what's best.
- -
"It would be nice if we could put away and throw out everything
except what really mattered, but reality is just cruel."
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And who knows? Maybe this self realization is what I'll need most…
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"In such times, I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes."
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"I'm just a kid anyway, aren't I?" I remark cynically...
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"People are all sad, so they go and forget, but ---"
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...to fully understand that everything is nothing and that nothing is everything…
And everything will eventually end up in pain.
Perhaps the only thing we know is that it may be possible to change just how much or how little the end will hurt.
I could only try to cope.
But I'll promise to do my best anyway.
I'll always remember this promise.
A promise I made to myself.
"I'm not going to say it's all right, when we both know it's not. I'm just going to say that it's really hard to cope, Sakura. So I'll be here whether you need me or not."
I smiled and nodded at Tomoyo, my best friend, my confidant, my supporter (of sorts).
Smiling forcefully, I allowed myself to follow her; both her and her advice. But not without taking one last look back at the mocking blue sky, the green field with its wind-carried ruby red petals and happy blades of grass weaving over each other as the wind rode above their tips.
With one last glare, I turned my back on the mocking scene and went on ahead to start trying to get over Syaoran; which I knew was harder than memorizing every inch, every bow of the little blades of grass that waved so openly-mocking at me.
But what will come will come, and I had to either let my love grow more as I wait for it to look me in the eye, or walk straight towards it before I let my love grow stronger, eventually leading to more pain anyway.
I decided for the former, and that's what I'm going to do, even if it will hurt me.
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"For those which I should love,
for that which gives me love, I will do what I can."
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END of part 2 of 3.