I'm Lost Without You

Disclaimer: We've been over this before… I DON'T OWN IT! There's no need to rub salt in the wound!

A/N: Ok so I had this idea for a story and thought I'd write and post ;). So this is set Season 1 finale EXCEPT! Seth and Ryan left let's pretend that Theresa (Whore) never existed.

At one of Holly's 'infamous' parties 2 teenagers were in the middle of a heavy make-out session. One of them knowing it was wrong still initiated moving to another room. Little did she know that her boyfriend was watching all this from the corner of the over-crowed beach house.

Summer and some guy she couldn't remembers name moved into the spare bedroom. As they entered someone in the party walked out. Then all of a sudden as if a slap on the face she remembered who she had entered the party with. Her boyfriend.

She sighed as the boy tried to pull her shirt off. She, like so many times before, pushed him off readjusting her shirt she left the party. Leaving a very confused adolescent boy.

Seth Cohen lay down in the sand as he thought over the last few months. How stupid could he have been? Of course she didn't really care about him. He was just the sweet innocent boy that she could use to loose her virginity to and savour it rather then some drunken one-night stand at a party familiar to the one that he had just left.

After all the drama they had been through concerning her dad she had just turned to old ways just forgetting about him. No matter how much he loved her it was never enough. And it was then that he realized. He wasn't enough. He couldn't save her she was just meant to be a part of the 'In-crowd' ignoring Seth, hanging out with so-called friends and drinking.

Summer stumbled out of the beach house waving a good-bye to one of her old friends who she could care less for. She couldn't even remember why she had come to this party. She knew that Seth was adamant on not coming. But she used her seduction skills on him and he broke and went with her. Now she wished she had just stayed with Ryan and Marissa. Earlier on Ryan and Marissa had offered to double date to the movies which Summer declined even though she could see Seth would rather be there and not some lame party. And when she got there she had immediately left Seth at the door to go off with her old friends.

She looked out to the beach and saw a sad figure hunched over sat down on the figure and she knew who it was. It was her boyfriend. Or whatever her was now. She could have rage blackouted her own ass for cheating on him in front of him. Here he was coming to a party that he didn't want to be at she had forced him there and him being him had gone with her only to be cheated on in front of. She loved him. There was no doubt about it but she wouldn't admit it to herself let alone Seth. She knew he loved her but he didn't say it because he knew it would scare her. And she guessed that that was the reason she had kissed that random in there. The fact that he loved her so much as to not say 'I love you' to her.

Seth knew she was coming. In the quietness of night he could feel her stepping closer and closer. He braced himself for whatever was coming next. Would she say sorry and they'd be fine or would Seth go mad. Neither knew not even Seth.

"Hey" She managed to say. She felt as if her heart was beating so hard that Seth, a few feet away, could hear it.

"Finished making out with randoms?" He asked bitterly. He couldn't bring himself to look anywhere other than the darkness far ahead of him.

"Uhh…" Summer didn't know what to say. She had kissed someone right in front of his he was bound to be pissed. Well a little more than pissed. "Yeah" She said still not sure what to say as the hesitation came out in her voice.

"Well I'm glad but you know what you can go off and kiss whoever you want were through" Seth managed to spit out he stood up brushing sand off his jeans. He made eye contact with her for the first time since she had arrived. He could see pain and hurt in her eyes and all he wanted to do was take her in his arms, kiss her temple telling her it was going to be ok. But he couldn't too much had come between them it was time to face the fact that the geek never truly got the girl. Maybe in films but never in real life.

Summer felt tears burning her eyes. Threatening to fall down her perfect face. Because that was all her life couldn't be. She had done this to everyone drove them away. Her mom left because of her and now the only boy she loved was leaving her. Because of her own actions.

"So this is it?" Summer said the tears that were once threatening to fall had finally made traces down her face. This was the first time he had ever seen Summer cry. Or show any signs of weakness. Although the phone call to him when he was in Vegas he was sure he could hear the tears in her voice.

"I guess" Seth's quiet and hurt voice kicked in. He looked at her for one last time savouring her image that was already burned in his mind. As he looked at her she looked like the little girl that had entered school at just 13 years old faking a smile to show everyone she was happy but underneath it all she was cracking, falling from perfection due to her mother leaving her just the weekend before. Seth could only watch from afar when she had interacted with everyone faking the smile so much her cheeks strained. And this same 13 year old stood in front of him only in a 17 year's old body.

"Please don't do this Seth…" Summer started. Summer previous drunk state changed into a rather sober one. Seth closed his eyes this was going to be hard.

"Look, Summer, we're going to have to face this sooner or later… we're not meant to be together I'm meant to stay at home every Saturday reading my stupid comics and your meant to be out partying drinking and god knows what else. There's too much that has come between us Anna, your popularity, your dad, Vegas and now this we just have to stop kidding ourselves it was fun while it lasted and I'll always love you but this is it" Seth said not even a hint of a ramble or sarcasm to be seen. Seth had said all of this every feeling, doubt or insecurity he had felt in the last 3 months were finally coming out. Not ready to get a Summer rage blackout or to see her not caring at all Seth turned on his shoe and started walking towards his house not too far from the beach.

Summer stood on the beach realizing everything he had just said. He was in pain because of her. And it was here that Summer Roberts decided that she was not going to give up on Seth Cohen and she was never going to hurt him again. She didn't care how much it took she was going to prove to him how much she loved him and was willing to do anything.

Seth walked home checking his watch. It read 11:29 which meant his parents would still be awake wondering why he was home and why he was so depressed when all he wanted to do was curl up in bed listening to Boyz ll Men.

He entered the foyer to see that his parents and Ryan and Marissa were still awake watching movies. He sighed entering the family room.

"Hey sweetie" Kirsten said pleased to see her son. But then when she noticed that Summer wasn't by his side making sarcastic comment's at his expense and the sullen look on his face.

"Where's Sum?" Marissa asked expecting to see her best friend with her boyfriend since they had become inseparable since they got back together after their dad. Yet all she was greeted was her best friend's boyfriend looking even more depressed then when he was a loner with no friends.

"I don't know probably kissing every guy she can get her hands on" Seth spat out once again. Before turning around again not wanting to deal with questions went up to his room.

Kirsten stood to go after her son. She could tell he was in pain over something. As she stood a hand blocked her. Expecting it to be Sandy she turned round to see Marissa hand extended.

"Let me" She said standing and going towards the stairs. She knew if she had judged right that Summer had cheated on Seth and she had experience from Luke.

She quietly knocked on the door.

"I don't want to talk anyone" Seth's voice came from behind the door.

"It's Marissa" Marissa said showing she wasn't leaving. Seth sighed and opened the door for Marissa. When he opened her was immediately attacked by her arms and enveloped into a hug. He looked a little awkward at first but soon just relaxed into it. As Marissa pulled away.

She took his hand in a friendly way and led him to his bed. She sat him down taking his desk chair for herself.

"So you wanna tell me what happened?" Marissa asked. "I'm assuming it has to do with Summer and this party?"

Seth just nodded his head at her assumption. "We uhh went in and she sort of just went off with Holly and other people" Seth managed to start saying even though it was hard to relive that night he knew he needed to talk to someone. Marissa just nodded and placed her hand on his hand in a friendly way. Helping him to continue his story. He noticed Marissa's hand and looked up and smiled at her. It may have been a small weak smile but Marissa took it as a victory as he carried on "And then all of a sudden I see her on this guy's lap making out like there's not tomorrow forgetting I was on the other side of the room. They went into a spare bedroom so I just lost it and left" He said. Close to tears but deciding not to cry in front of Marissa. Yeah they were friends but there was some pride Seth kept. "So I'd had a few drinks and decided to take a walk and clear my head from everything. I was sitting on the beach and she starts trying to explain but I just told her that maybe we weren't meant to be together" Seth concluded.

Marissa was shocked she could see where Seth was coming from. She had never seen Summer as the type to cheat. Since her mom left her at 13 for a man that she cheated with. And she had heard all the tears when her and Seth had broke up so what was her deal. Marissa just hugged Seth again not knowing what to say. "I know what you feel like cos you know Luke cheated on me… and if you ever need to talk just come and find me cos I mean Ryan's not one for words and I'm sure you won't want to talk to your parents" She said into his ear before pulling back.

Seth nodded "Thanks Marissa". Marissa nodded knowing he was thanking her for coming up first to talk to him.

Marissa left. Leaving Seth to think on his own. She sighed walking down the stairs.

An anxious Kirsten sat on the chair waiting for Marissa or Seth to come down. When Marissa came down she saw that her face looked a little shocked.

"Is he ok?" She asked before Marissa had even a chance to sit down.

Marissa shook her head 'no' "Not really"

"What happened?" Ryan asked.

"Well I won't go into details cos I don't know what Seth would want all I'll say is Summer basically cheated on him and then he broke up with her"

Everyone in the room looked shocked as she said that.

Marissa sat back down next to Ryan snuggling into his shoulder and neck.

"So should someone go and see him?" Sandy asked.

"Not at the moment I think he just needs time you know?" Marissa said. Everyone listened to Marissa after all she had been put into the same situation when she was with Luke. Well maybe there were the few differences that Seth was actually in love with Summer and that Summer hadn't actually slept with someone else and kept it going. But it was definitely similar.

Seth lay down onto his bed not sure what to do. He was nervous for some reason he felt the need to walk around his room before flopping onto his bed and then getting up again. The sounds of Death Cab could be heard in his room as 'A Lack Of Colour' began and for the first time Seth seemed to really connect with the lyrics. Even though it wasn't his mistake it just seemed to be connected to how he was feeling.

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

As that verse played one line seemed to burn into his mind.

This is fact not fiction

It seemed like that was how he was thinking about Summer. This was fact they couldn't be together anymore. One of them was bound to get hurt in the end and in a way Seth was glad it was him. At least now he wouldn't have to live with worry that he might hurt Summer. He rolled over in his bed becoming restless again. As he rolled over he found himself facing a picture. It was only taken a week ago when they had been in Vegas. There were 2. One of him, Summer and Ryan laughing at some smartass joke Seth had just said. And one that Ryan had taken of Summer and Seth without them realising it. Summer was looking ahead of herself and Seth was kissing her temple as his arm was around her. And they looked genuinely happy that all the drama had been cleared up.

Summer woke the next day. She smiled thinking of what her and Seth where going to do that day. But then it all came rushing back to her. The party. The kissing. The break-up. Her smile quickly turned into a frown which quickly caused her eyes to well up as she saw one of Seth's shirt draped over the back of her chair. She stood up cautiously the hang over kicking in and walked over to the shirt. She carefully picked it up as if it was a newborn baby and smelt it. It smelled like Cohen. Her Cohen. Well not hers anymore. He'd broken up with her.

She sighed and turned towards her radio switching it on. Before undressing to head to her shower. Half an hour after taking a cold shower to help her forget the night before and shake off the hang over. As she came out of the shower Mariah Carey's voice filled the room.

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself

'Guess I didn't know you
'Guess I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

Summer couldn't help but feel that this song was exactly what she was going through. She had pushed Seth away afraid to love him and to be loved by him. She tried her body with the song on repeat as she listened to it more intently each time it was played. She pulled some juicy sweat pants and a DKNY tank top out of her closet. Pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail. Flopping to her bed. She seriously needed some girl talk. She took out her phone and dialled speed dial number 3. 1 being Seth and 2 being her dad.

"Hello?" Marissa said into the phone even though she already knew who it was.

"Coop, it's Summer" Summer said into the phone

"Oh hey Sum" Marissa said she spat out her name. She was irritated that she would do a thing like that to Seth. She didn't know who her best friend was at the moment. It wasn't like she was choosing a boy's side over her friends. Well it kinda was but she had good reason due to the fact that he was her boyfriend's best friends and also one of her best friends.

"What's wrong with you?" Summer asked she too was irritated here she'd had this big emotional break up with her boyfriend and her best friend was acting weird.

"Oh I don't know maybe the fact that Seth was nearly crying when he came home and I was the only person he spoke to on arrival" With them words Summer felt like dying. Seth had almost been crying over her.

"He told you?" Summer said.

"Yeah well he knew I'd been in the same situation with Luke I guess he felt like he could tell me and I wouldn't make any comments like Ryan, Sandy or Kirsten"

"I didn't mean to it's just…" Summer started before getting interrupted by Marissa

"You just what, Sum? Because last time I checked you said you would never cheat on anyone after seeing how your mom had hurt your dad?" Marissa said taking a breath she didn't even know why she was so mad she just hated the fact that Seth had been torn up about Summer "Well all I can say is that your turning into your mother because Seth was hurt last night"

"I'm sorry Coop I was just over whelmed" Summer stated almost crying. Which wasn't a very Summer Roberts thing to do. She contemplated these thoughts. Well the old Summer Roberts had gone out of the window about half a year ago.

"Over whelmed by what?" Marissa said starting to calm down but she was still pissed at Summer.

"His love for me" Summer almost whispered as if she might cry.

Marissa almost told Summer she would be straight over to hug her and let her cry over Seth while formulating a plan to get back together with him. Almost but then all of a sudden Seth's face last night popped into her head; his eyes deep and teary. His face drawn from colour as though he might pass out any second.

"So he loves you and you just thought 'oh right because he loves me I'll go and hook-up with a random right in front of him before moving onto the bedroom'" Marissa said. "Well Summer Roberts you are a slut and you get everything that is coming to you" Marissa shouted before slamming the phone down. She sighed and lay back on her bed when a soft knock was heard. She knew who it was and smiled to find Ryan at her door. She greeted him with a hug and peck on the lips.

"What are you doing here?" Marissa asked.

"Well Seth's mood seems to have picked up so I thought maybe we could go to the pier?" Ryan asked. Marissa nodded. And Ryan picked up that there was something wrong "You ok Marissa?"

"Yeah well kind of…" she said trailing off.

"What's wrong?"

"Well before you came in I phoned Summer up and we had an argument" Marissa said. Ryan sighed he had an idea that this was to do with Summer. He didn't even like Summer that much but he mostly stuck up with her because of Seth and Marissa but it seemed like all ties Summer had to relate to him were being broken. But any like he had had for Summer went when she cheated on Seth. He had thought she was better than that. But obviously not. He sighed putting an arm around Marissa.

"What happened?" He asked sincerely not showing any dislike he had for Summer that was growing by the minute.

"Well she just went off on how she was 'overwhelmed by Seth's love' and a load of crap like that. So I sort of said she was like her mother called her a slut and hung up." She finished with an innocent look in her eyes

"Look she's your best friend Seth's mine you don't need to row with your best friend cos she cheated on mine" He said. "And why the hell do I feel like we're on Jerry Springer?" Ryan said trying to lighten the situation. In return he got a small giggle, which turned, into a frown.

"I know but Seth's one of my best friends too and just seeing him like that last night and hearing her saying she was overwhelmed by his love is all crap. I just want things to go to how they were before they broke up over her father" Marissa sighed leaning her head on her boyfriends shoulder. "We should go… if Seth's feeling better" She said. Before leaving the room heading towards the range rover.

Seth sighed as he saw Marissa slip her hand into Ryan's. He couldn't help but miss Summer. Not just because he was in love with her. But for the companionship. The joke's made towards RyRissa. He sighed and faked his smile that he'd had on all morning convincing Ryan he was fine when all he felt like doing was crawling back into bed. And forgetting everything and everyone.

Marissa entered the front of the car glancing back at Seth. She could see him smile at her but she could see beyond the smile. She could see the hidden sadness, fear, anger and hurt in his eyes. She was master of the fake smile she knew what went into it and she knew Seth was just putting a brave front up for everyone else not to worry about him. She smiled a sad smile at him as they headed to the pier.

After a couple of Balboa bars the 3 had decided to walk down the beach. Marissa had been keeping an eye on Seth that afternoon noticing his absence from the conversations. No sarcastic comments, no non-stop rambling. Seth Cohen was changing in front of them. And the only thing or person to get him out of his funk was a certain brunette that was currently locking in her bedroom crying.

Summer gripped the porcelain sink in her bathroom feeling worse and worse. She didn't know what was up with her. It wasn't her hang over because she didn't even drink that much. Well she did just not as much as she had before and her hangovers weren't that bad. Maybe it was her broken heart but then why the hell was she throwing up.

She walked over to her cell phone booking an appointment with her doctor. Dr.Milano was a doctor close to her dad. She had to be at least 25 years old but she was the nicest doctor Summer had had. And with her father being one she had had a lot of them. When her appointment was confirmed she decided to change her sweats to something she could wear outside. Yeah she had a broken heart but she wasn't about to walk out the house looking like it. Maybe there was still a little of the old Summer Roberts in her. Although when she was dressed in her designed jeans and a comfy yet fashionable top with her hair and make-up done. She still couldn't help but think she looked worse. Like she was trying to be something she wasn't. Which she was. She just groaned grabbing her purse and walking out of her room.

After her tests Summer sat in the waiting room of the doctors office. She remembered the last time she was here getting her regular check up. And Seth had taken the day off school just to come and hold her hand. She had freaked out the night before thinking that there might be something wrong. So he offered to take her. Due to her father not being out of town. And when he was there holding her hand all her nerves were out of her system. She wished he could be there to hold her hand now knowing something was up when Dr.Milano had asked someone into her office to discuss something. Summer knew she was the only patient with Dr.Milano so this must have been about her. She felt her hands shaking. And almost didn't hear her name being called.

"Ms. Summer Roberts" The friendly receptionist called. Summer stood and walked over to office pausing as she held her hand to the door. Knowing something was up. Little did she know that what she was about to find out was going to change her life forever.

As she walked in she could feel Dr.Milano's eyes on her. She took a seat opposite her.

"Summer…" She started "I've known you for many years and this may come as a bit of a shock but you're pregnant" Dr.Milano said. Summer sat down taking this all in. She was pregnant. With Seth's baby. He would be happy. Over the moon. And so was she. If she was still dating him. She noticed she was holding her breath she quickly took a sharp intake of breath. And put her head in her hands.

"Summer?" She heard Dr.Milano's voice call. Summer pulled her head up and looked at the friendly young doctor. "You have a few options you can keep the baby, put it up for adoption or there's abortion" She said being as comforting as she could. Summer shook her head unsure of what to do. She needed Seth here to help her. Holding her hand cooing in her ear that it would be ok. That they could keep the baby and raise it on their own. Or telling her that he'd stand by her every decision. How was she supposed to know what to do when she couldn't even ask the father?

"Do you know who the father is?" The doctor that had made her way from behind her desk to the side of the young girl enveloping her in a hug.

Summer graciously accepted the hug and nodded.

"Well may you should ask him?" Dr.Milano asked pulling away but still staying near her.

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"I cheated on him last night and he found out and then he broke up with me" Summer sort of whispered it felt good to talk about it with someone considering her best friend had called her a slut this morning. This just sort of confirmed the suspicion.

"Well at least talk to him, I mean at least find out if he wants to abort it or keep it and then you two can decide your futures together and don't worry I won't tell your father" The doctor said standing up and smoothing any creases down in her skirt. Summer just nodded once more. Grabbing her purse and leaflets that the doctor had given her and fled the doctor's surgery.

As she sat in the car she let her hand run over her stomach as if she could already feel the baby. She knew that there was one thing for sure. She couldn't abort her and Seth's baby. She didn't care if he didn't take her back she would raise it on her own.

She let a smile play on her lips as she continually rubbed her stomach. As if introducing herself to the baby. When she had finished she started her car up. Making the familiar way to the Cohen's house. Wondering how Seth would react.

Ok so there's the first chapter! I hope you all liked it! Tell me what you think! I'll post more ASAP!