Chapter 2: Chapter 2
Disclaimer: SM owns everything
Chapter 1: Rude Awakening
..beep!...beep!...beep!...BEEP!...BEEP!...BEEP!...BEEP!
SMACK!
My hand stung a bit after hitting the snooze button hard for the third time this morning, knowing for a fact that I couldn't put off waking up much longer. I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't slept well for quite some time now, and the black marks under my eyes were proof of this fact.
damn annoying alarm clock!
I thought to myself as I dragged myself slowly out of bed and went on through my morning routine. Pft..morning routine my ass...all I did was brush my teeth and get dressed. I barely paid attention to my hair now days. I didn't care...
Four months...
I said as I glanced up from my book bag to the calendar I have still on the same month since...I closed my eyes and stopped myself.
No...don't think it...
At night, my mind wrestled in darkness while the nightmare's drank my soul, leaving it empty and thirsty for morning's light to embrace me. Those were the only moments of relief... welcoming the morning to escape them.
That is how my day begun, waking relief and dreading progression. I barely paid attention to getting ready, going to school, coming home, eating dinner, doing homework, and getting ready for bed. It was routine. Even when all I could do was sit and stare out the window waiting for his return, for him to say it was all a mistake...but he never came. It was routine, my viscous cycle for the past four months. Ever since...he...left.
His voice replayed in my conscience like a melody burning that hole wider and leaving a ripping ache it's place.
'It will be as if I never existed'
The echo of abandonment froze my insides from within, halting my steps or faltering my footing and finally overtaking my calmed exterior making my knees wobble. Proof of this weakness is preserved in the many purple batches I now wear on my knees. Bruises that covered my legs when strangth and motion betrayed me.
Every morning I arrived at school and encountered visions of their presence...of...him. And every day I found my self staring at their parking spots, their table...memories of...him.
lies...damn liar...
The tears stung at the back of my eyelids every time the memories of their lies flooded me.
The only truth in his words was that...he...didn't...want...me…
...he. didn't. want. me.
I moved as if in a trance...robotic. I saw the worry in my friends eyes'...
...in Charlie's eyes...
I was so lost in my routine that I failed to notice Charlie trailing behind me. As I stepped outside towards my truck to make my way to school early...since I wanted sometime in the library to finish my speech for my AP English class on "the pro's and con's of abortion after a violent encounter". He cleared his throat behind me trying to get my attention. I opened the old truck door, small flecks of rust sprinkled the grass covered ground.
"Bella," he said placing his hand gently on my shoulder.
"Yeah Dad," my voice sounded hollow, and I know he noticed. It was raspy, and if my appearance didn't show my miserable state, my voice certainly did.
"You didn't eat anything, honey," he noted. ..it wasn't a question...
I leaned on the side of the truck, absentmindedly wrapping my arms around my middle.
"umm...I...wasn't hungry," I shrugged my meek reply.
He grunted his a response, but made no attempt to leave me so I took it as he still had something on his mind.
Over the next 2-3 uncomfortable minutes we stood awkwardly standing there, his face got a deeper shade of red as the seconds trickled by till he finally got the words out.
He sounded angry...really angry...at me...but his eyes showed fear.
"Okay Bella...I've had it!...enough! You hear me?"
I flinched at his tone of voice.
...he hasn't yelled at me since I was a child...
Lately, he treated me as if I were fragile and with understanding. This was a total surprise.
...well, not really...he got fed up with me too...
"wha...?" I started to answer but he cut me off.
"No Bella! You cant keep doing this...," he motioned up and down my body, "...to yourself!"
I was about to respond, but again I was cut off by his angry rant.
"...you are packing your things and going down to Jacksonville with your mother...and before you say anything ….yes...I think some time with her would do you some good." I was speechless...I had nothing...nothing but the panicked-shocked expression drawn on my face. He looked down grimacing sheepishly as he paused for a second, then continued when I didn't respond...softer...gentler. "She is a woman...she and you can talk...figure how to help you get out of th..."
I finally was able to brake through the shock and interrupted him.
"what?...n-n-no!...please!...give...give me some...more time!" My eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall any second...it wasn't hard for me to cry these days.
My response didn't seem to stir confidence in him. He mumbled some unrecognizable response and he started off towards the house shaking his head. My body reacted by reaching out halting his retreat in mid step. He turned his body half way towards me, crossed his arms over his chest...this was not Charlie...nor was he my father...this was Chief Swan...respected, intimidating law enforcing officer.
I let my hand slowly fall back to my side.
"Ch-Dad...listen to me, okay?..." I tried to make my lips move but the words were just stuck somewhere in limbo.
He took a deep breath, his anger dissolving and leaving behind only pain...his pain. I see what watching me was doing to him...it was killing him to see me this way. This wasn't his attempt to get rid of me...he was trying to save me.
...from myself...
He looked at me with sadness in his eyes...a father's look of concern that brought forth more sorrow than I could handle. My tears began to flow freely releasing his worry and absorbed by the painful ache in my chest.
"Bella...I-I...," He put his hands in his pockets, as he slumps making himself look small...scared...like a child...
Vulnerable.
He continued in whispers..., "I can't...see...[sniff]...I can't see you...d-destroy yourself...li-like th-this..." I gasped as I saw a tear fall on his cheek while he continued in whispers that became more silent as he went on until almost inaudible as he backed away from me. "...I-I can't...I just can't, baby girl...," he confessed.
I can't let this happen...I can give up on me but I can't see him give on me too...not when I need someone to hold me.
….no...please...don't leave me...
My hand reached out, my eyes went blurry with more tears than they could handle, and my breath came in short supply. I was hyperventilating now.
"...l-l-let m-m-ee tr-try-yy...pl-lee-eas-s-se..."
….not you too,
please...don't say you don't want me too...
"NO, BELLA! YOU BARELY EXIST ANYMORE!" he yelled though tears and my body shook, not from the sheer volume of his voice...but from his words.
'...It will be as if I never existed...'
Could I had been trying to make myself disappear too?
I never heard him get closer to me but I felt him shake me back and forth a bit, then stop, and repeat the same action twice more...as if he is trying to wake me from one of my infamous terrifying nightmares. He continued talking low and slowly...like willing me to understand the danger I was putting myself in.
"...you don't speak to anyone...stopped receiving your friends calls...Hell! They don't even CALL anymore!..." he paused as he panted a few quick breaths, then continued...relentless as if it was his last hope.
"..you don't read your favorite books...ignore your assignments at school...your grades are plummeting...yet you are always at the library...you don't eat anything...barely drink anything if not coffee. Its unhealthy, ...damn near insane, Bella!...don't you see?"
He paused one more time, and placed his hand under my chin moving my head so he could see my eyes. I wasn't the only one that has been suffering through this.
"You've become a shell...empty...a zombie...you're not even here right now...are you?" He whispered the last two words to me as he cleaned my tears.
how could I have been so blind...
I took a deep shaky breath... my breath scarce and shallow as I spoke, "...I'm so-sor-ry...I gave u-up...please...don't l-lee-eave m-mee-e..." He then put his arms around me and rocked me side to side.
"...ohhhhh..." he cooed, his embrace tightened, willing me to believe, "...I'm not leaving you, Bella...I just...I don't know what to do anymore...I don't know what to do...how to help you, Bells."
We stood there for a while...the rocking had slowed to an almost stop.
My head had started to pound badly, but I noticed that both of us were more calm now. Its was very strange to be held by my dad. It's been so long since Charlie gave me a hug that was full of emotion, since he is not one for emotional displays and actually avoids times like these like the plague.
...I got that from him.
It felt nice, but I needed to focus now. I needed to change his mind so I loosened myself from his hold and he...slowly...reluctantly, loosened up as well...seems like he missed hugging me too.
We took a step back from each other in awkwardness..., "Ahem"...he cleared his throat..."...umm...go upstairs and clean up your face, okay? You are late for school now..."
"...y-yeah...I know.." I scampered.
"...I'll give the school a call and take care of it."
I went in and did as told...looked at myself in the mirror...my eyes were red where they should be white. I brushed my disheveled hair, splashed my face with cold water to bring down the swelling around my eyes, maybe even the blotchy redness of my face and took a deep breath.
I took another look at the mirror...I stared at the girl looking back at me...
...it's not me...it can't be me...
'Oh...but it is...,' said a sarcastic voice inside my head...and it continued
'It will kill you to think of... him'
The girl in the mirror flinched as if being struck.
I reached for her as if to give her comfort at the same time as she reached for me...asking for help...but there was none.
she has to let go...
'..it's killing you already...that he is not coming back' ...wince...
...I know...It hurts too much...
'...that's why you must let him go...'.
...I just...I cant...
'...you must...'
...I will die...
'...no...but you will...if you don't let him go...'
….please...I-I can't...
'...he is not coming back...he told you...you know that...' pause '... he is not coming back...say it'
...I can't...
'...you must...'
...no...
'...yes...'
...why?...
'...you have to...to live...,' the voice warned.
...It will hurt...
'...yes...but it will get better...I promise.'
I took a deep breath...looked at the girl in the mirror and decided that the voice was right.
"H-he-e... i-is-s... n-not... com-ming... b-ba-ack..."
I felt the hole in my chest screaming at me to stop! I had to brace myself against the sink counter to avoid sliding like a heap of nothing. The voice was relentless...lashing at my moment of weakness...pushing me...
'...Do it! Do it again!...,'it insisted.
My breath was quickening, getting shallow,...my eyes swelling again with the sting of tears to come...
'...AGAIN!...' It demanded.
...my chest tightened...one of my hands grip the counter harder...
"H-he... is-s... n-not...[swallow thickly]...not coming... b-back..."
I leaned forward releasing the counter, letting my arms circle around myself tightly...breathing in and out faster...chest tighter...tears free falling again...I felt nauseous...
'...breath in - breath out...c'mon...don't stop!...say it...AGAIN!...' The voice instructed...like a drill Sargent...
...breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out...
"H-he... is... n-not...coming...back..."
My hand went to cover my mouth as I dry heaved. I felt pain shoot straight up and down my spine ...the treacherous hole was trying to rip all the way through me...
'...SAY IT AGAIN!..and just KEEP BREATHING!' the voice said trying to encourage me but I could feel the desperation behind it...I begged for it to stop...
...no I can't...please...
'...you must...or you'll die...c'mon...think of Charlie!...'
...breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out...
"H-he... is... n-not... coming...back..."
The hole pangs around the edges trying to expand...
'...AGAIN!...,' It ordered.
...breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out...
.'..PANG!'...like metal crashing upon metal... 'PANG!..'.
'...c'mon...more...more...'
"He... is... n-not... coming...back..."
'...AGAIN!...'
'..PANG!'
The pain...I felt the menacing hole scream bloody murder and recoil in itself...like a demon...
'...YOU CANT GET RID OF ME THIS EASILY!'
'..PANG!'
Fear struck me then...
what if I can't ever get better and keep...disappearing?
It's right...It wont go away...
'...yes we can!...Do it! DO IT! DO IT NOW!...'
...time stopped and then...blissful numbness...
...like Novocain...
"He... isn't coming back..."
I felt lightheaded...but the pain subsided...
'...he was never here to begin with...'
Then it hit me...
...he never really loved me, did he?
'...no...but now...now you know...it's time...move on...'
I stumbled back...away from the girl in the mirror. Her suffering as evident as can be...realization hit...that girl is me...
My back finds the wall...I can't back up any more, and I just stand there. Slowly my arms find the strength to lift my hands to my face...but before they touch my face, my eyes leave the mirror, and fall on to my hands...I watch them in awe.
"...he did this... to me...," I said out loud...not expecting a response.
"...yes...he did..."
-...To be continued...
Soooo? How did I doooo?