Confessions of a Backer
Synopsis: This is not typically what I would write on a normal day, but I wondered why there were no stories considering the backers in "The Producers", so I decided to take a name of my own and use it toward my advantage.
My name is Touch Me-Feel Me. I can assume that by my name I am the loving type. Well, I am in more ways than one, I assure you. I know what you are thinking. You might believe I am a lady of ill-repute. I am by no means a prostitute, I have sex because I want to, and I savor every minute of it.
I am simply an elderly woman with passion that glows even brighter in the autumn of my years. I wrote these confessions because many people would often ask me what it was like being a 'backer' (or otherwise known as a woman who is paid to have sex with someone to help fund a production of some sort) because until this time no one has ever bothered to interview me. Granted, I am the rambling sort, so don't let that frustrate you too much.
Max Bialystock had always been the "King of Broadway", and I always had great respect for him. Of course, seeing him from the window of my room in the retirement center as he passed to walk to his office, I found myself pining for him, but he never knew it until my first confession to him. I might have been the only backer to have admitted that my attachment to him was more than just lust. It was full-blown love. I soon learned I wasn't the only little old lady he was schtuping for cash, but to be honest, I found absolutely no wrongdoing in that. I just saw Bialy as a virile young stud that was simply sewing a few wild oats. Men did that, and I encouraged him to do so through my love-letters to him. I knew our love could never come to fruition even though I was the youngest widow amongst all the other backers he was banging for cash. What was I to care ? I didn't have much longer to live anyway, and was living on borrowed time. I thought to myself, "Might as well go out with a smile on my face right before they put me six feet in the ground."
Right before Funny Boy came out, I remember Max talking about how ecstatic he was about the first ever musical written about one of Shakespeare's tragedies, Hamlet. Such a thing had never been done before and frankly I was hoping that it would be successful. It seemed that no sooner had the musical opened that it had closed within a week that it was performed. I had heard of such things happening before but I suppose I was naïve to think they didn't exist, especially not in Broadway. I had presumed Broadway to be exempt of 'bad plays', but unfortunately, I was horribly, terribly, awfully wrong.
Bialy was almost inconsolable and I could sense it from the letters he had sent back to me. I sent him a box of chocolates, knowing that was the one thing that could make him feel better other than me whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Strangely, I didn't hear much from him after that and I had wondered what was going on. My Bialy answered me in due time. I had learned that he had garnered an accountant by the name of Leopold Bloom. Apparently, Mr. Bloom had taught Max a bit about 'creative accounting', whatever the devil that was. It didn't really seem to matter too much because he kept his letters current and the glow was back in his eyes.
When I learned of Max's latest production by the playwright Franz Liebkind, I was shocked. Not only did I think putting on a musical called Springtime for Hitler was in abysmal taste, but I thought the musical was dreadfully offensive. Max reassured me, no matter how much he liked the plays he produced (this one being an exception to the rule) they were destined to be doomed. He had mentioned to me 'one could make more money with a flop than with a hit'. Before he hadn't dared to say such a thing. That didn't sound like my Bialy at all, but despite myself I decided to cheer him on with the other backers who were going to raise all the money he needed to put on this musical.
It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Bialy literally had backers lined up one after the other. He was so charismatic and charming he had led us all down the streets of New York in a grand procession with our walkers, eager to be given the satisfaction we so richly desired and the money he so desperately needed.
I had no idea I was about to be part of a musical send off for Bialy, but I was delighted to send him off in that matter.
Vigorously, we sang…
We were listing
We were sinking
Then along came Bialy
We were desp'rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above
It's Bialy !
Hail Bialy !
He's the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
Ejaculation
He's the celebration of love !
Beyond all expectation in what seemed to be a whiz-bang explosion, Springtime made headlines everywhere. It was even covered over the radio and for those who had black and white televisions like myself, they saw the cast of Springtime celebrating. At this time I had heard nada, zilch, nil, bumpkus from my dear Bialy. I was worried for him. Never had such a thing occurred to him before. He thought he had a sure-fire flop, but the musical would most likely win TONYS among other things. It was a disaster. I had no other choice. I prayed to heaven he'd be alright, but soon, I found my poor Bialy was in the pokey, with no one to comfort him or keep him warm at night.
For sometime now, Max has been in jail but I heard he is making big bucks off a play called Prisoners of Love. At least this one sounds promising. He has many more productions in the works and some of them have the most ridiculous names I have ever heard of. He was generous though. Instead of being greedy as he had been in the past, he had given some of the money that the musicals had made to keep the estates up and running. All my lady friends were pleased with that and so was I, so we threw a little celebration for Bialy before Prisoners of Love was to go on tour. We didn't know what the future held for Bialy or for us, but he did say there was a musical called Little Old Lady Who that needed tons of biddies like us to play their parts someday. I highly anticipated that. I had always wanted to be in Broadway and I couldn't believe that Max was going to make my dream come true.
Maybe that womanizer did love me ! Who knows, he'd never tell me.
Little Old Lady Who was a smash as predicted by Leo and Max. I played the main role of the main little old lady Yodeler, which was a bunch of fun. I came from a Prussian background so the role wasn't much of a stretch for your's truly. I even found a new gentleman caller, so I was no longer a 'backer' for Bialy. He understood completely, seeing I was still young enough to have a life of my own. I would never forget the love I had for Bialy. He had been my second true love only after my first husband. Now I was happier than ever and famous beyond my wildest dreams. I never thought such a thing could be possible, but I learned that anything could be achieved so long as someone was stubborn, had faith and was bolstered with love constantly.