Author's Note: This story is about the final moments between Alistair and his lady love, almost thirty years into the future. Details about his love are kept deliberately vague as a dedication to any of his loves. It was inspired by Christina Aguilera's song, "What a Girl Wants." Please enjoy.
What a girl wants, what a girl needs.
Alistair was exactly that for her. Everything she ever wanted or needed in a man. He was her fellow warden and the love of her life who without she never would have made through to the end of the Blight. She could not believe that it had been almost thirty years since then. The Blight and darkspawn invasion had long been quelled. Yet still something threaten to take him away from her forever. It was not even a foe she could kill with her blade.
It was the taint. The corrosive thread weaved into the fabric of what they were always first and foremost, Grey Wardens. The taint gave them their abilities to slay the powerful Archdemon but reversely was also potent enough to eventually slay even the mightiest of the legendary Grey Wardens themselves. That was what was happening to her love. Alistair was dying due to the taint. He had told her of the signs long ago that happened when a warden's end was near.
First, it started with the nightmares. Days on end, he would wake up in the middle of a dead sleep, covered in a cold sweat. His startled awakenings would wake her from sleeping next to him as well. She found herself reaching for a dagger she always had hidden nearby just in case he heard some darkspawn creping around, a habit she had not shaken since her younger warden days. She sighed heavily once she found it was just him, cradling his head in his hands again. She hated seeing him like that, so distraught about dreams that no one could stop. It would take a lot of coaxing from her to ease him to lie back down again. She would not stop talking until she was sure he was asleep again. She often could not go back to sleep after that. She would stay awake watching him, wondering how many more times would she have to hear that gentle snoring filled the air to let her know he was still there beside her.
The dreams then became the second worry for her as in the days that followed. She would be talking to him and he just clam up suddenly. Her Alistair would never be that quiet and not come back at her with smart remark or witty comment. It was just one of the things she loved about him. She would call him on it and it seemed to snap him back into attention as he tried to play it off with a joke. She was not fooled. She had seen the blank look on his face as if he did not even see her standing there. It scared her. It only seemed to get much more frequent as more days went by.
The last sign was the chronic waves of pain that wracked his body, making it hard for Alistair to do anything less than remain in bed. She had asked once what it felt like. He described it was like going through a hundred Joining rituals all at the same time. She still remembered the pain of the becoming a Grey Warden and hundred times that pain would have been unbearable. It killed her to see her love, such an active and strong man, be reduced trapped in bed at the hands of the very thing that brought them together. How could the Maker be so cruel? She was the hero of Ferelden, was she not? Why was she totally helpless to save her love from experiencing this kind torture? She, who could take down a large rampaging dragon, and yet there was nothing she do to stop this from happening to him?
She knew the answer was unsatisfying yes. She looked down at her love sadly as she sat on the edge of the bed beside him. He looked so peaceful, now resting since the mages had stopped by and alleviated his pain for a little while. She did not know why but something inside her began to urge her to begin to speak softly to him, "Alistair, you know, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me, from the Blight to now. If you weren't there since the very beginning to help me unravel what it means to be a Grey Warden, I never would have been able to be ready to take on the Archdemon. On the journey there, anytime I felt like the pressure on me could not get any more intense, you were always there to make a joke or say something to make me smile and set me at ease. You made it clear to me that no matter what I said or did that you were going to be behind me. I never told you how much I appreciated it, but I did and I still do."
"I wished I knew that in the beginning, my dear. I wouldn't have felt like I keep putting my foot in my mouth every time I talked alone with you." She heard Alistair say as he opened eyes showing he wasn't as asleep as she first thought. He smiled a lazy smile at her before he let out a chuckle. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you, my love." She said running her hand through his hair when he grabbed her wrist. "You didn't wake me. I was just pretending to sleep, especially after hearing all the nice things you had to say about me." He said pulling her down to him for a kiss. There was a feverishness in his kiss that made her wonder if Alistair somehow knew something she didn't.
"Come on and lay back down." He stated when she pulled back. He watched she crawled over him and settled herself right next to him, not even bothering to go under the covers. She turned towards him before she rested her head against his chest. He wrapped his arm her waist, happy to have her back in his protective hold. She listened to his heartbeat, a welcomed reminder that he was still with her. They stay in peaceful and pleasant enjoyment of each other's company in silence for a while. It reminded them of the times they had done the same thing in the past.
She suddenly felt him take her hand in his before bring it to his lips, kiss it gently. She looked up at him with smile and a bit of confusion. "My love, you don't regret choosing me as the one to be with? You know Leliana and Zevran would probably have killed me and anyone else just at the chance to be in the spot I am now with you." He asked with his eyes tinged with slightest bit of jealousy and insecurity. "Never, Alistair. I have never regretted it. Why should I? You are sensitive, funny, handsome, and incredibly courageous to your duty as a Grey Warden even when all that happened to us during the Blight. You could have easily given up after Ostagar and left me alone with no one to turn to, yet you didn't. You stayed to help me fight the Blight and the Archdemon." She answered him confidently.
"Wow...That's just wow. You don't know how good it is to hear you say that." Alistair responded with a smile. "Good, then you get some rest now. You know you have to take it easy." She suggested worriedly. "Aww...but I want to talk more about out past experiences together during the Blight." He said whining a bit. His love sighed, could never really say no to him nor did she ever really want to.
"So what do you want to talk about then?" She asked freeing her hand from his hold and flipping over onto her stomach to look at him. She leaned her face on her open palm using her elbow for support. "What about the final battle? You know you had me worry when you took the final blow against the Archdemon." He said after a few seconds of thought. "Whatever for, Alistair? I had convinced you to taken the deal with Morrigan, so neither one of us could have died from taking the last blow." She stated nonchalantly. She had to say it like that. If she dwelled on the decision to hand her love off to that woman for some dark ritual to save both of their lives, she would have gotten angry all over again. Why was that the only choice if they wanted to stay together forever? What good did it do now that she was losing him like this?
"My love?" Alistair's worried voice broke through her thoughts bring her attention back on him making her respond, "Yes, my dear?" "I've wondering about something since that night. I noticed you never want to talk about it. Do you hate me for...doing what needed to be done?" He asked as he ran his hand down her face. "Of course not. I am the one who had to talk you into it. We are both are alive thanks to that. I just wish..." Her voice trailed off as she looked away. "You just wish that wasn't the one way. So do I. Trust me it was not any fun for me either, not with that cold harpy." He said and was glad to see the smile return to his love's face as she looked back to him. He smiled too.
Suddenly, that happy moment was disturbed as a wave of pain washed over Alistair. He tried to keep from showing his discomfort but his muffled groan was hard to miss. His love sat up, alerted. "Alistair, you're not well. I'm going to get the mages." She said trying to get up. Before she even got the chance to move, he stopped her by catching her wrist. His hold tightened as another wave of pain came over him. She winced. She had forgotten how strong he could be, even if the pain he was causing was unintentional. Seeing her reaction, he let go.
"I'm sorry, my dear...But, please don't go." He pleaded with her hoarsely. She looked back at him hesitantly. "But-" She started only to be cut off by him. "I'm fine now...Really." He said trying to assure her, "You know there's nothing they could do anyway." "I know but you know I hate to see you like this and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so helpless." She responded sighing heavily. "If there was one thing you never were that's helpless. You were stubborn woman and still are of course, but never helpless." He said with a slight laugh more for her benefit.
"Hey!" She whined playfully before she laughed with him. She missed that the most about the journey, the laughter. Even as the Blight loomed over them, her and her fellow warden were still able to have laughs and it seemed to help maintain some normalcy in their lives. Now all she seemed to be focused on whatever she could do to make Alistair as happy and comfortable as possible during what could have been his final days. His final days, she just did not want to think about the times she would have to get through a day without him by her side. Even though a selfish part of her want to keep him alive with her for as long as possible, the other part of her didn't want him to suffer another minute of pain and suffering for her.
"Alistair, I love you. You know that, right?" She said which caused Alistair to raise an eyebrow. "I know, my dear, and I love you too. Although, I still remember the last time you said that to me, I didn't like what followed." He answered her with a nervous laugh. He watched his love's face for any sign of what was to come but her new expression was unreadable. He sighed as his mind wondered on the possibilities. He never could pinpoint what went through that mind of hers even years after knowing her. It was something he found endless attractive and confusing all at the same time.
"I...I want to know that's okay with me if you want to let go...And return to the Maker." She said doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. She had realized Alistair had done a lot for her and not just helping her defeat the Blight. He stayed with her through all the times since then and been there any time she needed him. He even chosen to disregard the tradition of all Grey Wardens and not return to Orzammar to die fighting amongst the darkspawn when the signs of his death was approaching, just to stay with her for as long as he had left. Knowing how much he valued his Grey Warden's duty higher than anything else after all Duncan and others did for him, his love could not have more appreciative that he chose to remain by her side.
Alistair's face softened at her words. This was why he loved her. She was willing to give him up even if her heart was breaking with her words. He would be eternally gratefully for the Maker for sending him this beautiful woman into his life to love him. He would never be able to understand what he did make himself so lucky to deserve that honor. All the pain he felt was worth it just to be able to see her smile at him one more time. All the suffering was worth it just to hear her laugh one more time because of him. That is way he wanted to leave her with smile. He did not want his death to be tainted with sadness especially for the one he loved so dearly.
"My dear, will you do something for me?" He asked trying to suppress a grin as he saw confusion cross his love's face. "Of course, whatever you need." She stated with a nod. "I want you retell the whole story of what happen during the Blight." He said. "But why?" She asked, further confused. "Because it's been thirty years and I want to see if your memory is still as sharp as it was then...And it wasn't too sharp then if I remember correctly," He said unable to resist the opportunity to bother her before he added, seriously. "Just tell it and humor me."
"All right, all right, my love, where do you want me to start?" She questioned him as she laid back beside him again. "Start at the very beginning the first day you met Duncan and don't stop until you get to death of the Archdemon. Promise me, all right?" He said looked down at her as she laid her head against his chest. She knew it was a strange promise but she did not see any harm in keeping it. She nodded at him before she began to tell the story.
She began at the very beginning just as he asked. It had been a while, but she still remembered those days with a vivid brilliance. After explaining her beginning, she moved on to Ostagar and the Joining ritual before to their travels into the land far beyond that ill-fated battle. As she talked, Alistair injected his thoughts and things he remembered about their companions and the places they traveled. His interruptions got fewer and fewer as she got further along and his love worriedly checked to see that he was still with her. His eyes were closed but she could hear his heartbeat as strong as ever.
Her momentary pause caused Alistair to open one eye and urge her to continue with the tale. She smiled at him before doing so. This time, she could feel something was different in the air. She was the sole one speaking as Alistair had stopped responding all together. His heartbeat seemed to mimic the slowdown of thoughts and it began to slowly fade too. Any time, his love stopped or even the made the slightest movement to try to get to mages, Alistair would make his presence still known with another urge for her to keep going or tightening his hold on her.
By the time she got to the Archdemon, both Alistair's comments and his heartbeat were non-existent. She pushed on knowing she promised she would finish and she did. She could feel his heart beat still just as she said the final words, "And that's how the Blight was ended before it even started." She realized then why he made her retell the tale as he wanted her remember all of the memories that had brought them together. Those memories could be used then to fill her lonely heart in her remaining days without him.
She smiled again as she pulled herself away from his final embrace. She leaned towards him and kissed his forehead. As she pulled back, she said, "Good-bye, my first knight." She was not sure if he could still hear her, but she had a feeling he did as his lips formed his familiar grin...
Whatever makes me happy and sets you free, and I'm thanking you for knowing exactly.