A Sad Psalm
Author: knux33
Summary: Looking for some peace and quiet,Lavi finds Allen instead. Allen is reading a prayer,one that despairs above all others. Trying to help Allen understand it, Lavi finds he needs some help understanding it himself. Angst/Allen/14, ONESHOT?/Friendship/Open to any Change
Disclaimer: Don't own D.Gray-Man or Psalm 88, and I never will.
The hallway was unfamiliar to Lavi, and the walls were adorned with dull, bleak paintings that all seemed dark in the night. The artwork was nothing special, just scenery of places had or had not been to, and a few portraits of ugly old men of questionable importance.
Every one else was in bed, or hidden in their dark offices, working. The scientist seemed unable to stop, working day and night until they dropped or some other outside force pulled them away before exhaustion set in. It was hard for them, with so many of their number now dead ...
Lavi turned his eyes from the artwork to the oriental rug that lined the floor, covering the wooden floor. It looked expensive, and made Lavi's bare feet itch. It was better that having to walk on cold stone in the middle of the night, Lavi grudgingly admitted that, but it wasn't that much of an improvement.
In his room Bookman laid in his own bed, actually sleeping without snoring for once. But, with the silence, came unfamiliar creeks and sounds.
In the silence, Lavi found he could not sleep. His mind would not let him. Bookman never kept secrets; at least, not from his apprentice. He was supposed to teach Lavi everything, pass on every bit of information. God knew that's what had given Lavi sleepless nights before, just trying to memorize it all.
But now, nothing made any sense. Nothing. And yet, all the pieces fit neatly into their places, making a perfect picture.
Flawless.
Allen Walker, host to the fourteenth Noah, Destroyer of Time, possible savior to them all. It made sense. Lots of sense. Lavi didn't want it to make sense. He wanted to go learn more historical secrets, kill some akuma, save a fragment of Innocence, maybe meet a beautiful woman or two on the way. Make everything normal again.
Lavi sighed, and was surprised to hear and echo from an open door he was walking by. Looking in, he saw he had come to a small room for prayer.
He remembered vaguely that the last Headquarter had also had such rooms for individual prayer, but they had hardly been used. It was surprising they wasted the space on such useless little rooms, putting in a bench, a bible, and a small place to light candles.
When leading in the fight against the end of the world, prayer was deemed surprisingly unimportant as the fighters were either fighting or resting to go and save the world some more. To go save a world that didn't even realize it needed saving.
But, this little useless room was occupied by, speak of the devil, Allen Walker. And was even reading the Bible, mouthing some of the words to himself. Allen was turned away from the door, and didn't notice the red-head behind him.
It was a surprise to see the boy without Howard Link, but Lavi expected the surveillance had been loosened a bit, being in a building swarmed with Crow agents and guards at every exit. Besides, if Allen wanted out, it was a fairly simply thing for him to just form the thought, play the music, and be gone.
Though, Lavi knew one thing the boy couldn't run from ...
Lavi was about to greet Allen's back when the teen exclaimed to the air, "I don't get it!" Almost scaring Lavi out of his skin.
Well, the night had been quiet--
"Hey Allen," The named boy whipped around, surprised evident.
"Lavi?" Allen had obviously been expecting to be alone for the night.
"Can't sleep?" Lavi asked, joining Allen on his bench. If they really want people to use these rooms, they could at least get some cushions for these butt-breaking-benches ...
"Naw, trying to figure something out. You?" Allen moved to give Lavi a bit more space, Bible still in his lap.
"Insomnia." Lavi explained, peering curiously at the page Allen had the tome opened to. "You're trying to figure out a Psalm?"
"Oh, y-yeah," Allen flushed, looking embarrassed. "It just sort of caught my eye. But I don't get it."
"Which one is it?" Lavi asked, reaching for the book.
"Psalm 88."
Lavi found it quickly, already being on the page, though half of it trailed onto the next page. "'A Despairing Lament'? Not very good choice in reading if you ask me."
Allen rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, it's not very easy to read either."
"Well, the beginning is pretty straight forward." Clearing his throat, Lavi read: "'A song; a psalm of the Korahites. For the leader; according to Mahalath. For singing; a maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.'
That's just what it was written for, and we can disregard it. The next verse is where it really begins. 'Lord, my God, I call out by day; at night I cry aloud in your presence.' Well, the writer prays during the day, and at night he dreams of God. That's also pretty straight forward."
Allen interrupted hesitantly. "But it sounds more like he asks for God to come during the morning, but he doesn't, and comes at night. And 'cry aloud' sounds to me like it's almost painful."
Lavi glanced at the white-haired boy, giving a grin. "Just who is supposed to be the interpreter here?"
"Sorry," Allen almost laughed at Lavi's 'serious' face.
"No problem. Now, where was I ... Oh yeah! 'Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry. For my soul is filled with troubles; my life draws near to Sheol. I am reckoned with those who go down to the pit; I am weak, without strength.'
Again, this is all just how you look at it. The author is begging God to listen, and that he feels close to death. That he needs strength. Any questions?"
Allen read the passage himself. "It doesn't seem like begging, more like asking. But how do you know he's dieing?"
"Sheol is sort of like the underworld, and 'down to the pit' can mean that he is marked to die, or that he will suffer the second death."
"Second death?" Allen asked. "What's that?"
"Weeell," Lavi said, "The 'second death' is when, in Revelation, God casts all of the people marked by the Devil into the fiery pit, which is the second and final death, along with Hades and all of the other places the dead go."
"Doesn't sound very pleasant." Allen mumbled.
"Nope, anyway, on with our Psalm: 'My couch is among the dead, with the slain who lie in the grave. You remember them no more; they are cut off from your care. You plunged me into the bottom of the pit, into the darkness of the abyss. Your wrath lies heavy upon me; all your waves crash over me.'"
Lavi stopped. "What gripped you to read this anyway? It's kind of ..."
"Depressing?" Allen offered, taking the book back. "Yeah, but when I was fingering through it seemed to just jump out at me." The boys eye moved as he read ahead, and sighed. "I don't get why God would do this to a person."
"Why? Well, let me read a bit more, maybe it mentions what the poor dude did." Lavi took the book back as Allen passed it to him, and began to read aloud again.
"'Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them; Caged in, I cannot escape; my eyes grow dim from trouble. All day I call on you, Lord; I stretch out my hands to you.'"
Lavi stopped, blinking. My friends shun me. You make me loathsome to them.
Caged in.
Can't escape.
"Allen?" Lavi looked at him, but the boy didn't answer intimately. He was rubbing absentmindedly at his head.
"I've just got a little headache. Please keep reading." Allen said this with a smile, but it didn't reach his ashen gray eyes.
Lavi kept reading.
"'Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the shades arise and praise you? Is your love proclaimed in the grave, your fidelity in the tomb? Are your marvels declared in the darkness, your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?'"
Lavi stopped, glad the strange subjects of the lines before hadn't repeated themselves. "Well, these lines are the author asking God if he would really rather have the dead worshiping him than the living. If he works for those already in his 'care.' This really is a strange read to pick Allen, it's even a little confusing to me--"
"Yeah." Allen didn't miss how he had paused at the lines before, and had stopped messaging his temples. "Just keep reading."
Lavi obliged him. His voice was softer and more thoughtful, and the next few lines came out darker than intended. "'But I cry out to you, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why do you reject me, Lord? Why hide your face from me? I am mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless, I suffer your terrible blows.'"
Lavi swallowed. "Well ... he is talking of how he prays each morning, and that God never answers. That he has been ... mortally afflicted since youth; lifeless ... and that his life sucks. I seriously don't get why you want to read this--"
Allen just gave him a sad look, and Lavi turned the page to read the last few lines. Looking at them, he wished he had never entered the room. He didn't want to read such small sorrows aloud. But he did anyway, pressured into it by the silence and shadows cast by the small light in the room, and by the boy siting ever so quietly next to him.
He took a deep breath.
"'Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have reduced me to silence. All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me.'"
He hesitated on the last line, deciding instead to delay the inevitable by explaining the last lines before. "Whoever this is, I think he was pretty depressed, talking about how life's miseries where closing in from all angles. He really should of just looked on the bright side and--"
Silence. Allen was looking at him imploringly, silently asking for the last line. Lavi didn't want to give it.
So Allen gently grabbed the book, and read the last, little, sad line. "'Because of you companions shun me; my only friend is darkness.'"
Lavi sighed. "Well, I'm sure glad we're not in the same state of mind as that guy. This little Psalm is giving me chills. Plus, we've got a lot more friends than darkness, don't we Allen?"
Allen gave a small smile. "Yeah." He put the book down onto the bench space between them, and got up to stretch. "Well, I think I'm ready for bed."
He walked out of the room, waving goodbye as he left.
"Good night Allen."
"See you tomorrow Lavi."
And so the room was empty, and Lavi was alone in his solitude again. He thought about the lines, and tried to guess at their possible deeper meaning.
The only thing that seemed to scream out at him was that the man who wrote this was clearly screaming, 'Why are you doing this to me God? Why?'
Sighing, wondering why he had volunteered to read the dark thing in the first place, Lavi got up, only to curse as he accidentally knocked the Bible to the floor.
It had fallen spine-down, and had opened to a passage in the new testament, in the book of Matthew. Lavi, hoping to find something so uplifting it would make him high, read a line.
The Bookman apprentice's jaw gaped and he stopped reading, paralyzed by horror. What damnable game was God playing at?
There. Right there, under his nose was:
'Thus the total number of generations from Abraham to David is fourteen generations; from David to the Babylonian exile, fourteen generations; from the Babylonian exile to the Messiah, fourteen generations.'
Fourteen generations.
That was not something he had wanted to find, a reminder of his friends coming doom. He closed the tome with a little more force than necessary and slapped it back down onto the bench, marching from the room at double-time.
So much for finding peace. At this rate, Lavi hoped he would be able to ever sleep again.
He couldn't even imagine what it must be like for Allen ...
'All the day they surge round like a flood; from every side they close in on me.'
The words came unbidden, as they often did with his photographic memory as it was. Lavi smacked his forehead, willing the Psalm to go away, but the passage did not disappear.
'Because of you my friends shun me; you make me loathsome to them; Caged in, I cannot escape; my eyes grow dim from trouble.'
Lavi flinched at the reminder. No one knew what was really happening to Allen. No one besides himself. Sure, all of the exorcists, Komui, Malcom, and the guards stationed knew what was going to happen, but they didn't know exactly how it was going to happen.
And, even then, they had Cross's ominous words.
Lavi walked back to his room, overhearing a guard along the way whispering to his fellow, "--you see that boy that walked by ... yeah, he was Allen Walker. They say he's--"
Lavi lost the thread of the conversation was he walked farther and farther away, and he didn't really try to listen either.
Down the hall, he passed Allen's room. The light was out, and the room was silent. Lavi was surprised, he hadn't left the room that much later than Allen. Slipping past, Lavi continued on to his own room, and wished he had never left it to begin with.
That Psalm never did mention what the author did to deserve such a fate. Maybe he didn't do anything, maybe he was just a victim of a cruel God's joke ... and maybe Lavi needed to get some sleep before all of this wondering finally drove him insane ...
He open the door to his room, and slipped into the quiet darkness.
AN: Ok, random madness I got when reading the Bible. (Yes, some people really do that.) The Psalm reminded me of the Noah, as they never mention how Noah are 'chosen' really, and how Allen just got told ... well, you all know, right? Chapter 166 and up? Yeah.
This is a Oneshot Friendfic, unless I'm told otherwise. It can become anything you all want if you ask. I'm willing to add a chapter with Allen's perspective on this whole thing if you want it, or maybe an eventual Laven if you ask nicely.
Leave a review on your way out please, good or bad.
Really, tell me what you want.
-knux33