Author's Note: My first shot at humor. Hope you enjoy. I don't think Nessie's OOC in this. We didn't have a lot to go on with her description of Breaking Dawn. Enjoy.
I had just put Nessie down for her morning nap. She was only two but looked to be four or five. She had the intellect of someone that age as well. I walked into Edward's and my room. Edward was sorting through some of his CDs while humming my lullaby. When I entered he turned and smiled up at me.
"Hello, love. Is Nessie asleep?" he asked.
"Yes. Finally. I'm not sure how much longer we'll be able to get away with giving her naps. She's become rather stubborn. And baths…don't even get me started!" I answered. Edward laughed at my horrified look and then turned back to the CDs.
"She takes after you, my Bella."
"Hmmm."
I walked up behind Edward and wrapped my arms around his neck. He turned and kissed me. I smiled and then noticed how incredibly black his eyes were. I shook my head disbelievingly. When will he ever get the fact he can't put hunting off? I knew my eyes were black as well so I decided I'd go hunting in a while.
"Edward, you need to hunt. So do I. Want to go after Nessie wakes up?" I probed.
"Sure, love. But, wait; can we get a babysitter? We haven't been on a hunt alone in so long…" he trailed off, remembering.
"Yes." I agreed. Then a thought occurred to me. "Who would it be, though? Carlisle's working so he can't. Esme's busy planning and had just scoped out a new house, Alice is shopping with Rosalie in France, and Jacob is in a pack meeting a thousand miles away. They can't either. That would leave…oh no. Absolutely not! We are not letting Emmett and Jasper baby-sit!"
"Bella, what happened last time wasn't their fault. They didn't know how flammable the microwave was. And they did try to keep Nessie under control in the restaurant, it just happens sometimes."
"Edward, last time we let them baby-sit, they nearly burned the house down and we almost had to move and the Volturi almost came after us! It was pure luck that we managed to stay here!" I argued.
"It won't be like that, Bells. Don't worry so much." he reassured. I sighed, giving in.
"Fine. We'll take off after Nessie wakes up." He smiled a slightly smug smile and turned back to looking through his CDs. I rolled my eyes but sat down to help him.
A little while later Nessie woke up from her nap and padded into our bedroom. She jumped into Edward's arms and pressed her hand to his cheek. He laughed and I gave him a questioning look.
"Yes, Renesmee. You may go to play with your Uncle Emmett and Uncle Jasper." He answered her un-spoken question. Ness beamed at us and I grimaced.
I took Nessie into my arms and walked out the door, closely followed by Edward. We ran up to the Cullen house and I walked right in. Jasper was in a heated argument with Emmett about who was better: the North or the South. I groaned internally, these arguments always ended up with something burning and someone's favorite possessions destroyed.
"Alright! Enough bickering, you two. Emmett, you and Jasper are babysitting while Edward and I go hunting. When we get back we had better not find one hair out of place on Renesmee's head. Got it?" I demanded.
Jasper and Emmett looked at us, horror on their faces. Well, on Jasper's face. Emmett looked like Christmas had come early for him. I sighed as I imagined why he could be grinning like that. Emmett jumped up and took Nessie in his arms.
"Bella, we are allowed to baby-sit again? Yay! This is absolutely wonderful! Isn't that right, Jasper? Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this. I promise!" Emmett screamed at the top of his lungs. Edward, Jasper, and I clapped our hands over our ears. I glared and he quieted.
"Yes. You better not make me regret this. Edward and I will be gone all day. Probably arriving back at around ten or so. Nessie's bedtime is at 9:00 sharp! She also needs a bath tonight. Her shampoo and such is at the cottage. If we come back and anything is different at all, I'll personally kill you. And I'm positive Edward will help me and your wives won't help you." I warned.
I kissed Nessie and told her to be good. Then, turning on my heel, I ran out the door. Edward followed me and I knew we were both thinking the same thing. What have we just done?
Jasper's Point Of View
I couldn't believe we were babysitting again. Last time…no, I didn't even want to think of last time. Emmett had waves of excitement just rolling off of him. I looked at him suspiciously as he leaned down and whispered in Renesmee's ear. A few seconds later she looked up at me and said the words that I absolutely hated.
"Uncle Jasper, The North won the war!" she said happily. I glared at Emmett.
"Who told you that, Nessie?" I asked, even though I knew.
"Uncle Emmett. He also told me that the South weren't very good and that General Whitlock was the worst of them all! He said you fought with The South once and that you were what caused their downfall." Nessie answered, ignoring Emmett's wild hand gestures for her to stop. I growled and jumped at Emmett, pinning him to the ground.
"You just can't let it go, can you?" I snarled at him.
He shrugged underneath me and Nessie was giggling madly. I turned and winked at her before I promptly jumped off of Emmett and ran upstairs. I darted into his and Rosalie's room and found Emmett's secret stash of My Little Ponies. I snatched up as many as I could carry, which happened to be all of them, and ran out the door, yelling for Nessie to get a match. She came out after me and I lit the match quickly. I tossed it to the ground and waited until I had a strong flame going. I then threw the My Little Ponies in one by one. I watched them burn with pleasure.
Emmett came out of the house and saw the remains of his 'babies' as he calls them. He let out an anguished cry and sank to his knees.
"No!" he sobbed. (A/N: The names about to be listed were found on the Internet. My Little Ponies make me shudder…) "Not Cupcake! Not Baby Cuddles! Not Posey, Magic Star, and Shady. And…NO! NOT BABY SUNDANCE!!"
I was floored, my laughter forcing me down. Meanwhile, Emmett had gotten up and was now stalking towards me. He snarled and was about to pounce when we both heard a scream of terror. We knew that scream. Nessie!
She was sitting on the grass, her shirt just catching fire. Emmett and I glanced at each other before both charging in her direction. Emmett yanked her shirt off and put the fire out while I scooped Ness up and held her close to me, murmuring words of comfort. I took her into the house and sat her down on the sofa. She sobbed quietly for a while as Emmett put out the rest of the fire, it was too late for his ponies, and went to get her another outfit. He came back with the most horrifying outfit I'd ever seen.
It was an aqua colored shirt that had a monkey eating a banana on it. The pants were orange and had little caterpillars on them. I was about to protest when my phone buzzed. I knew it was Alice without looking and hit talk.
"JASPER WHITLOCK HALE CULLEN!!! YOU HAD BETTER BE PLANNING ON NOT LETTING EMMETT DRESS HER! YOU MARCH STRAIGHT TO THE COTTAGE RIGHT NOW AND PICK OUT SOMETHING NICE! I should have taught you enough to know what I mean." She finished threateningly from the phone.
"Yes, dear. I was just about to protest." I answered.
"Good. And I'd better not see you picking something just as bad if not worse!" she snapped before hanging up. I sighed and handed the now quiet Renesmee to Emmett.
Unfortunately, I knew exactly what to pick for this season. I walked into Nessie's room and found a much more suitable outfit. A yellow dress with ducks on it. It would look absolutely adorable and completely match her complexion and-oh no. I have to stop hanging around Alice when she's shopping…
I made my way back to the house and darted through the door. Emmett was watching Two and a Half Men. Oh boy. Renesmee was tugging on Emmett's sleeve and asking to turn something else on. She was bored by the show. I walked over quickly and flicked the show to Hannah Montana, knowing that this was a show all little girls liked. I shot Emmett a glare and he turned away sheepishly. I made a mental note to tell Edward.
"Come here, Ness. Let's get you changed." I beckoned her over and she let me change her without any trouble. I started lecturing Emmett out of Nessie's earshot when we heard her singing.
"Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it, again and again 'till I get it right!" she sang. Emmett and I winced and waited as the song ended.
It was time for lunch and we had to make her eat human food. So, we just fixed her favorite foods and let her pig out. That was, until she got sick and ended up throwing up on me. Eww. It was only cake, cookies, frosting, a bowl of sugar, and maple syrup that she ate. We didn't think anything bad would happen. Who knew? I darted up the stairs and changed before she could continue getting sick on me. Instead, she was sick on Emmett! Next came time for Twister!
We set up the mat and had Nessie spin the spinner and call out the positions. It was rather awkward when I ended up between Emmett's legs and Emmett was leaned over in a position that had him staring at my rear. Yeah. Awkward. Nessie, of course, thought it was just hilarious. Note to self: never play Twister with Renesmee watching. Actually, never play Twister period.
The rest of the afternoon we were forced to watch anything from 'Hi-5' to 'Peep' to more episodes of 'Hannah Montana'. Needless to say, it was a very long afternoon. Finally, it ended. It was time to give Nessie her bath and then get her to bed. We decided to go ahead and bathe her at 8:00 to let her have a nice bath. Well, at least we thought that would work.
"Nessie! Time for your bath!" Emmett called. I smacked my head. Why oh why, did he have to say 'bath'. Bella had told me that Renesmee had been getting stubborn about bathing.
Sure enough, Nessie wasn't pleased. "No! I'm not having a bath! I don't want a bath! NOOOOO!" she screamed as Emmett came down and picked her up. I groaned. I marched up to Emmett and took the screaming Renesmee out of his arms.
"Renesmee Carlie. You will have your bath weather you like it or not. I don't want to hear one more complaint out of you. If I do, then we will force you to take a bath and you'll have to bed early." I told her sternly. I knew we could easily handle a young half vampire. We were full vampires and one of us had extra strength! She nodded in defeat and went to the bathroom.
"You know, Jazz. You did such a wonderful job with little Ness. How about you handle her bath and I'll handle putting her to bed. You will? Thanks, Jazzy!!" Emmett grinned at me slyly and I shook my head.
"Fine. You handle putting her to bed and I'll handle bathing her. But, you have to promise to not call me 'Jazzy' anymore." I replied.
"I won't call you that for a day." He negotiated.
"A month."
"Five days."
"Two weeks and that's my final offer." I bargained.
"Deal." He answered, shaking my hand. "I won't call you 'Jazzy' for two weeks."
I turned and walked into the bathroom after Nessie. She was already in the tub and had water running. I grabbed the shampoo and started to wash her hair.
"No, Uncle Jazzy!!! I wanna do it myself! I'm a big girl!" she protested, trying to grab my hand.
"Nessie, I need to make sure that your hair is clean. Just let me finish." I ordered. She shook her head stubbornly.
"NO! I WANNA DO IT!" she shrieked. I shook my head and that's when the real tantrum started.
With a loud shriek of defiance, Nessie jumped up and grabbed onto my arm that was attached to the hand that had the shampoo in it. She started to yank my hand down to reach the shampoo. I tried to shake her off but she clung on, all the while yelling that she was a big girl and wanted to do it herself. Finally, I reached down with one hand and forced her to be still and with the other scrubbed the shampoo gently into her hair. She was screaming like a banshee and I resisted the urge to cover my ears.
I forced Nessie to stand up and told her to bathe herself like a big girl. She obeyed and then jumped out of the tub. She darted off and I glanced around the bathroom. It was an absolute mess. Suds were everywhere and the floor was covered in water. I grabbed a mop and when I was through cleaning up, I couldn't help but think I should have had Emmett promise me more than two weeks…I sighed and walked out of the bathroom, glad Renesmee was Emmett's problem for now.
Emmett's Point Of View
I watched as Jasper followed Ness into the bathroom. I grinned. I had gotten off so easily. All I had to do was not call Jaz-Jasper 'Jazzy' for two weeks. I would get the easy job and Nessie wouldn't be too mean to Jasper. I was starting to doubt that theory when I heard screams of protest coming from the bathroom. Then I heard Jasper's voice scold Nessie about something. After that the sounds of more shrieks and splashing water. In a few minutes, Ness came streaking by me with nothing on. I saw Jasper come out of the bathroom and snatch up a mop before heading back in.
I ran after Nessie and caught her in the pantry. She was eating chocolate and sitting on her little naked bum. I grabbed her clothes and picked her up. She growled and turned to glare at me. I just dressed her and paid her no mind. I decided to let the growl go this time and punish her if she did it again.
"Okay, Ness. No more chocolate. It's time for bed. Now. I heard from your Uncle Jasper that you weren't very good in the tub, so you're going to bed." I told her.
"But it's only 8:30! Momma said nine sharp. Not earlier." She protested.
"She said nine sharp, but that means you can't be up later then that. You were naughty, so you have to go to bed early." I clarified.
"I'm don't wanna go to bed!"
"And I don't care that you don't want to. You are and that's final. Now come on. Put the chocolate down."
Nessie turned and stuck her tongue out at me. I returned the gesture and then we had a 'stick out your tongue the most' contest. I was winning when I heard a voice from behind me.
"Emmett, why is Renesmee eating chocolate and sticking her tongue out at you?" Jasper asked, nervousness in his voice.
"I'm in a tongue war, Jasper. I don't have time to answer your questions." I answered. I realized how that must have sounded and embarrassment rolled off of me.
"Emmett, you are more childish then Renesmee right now. Get up and get her to bed. You told her to go to bed ten minutes ago."
"Fine."
I turned and scooped Ness into my arms. She protested and Jasper took the chocolate from her. Or, he started to, but Ness threw it at him. Nice! Jasper growled in annoyance and Nessie snarled back. Jasper started in shock. His gaze flickered from me to Ness and back to me again. This continued for a few minutes until he turned to fix his gaze on Nessie.
"Renesmee. You don't growl at your uncles, aunts, parents, or grandparents. Now apologize to me." Jasper reprimanded.
"Humph. Sorry." Nessie spat. Jasper shook his head and motioned for me to get her to bed.
"Come on, time for bed. Say good night to Jasper, Ness." I told her. She shook her head and I shrugged. Jasper looked hurt and turned away.
As I walked into Edward's old room, I rebuked her gently.
"Ness, I think you hurt Uncle Jazz's feelings. He really wanted a hug and kiss good night." I told her.
"No." she snapped coldly. I sighed.
"Okay, get into bed and go to sleep. Good night, Ness."
"No. I'm not going to bed. I ain't gonna go to sleep either." She argued.
I decided I'd let put her in bed and let her fall asleep herself. When I tried to lay her down, she bit me. She. Bit. Me. I stared at her teeth where they were embedded in my skin. It didn't hurt, but it was the whole fact. She looked up and released her jaws. She smirked smugly and I'd had enough. I pulled her down the stairs and met a very distraught Jasper in the hall.
"Hey." He said sullenly.
"Jazz, I need you to help me with Ness. She just bit me! She needs to be punished." I explained. Jasper shook his head.
"No. I'm not punishing her anymore. She hates me right now. You do it." he replied.
Just then, we heard two people run into the house. I sniffed the air and smelled Edward and Bella's scents. At last! They can punish her! Jasper and I looked at each other and then simultaneously started replaying what had happened in our heads. Each adding in our own experiences. I heard Edward speaking quietly to Bella. She stormed up to us and glared.
"You can't even handle my daughter for half a day? You can't handle getting her to go to bed and fixing her a proper lunch? YOU CAN'T HANDLE WATCHING A 2 YEAR OLD FOR A FEW HOURS? Okay, she looks and acts like a five year old, but still." She screeched at us. Jasper and I glanced frantically over at Edward. He nodded and came to Bella's side.
"Bella," he murmured. "Renesmee wasn't being a very good girl. They could have done better with some things, but Renesmee wasn't helping them with their job or making it easy. You've got to be easier on Emmett and Jazz. They were doing their best."
"Sorry, guys. We'll take care of her and her punishment. Thanks for watching her." Bella thanked us, calm now. Edward took Renesmee's still struggling form and started rebuking her.
"You will have to eat human food for all three of your meals for five days. You will also have no sweets for a week. And you are to apologize to Jasper and Emmett." He ordered. Wow. He was good at that. Edward smiled at my thought before turning stern again.
"Sorry Emmett. Jasper." She grumbled. I sighed and as Bella and Edward turned away, we heard Nessie whisper words that brightened our day immensely.
"Good night Uncle Jazzy, Uncle Emmett. I love you. And I really am sorry." Her voice was sincere.
"Good night, sweetie." Jasper and I said at the same time. She smiled before being carried out by her father.
"Well," I let out a breath of air and flopped down on the couch. "Let's not do that again." Jasper came and sat down next to me.
"Yes. I guess it was a mistake that we didn't run when we heard them coming."
"Indeed it was, brother, indeed it was."
We sat in silence for a moment. Then I got bored. I wanted to do something. I know! Bother Jasper again! I poked Jasper and earned a glare from him.
"The North won the war." I whispered. Jasper growled and we both started wrestling. The house was a wreck by the time we stopped.
"Wha-what happened to my house?!" I heard an all too familiar voice.
I turned slowly and saw Esme standing there, eyes blazing. Carlisle didn't look much happier. Behind them, Rosalie and Alice were trying to hold back laughter. Traitors. Wordlessly, Jasper and I bolted out the door. Wrestling in the house. That was mistake.
There you go! Hope you enjoyed.