Alabaster McGee would be best described as lucky. The problem with this is
that luck, you see, is ambiguous. It can be either good or bad. The thing
about luck though, is that it is never neutral. You'd never say to someone
"Well that was neutral luck that everything happened exactly as we
predicted!" This is the reason why Alabaster is lucky. Nothing ever
happened the way he thought it would, for good or ill. One of the greatest
examples of this was the day that Alabasters path crossed with a monkey, a
talking skull, and a zombie warlord. It would turn out to be one of the
luckiest days in his life.
The Monkey of Monkey Island
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked someone.
"Well I was confronted by some deranged talking skull, and I'm making sure that I put as much distance between it and me as I possibly can." replied Alabaster. It was about that time, as he turned around to see who he was talking to, that he realized the person he was talking to was indeed not a person at all. He could now truthfully state that he had been in a conversation with a talking skull and what appeared to be a talking monkey within a good five minutes of each other. "Who? What the? Why can you talk?" Alabaster was finally able to ask. "Why can you talk?" replied the monkey. "Oh, so you just say what others say. like a parrot." Said Alabaster, relieved that his world at least made a bit more sense now. "No actually, I was just point out how stupid your question was. No one knows why they can talk." Said the monkey. "Well I can talk because I'm a human" said Alabaster. "Well then I guess I can talk because I'm a monkey" replied the monkey. "Monkeys can't talk!" said Alabaster, a bit frustrated now that the monkey wasn't taking the situation with due seriousness. "Well you could have fooled me." Said the monkey. "Fine," said Alabaster, having given up, "Monkeys can talk. But why are you the first one I've ever heard talk?" "That's an easy one" said the monkey "Humans tend to ignore anything that doesn't make sense to them." "Say," said Alabaster "You're pretty witty. have you ever considered sword fighting as a career choice?" "Monkeys don't have careers," said the monkey "And besides, we can't sword fight. Too small to lift a sword." "Well what would you say if I told you I think I have a plan that could make both of us quite a lot of money?" asked Alabaster. "I'd tell you that I was listening."
* * *
"Let me get this straight," said the man at the sword-fighting sign up counter, "You can't fight without your 'good luck monkey' on your shoulder?" "Um." said Alabaster. "What's the problem, it's not like a monkey could enhance my performance at all. If anything, it would make it harder for me to fight because I have a monkey on my shoulders!" whispered the monkey, into Alabasters ear. "What's the problem, it's not like a monkey could enhance my performance at all. If anything, it would make it harder for me to fight because I have a monkey on my shoulders!" said Alabaster. "I guess I see your point. Okay, it's approved. Here's your number," Said the sign-up counter guy, handing Alabaster a card with a large "137" on it, "That's 50 pieces 'o eight for the sign up fee." Alabaster handed over the money. Small change compared to the contests grand prize of 10,000 pieces 'o eight and a treasure map! He had had to take out a loan to get the money, but since the prize was as good as his, he didn't figure it'd be a problem. At the monkey's insistence, Alabaster pinned the number to the front of his shirt. "This is going to be great" he thought "I've always been a good sword fighter, but I could never think of clever come-backs to insults! How lucky am I to have found this monkey!" Alabaster had no idea just how lucky he was about to become. Alabaster's first opponent was a scrawny sea dog, with more tattoos then he had surface area of his skin. His body was riddled with scars, and he had one of the bandanas with the skulls and crossbones on it, just in case there was any doubt in anyone's mind as to whether or not the man was a pirate. He was number "042". "On your marks!" said the referee, "Get set" he then added, before starting the match by yelling "EN GARDE!" Alabaster drew his blade with just enough time to parry the first blow of the pirate. The pirates sword was curved like a scimitar, and much larger then Alabaster's rapier.
"You've got the brains of a donkey!" said the pirate. The monkey whispered into Alabasters ear. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want it back?" said Alabaster.
The pirate, fazed by the attack, didn't see Alabasters next stab. He managed to parry it at the last minute, but the ensuing exchange of blows pushed him backwards until he was almost up against a tree. Again, the monkey whispered in Alabasters ear. "By the way, I like the bandana. Cinderella have a yard sale?" asked Alabaster. "Um. well.. err." the pirate stuttered, then finally asked "Oh yeah?" The now flustered pirate could barely hold his sword, and Alabaster easily disarmed him with one final blow. The referee blew his whistle. Round one was over. Winner: Alabaster. The contest went on like that, Alabaster fighting, the monkey thinking of insults and comebacks. By the end of the first day, Alabaster was in second place, being undefeated. Tomorrow, he would fight Captain Morgan, the greatest sword fighter on the high seas, or so his cheerleading squad would have you believe. Alabaster slept soundly, as visions of dollar signs danced in his head. The monkey slept just as peacefully, only he didn't dream of dollar signs. He didn't dream of banana's either. In fact, he was having a dream where he was naked in high school, and everyone was laughing at him. It was odd because he never went to high school, he never wore clothes, and hadn't been laughed at about it yet.
* * *
At the same time, many miles away from the hotel Alabaster and the monkey were sleeping in, on Doom Island, the zombie warlord Furor DieCharles was holding auditions for members of his army of the undead. He wasn't having much luck either, and frankly he had to settle for some very sub-par soldiers of dread. Because it is so hard to find work as a skeleton, you could ensure that you'd see an endless parade of slackers from beyond the grave if you placed a "help wanted" ad in The Undead Times. "Next" said DieCharles, who was getting frustrated by the fact that he had yet to interview one worth candidate today, despite the fact that he had hired at least a dozen. He was going for the less of two not-evil's. "MORTALS TREMBLE IN FEAR!" said a voice from just outside the throne room, "FOR YOU SHALL SOON KNOW THE NEW NAME OF FEAR IS MURRAY, LORD OF UNDEATH! I SHALL BRING ABOUT TORTURES THE LIKES OF WHICH THE MORTAL MIND CANNOT CONCIEVE! I WILL OPEN THE GATES OF THE ABYSS AND FREE THE FOUL CREATURES WITHIN TO RAVAGE THE LAND! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" DieCharles stood up in his chair. This was the type of enthusiasm he liked to hear. Finally he had someone who could be his second in command. "What are you waiting for?" asked DieCharles "Come in so I can see you!" "Um." said Murray, still outside of the room. "I'll need someone to carry me." DieCharles sighed and sat back down. Well maybe he could have the guy work in public relations or something.
* * *
Sweat ran down Alabasters neck. This guy was good. Really good. And his comebacks rhymed! It was like he was mocking him. Well, mocking monkey anyway. The little creature was sweating too, fervently clutching onto Alabasters ear and shouting in comebacks a little louder then needed. "Your face is so ugly you look like a dog!" yelled Alabaster, picking at random one of the twelve insults the monkey had just yelled in his ear. "That's quite an astute observation for a log" replied Captain Morgan, offhandedly as he made another swing at Alabaster. Alabaster barely dodged it, tumbling out of the way and quickly getting to his feet. Captain Morgan got ready for his next attack. "You're perspiration makes you look like a beached eel!" said Captain Morgan, as he attempted to disarm Alabaster. "Hurry up monkey," said Alabaster "Monkey? MONKEY?" He had knocked the monkey off his shoulders when he dodged that last blow. He'd have probably thought of a horrible comeback himself, but he spent so much time realizing monkey was gone, that he didn't even notice as Captain Morgan disarmed him. The referee blew his whistle. The last match was over. Winner: Captain Morgan. Alabaster was now in the hole 50 pieces 'o eight. And not to someone nice, like a banker, who'll just take all your stuff. The sorts of people who lend money to people like Alabaster are the sorts of people with names like "Rocko" who only lend money until they can get their break in the world of professional glass eating. Alabaster was in deep shit indeed.
To be continued.
The Monkey of Monkey Island
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" asked someone.
"Well I was confronted by some deranged talking skull, and I'm making sure that I put as much distance between it and me as I possibly can." replied Alabaster. It was about that time, as he turned around to see who he was talking to, that he realized the person he was talking to was indeed not a person at all. He could now truthfully state that he had been in a conversation with a talking skull and what appeared to be a talking monkey within a good five minutes of each other. "Who? What the? Why can you talk?" Alabaster was finally able to ask. "Why can you talk?" replied the monkey. "Oh, so you just say what others say. like a parrot." Said Alabaster, relieved that his world at least made a bit more sense now. "No actually, I was just point out how stupid your question was. No one knows why they can talk." Said the monkey. "Well I can talk because I'm a human" said Alabaster. "Well then I guess I can talk because I'm a monkey" replied the monkey. "Monkeys can't talk!" said Alabaster, a bit frustrated now that the monkey wasn't taking the situation with due seriousness. "Well you could have fooled me." Said the monkey. "Fine," said Alabaster, having given up, "Monkeys can talk. But why are you the first one I've ever heard talk?" "That's an easy one" said the monkey "Humans tend to ignore anything that doesn't make sense to them." "Say," said Alabaster "You're pretty witty. have you ever considered sword fighting as a career choice?" "Monkeys don't have careers," said the monkey "And besides, we can't sword fight. Too small to lift a sword." "Well what would you say if I told you I think I have a plan that could make both of us quite a lot of money?" asked Alabaster. "I'd tell you that I was listening."
* * *
"Let me get this straight," said the man at the sword-fighting sign up counter, "You can't fight without your 'good luck monkey' on your shoulder?" "Um." said Alabaster. "What's the problem, it's not like a monkey could enhance my performance at all. If anything, it would make it harder for me to fight because I have a monkey on my shoulders!" whispered the monkey, into Alabasters ear. "What's the problem, it's not like a monkey could enhance my performance at all. If anything, it would make it harder for me to fight because I have a monkey on my shoulders!" said Alabaster. "I guess I see your point. Okay, it's approved. Here's your number," Said the sign-up counter guy, handing Alabaster a card with a large "137" on it, "That's 50 pieces 'o eight for the sign up fee." Alabaster handed over the money. Small change compared to the contests grand prize of 10,000 pieces 'o eight and a treasure map! He had had to take out a loan to get the money, but since the prize was as good as his, he didn't figure it'd be a problem. At the monkey's insistence, Alabaster pinned the number to the front of his shirt. "This is going to be great" he thought "I've always been a good sword fighter, but I could never think of clever come-backs to insults! How lucky am I to have found this monkey!" Alabaster had no idea just how lucky he was about to become. Alabaster's first opponent was a scrawny sea dog, with more tattoos then he had surface area of his skin. His body was riddled with scars, and he had one of the bandanas with the skulls and crossbones on it, just in case there was any doubt in anyone's mind as to whether or not the man was a pirate. He was number "042". "On your marks!" said the referee, "Get set" he then added, before starting the match by yelling "EN GARDE!" Alabaster drew his blade with just enough time to parry the first blow of the pirate. The pirates sword was curved like a scimitar, and much larger then Alabaster's rapier.
"You've got the brains of a donkey!" said the pirate. The monkey whispered into Alabasters ear. "Oh I'm sorry, did you want it back?" said Alabaster.
The pirate, fazed by the attack, didn't see Alabasters next stab. He managed to parry it at the last minute, but the ensuing exchange of blows pushed him backwards until he was almost up against a tree. Again, the monkey whispered in Alabasters ear. "By the way, I like the bandana. Cinderella have a yard sale?" asked Alabaster. "Um. well.. err." the pirate stuttered, then finally asked "Oh yeah?" The now flustered pirate could barely hold his sword, and Alabaster easily disarmed him with one final blow. The referee blew his whistle. Round one was over. Winner: Alabaster. The contest went on like that, Alabaster fighting, the monkey thinking of insults and comebacks. By the end of the first day, Alabaster was in second place, being undefeated. Tomorrow, he would fight Captain Morgan, the greatest sword fighter on the high seas, or so his cheerleading squad would have you believe. Alabaster slept soundly, as visions of dollar signs danced in his head. The monkey slept just as peacefully, only he didn't dream of dollar signs. He didn't dream of banana's either. In fact, he was having a dream where he was naked in high school, and everyone was laughing at him. It was odd because he never went to high school, he never wore clothes, and hadn't been laughed at about it yet.
* * *
At the same time, many miles away from the hotel Alabaster and the monkey were sleeping in, on Doom Island, the zombie warlord Furor DieCharles was holding auditions for members of his army of the undead. He wasn't having much luck either, and frankly he had to settle for some very sub-par soldiers of dread. Because it is so hard to find work as a skeleton, you could ensure that you'd see an endless parade of slackers from beyond the grave if you placed a "help wanted" ad in The Undead Times. "Next" said DieCharles, who was getting frustrated by the fact that he had yet to interview one worth candidate today, despite the fact that he had hired at least a dozen. He was going for the less of two not-evil's. "MORTALS TREMBLE IN FEAR!" said a voice from just outside the throne room, "FOR YOU SHALL SOON KNOW THE NEW NAME OF FEAR IS MURRAY, LORD OF UNDEATH! I SHALL BRING ABOUT TORTURES THE LIKES OF WHICH THE MORTAL MIND CANNOT CONCIEVE! I WILL OPEN THE GATES OF THE ABYSS AND FREE THE FOUL CREATURES WITHIN TO RAVAGE THE LAND! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" DieCharles stood up in his chair. This was the type of enthusiasm he liked to hear. Finally he had someone who could be his second in command. "What are you waiting for?" asked DieCharles "Come in so I can see you!" "Um." said Murray, still outside of the room. "I'll need someone to carry me." DieCharles sighed and sat back down. Well maybe he could have the guy work in public relations or something.
* * *
Sweat ran down Alabasters neck. This guy was good. Really good. And his comebacks rhymed! It was like he was mocking him. Well, mocking monkey anyway. The little creature was sweating too, fervently clutching onto Alabasters ear and shouting in comebacks a little louder then needed. "Your face is so ugly you look like a dog!" yelled Alabaster, picking at random one of the twelve insults the monkey had just yelled in his ear. "That's quite an astute observation for a log" replied Captain Morgan, offhandedly as he made another swing at Alabaster. Alabaster barely dodged it, tumbling out of the way and quickly getting to his feet. Captain Morgan got ready for his next attack. "You're perspiration makes you look like a beached eel!" said Captain Morgan, as he attempted to disarm Alabaster. "Hurry up monkey," said Alabaster "Monkey? MONKEY?" He had knocked the monkey off his shoulders when he dodged that last blow. He'd have probably thought of a horrible comeback himself, but he spent so much time realizing monkey was gone, that he didn't even notice as Captain Morgan disarmed him. The referee blew his whistle. The last match was over. Winner: Captain Morgan. Alabaster was now in the hole 50 pieces 'o eight. And not to someone nice, like a banker, who'll just take all your stuff. The sorts of people who lend money to people like Alabaster are the sorts of people with names like "Rocko" who only lend money until they can get their break in the world of professional glass eating. Alabaster was in deep shit indeed.
To be continued.