"Goodnight… " Crisp, starry night reflected in violet eyes.
Lupin felt the weight of his own anxieties and incompetence, heaving and thickly grotesque as mud. He was the stain on this otherwise picturesque landscape, this rare clear English night.
There'd been a nighttime picnic on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest complete with floating enchanted lanterns, and plenty of stinted and stiff conversation to last him the rest of his miserable life.
"Remus? Goodnight?" She questioned, gently, probably wanting to be freed forever from his awkward presence. Lupin wished he could grant himself that same courtesy.
"Yes. Right. Good night, Natalia." He started forward, extending his hand for a handshake, then, thinking better of it, immediately rocked back on the other foot and ended in a lame wave. "Bugger everything." He muttered as she turned to leave.
"What was that?" Natalia swung back around, a smile perched on the corner of her mouth. Of course she was laughing at him.
"I just said I had a nice time."
"No you didn't."
"I did have a nice time!" Bullocks. Too enthusiastic and too quick to sound sincere.
"I meant, that's not what you said…"
"Listen, Natalia." The corridor echoed his words, as if it took a perverse delight in accentuating his humiliation. Though he loathed the
Marauders even more than himself at the moment, he desperately wished they'd come careening down the hall now, as they were wont to do at the most inopportune moments. They'd gotten him into this damn mess. Was it asking too much to be gotten out of it?
"None of this was my idea. We were set up, Natalia."
Her face flushed. On top of everything awful, now he'd made her embarrassed. This is exactly why he never got into this sort of thing.
"Who talked to you about tonight?"
"S-Sirius and James." The poor fourth year was just young enough to be attracted by the Marauders' allure, not old enough to be wary of their godlike caprice.
"And what exactly did they say?"
"That you liked me but were too shy to say. That I should go out to the garden after dinner, and to follow the floating lantern waiting for me."
"Pricks. They did the same for me- told me they would meet me somewhere, and to follow the lantern. I'm sorry, Natalia."
"Me too."
He fidgeted, uneasy. "You don't have anything to apologize for."
"Well, I'm sorry all the same. Goodnight, Remus. See you in Potions tomorrow."
Lupin winced. "I wouldn't hold it against you if you decided to spike my potion with something explosive." He offered as way of further apology.
"I think I'll just settle for ignoring you because I'm mortified. Although, I don't suppose you'd object to my poisoning your friends?"
"That's if I don't get to them first."
And Lupin would get to them first. He walked with purpose through the halls, towards the Room of Requirement.
"Moony!"
"You're back! And later than we'd expected, too." James winked from his plush armchair.
"Told you we'd picked the right girl, Prongs." Sirius had his wand out for seemingly no reason.
Peter Pettigrew sat miserably in the corner, loosening his tie that seemed to subtly tighten all on its own. "Hi, Remus."
"God, Wormtail. It's Moony." James drawled out the correction.
"I hate those nicknames." Lupin heard him mutter, but the other two paid no mind if they'd heard.
"Poor git. He'll never remember." Sirius flicked his wand almost imperceptibly, and Peter clutched at his collar. His face reddened.
"Come off it. Who's doing that?"
"Doing what, Wormtail?"
"Stop imagining things, Wormtail. I'm tired of hearing you whine."
"Right. We have more important things to listen to." Sirius agreed.
They all turned their heads to Lupin, who was still standing near the doorway. The room was cluttered with desks and chalkboards. In the center sat four comfortable chairs, one for each Marauder.
James patted the one next to him, looking expectant. "Come on, Moony. Tell us all about how you swept her off her feet."
"It's that quiet, nerdy charm. Always gets them in the end." Sirius said solemnly, his irreverent eyes glinting in the firelight.
"I'm not doing this." Lupin spit the words out with distaste.
"What? Did we get the girl wrong, then?" James jerked his gaze towards Peter, accusing him in his tone.
"Your eyes are always wandering off in her general direction in Potions. We sort of… guessed." Peter shrugged apologetically.
"Shut it, Wormtail. We got the right one."
Lupin refused to concede the point. "Where I look is my own business. What gave you the idea to embarrass not only me, but a fourth year who looked up to us?"
James seemed to be absorbing this new turn of events, and Lupin took the rare opportunity of silence from his best friends to dig even deeper.
"I expected a stupid idea like this from you, James. But Sirius- you usually think things through."
"Oh, I thought it through." Sirius snapped back, not willing to be cowed under the Professor-like chastisement. "We're tired of you moping about and not living life like the rest of us."
"Life doesn't have to be lived the way you think it should be, Sirius." Lupin challenged.
The two boys stood rigid on either side of the room. Outside the electric argument, James frowned from his chair, and Peter sulked in the corner, happy for the moment to be forgotten.
"I can't help what I am. But you lot- you choose it. I'm the convenient excuse for you to play outlaws, and I'm tired of it."
Sirius snorted. "You're the excuse for yourself. Weren't you supposed to be the brains of our group?" He glanced at Peter. "You're acting more like the coward."
"I'm not doing this," he repeated, hands now shaking with anger and defeat as he backed towards the door. "Not tonight." Lupin left, his second awkward exit of the night, wondering why, if he'd sworn off dating because of his condition, he hadn't extended that monastic list to include friends.
What started as a thin scratching became knocking, soon transforming into loud whispers.
"Lily! Lily! Lily!"
The window flew open, and James ducked to narrowly avoid it smacking him in the face.
"You're aware we're at Hogwarts, and not in a Shakespeare play?" Lily hissed. A fierce wind tugged her hair in tendrils towards James, who gripped his broom tighter to steady himself.
"So I suppose you won't be wanting to hear the soliloquy I prepared, then?" James grinned at her.
Lily looked away, trying to suppress a smile. "You'd better have a good reason for showing up in the middle of the night like this." With a flick of her wand, she put a charm around them so they wouldn't be heard, "If we get in trouble, I want to know it was for something worthwhile."
"You're always worthwhile, Evans."
"Yes, but you're not, you arrogant-"
"Arrogant toerag, I know," He clicked his tongue and shook his head at her. "It's not particularly flattering, but at least it's a nickname. I'll take it."
Lily rolled her eyes but leaned over the windowsill closer to him all the same. "What are you doing here, James?"
James took a breath and adjusted his glasses, suddenly vulnerably and boyish in the thin moonlight. "Right. I did something stupid."
"Surprising no one." She said, raising a brow.
"I need your help, Lily."
James couldn't help the surge of satisfaction as her expression dropped the teasing pretense. "Of course." She said, and the tenderness in her tone let James know he stood a chance. He forced himself through that particular distraction to the task at hand.
"What did you do this time?"
"It's Moony- Remus. He's been so down. You know how he is with the self sacrificial hero gig. 'I don't want to get close to people because I can hurt them, I've got to swear off connection because of the curse.'"
Lily laughed at his dramatic interpretation. "It's much worse than that, I'm afraid," she said.
"How do you mean?"
"I don't think Remus believes he deserves to be loved."
"That's ridiculous."
"I didn't say it wasn't ridiculous. That doesn't make it untrue."
James mulled the concept over. It was a very foreign one. Maybe he was an arrogant toerag.
"Go on," Lily encouraged him, "What was the stupid thing you did?"
"We tricked him and a fourth year from Potions into a blind date tonight." He wouldn't look at her, now fully aware of just how foolish a remedy it had been, not wanting to see her look of disapproval. He was surprised, then, when he heard her laugh.
"Maybe this is Shakespeare, after all," she said. "A Comedy of Errors."
"I'm afraid I really messed up this time." For all his charm, he felt so lost trying to navigate the emotions of those he cared for. It was why he'd come to Lily, but now, of course, he was lost reading her.
"No, James. You didn't."
"He was livid tonight."
"Oh, I'm sure he was." A comfortable hush settled between them. James could hear cooing from the owlery. He watched Lily, her forehead creased in thought, yet somehow still serene and patient. "I'll talk to him tomorrow. At breakfast."
"Thank you, Lily."
"S'alright." she shrugged off the compliment. "Lupin's my friend, too. You'd better have a good apology ready tomorrow. He needs to know that he isn't a burden to you and Sirius."
"He's not!"
"Well, you need to make him feel that."
Now, James was the one who was quiet, thinking. "Sometimes," he began unsteadily, "it feels like we're the ones holding him back. I mean, he's the one who can- HANG ON, THAT'S IT!"
His broom, sensing the electric jolt of a lightbulb turning on, leaped a little, and James momentarily lost his balance. Before he could recover on his own, Lily had reflexively pulled him into her. She reddened and let go almost instantly. James had hardly noticed, too occupied with his discovery.
"I've got to go, Lily. Thanks for everything. I know what to do now."
"This better not be another ill thought out-"
"No, it's brilliant!" He sped off without saying goodnight.
"Remus! Over here!"
Lupin hadn't slept much, but it was hard not to be won over by the sight of Lily Evans waving enthusiastically, yelling through a mouthful of muffin. "Morning, Lily," he croaked, then grimaced. "Er, sorry about that. Didn't have the best of nights last night."
"You know I'm always happy to see you, whatever state you're in, Remus."
He sat across from her. It was peak breakfast hour in the Great Hall, yet the Marauders were nowhere to be seen. The wolf could smell a trap. "You talked to James last night, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did," she stuck her chin out defiantly.
"I'd hate to know his side of the story."
"You know I'm much too smart to pay attention to sides. He came to me because he's worried about you."
"His worry is what started all this trouble in the first place." Lupin busied himself with filling his plate, even though he had no appetite. He didn't want to be scrutinized, because he knew the end result would be everyone's giving up on him. "It's best if you and everyone just leave me be."
"No. You don't get to be lazy like that. We're not going to let you."
Lupin smiled wryly, making a mental note of that "we" to tell James later, when they were on speaking terms again.
"I know your friends have some absurd ways of showing that they care about you." Lily laughed. "Let them pull their crazy stunts. You may be determined to hate yourself, but I promise other people love you."
"I have good reason to hate myself, Lily. More than most."
"God." She sat back, surveying him suddenly with new eyes. "You're as arrogant as the rest of them, aren't you?"
Lupin could only hold her gaze for a moment before looking away.
"You lot really do deserve each other. But," she added thoughtfully, looking behind him at the corridor he'd come from and softening, "maybe that's not so bad a fate, after all. See you round, Remus."
Before he could say goodbye, someone clapped his shoulders from behind.
"Hiya, Moony," James said.
"You alright?" Sirius asked.
Lupin began deliberately eating, to spite his protesting stomach and to keep up appearances with Sirius and James. "Mmmph," he asserted, grumpily shovelling porridge into his mouth.
"Listen, Moony." James pulled up the chair to Lupin's right, and Sirius took the left one. It felt a bit like an ambush. First red flag.
"I'm sorry. It was my stupid idea. We shouldn't have done it."
"Yeah, and you were right- I should have reined in this git before he could run wild with the plan." Sirius leaned around Lupin to ruffle James' hair.
"Ack, Padfoot!" James swatted at Sirius. "So whaddya say, Moony? Can you find it in your tender, yet feral heart to forgive us?"
That was the second red flag: the too-gleeful apology. What were they up to now?
"S'alright," he said.
"Let us make it up to you," James said.
"You were right about something else last night. You can't help what you are, and we get to choose it." Sirius grabbed a pumpkin pasty off Lupin's plate and began munching.
James leaned in, conspiring. "So, we're choosing."
The two pranksters whispered in Lupin's ears simultaneously, and he choked on his remaining porridge. "I'm NOT doing this."
"Course you're not. We are."
"No, I mean I'm not going to be an accomplice to- this is too illegal even for us." His voice was hushed, panicked, maybe just a little intrigued.
"We've got it all figured out, Moony." James beamed.
Sirius confided, "We're going with our Patronuses. Keeps everything consistent with the nicknames."
What was the feeling overwhelming Lupin right now? Maybe Lily was right- maybe these foolhardy and rash Marauders were up to the difficult task of keeping a werewolf company. For the first time, he let himself begin to feel a little less alone.
"Why?" was all he managed to get out without giving his emotion away.
"You may be the most insufferable of the lot of us-"
"Excepting Wormtail, of course." Sirius interjected.
"Excepting Wormtail, of course." James echoed. "But we are very fond of you, all the same."
"And personally, since I don't much care for bathing, I'm looking forward to having a reason to smell like a dog."
They joked all the way to Potions class, and Lupin decided not to warn his friends when he saw Natalia slip something unsavory into their potions. They'd even the score soon enough.