A/N: So I realize this is going to be the strangest crack!fic I have ever written. It's not graphic because I can't even think about this pairing without laughing (and consequently choking on my spit), so I don't know what I would even do if I dared to go further. Probably fall off my chair, or worse. I don't even know if this pairing EXISTS. Let alone if I'll do a decent job trying to stay OOC. Erm, so, here I go. I hope you laugh too.

Disclaimer: I own not Merlin or any of the characters or scenes mentioned herein. Takes place during Merlin S04 E07.

Rated: T

Pairing A/G (BAHAHAH)

Presenting

The Journals of Agravaine (Concerning Many Troublesome Things)

Dear journal. I don't know how to feel. I'm having trouble breathing. It all began when I made my usual trip to Morgana's hovel – really, she should get real furnishings for that terrible place – and the subject of Gaius came up, rather suddenly. It was so unexpected, I hadn't, that is to say, well, I wasn't expecting it. My heart first froze, and then it began pounding even harder, I could hear it in my ears. Suddenly, all I could think about was Gaius in a whole new light. The way his white hair curled, fresh from a bath, giving it that yellow tinge tone, the way his dark eyes shone each time he burped. The beautiful noises he made whenever he ate, or, perhaps, the way his tongue sort of… lolled out of his mouth in a totally awe-inspiring way when he concentrated.

Morgana must have noticed my silence, for she asked me what was the matter. To my embarrassment, I spurted the name of my love in raptures. Gaius was the man to give us the answers. Gaius was the one that we would bring into our presence, and then he would be with me forever and ever. Well, I left that part out. I was still half stunned by my epiphany.

It was all I could talk about when I got back to the palace. Arthur wished to know of my opinion as to who could be a possible traitor, but all I could speak of was Gaius! Gaius, Gaius, Gaius, my love. How you smell like the potions you brew so well. How I love to speak of your name, even if it is in my bedchamber… alone… at night.

Ah, but there is the chambermaid. Yes, Gwen was rather pretty, especially her hair, but since Gaius… my Gaius! Even Morgana cannot compare.

Oh, sweet Gaius. How I dream of thee in my chambers, stroking my jet black greasy hair.

Till tomorrow, when I shall finally lay eyes on you again, my sweet.

Agravaine

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