Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
Crazy.
Eccentric.
Absolutely Insane.
These are the insults that are usually thrown at me because I dared to be different. I dress the way I do because it's me and nothing will change who I am. I thought these thoughts while trying to stay grounded out of fear of breaking. I caught a glance at the razor sitting on my vanity. Weak. My mind screamed. Worthless. Unneeded. I felt my strong resolve begin to weaken.
September 13, 2012
Dear Diary,
I can feel myself breaking piece by fucking piece. I'm tortured everyday at school and I'm tired of it. Now wouldn't it be grand to take the pistol by the hand… and blow my brains out. I haven't sleep in three days every time I close my eyes my life flashes before me. You know that saying one day your life will flash before you're eyes make sure it's worth watching… watching my life is at the same level of a horror movie to me. I'm scared of my past and I'm not sure if I have a future. Look at me a senior in high school contemplating suicide, pathetic absolutely pathetic. Well it's almost time to leave for school so I'll put my smile on like I put on my jewelry and act like I'm happy… no one can see past my acting and I plan on leaving this world tonight
Sincerely Yours,
Imogen Maria Moreno
I closed my journal and slid it beneath my bed. I stood up and started to get ready, I grabbed my towel and headed towards my bathroom. I stripped and looked at myself with disgust in the mirror. Cuts traveled up my arms and some stray ones scattered across my stomach and thighs. Disgusting. I stared at my reflection directly in the eyes. My brown eyes were hallow of any emotion and my cheeks were slightly sunken in showing my self deprivation of any nutrition. My skin shown a ghostly white and my eyes had deep purple bags surrounding them. I'm basically wasting away. I quickly shook those thoughts from my head I muttered to myself "14 hours, 30 minutes, and 45 seconds left on this God forsaken planet." I stepped into the shower and cleansed myself letting the soap seep into the cuts and burn even further. I found myself back at my vanity and I began putting my happy face on and applied a generous amount of makeup to cover the dark circles and the other flaws on my face. I got dressed in my uniform and a black and gray striped hoodie. I pulled my black knee-highs and my gray uggs. I felt numb as I left my house. Less than 14 hours. I smiled to myself as Degrassi came into view… last time I'll enter these doors, walk these halls, listen to the teachers talk... my thoughts came to a halt when I heard someone screaming my name.
"Imogen…" Fiona yelled running towards me as fast as her Gucci heels would allow her to go.
"Hi," I responded trying to sound as happy as her.
"So I've got this great idea…." I tuned her out as I scanned the campus taking all the scenery in.
"Hey, I'm gonna head to class early so I got to go," I said before heading into the building, not waiting for her to reply.
"Okay remember movie night at my loft on Friday," she yelled as I made my way through the doors. I slowly walked towards my locker taking notice of a piece of paper taped to my locker.
"Hey stranger," I smiled reading this. " so do you want to come over later and watch a movie (of your choosing, of course)?" the note read. I choose to ignore it knowing I was going to be busy tonight.
O.o.O
The day dragged on slowly I talked to my friends and they seemed convinced that nothing was wrong... perfect. I sat in drama class rerunning the plan through my mind.
"Imogen..." Mrs. Dawes called me out. "Dave and you are gonna do a scene." she announced before walking towards her improv box and pulling a slip out. "Mental breakdown" she announced with flourish.
"Okay" I said before disappearing behind the curtain with Dave in tow.
"So which one of use is gonna be crazy?" Dave asked rubbing his hands together.
"I will, it should be easy," I answered monotone the closer I got to the time the more the more my faux happiness diminished.
"Okay let's go," he said gesturing for me to go out first.
"I can't," I screamed running out on stage.
"Please just tell me," he coaxed keeping his distance as I held my head.
"What do you want to know," I lashed out. " do you want to know I watched my uncle commit suicide, do you want to know that I slit my fucking wrists, or that I was this close" I screamed holding my fingers an inch apart " to sending a bullet though my brain. Do you want to know that the shrink has to administer antipsychotics just so I don't have to think about it." I screamed pushing myself so much into character that I was actually speaking truth.
"Calm down it's okay now, it's all okay," Dave tried to calm down my "character".
"No it's not okay it's never ok-" I was cut off by the final bell ringing.
"Sadly that's where we'll have to end today," Mrs. Dawes dismissed. I grabbed my bag and hurried out of class. I didn't even bother to stop by my locker, I don't need books where I'm going. I rushed out of the building and ran down the street not caring what people think. While I was running I felt like I was flying to some distant land where I could be me without repercussion, but sadly I only came to my front door. I fumbled with my key and after three attempts I finally opened the door I quickly abandoned my school bag and ran up the stairs, I have a lot of writing to do before eight tonight. I sat at my desk and pulled a blue pen from the cup of pens placed on the top right corner my desk. "Where shall I start?" I asked aloud tapping the pen to some song beat "Fiona." I then whispered
Dear Fiona,
Hey Doll if your reading this it means I have successfully joined the afterlife. I'm sorry that it has to come to this but I'm sure it's the only way out. If I by some miracle live through this promise me one thing, don't say it gets better. I love you and you were one of my few close friends that have kept me alive this long. I don't want my death to be over exposed so can you not show this letter to anyone else, those who need a letter will get one, those who don't wont get one simple as that. I will also ask that you do not mourn to much, your so pretty with a smile on your face I'd hate to see it go to waste… I rhymed so it must be true. You remember that was one of the first things I said to you that first day of drama class. Move on and chase your dreams.
Love Always,
Imogen Maria Moreno
"Next Eli," I muttered reaching for a clean sheet of notebook paper.
Dear Eli,
Hi Dr. Doom your probably wondering why I did this… well it's a long story, but to keep it short everything I said in Drama class was true plus some. I can't deal with things like that I'm not strong like you. I wish you and Clare well you two should open your eyes and see that your right for each other I should've never messed with you two. I'm sorry that I did this but I can't live any longer, no one cares. Not saying that you and my friends don't but you guys never saw I was slowly dying inside because I'm a good actress. Well I encourage your smiles and expect you won't cry (The End reference just for you I know you love The Black Parade, hey maybe my death will come in the form of a parade, buy a Ouija board and I might contact you… just kidding Don't Mess With Ouija Boards.) I could always joke with you and I loved that… I'll miss you, but don't miss me too much you have Clare, Adam, Fiona, Cece, and Bullfrog. I love you and I don't mean to hurt you in anyway.
Remember Me as I was,
Imogen Maria Moreno
"I guess I have to leave one for my parents," I sighed this is harder than I ever imagined.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Hello. Let me start by saying this is not your faults if anything its mine. I've been tortured not just by the kids at school but by my thoughts. They're killing me and breaking me and I just can't take it anymore I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I'm sorry I have gone down this road but I'm so far deep that I can't pick myself back up and move on. I can't wait to leave this planet it's been eating away at me for so long and I'm finally going to be set free. I love both of you so much and I want you to move on after my death I can't deal with the guilt that you two can't move on because you had to bury your daughter before her time, but I solely believe it is my time I'm not of use to this world so why waste the oxygen. I love you and goodbye.
Your Daughter,
Imogen Maria Moreno
"Adam," I whispered this is probably gonna be the hardest.
Dear Adam,
Hey Stranger sorry I cant make it to the movie I was a little busy… okay I won't joke this is a serious matter. You know when we first met and you called me phsyco well surprise! You were right I am mentally unstable, but you didn't cause this if one thing you've been my rock for the last couple of months and I love you for it. I love you don't forget that you were the best thing to ever happen to me. Remember our first date when we went to see Gnomeo and Juliet and all the kids looked at us like we were insane… yeah I do too and then that theater guy to us to calm ourselves… good times. I'm sorry if your sad I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, I love you, I LOVE you and I believe you can live past this and own that comic book store you always dreamed of having. I just wish things didn't have to end this way but can you please understand the circumstances… I can't believe I'm about to do this, but it has to happen don't hurt yourself it's a horrid habit and I don't want you to. I'm sorry.
I love you, Adam Torres,
Imogen Maria Moreno
I finished the last letter and set it in the stack with the rest. 7:45 p.m. my clock read. "Fifteen minutes," I gently whispered taking out my diary and the gun I had concealed under my bed. Thirteen minutes were passed by me pacing in my room while listening to my iPod. Two minutes I picked up the gun and my phone. "I'm sorry, but I have to fly to dream. And I always dreamed dreams that have never been dreamed by any other mortal so I guess I have to become an angel to fly, but if stay on this earth I will continue to just be a fallen angel" I texted all my contacts as tears slid down my face. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" I counted down softly when I hit one I pulled the trigger….
I have to be an angel to fly….