It was a normal day in Holby's ED department. The night shift had just ended and all the staff was being replaced with their daytime counterparts. Toby De Silva in particular looked shattered after a double shift in the gruelling ED he was ready for his bed, he had bags under his eyelids as large as skips and as he walked through the hospital doors. Walking through those same doors at that moment was Jay with his coffee in his hand who was walking jolly, as ever, with an unexpected companion, Ruth Winters. They both looked starry eyed and happy as they joked together about how terrible the day ahead was going to be with Ruth in-particular looking very up beat with a small satchel swinging over her shoulder. Unfortunately the pairs happy start to the day was quickly ended when Toby, oblivious to the world around him he was so dazed, knocked straight into Jay. Jay shouted out when his arm was given a slight splatter in hot coffee, he looked angrily at Toby "Err. Toby, you almost covered me with coffee man!" Jay's anger hardly registered with Toby but Jay was loud enough to convince him that he'd done something wrong "oh, my gosh, sorry Jay I er didn't mean to I-" Toby fuddled around with his jacket pockets trying hard to find a tissue to dry Jay's arm. But, Jay, realising Toby was just tired and didn't mean to gave him a forgiving look and simply patted his shoulder with a reassuring hand. "You get off home Toby and get some sleep at least it wasn't the whole cup", Toby made it to the door after smiling thankfully to Jay and then burst out into the fresh morning air.
"That was lucky" Ruth said, and though she smiled she gripped her satchel tight with her hands, this didn't go unbeknowtest. "Yeah, I meant to ask, what's with the bag?" Jay asked with an enquiring eye. "Oh, it's nothing really just a few case notes." Ruth's reply was so unconvincing even she didn't believe it, which meant that she was a sitting duck for Jay who turned on her like a wild cat. "so, if it's nothing then you won't mind if I get a bit of coffee on it" Jay tipped his cup ever so slightly towards the bag but Ruth just confirmed the bags importance by shouting "No, don't!" and snatching the bag out of his reach. "But if it isn't important then it doesn't matter" Jay enjoyed annoying Ruth, he'd done it often enough but usually she just brushed it off. So when he started to tug at the bag and she started shouting he felt a great thrill at his power over her. "Come on Ruth, lets have a peak" "No, Jay please let go of it, its private!" Soon the pair was in the middle of the ED fighting over the satchel, Ruth hated being the centre of attention and just wanted to put the bag in her locker where Jay couldn't get to it, but as usual he couldn't resist winding her up.
Unbeknownst to the squabbling pair however Ruth's satchel had a clasp on the strap which allowed it to be adjustable but also kept the strap together. This clasp was breaking from all the violent pulling and was almost at breaking point.
Jay was getting slightly tired of his little game after about a minute and decided to finish it and go for his coffee. He wouldn't let Ruth have the satisfaction of the victory though so he had to win. He looked Ruth square in the face, she was blushing furiously from embarrassment and he knew it. "Whatever's in here must be important to get you so flustered about" Ruth simply stared at him with contempt as he reached inside the bag with his hand "Ooh it's a book, maybe it's a diary?", the word diary buzzed round the ED like wildfire as everyone remembered the diary Ruth had kept before her suicide attempt. Charlie's ears in particular were pricked up and he headed over to them hoping to stop Jay before he read Ruth's diary and possible some terrible secrets of Ruth's. He was too late however because, as Jay's hand went into the satchel Ruth tugged away one final time. The clasp on her satchel however broke off completely and the force of her pull with Jay's right hand still inside the bag forced him forward and forced him to drop his cup of coffee. As the two items fell to the floor Ruth and Jay both stood stock still, Jay made a face of slight disappointment at the loss of his coffee but Ruth absolutely exploded. "NO!" she shouted at the top of her voice as the coffee spilt all over her bag covering the inside with the hot liquid. She dived straight at the floor but it was too late, everything was ruined. Jay couldn't understand why Ruth was so upset and started giggling "Woops, sorry Ruth didn't mean to mess up your bag" Jay continued to laugh at her as Ruth got up from the floor clutching the soggy satchel with a look of pure furry on her face. "You idiot! Look what you did!" The whole ED was captivated by what was going on and Jay was taken aback at her ferocious reaction to what he just saw as an accident. "Wow, wow, Ruth calm down its just coffee yeah. Look I'll buy you another satchel, k?" But it wasn't ok, Jay had no idea what had been in Ruth's satchel and she couldn't just let it go. She slapped him hard on the face with her less soggy hand as tears started to roll down her face "Don't you dare speak to me! Don't you dare speak to me again you stupid, childish git!" Jay turned slowly, expecting another blow, but all he saw was a teary faced Ruth, her once nice make up rolling down her face shaking with anger. He didn't say anything in response and she simply stormed off in a run towards the on-call room. Jay started to run after her when Charlie got him by the shirt and pulled him back "Charlie, man, let go of me yeah. I've got to go and check that she's ok" Charlie shook his head as he loosened his grip on Jay's shirt, "I think you've done enough today, don't you?" Jay looked down at his feet, ashamed of himself, as Charlie let go of his shirt completely. "Just let her be by herself for a while" "but-" Jay began "and don't under any circumstances speak to her, at least for the rest of the day, understand?" Jay took a deep breath and nodded. "Good" Charlie said "Now go and deal with Mrs. Clenham in cubicle 3" Charlie handed Jay some notes and moved away, glancing back to hurry Jay along with his eyes. Jay let out a big sigh and checked the route Ruth had taken out of the ED for her but she was long gone. He felt a sense of shame at his behaviour but also wanted to know what was wrong with Ruth, she was beginning to be one of his favourite people and he did actually think she was quite pretty if he was honest.
As the day wore on Jay's concern for Ruth grew and every time he took a break he kept meaning to go and see how she was, but every time he tried he felt Charlie's eyes glaring at him and watching his every move from across the ED. He also kept putting it off thinking to himself that she'd not want to see him or she'd be fine without him, all pathetic excuses but ones he stuck by.
Eventually Ruth appeared on the ED and got straight to work without even an indication of sadness. She made sure to stay out of Jay's way (ducking into a patient's room whenever he appeared) and getting stuck in to whatever she was doing. She didn't usually let things get to her these days but she'd just snapped and hardly wanted to relive what had happened with anyone. Nick Jordan was the only one who understood that she wanted to be left alone and was the only one who, even though he had watched the whole event earlier, didn't question her about it. That's why she still respected him greatly, even if their relationship had fizzled out he was still a man she greatly admired and one she hoped still held her in the same regard.
"Dr. Winters, will you take Mrs. Clenham, I think she has a severe case of pneumonia and I would like you to confirm it if you would be so kind." Nick Jordan had always talked to her like she was his equal, and after the morning she'd had it was nice to feel that he still saw her in that way.
"Of course Mr. Jordan, I'll get right on it" A thankful nod from Jordan was all Ruth needed to spur her on and she almost skipped to cubicle 10 and the residing Mrs. Clenham. Ruth's skip however stopped abruptly when she entered the cubicle to find Jay leaning over her with a bag of fluid that he was attaching to her drip. "there you go old girl, now you can get a drink and you don't even have to spoil you lovely lip-gloss, eh" Jay winked at the elderly lady, he'd always had a way with the ladies, Ruth thought but the old women seemed to like it so Ruth would leave off him for now. There was no need for the patient to know about their hostility, Ruth thought. "Hello Mrs. Clenham, I'm Dr. Winters. I hope nurse Feldron had been taking good care of you" The words grinded in her mouth like charcoal as she said them. She was trying to be professional but all she really wanted to do was stab Jay in the head with a scalpel.
Jay didn't realise that Ruth had been behind him; he coughed loudly and checked over Mrs. Clenham's monitor. He heard her saying nice things about him but the way she said them he knew she didn't mean it. He voice wasn't very convincing but the patient didn't seem to notice, Jay knew she was just trying to be professional and could have played along for a laugh but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He kept telling himself it was because he was also just trying to be professional but the truth was he actually cared; he didn't want Ruth to cry again. He turned to see Ruth with a small smile on her face as she spoke to Mrs. Clenham about how her pneumonia was treatable and she should be fine. She never looked at him apart from one glance as she left the cubicle; he almost followed her but then lost his confidence and turned back to Mrs. Clenham.
It was the end of Jay's shift and, as he began to change out of his scrubs, he thought of Ruth again. She'd been on his mind all day and he couldn't get her out of his head, he was sure he'd deeply hurt her that morning and was feeling very ashamed of himself, but something inside of his head still longed to know what was so important in her satchel to cause her so much pain when it got wet.
It wasn't long before he was ready to leave but, as he picked up his satchel, the worst person walked in the door, Ruth. She looked tired and was slouching slightly as she came through the door but one look at Jay made her stand bolt up right and send him an awful glare. She had the locker at the end which she opened very violently; she hid her face behind the locker door and began rooting around for something. Jay was going to walk out the door but something kept him inside. He couldn't just leave, he thought, he had to say something to her.
"Er, Ruth" he said slightly more nervously than he wanted to "Have you got a sec?" he kicked himself in his minde for not having a stronger opening line but was too caught up with what she might say to care a lot about it. "What is it?" Ruth said annoyed at Jay for not just leaving her alone. Jay was slightly insulted that she didn't even look at him but figured if he pushed the issue she'd get even angrier with him. "look, Ruth, I never meant to hurt your feelings this morning, I was just having a mess about" Jay felt pathetic listening to himself talk, he felt like a six year old. Ruth made no attempt to answer this time but just stayed quiet, silently fiddling with her locker's contents. "I didn't know that your diary meant so much to you-" Jay began but he was interrupted by Ruth. "it's not a diary! I don't keep a diary anymore and even if I did I wouldn't bring it to work where foolish little boys like you could look at it!" Jay was deeply insulted at her calling him 'boy' he had never liked the word even as a child and thought she had no right to call it him. "Look, I'm trying to apologize here! There's no need to bite my head off!" Jay hadn't meant to be so loud but couldn't control it. "Well you'll have to apologize to the wall or something cause I'm not listening!" Ruth shouted into his face before trying to walk off but Jay blocked her path with his arm as he laughed mockingly at her. "What is your problem," Jay's voice had returned to normal volume now "all I did was spill coffee on your stupid bag and you go off on one. And then, when I try to apologize you just shout at me. Why can't you just accept my apology?" Jay stared at Ruth for a second putting his other arm on the other side of the wall she was leaning on. "I can't accept your apology because you destroyed something very precious to me, something I'll never see again all because you were bored and decided to play a cruel game at my expense!" though her voice was quiet Jay could hear the sadness hidden within it. She was in pain about this thing that had been destroyed and it was pretty big. What had been in that book she'd had in her bag? Jay thought. "What? What was it I destroyed, Ruth? What could have been in your bag to cause you this much pain?" Jay's voice was soft and his words were kind, he didn't know what he was saying it for but something in him had to ask. Ruth just looked at him with her big, beautiful eyes and he could see her assessing him to see if he was trustworthy enough to learn the truth. And though she was angry about him Jay had a way about him that you could tell was trustworthy. Ruth believed in him and she felt she had to tell someone why she was so upset just to get it off her chest.
Ruth walked towards her locker as Jay lowered his arms to let her pass. She opened the locker and took out the slightly dried off but still much damaged book and handed it to Jay. He handled it very delicately almost as if it was some intricate piece of equipment that was worth millions of pounds, he inspected the beautiful lining on the book and, even with the coffee stain, how beautiful the book was with its many different indented flower patterns and the lovely red bow that was in the centre of the book. "What is it?" he aid looking at Ruth again, "take a look inside, but be careful" she was worried about the book, jay thought since she emphasized the 'be careful' a lot. So, following her advice Jay was very delicate with the book, he opened the cover with the lightest of lifts and saw enscibed with in its pages the word 'To my beloved wife, Sally' written in golden writing across the page. Jay realised that the book wasn't a diary but a photo album and on every page there was a picture of the same brown haired, blue eyed woman who was very pretty and in some of the pictures was carrying a baby or two. Jay had never been the brightest of people but he was clever enough to realise the woman was Ruth's mum and that one of the baby's was her. "She's beautiful, your mum" Jay said calmly closing the book carefully and handing it back to Ruth. "I know, she was always pretty, I remember her that way at least." Ruth's voice was quiet and trembling "So she's-" Jay didn't even need to finish the sentence, he knew that Ruth's mum was dead as soon as he'd heard her speak but her nod to him was just a simple reassurance. "I'm sorry" Jay said quietly "Don't be" Ruth replied "She died years ago, when I was little actually" this was obviously a sensitive subject but Jay still needed to know more. "Why did you bring the book in today? If you don't mind me asking" Jay tried to say it as casually as possible trying not to hurt Ruth's feelings. "I only got it on the way to work. My dad left it to me when he died and I was just picking it up from the solicitors" Ruth had tears in her eyes as she mentioned her father. "So your dad's dead too" Jay felt he said this slightly more intriguingly than he meant to "yes, he died last week", this confused Jay, Ruth had been on shift all week he'd worked with her so there was no way she could've attended her dads funeral. Ruth guessed this was to be his next question and answered "I didn't got to his funeral, I, we didn't get along that well" Ruth gulped and tried to hide her tears that were streaming down her face from Jay.
Jay hardly knew what to do; he felt guilty for making Ruth cry but didn't want to seem callous by leaving. Suddenly though, at the sight of her face covered in tears, he felt an overwhelming need to comfort her, to keep her safe. He'd said he'd never make her cry again so he felt he had to do everything he could to help her. He walked over to her and gave her a large hug. It came as a surprise to Ruth but she didn't even try to move away. She was tired of hiding her feelings from everyone and didn't have the energy anymore. Jay's arms were also warm and inviting and she felt safe with him even though only a few hours before she'd wanted to stab him with a scalpel.
Jay held ruth for several minutes before they parted. Her pager went and she was called out to a RTC, she wished Jay goodbye with a kiss on the cheek thanking him for his kindness. As she left she put the photo album in the bin and when Jay asked why she simply said "because it's destroyed, there's nothing I can do about it" Jay was hurt by this, he didn't like the thought of Ruth never seeing her mother's face again because of him. So, when Ruth had gone back to the ED, Jay picked the book out of the bin. He remembered he had an old college friend that restored photos who owed him a favour and thought this might be the time to redeem that favour.
The next day dawned and Ruth had just finished her double shift like Toby the day before. She wasn't as exhausted but she was definitely ready for her sleep. She got dressed and walked out into the sunlight of the new day, her moment of closeness with Jay had spurred her on throughout the nightshift just as Nick Jordan's respectful words had done and she had been expertly productive during the RTC incident. Ruth felt happy that for once she could leave the ED with a smile on her face and felt an almost buzz of excitement at the thought of spending another shift with Jay, if he was going to be this nice to her she wasn't going to complain. Suddenly, just as Ruth was thinking this, Jay appeared in front of her holding a present and a coffee this time with a lid on it. "Lid this time to prevent spillages" Jay said with a cheeky smile that seemed to be contagious as Ruth gave him a wide smile in return. "What's that?" Ruth asked hinting at the nicely wrapped present. "It's for you, from me" Jay gave it to Ruth who quickly got down to the business of opening the gift, she was very surprised, she'd never had a spontaneous gift before. But her surprise was double when she saw what was inside, a photo album almost exactly like the one she'd thrown away except with different flowers was staring up at her, she opened it to find the same enscription carved into it and on the next couple of pages were her old photographs all in pristine condition. Ruth was gobsmacked, she could hardly speak as she looked up with her wide eyes at Jay's face. He was still smiling though this one was a smile meant only for her and she knew it. She didn't need to speak for her knew exactly what she wanted to say, he could see her appreciation as he spoke "I have a friend who does this kind of stuff, he owed me a favour" Jay covered up his emotion well but he was so happy Ruth like his gift, he would have hated her to be angry with him. He was even happier when she kissed him, it was slightly longer than Ruth probably wanted it to be but neither of them would have stopped it. They both felt emotions they couldn't express but as they kissed everything seemed to melt away. Ruth broke away first, reluctantly as she saw her bus coming but made sure not to let go of Jay's hand until the last second as she moved away with a smile. He waved her off as she went feeling for the first time in his life the thought of actually wanting to take the kiss further, not just wanting a cheap thrill like the one sex with random girls brought him. He really cared about Ruth and instantly missed her when she was gone. As he walked into the ED his face erupted into a smile and everyone seemed to be in a good mood with him.