Olivia closed Noah's door, poured herself the usual glass of wine and picked up her phone. She scrolled through her Spotify and hit a track, letting it's melancholy orchestra fill the living room. She didn't know why, but this song just spoke to her. Something about the singer's voice felt…familiar; safe. She closed her eyes and hummed along.

Someone to hold me too close.

Someone to hurt me too deep.

Someone to sit in my chair,

And ruin my sleep,

And make me aware,

Of being alive.

Being alive.

She thought about Ed, wondered what he might be doing at that very moment, while she sat alone in her living room. What he would've been doing if she hadn't ended things in that very room.

Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

She had done it for noble reasons; at least that's what she kept telling herself. Noah needed her full attention, it wasn't fair to Ed. To her. To either of them. She didn't push him away, she set him free. Free to…live.

Then her thoughts drifted farther back, before Ed. In the "alone" times, as they were. The "off" season; but before that…Brian.

Somebody need me too much.

Somebody know me too well.

God, Brian. He could make her so angry, then with a flash of that smile or a smart-ass line, make her crack up into laughter and forget why she was even angry in the first place. He could make her blood boil in both good and bad ways, things with him were never…boring.

That is, until they were. And when they got "Boring", had she just cut and run? At the time she told herself that they both "outgrew" the relationship. But had they really? Maybe they just both grew UP, and that scared her. Maybe she needed the "fire", the "Chaos" that being with someone like Brian promised.

Somebody pull me up short,

And put me through hell,

And give me support,

For being alive.

Make me alive.

Make me alive.

Thinking about Brian, the memories of "the good ol' days" flooding back; it always inevitably led to thoughts of one other person: Elliot.

Make me confused.

Mock me with praise.

Let me be used.

Vary my days.

It was then that she happened to notice the salty droplets plopping into her wine glass, and she realized she was crying.

Why was she crying? Was she unhappy? She was in the prime of her life; she ran a highly esteemed department of the NYPD, she saved lives every day. She had a beautiful little boy, wonderful friends; her life was full.

Wasn't it?

But alone,

Is alone,

Not alive.

She closed her eyes once again and breathed in deeply, wiping the stray tears from her face. Then back out with a throaty sigh—she had to get a grip on her emotions. Can't wake Noah, can't wake Noah.

Why did she keep pushing these men away, how did she always end up alone? More importantly, why did she continue to let it happen?

All these years, all these men. It was just…easier, to be alone. No expectations, no disappointments. That was why, and she knew it. But she wasn't who she was twenty years ago, hell she wasn't the same person she was a year ago.

She really thought that with Ed she had gotten it right, she had gotten over her fear. She was completely fine planning a future with him, she WANTED to build a future with him. With Noah. A perfect family, right out of a Hallmark card.

So why did she run? Was he not everything she had dreamed of? Everything she had planned as the "Right" man? Maybe that wasn't it.

Maybe, she needed all three of these men—they each individually brought out the best parts of her: DC, Brian….Elliot.

But wanting the "perfect" guy, mixed from a bunch of exes, this was reality; not some Rom Com. Guys like that aren't fabricated out of thin air, wished into existence.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Olivia's head spun towards her door; had she really just heard that? As if on cue, had her silent prayers been instantly answered? She didn't believe in one Higher Power, but this was kind of a unforgivable evidence.

She cautiously walked to the door and looked through the peephole. Of course….

Somebody let me come through,

I'll always be there,

As frightened as you,

To help us survive,

"Hey Liv, I'm sorry to just come by like this but I had a date cancel in the area, and I thought we might crack this bottle of wine I brought along…." He rattled of an explanation in a haphazard tone, his Armani suit drenched by the rain and covered in an even more soaked trench coat.

"…You mean to tell me someone dared to stand up the incomparable ADA, Rafael Barba?" She quipped with a wry smile.

"I uh…. I may have seen her and ran the other way. Pretty sure I was old enough to be her father," He chuckled, still standing in the doorway. He peered inside as he lowered his voice:

"I'm sorry, is Noah even asleep yet? I shouldn't have just dropped by, I don't know what I was thinking I just—" He shook his head and he started to walk away. Before she knew what she was doing, her hand grabbed his and pulled him back towards her. Their eyes both darted towards their now interlocking fingers; did he feel it too?

"No no no you're fine—he just went down," She assured him, gesturing inside her apartment.

"A drink sounds wonderful"

Barba's face relaxed into a warm smile, a smile Olivia had never really noticed before; it made her feel…. safe.

"God, he is a GREAT singer, isn't he?" Barba nodded towards her phone where the song was coming to an end.

Olivia nodded as she went into the kitchen to get a bottle opener and another wine glass.

"Yeah, I guess he's alright…." She shrugged with an amused grin. THIS is what it felt like, this is what she missed…. feeling alive.

Being alive.

Being alive.

Being alive!