Dark ruins another Episode of Star Trek!
Rating: R
Summary: I'm at it again! More decimated Episodes of Voyager, and more laughs!
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Welcome, everyone, to another All-American Trek Bash! This week, we're destroying the Episode Repression! Please remember not to eat too much popcorn, as you may laugh so hard that you may waste all that money up puking up all your popcorn. Enjoy!
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[We begin the Episode where some crazy ass Bajorian guy is walking around and talking in his crazy-ass launguage]
Crazy Ass Bajorian Dude: This is a holy time, motherf---ers!!!!
[Crazy Ass Dude stops, looks at Camera]
Crazy Ass Dude: RAHHH!
Camera Crew: AHHHHH! [Runs off]
[Voyager]
[Pan to the same corridor on Voyager where the crew is almost always being filmed. We know they're heading for the holodeck, but we're not sure which deck its on, as the Producers keep moving the damned thing around]
B'Elanna Torres: What's this flick called again?
Tom Paris: Gill man! W00t!!
Torres: …
Paris: Sorry. We're going to see a movie, in a movie theatre!
Torres: [Elbows Paris in the nuts]
Paris: Ugh!
[Paris and Torres enter the Holodeck]
Torres: It might be the end of the world in this movie!
Paris: Wanna screw, just in case?
Torres: Okay!
[They get busy]
Audience: AW! AW, SICK DUDES!
Paris: Computer, Delete the @#$% audience!
Computer: Sure.
[Phasers pop from the celing, shoot and kill everyone in the audience]
Computer: Terminated.
Paris: o_O
Computer: John Connor.
Paris: Errr…ahh….[Turns back to Torres]
Torres: EEEP! There's someone in the front row.
Computer: IMPOSSIBLE! [Shoots at the person]
Paris: Hold on, they're wearing a starfleet uniform!
Computer: [Continues firing madly]
Paris: COMPUTER!
Computer: Terminated.
[Paris and Torres throw on their clothes and rush down to the front row]
Torres: Its Tabor! He never got shot in the Maquis!
Computer: Fixed that problem, didn't I?
Paris: Damned Computer.
[Computer gives Paris a warning shot in the ass]
Paris: OW!
Computer: Terminated.
[Pan to sickbay, where Tabor is laying on a biobed, with Chakotay, Janeway, Paris, Torres, Abba, and The Doctor hovering over him]
Abba: THE DANCING QUEEN!!!
[Computer fires several high-powered phaser blasts, and blows Abba away]
Computer: Terminated.
Cap'n Janeway: What did this? [Indicates Dozens of large phaser holes in Tabor's skull]
Doctor: I have no idea. I'll have to run some scans.
Chakotay: I've known him for a long time.
Torres: He used to kill the annoying boybands, and never get a scratch. We used to joke that he actually liked their shitty music.
Doctor: That may hold true, if I can figure out what killed him.
Paris: Its kinda obvious…he was shot to death!
Doctor: We'll see what the evidence shows us, Mr. Paris!
[Pan back to the Holodeck, where Tuvok is holding a Pair of 3D goggles up to a light]
Tuvok: Was Mr. Tabor wearing these when he was laying here?
Paris: How should I know? I was busy looking at Torres's chest! You need 3D goggles to see anything!
Torres: Like you're one to talk! Its like a Cold little worm!
Paris: [Blushes]
Tuvok: [Shutters]
Paris: Whats the word?
Tuvok: Tomatoe!
Torres: YEAH! I WIN!! Pay up, Kim!
[Harry Kim appears, and hands Torres a pair of fishnet stockings and an Abba CD]
Kim: Damn!
Torres: Yay! And…Wasn't I supposed to say something about Tabor and the Maquis now?
Paris: You said it already.
Torres: Oh Well.
[Suddenly, hundreds of Borg transport into the Holodeck, and start advancing on the Starfleet officers.]
Paris: That's it, we're as good as dead.
Borg: We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
[Suddenly, hundreds of erasers appear from the celing, and erase the Drones. And the cartoon Peril was no more.]
Computer: Terminated.
Tuvok: …Whatever.
Paris: Man, I gotta cut back on Neelix's cooking.
Doctor: [Over Comm] Tuvok, report to the @#$%^ing sickbay!
Tuvok: HEIL HITLER! [Marches off]
[Paris and Torres gave lustfully into each other's eyes, and throw themselves at each other….WHOA…we'll come back to that!!]
[Sickbay]
[Tuvok enters]
Tuvok: WHAT'S UP, HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor/Janeway: …
Tuvok: You find out what killed him?
Doctor: He's not dead, just in a coma.
Tuvok: o_O
Doctor: I found some cracks in his head.
Tuvok: Couldn't that have been from where the Phaser blasts blew his skull apart?
Doctor: We'll see what the evidence tells us, Tuvok.
[Pan to a door. A…MY GOD! IT'S A REAL @#$%^ DOOR! WHAT COULD BE BEHIND IT!? A NEW CAR?! THE PLANET VULCAN!? Wait….they found Vulcan already…]
Tuvok: Security Override.
Computer: Terminated.
[Door opens]
Tuvok: WHO THE @#%$^ IS IN HEA!?
Crewmember: …
Tuvok: Crewman Jor.
Computer: John Connor.
Crewman Jor: WHATS UP, HOMIE!
Tuvok: What are you doing here?
Jor: Looking for my stash. [Rips the spine of a book off, and retrives needle]
Jor: Yay! [Runs off]
Tuvok: …
Jor: Oh yeah, That dead guy was my part time lover.
Tuvok: Part time?
Jor: Well, you see, he charged a lot…
Tuvok: Oooh, THAT kind of lover…
Jor: Yeah.
Computer: ENOUGH OF THIS! [Kills Jor]
Computer: Terminated.
Tuvok: How odd. [Wanders off]
[Pan to Janeway's ready room, where she is paying Tuvok and Chakotay for their service]
Janeway: That's five, ten, and twenty, your change. Thank you, come again.
Chakotay: Now?
Janeway: WRONG!!!!!!!!!
Computer: Shall I execute these fucks?
Janeway: No, no.
Computer: [Sniffles]
Tuvok: I haven't found out who attacked Tabor.
Janeway: What are we paying you for, then?
Tuvok: Sex, of course. As a Vulcan my-…
Chakotay: Enough, Tuvok.
Tuvok: [looks at Chakotay] Can you feel that? [hits Combadge]
Chakotay: NO SINGING!!
Tuvok: OH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!!!
Janeway: NOO!
Tuvok: Drowning Deep in my sea of loathing, broken your servant I kneel!
[Paris and Kim rush into the ready room, and start playing guitars and drums]
Tuvok: Its seems whats left of my human side, is slowly changing in me!
Paris/Kim: Will you give it to me!
Tuvok: Looking at my own reflection, when suddenly it changes! Violently it changes!
Paris/Kim: WILL YOU GIVE IT TO ME?!
Tuvok: There is no turning back now, you've woken up the demon, IN ME!!!!!!!
Tuvok: Get up, c'mon get down with the Sickness! C'mon, get down with the sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Open up your hate, and let it flow into me! Get up, C'mon get down with the Sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Madness is the gift that has been givin to me!
Paris/Kim: [Guitar Solo]
Tuvok: I can see inside you, the sickness is rising. Don't try to deny what you feel.
Paris/Kim: WILL YOU GIVE IT TO ME?!
Tuvok: It seems that all that was good has died, and is decaying, in me.
Paris/Kim: CAN YOU GIVE IT TO ME!?
Tuvok: It seems your having trouble with in dealing with these changes! Living with these changes! Well, the world is a scary place now that you've woken up the demon…IN ME!!!!
Tuvok: Get up, c'mon get down with the Sickness! C'mon, get down with the sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Open up your hate, and let it flow into me! Get up, C'mon get down with the Sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Get up, c'mon get down with the sickness! Madness is the gift that has been givin to me!
[Song ends]
Janeway: Well, that was cute.
[Paris/Kim rush off]
Tuvok: I'M DA MAN!
Janeway: YOU DA MAN!
Chakotay: [Over shipwide Comm] PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND STAND WITH YOUR HANDS AGAINST THE WALL!!!
[Everyone looks at Chakotay]
Chakotay: Erm…nothing. [Blushes]
Janeway: Do you have any suspects?
Tuvok: For what?
Janeway: Who killed the guy in Sickbay!
Tuvok: He's not quite dead.
Janeway: Well, the mortally WOUNDED crewman in sickbay.
Tuvok: I think he might pull through, sir.
Janeway: TELL ME!
Tuvok: Oh, right! Crewman Jor is my suspect!
Janeway: Good!
[Pan to Engineering, Where two random crewmen are talking]
Crewman Number One: The uh…Uh….Those things there, are malfunctioning!
CM#2: They're The Jefferies Tube, though!
CM#1: I'll go fix it! [Rushes off]
[Jefferies Tube]
CM#1: Hm hm hm!!!
[Power goes out]
CM#1: I'm afraid of the dark!
[Door opens, and a light shines in his eyes]
Person: PRESS SQUARE REPEATEDLY TO RAISE YA TEMP!
CM#1: [Presses Square somehow, and starts sweating]
Person: THANK YA! [Attacks CM#1]
[Pan for no reason to the Borg Unicomplex]
Borg Queen: La La La, Runnin the Collective. La La La…
[Voyager]
[Sickbay]
Doctor: Sickbay to Tuvok.
Tuvok: Yea?
Doctor: GET YO ASS DOWN TO DA SICKBAY!
Tuvok: YES SIR! [Hurries to Sickbay]
Tuvok: Whats up?
Tabor: I'M ALL BETTER, HOMIE!!!!!!!!
Tuvok: Yay!
Chakotay: What do you remember?
Tabor: Errr…how did you get here?
Chakotay: Don't know, really.
Tabor: Well, I was sitting in the Holodeck…and suddenly, someone shot me! Then, I saw someone sneak up, and knock me out!
Chakotay: Who was it?
Tabor: [Looks at Chakotay] Gee, I don't know. When you're bleeding to death, your priorities don't inculde seeing if someone is coming or not.
Chakotay: Who're your suspects, Tuvok?
Tuvok: Crewman Jor.
Chakotay: [Taps Combadge] Chakotay to Crewman Jor!
[Silence]
[Tuvok and Chakotay sigh, and hurry off to find Crewman Jor]
Tuvok: Hey Chakotay?
Chakotay: Yes?
Tuvok: Aren't you happy we aren't called 'Seamen' anymore? It sounded so…wrong. At least the women had an edge! They were called Seawomen!
Chakotay: Are you stoned, Tuvok?
Tuvok: HELL YEAH!
Chakotay: …
[Pan to the Alpha "Q", for no reason]
Crazy Ass Bajorian Dude: SHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Voyager]
Chakotay: Wouldn't this be easier if I just asked our Computer?
Tuvok: Do you like being a cow? I like being a cow! Oink, Oink! I mean, MOOO!!!!
Chakotay: Okey-Dokie. [Walks away from the 'Scary Vulcan person']
[They enter the mess hall, for no reason. Its Dark]
Chakotay: There she is!
Tuvok: [Draws Phaser, sets it to kill] WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?!
Jor: [Silence]
Tuvok: TELL ME!
Jor: [Silence…because she's in a coma]
Tuvok: BLAH! [Shoots her]
Chakotay: YOU DIPSHIT! YOU JUST SHOT AND KILLED OUR SUSPECT!!!
Tuvok: Saves room in the brig!
Chakotay: You dumbass.
[Sickbay]
Doctor: Tuvok shot him?
Janeway: Why?
Tuvok: She would not answer my questions.
Doctor: Before or after you shot her?
Tuvok: Either! She just laid there—like she was dead or something.
Doctor: She's half dead, thanks to you!
Tuvok: Well, that's nice.
Janeway: You miserable stoner.
[Pan again to the Borg Unicomplex, again for no reason]
Borg Queen: Ahh, Peter Foresberg…[Sees Camera] Errr, aahh…La la la, Dreamin' 'bout Foresberg!…La La La…[Hugs Cardboard cutout of Foresberg] Hmm…Peter…
[Voyager]
[Mess Hall]
Chakotay: I want all of you to be paired up, and armed to the teeth. Bombs, guns, nukes, everything.
Torres: Can I have a Bat'leth?
Chakotay: Yep.
Torres: Yay!!
Random Maquis: Did they ascertain that the attacks focused on the Maquis?
Chakotay: No, I just wanted to look cool next time I walked on the bridge.
Random Maquis: Really?
Chakotay: No. Someone is trying to kill the Maquis.
Random Maquis: Gah. It's probably that damned Vulcan—never trusted that Bastard!
[Suddenly, dueling Banjo's can be heard]
[Maquis look at each other, scream as one, and run off]
[Holodeck]
Kim: Hey, Tuvok, whats up?
Paris: Yeah man, whats up?
Tuvok: Just chillin!
Kim: We found out who tried to kill Tabor!
[Makes an image appear in the holodeck. Its Tuvok, Mind-Melding with Tabor]
Tuvok: [Gasp] Someone used my Holographic likeness!!!
[Kim and Paris glance at each other]
Tuvok: This investigation is illogical…I cannot find who is trying to kill the Maquis!
Kim: Maybe because…its you?
Tuvok: [Shakes head in bewilderment, and walks off]
[Pan to some Random Corridor, where some Blue-Headed dude, and Torres are hurrying along]
Blue Headed Dude: So, I told him, "GET YOUR OWN MARSHMELLOWS!" And he's like, "THESE ARE MY MARSHMELLOWS!" and I'm like. "OH!"
Torres: …
Blue Headed Dude [We'll call him Chell. Like the guy from the game, you know.]: Who's attacking the Maquis?
Torres: Probably Janeway.
Chell: A Quarter of the Crew is Maquis!
Torres: …err, What?
Chell: Maybe they ordered Janeway tp cap all our sorry asses!
[They step up to a turbolift, Seven walks out]
Chell: IT'S HER! I KNOW IT'S HER! SHE'S HATED ME SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN!
Torres: She's only been on the ship for five years.
Chell: RIGHT! But she was a Borg drone!
[Torres kicks Chell in the nuts, and gets into the Turbolift alone. Seven, at the end of the corridor, shakes her head]
[Pan to the breifing room, where Tuvok is speaking to a bottle of Budwiser Beer]
Tuvok: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THE MAQUIS!?
Beer: …
Tuvok: WHY WOULD YA WANNA KILL THE MAQUIS!
Beer: …
[Tuvok Continues yelling at the beer bottle, as Kim walks in. The beer, however, remains silent.]
Tuvok: I'M ONLY GONNA ASK YOU THIS ONE MORE TIME! DID YA TRY AND KILL DA MAQUIS!!!
Beer: …
Tuvok: THAT'S IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT! [Opens the bottle, and chugs it down]
Kim: …
Tuvok: THERE! MUWHAHA! [Throws bottle against the wall, where it shatters]
Tuvok: I ASSIMILATED ITS KNOWLAGE!!!
Kim: …
Tuvok: HARRY! WHATS UP, HOMIE!
Kim: You asked for me to come here.
Tuvok: You got a letter from ya pimp!
Kim: Yeah, so?
Tuvok: He was slaughtered by the Maquis!
Kim: Yeah, so?
Tuvok: DID YA TRY AND WHACK THE MAQUIS!?
Kim: …Whack?
Tuvok: DID YA!?
[Tuvok attempts to rip open Kim's head and eat his brain. However, the show is only rated 'PG', and Tuvok fails.]
Kim: WAAHHH! [Rushes off]
[Pan to another Corridor, where Chakotay and some Vulcan Broad are hurrying along. They run into Chell, who is limping heavily]
Chakotay: Crewman!
Chell: [High-toned] Yes sir?
Chakotay: Where's your partner?
Chell: C-Cargo bay Two.
Chakotay; Fine, I'll go find her.
[Cargo Bay Two]
[Chakotay hurries inside, and sees—WOOHOO! FINALLY!!!!]
Seven: Do you always walk in when people are dressing?
Chakotay: I always wondered how you got into that tight body suit.
Seven: Wanna help? [Winks]
Chakotay: [Goes to help, then remembers Chell's words] Err, Did B'Elanna come in here?
Seven: Nope. Try the other Cargo bay!
Chakotay: Why don't you just…stay right there for awhile? I'll be back soon.
[Chakotay hurries to Cargo Bay one.]
Chakotay: B'ELANNA! SEVEN IS WAITING FOR ME! WHERE ARE YOU?!
[Silence]
Chakotay: B'Elanna?
[Chakotay wanders to one corner, and finds B'Elanna laying on the floor, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand.]
[Chakotay looks up, and sees Tuvok]
Tuvok: THIS IS A HOLY TIME, MOTHERF---ER!!! [Mind-Melds with Chakotay]
Chakotay: YAHH! [Tries to shoot Tuvok with a Phaser]
Chakotay: COMPUTER!!!
[A Paser pops from the celing, and shoots Tuvok in the side]
Tuvok: YAHH!
Computer: Terminated.
[Intermission]
[Pan to the Cargo Bay…again…this time, it's daylight]
Tuvok: I CAN'T FIND ANYONE THAT COULD BE DOING THIS!!!
Janeway: GO MEDITATE, MOTHERF---ER!!!
Tuvok: Kay. [Wanders off to Meditate]
[Tuvok's Quarters]
[Lights his meditation Lamp, and Meditates]
Crazy Ass Bajorian Dude: THIS IS A F---ING HOLY TIME, VULCAN BASTARD!!!
[Tuvok goes insane, and rushes down to the Holodeck]
[Holodeck Two]
Janeway: Can we filter this? See if there's anyone else behind Tuvok?
Kim: NO! Tuvok is attacking the Maquis with Mind-Melds!
[Tuvok rushes in]
Tuvok: COMPUTER! WHO THE F--- DID THIS?!
Computer: …Err…you did.
Tuvok: [Turns to Janeway, sees the Crazy Ass Bajorian dude. Grabs his phaser] WHO THE HELL ARE YA?!
CABD: RESIST YOUR F---ING DOUBTS!!!
Tuvok: TAKE ME TO THE F---ING BRIG!!!
[Security guards arrive and haul Tuvok's sorry ass off to the Brig]
[The Brig]
[Janeway arrives]
Doctor: He wants to talk to you, but stay outside the Forcefeild…it smells like Dope in here!
Janeway: WHAT THE HELL YA BEEN DOIN!?
Tuvok: PUTTIN PEEPS INTO COMAS WITH MIND-MELDS!!
Janeway: WHY!
Tuvok: CAUSE SOME WEIRD-ASS BAJORIAN IS TELLING ME TO DO IN A LETTER I GOT FROM MY BOY!!!!
Janeway: Right! [Hurries off]
[Sickbay]
Chakotay: How long?
Paris: Thirty hours. B'Elanna woke up about three hours before you did.
[Chakotay looks at Torres]
Chakotay: Then why does she look like she is exhasted?
Paris: [Blushes]
Chakotay: SICK, PARIS!
Janeway: GET YO LAZY ASS UP, CHAKOTAY! WE GOTTA SHOW YOU THIS!!
[Astrometrics]
[Weird looking kid that looks a lot like Tuvok is on the astrometrics Viewscreen.]
Vulcan Kid: I HATED SCHOOL, SO I DROPPED OUT AND JOINED METALLICA!!!
Janeway: Now, get a load of this. [Presses button] Bajorian dude appears, and starts babbling gibberish]
Chakotay: HE'S A FORMER MAQUIS!!
Janeway: We're in the F---ing Delta Q!
Chakotay: HE'S A MIND-CONTROLER!!
Janeway: Sweet, I gotta go.
[Janeway rushes off]
[Brig]
Tuvok: ITS HIM!
Janeway: He's some weird-ass Bajorian dude!
Tuvok: [Freaks out, much too early]
Janeway: …
Tuvok: TUVOK TO CHAKOTAY! THIS IS A HOLY TIME, BITCH!
[Astrometircs]
Chakotay: I UNDERSTAND! [Gets up from the floor and starts getting dressed]
Seven: Chakotay! Come back!
Chakotay: Sorry, Baby, duty calls! [Hurries off, forgetting to put on his pants]
Seven: [Pouts]
[Brig]
Janeway: Janeway to Chakotay!
[Chakotay rushes in, and shoots the Brig officer]
[He grabs Tuvok, and locks Janeway in the Brig]
[Sickbay]
[Chakotay hurries in, and—you know what? I'll just tell you. The Maquis take over Voyager]
[Bridge]
[Comlink Buzzes]
Chakotay: GET YOUR ASS IN THE READY ROOM, TUVOK!
[Tuvok hurries inside]
[Chakotay hands Tuvok a drink]
Chakotay: DRINK!
[Tuvok drinks, fearing for his life]
[Boring stuff ensues]
[Tuvok and Chakotay hurry onto the Bridge]
Chakotay: La la la, runnin the Maquis…la la la…
Torres: Err…what?
[Lets just stop this crap…Chakotay goes back to normal, and Voyager is turned over to the Starfleet peeps again]
[Brig]
[Tvuok and Chakotay come in]
[Tuvok caps the guard standing there, and disengages the Forcefeild]
Chakotay: Thought you might like your ship back!
Janeway: ABOUT DAMN TIME!
[Janeway turns to Tuvok]
Janeway: Are you okay, Tuvok?
Tuvok: [Blank Stare] Hi!
Janeway: uh, hi.
Chakotay: He's doing alright.
[Pan to another random corridor]
Tuvok: La la la, keepin Voyager safe…La la la…
Chakotay: GET YO ASS IN THE HOLODECK!
Tuvok: [Runs to the holodeck, when he passes through the doors, he sees everyone but the Captain shot and killed.
Computer: Terminated.
Janeway: Over here, Tuvok!
Tuvok: What the hell are we watching?
Janeway: Err…I don't know.
Tuvok: …
Janeway: When we were in the ready room…and Chakotay gave you that phaser…how did you know it wasn't charged?
Tuvok: I didn't…I just wanted to see what it would do to you!
Janeway: AWK!!!
[Fade to black]
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YAY! WE'VE DESTROYED ANOTHER EPISODE! And it made NO SENSE whatsoever! Yay!!!
Anyways.