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Crying. Hysterical crying. He lay back on the bed and covered his eyes as the hysterical sobbing continued. He'd held it together all night and now he was finally alone he could show the emotion he wanted to. He was alone in the apartment. He didn't care if people knew anyway. He'd waited long enough. It was over now. It was never going to happen. He could forget it.
Except he couldn't, because here he was lay on his bed, still fully clothed, crying his eyes out. He reached across to his bedside table to grab a tissue. He blew his nose hard and chucked the used tissue across the room. He was used to being so meticulous about tidying but he couldn't even be bothered tonight. He threw himself back on the bed and put his hands over his face. He wasn't sobbing anymore he was just lying there with his hands over his wet face.
He was a smart man and he should have known what was coming. If he'd thought about it he knew it was going to work out this time. Just because it hadn't worked out for them before, it didn't mean it wasn't going to happen this time. He wasn't expecting an engagement so soon though, especially after what had happened last time Penny had proposed. He'd been sympathetic, he knew how Leonard must feel, rejected by someone so special, so beautiful, so different.
He didn't know how long he lay there, mulling his evening over. He didn't know how long he spent debating what he wanted to do with his life. All he knew was that the sunshine slowly started to creep through his curtains and the room was bathed in a low glow. He waited. His alarm clock slowly started to beep. Rolling over he flicked it off.
Sheldon couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed, he didn't want to go to the job he had once loved so much. He didn't care for string theory any more, he was wasting his life. He remembered how much she had helped him when he couldn't decide what he wanted to do, how she had helped him with his new look. He'd enjoyed being touched by her that day, it had made him feel... happy.
He rubbed his eyes. He could hear movement in the apartment. Leonard must have come back to get something. He didn't want him to know about his internal turbulence. He didn't want to talk about it with anyone. He climbed out of bed and half staggered to the shower. It hadn't hit him how exhausted he was until he actually tried to walk to his bathroom. He didn't see Leonard on the way. He was glad, he knew he looked a mess and he knew Leonard would know he had been crying.
The journey to work was quiet. Leonard seemed to be waiting for him to bring up the engagement, but he was damned if he was going to do that. Sheldon suddenly gasped and let out a long groan.
"You okay, buddy?" Leonard looked at him in concern.
"I'm fine, what would possibly make you think I'm not?"
"Sarcasm?" Leonard frowned. Sheldon half smirked pleased with himself.
He wasn't just upset now, he was angry too, he was furious. He'd left the guys in the cafeteria, and decided he was going to take the bus home. He didn't have his bus pants with him, but to hell with germs right now. What difference would getting sick make to him anyway now?
He stormed through his apartment door. Why wouldn't the university let him change discipline? He was valuable to them whatever he did. He was a genius. What difference did it make what research he carried out? He grimaced and walked to his room throwing himself face down on the bed. He heard his phone buzzing and he reached over.
Amy was wondering where he was. He hadn't text her back last night and he hadn't replied to her all day. Fourteen missed calls and nine unread messages. Why was she so desperate to talk to him? He didn't understand the desperation to constantly make contact. If something happened to him, the university or Leonard or someone would let her know. She didn't need to send these incessant messages. He unlocked his phone and text her.
I'm fine. I'm busy at the moment. If it's not important I don't want to talk.
He watched the message send before resting the phone on his chest. He watched his chest rise and fall for a few minutes.
What's wrong, Sheldon? I know you better than this. Would you like me to come over?
He irritably text her back.
I'm fine and I'm at work.
The phone buzzed again. "Good lord," he muttered out loud.
I know you're not at work. Leonard called to tell me you went home because you were upset about the university not letting you leave string theory.
He ignored the message. He felt his eyelids getting heavy and he realised he hadn't slept in nearly twenty four hours. He was woken by his phone vibrating incessantly again his chest. Amy Farrah Fowler. He pressed ignore.
I need to be on my own.
He closed his laptop lid. Talking to Beverly had made him feel a bit better. She had given him a lot to think about. Did he even have to stay at the university he was at? Plenty of other universities would be willing to hire him. He'd spoken about Leonard and Penny's engagement, but she had seemed disinterested and he didn't want to press the topic anyway.
He rested his head on the cold desk, feeling the cool surface on his warm cheek and feeling relaxed. He could feel his eyelids drooping again but quickly stretched to stand up not wanting to hurt his back by sleeping on the desk. He walked to the kitchen and set about making himself a cup of tea. He was startled by hearing his front door open. Assuming it would be Amy coming to check up on him he carried on making his tea.
"Oh hey, Sheldon, how you doing?"
He felt his heart leap and he spun round meeting his attractive blond neighbours eyes.
"Hello, Penny. I'm well thank you," he half smiled.
She moved over to the kitchen and leant on the counter and met his eyes. He stood there looking confused.
"You were quiet last night sweetie," she flicked her eyes over his face looking concerned.
"I'm just angry about not being able to change disciplines, I'm fine though," he nodded, more to convince himself than Penny. "In fact, I'm going to write to the board of directors now."
He brushed past the countertop and moved to his desk, cup of tea in hand.
"Did you want anything?" he indicted the fridge, knowing Penny had really come round to raid his food.
"Oh thanks sweetie, I was just going to grab some milk," she took the milk from the fridge and walked towards the door. "You know where I am if you need me."
He nodded curtly and turned back to his letter writing. He did need her, but he doubted she was willing to give him what he wanted.
If he was angry about the university refusing his request to change subjects, he was angrier still now. Leonard wanted him to move out. Amy wanted him to move in. He'd had enough. He needed to get away. He needed to leave Pasadena and all the hurt and confusion. He stared blankly at the train track in front of him. The bench underneath him was cold and uncomfortable, but he didn't care. He was ready to leave now.
He heard voices behind him and saw Penny and Leonard approaching.
"You tracked my phone?" he asked.
Leonard was talking to him, trying to convince him to stay. He wasn't interested. He wasn't staying. He'd made up his mind and Leonard wasn't going to change it. Penny took him to one side and spoke to him. Leonard was convinced he wouldn't be okay. They were talking about Freaky Friday now and suddenly he wasn't a grown man.
Sheldon sat there watching, his eyes glazed over. Leonard turned to him.
"If you need to take this trip Sheldon, I'm not going to stop you."
"I do," Sheldon said defiantly.
Penny came round behind him and wrapped her arm round his shoulder before gently kissing his cheek. He didn't even flinch at the contact.
"Be safe and call us," she whispered. She rubbed the lipstick off his face gently.
"Sheldon, I'm going to miss you," Leonard said seriously.
"Of course you are," he said simply.
"You just made that easier," Leonard muttered. He turned and then they walked away. Then they were gone. He was alone.
So it was only the second time she had ever kissed him. It felt good, even if it wasn't on his lips. He glanced down and could see his bulge in his pants. He adjusted his hands in his lap trying to ignore it. What was wrong with him?