Disclaimer - I, alack, possess no wheres near the genious of Douglas Adams or the creators of Stargate. Therefore, I do not possess the rights, intellectual or otherwise, to either Stargate or The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Characters taken from these two works are not my own, but they sureare fun to write.
A note - This is a crossover with Douglas Adam's The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Which is the best book ever, and you should read it if you have not). If you haven't read it, and don't mind suffering through the first three chapters, I do some explaining of the characters and their current situation in the fourth chapter (The first three are all really brief). The story begins towards the end of the Season Four episode "Tangent", and then appropriately goes off on a tangent from there. A summary of the episode up to the point from which I take off is in italic below.
Summary - The Air Force was testing it's latest new toy, a hybrid of Goa'uld technologies and "Good-old fashioned American know-how". In a test to see it's capabilities of destroying Goa'uld mother-ships, it all goes wrong. A new device in death-gliders, courtesy of Apophis, detects that the ship is being piloted by a traitor. It response, it takes control of the vessel from Jack and Teal'c, and it flies into space and beyond the reach of help from Earth. When Jack and Teal'c's oxygen had almost expired, Sam and her Tok'ra father arrived in his ship to save their hides. The only solution was for Jack and Teal'c to breathe the last of their air, and jettison themselves from the craft into cold dark space. The transport rings would grab them once they were in empty space and bring them aboard. Thus the story begins...
Jack was delirious as he floated away from the ship that he thought was going to be his tomb. He was cold, so very cold, and he just wanted to close his eyes and rest. Teal'c was also drifting helplessly, but he had trust in Major Carter. He hoped to live to fight yet many more battles against Apophis and his kin.
"Activate the rings, they're dying out there!" Carter shouted at her father as he sat idle at the controls. She knew Jack's life was slipping away out there.
"They're not far away enough for their ship yet, dammit!" Her father replied angrily. "They need to be at least five metres from it!" The tension in the ship was furious, Sam was ready to throttle her father and seize the controls. "Now!" He cried as his hand hovering over the controls smashed down and activated the rings.
But then the improbable happened...
The infinitely improbable.
Popping out of nowhere a large sleek silver ship emerged from the nether, pushing the other two craft aside. "The hell?" Sam's father cried as he saw the shower of pink carnations that had appeared with the other ship. He could no longer see the cast away members of SG-1 or their malicious craft, for the new arrival was far larger than either and had appeared right where they were.
Daniel had absolutely no idea what was going on, or how many laws of physics had just been broken. Sam was fastest in reacting to the strange situation, and hailed the ship in front of them. "This is Major Carter aboard the Tok'ra vessel, to whom are we speaking?" The air in the room lingered as she awaited a response. The silence was broken as they heard voices over the comm.
"Zaphod, get away from that thing, we should just get out of here!"
"Hey now kitten, just calm down. Is this thing on?" A display of the three very confused people on the Tok'ra ship appeared before him. "Whoa now! Hey there you sexy thing," He said in reference to Major Carter, "This is Zaphod Beeblebrox, newly re-elected President of the Galaxy and most happening party animal this side of the end of the universe, hows about you and me spend a little quality time together?" He finished.
Sam, also seeing him on a display was more than shocked. She handled the appearance of an unknown ship well, but being hit on by a man with two heads was a little much for her. As she continued to be silent Zaphod gave her a charming wink from each head.
Sam, Daniel and Jacob were very, very confused. They did not know that when the Heart Of Gold showed up, the improbable was very, very probable. The situation would soon unfold in ways more bizarre than any of them were prepared for...