Dan and Phil had been together for more than 10 years when they finally, after many sleepless nights, chose to take a step further.
That's how they ended up in the special clinic, sitting in line, ready to sign up for a baby.
Dan couldn't sit still, his fingers trying to rip the hole in his jeans even bigger.
- Dan, stop fidgeting with the rips, you're going to end up with no jeans, - Phil whispered, taking Dan's hand away from his leg and lacing their fingers together instead.
- I'm just nervous, what if they say no to us? What if it just doesn't work out? - Dan pulled Phil's hand into his lap.
Phil shuffled a little closer to Dan, their shoulders brushing as he smiled warmly. - But what if they say yes? It's going to be amazing, I know it! -
- It better be, for the money we are gonna pay them, - Dan murmured, starting to play with the soft gold ring on Phil's finger.
- It'll be worth it, don't worry, - Phil assured him, both of them slipping into a comfortable silence until it was time for their appointment, at which point Phil got up fist, holding his hand out for Dan.
Dan took Phil's hand, not saying anything, following the doctor to the office, both of them sitting down and talking out all stuff needed for a surrogate pregnancy to work out.
It might have been complicated, but between them, they managed to understand different parts, eventually agreeing on the details with no serious problems.
The time after surgery was really stressful, Dan wasn't able to sleep almost at all, but one morning, just a bit more than a week after, Dan ran into the room crying, still holding his phone squeezed in one hand.
It didn't take Phil long to realise Dan was there, getting up from the sofa and moving to him immediately, concerned. - Hey, baby, what's wrong? - Phil asked softly, already wiping some of Dan's tears away.
- Call… Got call… - Dan was trying to get words out, gripping Phil's upper arms. - Doctor called… We… we… -
Phil gently took the phone from Dan, putting it down and staring into his eyes, trying to get his full attention for a second. - Dan, hey, breathe first, come on, then you can tell me… -
Dan got lost in Phil's eyes for a moment, calming down right away.
- The doctor called… We have a baby… The surgery worked. Baby is growing, - Dan breathed out, still looking deeply into Phil's eyes.
Within a second, a huge smile spread on Phil's face and he didn't wait before pulling Dan into a hug, holding him tightly, tears of happiness prickling in his eyes. - It worked! - he exclaimed, the words muffled by their embrace.
- It fucking worked! - Dan screamed with happiness, pulling Phil into a kiss.
It was a weird kiss, filled with tears and smiles that made it hard to keep their lips together, but it was still beautiful, both of them eventually pulling back with matching shines in their eyes.
The couldn't calm down for the whole day. After a couple of weeks, they got to see their growing baby for the first time, both feeling happiness radiating from them. After that, each month they couldn't wait until the day when they would be able to see their baby.
One evening after happiness-filled love making, Dan turned to look at Phil, his expression seeming deep and like he was trying to work something out.
Phil just tilted his head to one side, lifting one hand to run his fingers through Dan's curls. - What is it? What are you thinking about? - he asked quietly, a knowing smile on his face.
- I know that it's not the right moment to think about it but I just couldn't stop myself. Our baby is already in the eighth month but we haven't told anyone about it… - Dan leaned into Phil's fingers running through his sweaty curls.
- I wanted to wait until we were both ready to tell people. Who would you want to tell first? - Phil didn't seem too shocked, they'd both been thinking about the future a lot recently.
- I think, maybe, our parents…? It feels weird to talk about them while we are lying naked in our bed right after having sex. - Dan groaned, running his own hand through his hair, pulling them in frustration.
Before he could actually pull his hair out, Phil took Dan's hands and softly kissed his fingers. - Well, it's not like they're going to know we were talking about them right now, is it? - he asked, chuckling slightly. - Unless you want to tell them that too? -
- Oh my, Phil! - Dan couldn't help but chuckle too, turning over and sitting up right over Phil's thighs, letting his hands rest on his chest, getting serious all of sudden again. - Please tell me that we were right by doing this. -
- Of course we were right to do this, - Phil replied instantly, looking up at Dan with honestly in his eyes, - Why would you think otherwise? This is going to be something wonderful. -
- Okay… Yeah… - Dan leaned down, pulling Phil into a kiss. - Let's call them right now. -
Phil giggled. - What, while we're kissing, naked? Are you sure? - he asked, raising an eyebrow.
- Later I won't have the guts to do it, so yes, right now. - Dan accidently pushed their hips together.
Phil cursed softly, his grip on Dan tightening slightly before he recovered. - Okay, but we can't be lying on top of each other or else I won't be able to speak at all… -
An knowing evil smirk spread over Dan's lips.
Phil shook his head without missing a beat. - Nope, we both need to talk or else it's suspicious, - he protested.
- Okay, okay. - Dan laughed, rolling down to lie next to Phil, taking Phil's phone and unlocking it. - PHIL! -
This time, Phil was genuinely confused for a second. - What did I do now? -
- You can't keep my nude as your homescreen! - Dan tried to sound strict but a chuckle escaped him.
Shrugging, Phil said: - You have that stupid photo of me from literally ten years ago as yours so I don't see why I can't keep that, and it's not like anyone uses my phone! -
- But what if you lose interest in me, seeing me naked all day, everyday? - Dan asked, this time serious.
Phil cupped Dan's face and kissed his nose, shaking his head. - That won't happen, not while I'm still alive. In fact, I'll come back as a ghost to see your body if I die, so don't worry about it, - he whispered, but it was loud enough for anyone to know he was being completely sincere.
- I love you. - Dan smiled, pecking Phil's lips before dialing his parents on a facetime call, not caring that it was literally 2 at night.
- I love you, but we can't literally look like we just had sex, - Phil muttered, grabbing their shirts from the side and draping them over their shoulders while the phone rang.
Dan just laughed, letting Phil put their shirts on, pecking his lips before turning back to the phone.
Dan's parents picked up on the very last ring, when both of them had been starting to doubt whether or not this would work. Thankfully, they were met with very sleepy but still caring smiles.
- Hiya! Did we wake you up? Phil has something very imortant to tell you, - Dan said quickly, pushing the phone into Phil's hand.
Phil glared at him but then smiled at Dan's parents. - Well, it's more like a shared announcement, really. Are you guys ready? - he asked, not really knowing what exactly to say but figuring it shouldn't matter as long they got the meaning.
Dan's parents weren't too surprised, ready for anything because you can never know what to expect from Dan and Phil, just like with their wedding, they simply announced it one day that they were married and only when someone asked if there were gold ring on their fingers.
Phil took Dan's hand, lacing their fingers together to give him a bit of confidence. - So, we were thinking about our future and where we'd go from here so we decided to add another member to our family…. - he looked to Dan, the rest of the words fading from his tongue.
- We are having a baby… - Dan murmured, getting lost in Phil's eyes.
They almost forgot they were on a facetime call, not saying anything in response to Dan's parents until they realised there was silence on the other end, as if they'd given up trying to pull Dan and Phil away from each other's gaze.
Dan looked over to the phone, to see if parents were still there.
They were, but it was like they could sense what the two of them were thinking, Dan's mum grinning at them with happy, tearful eyes and whispering a soft 'goodnight' as if saying goodbye.
- We can call you tomorrow to tell you more. Good night! - Dan blew a kiss to the camera before ending the call, dialing Phil's parents right away.
This time, when the call connected, Phil smiled at them and blurted: - Hi! Uh, Dan has something really important to tell you and it couldn't wait! -
- We are having a baby! - Dan couldn't help but grin.
Phil's mum more or less shrieked with excitement, making both Dan and Phil smile with relief, but she didn't really let them say anything, asking questions they could barely decipher.
They tried to answer them all but soon lost track of them, agreeing to discuss them all tomorrow on a joined skype call with Dan's parents so they wouldn't need to repeat the same stuff twice.
They hung up soon after that, not wanting to keep Phil's parents up for too long, switching the phone off and smiling gleefully at each other, Phil planting a kiss on Dan's cheek. - Now we've told them, are you happy? -
- O yes! Just one thing, you have way too many clothes on! - Dan smirked, rolling on top of Phil, ending their night with lots of giggles and pleasure.
But happiness shares soon ended with new worry waves coming and coming.
One particular day, after another sleepless night and new arguments, Dan came into the room to see Phil in between their surrogate's legs, his hands over the big baby bump, one closer to her hip, him looking up into her eyes. Sudden anger and jealousy lit up through Dan's body, he tried to push it down but he had never been good with jealousy and, for the last couple of days, stress had done its thing, making him slam his keys on the table with a loud bang.
Both Phil and the surrogate jumped, looking up at Dan with confusion on their faces. But Phil seemed to sense something was off, moving away from the baby bump, standing up, and holding a hand out for Dan with a hopeful shine in his eyes. - Do you want to feel our baby? - he asked softly.
Dan didn't answer, gritting his teeth, clenching his hands into fists once again.
Phil sighed softly, closing his eyes for a second. - Okay, how about I go make us all some tea and you can- you can talk for now? Is that okay? -
Dan just turned around, walking into the kitchen, not wanting the baby in the baby bump hear him explode in jealous, burning anger.
Phil mumbled something to the surrogate, whose name he'd forgotten right now, and quickly followed Dan, concern filling his heart as he watched him methodically grab cups and fill the kettle.
When Phil walked in and stopped behind Dan, Dan didn't turn. Letting his hands clench into fists yet again.
- Dan? Come on, what is it? You've never refused anything to do with the baby before… - Phil trailed off, waiting to see what Dan would do.
With that Dan turned around and with one swift motion, pushed Phil against the wall, pinning him there with his body, his eyes burning with jealousy.
- Do you want her now? - Dan growled under his breath.
Phil blinked, taking a minute to understand what Dan meant. When realisation dawned on him, he raised an eyebrow. - I literally married you, why on earth would I want someone else now? -
- You tell me! - Dan growled, his voice still not louder than a whisper, tightening his grip on Phil's wrists above their heads.
Phil winced slightly. - Why would you think I do? I love you! -
- You were between her fucking legs, your hand was on her hip and your face was almost pushed in her tits. - Dan ended saying the lasts words with something that sounded full of venom.
Phil scowled, shaking his head. - Really? I was clearly just feeling for our baby, not her body! It's not my fault female anatomy works like that! I swear I would never love anyone else, and you know that! - he muttered, but his voice raised near the end, he couldn't help it.
- You haven't touched me at all in more than a week but you don't skip a beat to touch her! - Dan growled, jealousy now mixing together with pain.
Phil almost wanted to just wrap Dan in a loving hug but, since he couldn't, he just sighed. - I'm sorry, we've just been stressed and I didn't want to push you into anything… And she asked me! It's not like I could just turn away the one carrying our child… -
- You are MY fucking boyfriend! Not hers! - Dan almost screamed, slamming Phil's hands against the wall once again, his eyes starting to water.
His wrists now aching, Phil finally wriggled himself out of Dan's grip, his expression softening. - I know that, - he said quietly, - and so does she. Trust me, there is nothing between us! I promise. -
- I just… I… - Dan stumbled over his own words, taking a step back from Phil.
But Phil wasn't going to let him go that easily so he took a step forwards too. - What? I can't prove anything if you don't tell me anything, - he said, his voice wobbling at the thought of Dan leaving so quickly.
- Kiss me please… - Dan breathed out, not really looking at Phil.
Phil took another step forwards but didn't move any further than that, staring at Dan. - Are you sure that's what you want? -
- Please… - Dan mumbled, still keeping his eyes down.
Taking a deep, hopeful breath, Phil moved to pull Dan into a gentle kiss, one of his arms around Dan's waist to steady them and the other carefully cupping Dan's face.
But before their lips could actually meet, a painful scream cut through the air, making them both jump apart and run to the living room to see the surrogate standing in a pool of water, holding the baby bump.
Dan reacted right away, standing next to her and helping her to stand, looking up at a frozen and shocked Phil.
- Baby bag, Phil. Move! We need to get to the hospital! - Dan said in a strict but somehow soft tone to get Phil out of his daze because they hadn't expected the baby right now, there should have been a whole week ahead.
Dan's tone snapped Phil back into the present and he quickly ran to get the bag, then helping Dan support the surrogate to the door, opening it for them.
They got to the hospital fast, their doctor already waiting for them and taking the surrogate to the room, leaving Dan and Phil to wait outside till the baby would be born.
Forgetting their argument, Phil grabbed Dan's hand and squeezed tightly, already thinking about everything that could go wrong and make things complicated.
- Did I cause it to start unexpectedly…? - Dan breathed out, his voice filled with guilt.
Phil shook his head. - I don't think that's likely. Babies can just be born early sometimes, can't they? - he asked, making his voice a little steadier to reassure Dan that nothing was his fault.
- I'm sorry… - Dan let his voice break.
Putting an arm around Dan's shoulders, Phil smiled warmly. - No, don't say that, you haven't done anything, - he whispered kindly, - It's fine, this is going to be okay. -
Dan just nodded, slidding his hand out of Phil's, looking down at his hands.
- Hey, don't tell me you're gonna lost faith in our baby before they're born, - Phil half-joked, still too tense himself to properly laugh.
- I am not. - Dan rushed to answer, then taking a deep breath. - Have you ever thought about actually being with a girl with who you would be able to have a family? -
Phil paused for a second, then answered: - Unless you count that girl back when I was five years old, not really. I didn't think about starting a family with anyone until I met you, to be honest. -
- Even now when you got to see how it is to have a baby growing inside the womb? - Dan asked, his voice getting more and more quiet.
- Especially now that I've seen that, - Phil said firmly, - I wouldn't ever want to experience this whole thing with anyone else. -
Dan slowly looked up at Phil, his eyes full of tears.
Phil's eyes widened and he muttered a curse under his breath. - Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry! -
- Can you please finally kiss me? - Dan mumbled.
But before Phil could move any closer to Dan or even touch him, the hospital room door opened and the nurse come out with a small bundle of blankets in her arms, smiling and stepping closer to Dan and Phil.
Dan stood up right away, forgetting about needing a kiss, being in complete awe of the small bundle in nurse arms.
- Congratulations! It's a girl. - The nurse said with a big smile, giving the small baby to Dan.
Dan held the baby tight in his arms, looking down at the small baby face, then looking up at Phil.
- Our baby is here… - He mumbled, looking back down to the little living soul resting in his arms, her eyelids trembling and opening to reveal big, piercing blue eyes.
Phil only nodded at first, scared that even a strong breath could hurt her, taking a minute to gently reach out and take one of her tiny hands, her fingers curling around his little finger.
- She really is here, - Phil murmured after a moment, glancing at Dan with both relief and excitement.
- Yes, our baby. - Dan smiled, letting the nurse take the baby to all the needed checkups.
Even when she'd been taken away again, neither Dan nor Phil could focus much for a while, simply amazed that they had an actual baby now.
A minute or two later, Phil turned to Dan, small tears in his eyes. - Thank you, - he murmured, his voice thick.
- I didn't do anything more than you. And actually it seems that yours won. - Dan shrugged, wiping away the escaping tear from Phil's eye.
Phil's eyes closed for a second at Dan's touch but then he tilted his head in confusion. - My what won? -
- She has your eyes, - Dan laughed, - so that means that your sperm won. -
- Aren't all babies born with blue eyes though? You never know… - Phil was smiling again now, stepping a little closer to Dan.
- Not with such piercing blue ones. - Dan started to get lost in Phil's eyes right when the nurse called them, leading them to the new private hospital room.
- Which one will stay here with the baby? - The nurse asked, turning to face them both.
- Me. Daniel Howell, - Dan answered right away, walking to the little crib thing where their baby was sleeping.
- Okay, I will get your wristband ready. - She smiled, walking away.
- She's too small, - Phil said once she'd left, standing beside the crib, his gaze travelling over her soft hands to her rosy cheeks and settling on her bright eyes.
It took him a long while to make himself look back up at Dan but he cleared his throat when he did. - Do you want me to get you clothes or something? -
- No, I already put them into the baby bag. We'll gonna be alright. - Dan was completly lost by looking at their smol baby.
In that moment, Phil couldn't tell who he wanted to look at, both the baby and Dan looked so precious and adorable to him. - Okay, - he mumbled slowly, looking back at the small baby that was actually somehow theirs.
In that moment everything seemed perfect, they had stepped further in their lives together, but after that everything started to go downhill.
After a week, when they had returned home, they didn't really have time to sleep together or even spend time together, one of them always staying with their baby, more and more arguments coming up, soon not even being able to talk normally without arguing. All the pressure being simply too much for both of them.
It hadn't taken them long to get all the paperwork and things sorted, settling everything with their surrogate and choosing, after days of debating, the name 'Cassiel' for their daughter.
- Dan? - Phil called, almost calling him Cassiel because he'd been thinking about everything, - Where are you? -
- Don't shout, she just fell asleep but now you woke her up. - Dan groaned, coming out of his old room with the baby in his arms, sucking on his finger.
Phil sighed, staring at her. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake her up, - he said, quieter now, then looked back to Dan. - Do you want me to put her back to sleep? -
- No, I can do it myself. What did you want? - Dan didn't even look at Phil, paying all his attention to the baby in his arms.
- Nothing urgent, - Phil replied, frowning a little at the way Dan was stood, as if he was exhausted already.
- Then why did you call? - Dan looked up at Phil, looking a bit annoyed.
Phil's reason for calling Dan seemed silly now so he just shook his head. - I don't know, guess I wasn't thinking. We should probably get her to bed, though, - he said, taking his gaze away from Dan.
- Then think before you fucking call and wake her up! - Dan growled, turning around and walking into the room that was now Cassiel's room.
Phil watched him walk back into the room, not sure if he should feel bad or feel annoyed. He settled on neither, not caring that it was pretty late and going to the kitchen to find something to eat, something that he could make without causing any more noise.
That night Dan end up sleeping in Cassiel's room yet again, having her pressed against him into his old bed.
Phil had gone to check on them after a while but he'd seen Dan and Cassiel both asleep and, not wanting to disturb them by joining them, he'd gone back to his old room, sleeping there instead.
The same thing continued for months, one of them always sleeping in Cassiel's room. Never sleeping together. Not sharing a kiss between them, the only kisses shared were the ones given to their baby girl.
The night that seemed like just every other in the past months, ended up being different. Phil had gone to sleep hours ago, leaving Dan to watch over the baby through the night. But Dan had a problem, he was stressed out and Cassiel didn't stop crying, no matter what Dan tried, she was exhausted and crying, clinging to Dan, making Dan cry too.
After hours of them both crying, Dan couldn't do that anymore, walking out of the room and straight to the master bedroom where Phil was sleeping. He simply slid into bed, pressing close to Phil, letting Cassiel rest between them. And call it a miracle or not but Cassiel calmed down right away, starting to suck Phil's finger just like she always did with Dan's.
Phil frowned in his sleep but quickly blinked himself awake, not having expected Dan to appear, never mind Cassiel. Thankfully, he managed to keep his shock silent, simply holding Cassiel tightly so she would maybe fall asleep, then glancing up at Dan.
Even in the dark, he could tell Dan had been crying, his eyes puffy and tears on his face. Phil used his free hand to brush a tear away and whispered: - How can I help? -
- Just take care of her… - Dan breathed out, his voice breaking yet again, in one swift motion getting out of bed and walking out of the room.
He knew it was pointless to try and call Dan back so he just nodded to himself, sitting up and soothingly rocking Cassiel, humming gently to make her fall asleep faster. It didn't take too long, she seemed tired out already, so once her eyes were closed and her breathing was even, Phil carefully placed her on the mattress and arranged the pillows securely around her, then going to find Dan.
Dan was sitting in the bathroom, inside the shower, letting cold water run over him, hugging his knees and shivering, not knowing if from the cold water or something else.
Before anything else, Phil turned the water setting to warm, knowing it was a bad idea to drag Dan out of the shower if he was freezing. Then he just slid down beside Dan, not touching him yet, but sitting so close their arms were pressed together.
- Why are you in here? - he asked softly.
- I am a bad father and even worse husband… - Dan mumbled, letting his fingers pull his own hair, new tears coming out.
- What? - was all Phil could manage at first, surprised. - You could never be those things, why would you even think that? - Now he did move, pulling Dan's hands away from his hair, holding his fingers tightly instead.
- Look at me! I ruined our marriage and now I can't even calm her down! - Dan broke down, hitting his head against his knees, letting out a choked sound.
- Nothing can ruin our marriage, especially not you, - Phil said firmly, then sighed softly and wrapped an arm around Dan's shoulders, shuffling closer. - You've been calming her down for months, it's okay to have one day where you couldn't… -
- I ruined it all… I ruined it… - Dan couldn't stop mumbling, continuing to hit his head against his knees.
- Dan, baby, stop… - Phil soon trailed off, giving up on trying to verbally convince Dan, simply taking Dan's face in his hands and gently kissing him, stopping the words from leaving his mouth.
Dan's eyes widened in shock but not even a second later, he simply melted away in the kiss, not controlling his hands already pulling Phil closer, wanting, needing him closer.
When they pulled back to take a breath, Phil only gave Dan enough time to recover before pressing their lips together again, having missed the feeling, one of his hands curling around Dan's head, keeping him close, trying to tell him how much he loved him with the kiss.
Dan couldn't stop his hands wandering over Phil's body, gripping him closer, answering every movement of Phil's lips.
Of course, they eventually ran out of breath, having to part a little, Phil staying as close to Dan as possible, their foreheads resting together, both of them just noticing the warm water falling over them.
- I want you… I need you… - Dan breathed out, letting his lips already slide down to kissing Phil's neck.
Phil, not being used to that touch anymore, jumped slightly, overbalancing and causing the two of them to topple over, Dan landing on top of Phil, Phil awkwardly leaning on the two corners of their shower.
He still laughed, kissing Dan's forehead. - Sorry, - he mumbled breathlessly.
- Sorry… I… I shouldn't have… Sorry… - Dan pushed himself off Phil.
Not that Phil let him go very far, grabbing his arm. - Wait, please don't go, this is the first time we've been together for a while… -
Dan simply stared at Phil for a moment, before letting in, sighing.
- I'm sorry for that too… - Dan mumbled, looking down, letting his eyes travel over Phil's now fully wet boxers, gulping slightly.
- That's partly my fault too, - Phil replied, reaching up and turning the water off with his free hand, not letting go of Dan, - so don't even think about blaming yourself. -
- I just was too stressed all the time… kinda pushing you away and thinking that you don't want me anymore… - Dan looked away.
Phil shook his head. - I want you more than anything, Dan, - he said honestly, squeezing his hand softly.
Dan looked over at Phil, hope in his eyes, before leaning in, pulling Phil into a deep kiss.
And, this time, he was more ready for it, shifting a little so he was steady and could put both arms around Dan, loving the feeling of being able to hold him close, his eyes closing as they kiss.
Dan half whined, half moaned into the kiss, gripping one hand into Phil's hair, the other around his waist.
- We should really do this more often, - Phil breathed as they took a break to breathe, a proper smile on his face for the first time in a while.
- Yes, please… - Dan breathed out, fully lost in Phil's touch, still keeping his eyes closed, shivering a bit at the air touching his wet body.
Phil frowned at that, pulling him closer again. - Do you want to get out of the bathroom though? -
Dan was silent for a moment before sighing, slowly letting go of Phil and standing up, getting out of the shower without glancing at Phil.
- Sorry for waking you up. - Dan mumbled, pulling a towel around himself, standing with his back facing the shower and Phil.
Phil stood up too, but he just walked around so he was in front of Dan, concern on his face. - Hey, what happened in just a few seconds? - he asked, cupping Dan's face with one hand.
- Sorry for waking you up, I just couldn't calm her down. - Dan mumbled, not looking at Phil, still slightly shivering.
- That's okay, we have to work together with her anyway, - Phil said softly, then grabbed another towel and carefully placed it on Dan's head, starting to dry his hair.
- Why are you so kind to me? I fucked up, you should hate me now. - Dan kept his eyes closed, his grip tight against the towel he held around himself.
Phil's hands froze. - Never, - he murmured, but his voice was fierce, - It doesn't matter what happens, I love you too much to hate you for anything. -
Dan slowly opened his eyes, looking at Phil, looking all tired and worn out, slowly stepping back, turning his back to Phil once again, slowly taking off his wet shirt.
The towel that had been on Dan's head slipped off, Phil catching it just before it hit the floor. He watched as Dan let the wet shirt fall to the ground, then moved forward and wrapped the towel around him again, this time over his shoulders.
Dan froze for a moment, sucking in a shaky breath.
- Aren't you cold? You should change out of your wet boxers. - Dan breathed out, not turning around to face Phil.
Phil sighed, but didn't move as such, simply let his arms fall to his sides. - You're definitely colder, you're literally shivering, I'm fine… -
Dan didn't answer, slowly talking off his own wet boxers.
- Okay, you're going to freeze if we stay here, - Phil mutters and, without letting Dan say anything, takes his hand and pulls him back to the main bedroom, already rooting in the drawers to find new boxers for Dan.
Dan simply stood there, holding his hands in front of his crotch, looking down at his feet.
When Phil found boxers for Dan, he turned back to Dan, then paused, tilting his head. - Are you okay? -
Dan didn't answer, simply grabbing the boxers from Phil and turning his back to Phil, putting them on.
Folding his arms, Phil frowned again. - What did I do? I'm sorry, but you have to tell me, I can't do anything otherwise.. -
- Nothing, go to sleep, I'll watch over her. - Dan mumbled, moving closer to bed as if ready to pick up the sleeping baby there.
Phil took Dan's hands instead, shaking his head. - No, no, don't do that, she's fine, - he whispered, finally looking at Dan, - and you need a break anyway. -
Dan just nodded, letting his hands fall to his side, turning around to walk out of the room.
- I'll let you sleep then… - Dan breathed out.
- And where will you go? - Phil asked, stepping around Dan so he was between him and the door.
- I… I don't know… - Dan stumbled over his words.
- Why can't you stay here? - Phil asked gently, - The bed's big enough for both of us… -
- We haven't slept together in months… - Dan slowly looked up at Phil.
Phil smiled slowly. - Isn't that the perfect reason to do so now? -
- Do you even want me to lie next to you? - Dan snapped back.
- Well, yeah, isn't that how sleeping in the bed works? - Phil raised an eyebrow, still smiling.
- We literally haven't slept together or done anything together, not even touched or talked normally and now you want me to spend a night next to you? Why, all of a sudden, do you want that? - Dan asked, Phil could feel how Dan was raising his walls up to protect himself from getting hurt.
- Why wouldn't I? - Phil asked, - I miss doing everything with you, and I won't stop wanting to just because we're a bit stressed. - He paused, sighing heavily. - I'm sorry, I haven't spent enough time with you, but will you please let me try? -
- I thought that you don't love me anymore. - Dan let out without even blinking.
Phil blinked but didn't hesitate to shake his head, stepping a little closer. - No, that's definitely not true, it won't ever be true. I'm sorry I made you think that… -
Dan simply stood there, looking at Phil, slowly letting his walls back down, letting all the hurt and exhaustion show before slowly, painfully slowly, pulling Phil into a hug, resting his whole body against Phil.
Phil didn't say anything, wrapping his arms around Dan and simply holding him, kissing the top of his head, letting his eyes close as they stood there, just simply in each other's arms after so long.
- I want you so bad… - Dan breathed out, pulling Phil into a kiss.
- Want me how? - Phil mumbled when they pulled back, not really knowing what he was saying.
- In all ways possible… - Dan murmured against Phil's lips, pulling him back into yet another kiss, slowly pushing them backwards, back into the bathroom, until they hit the wall behind them.
Raising an eyebrow, Phil asked: - Really? You're going to choose the coldest room we have? -
- I'm not doing it in front of Cassiel or in her room. - Dan snapped back, already missing Phil's lips.
- Fine, fine, - Phil muttered, chuckling, - just kiss me again, then, your lips are warm… -
- If you don't want to do it, we can stop… - Dan said even when he was already leaning closer to Phil's lips again.
Phil sighed, rolled his eyes, and just kissed Dan again, one of his hands softly playing with Dan's still-damp curls.
Dan sighed into the kiss, almost melting inside Phil's arms before pulling back.
- What happened? - Phil asked immediately, breathless.
- We can't do it like this. We haven't had anything in months, you need preparation and all. I don't want to hurt you. - Dan mumbled.
Phil sighed, letting his head rest on Dan's shoulder. - You're right, of course… - he muttered, but didn't move, still keeping his arms around Dan.
- But only if… - Dan leaned closer to Phil's ear. - you haven't already done something yourself… - Dan pulled back smirking, before Phil could answer anything. - Good night, love. -
And without saying anything, Dan simply walked out of the bathroom, slipping in next to the sleeping Cassiel in their bed.
It took Phil a second to realise Dan was gone but then he followed, sliding into the other side since Cassiel was in the middle of the bed, reaching over and taking Dan's hand. - Thank you for staying, - he whispered.
Dan just nudged his whole body a bit closer to Phil's, already asleep.
Phil glanced between Dan and Cassiel, two of the most important people in his life, his family, and, for the first time in too long, drifted into sleep with a content smile.