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Spoilers for Mockingjay !
Mockingjay. Page 231. …
"I must have loved you a lot."
"You did." My voices catches and I pretend to cough.
"And did you love me?" He asked.
I keep my eyes on the tiled floor. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."
"That's not an answer." He tells me.
"Tell him the truth." I hear Haymitch say in my ear. I flicked a glance at the mirror, my expression showing how displeased I am at having to do this in front of an audience. Then my gaze settles off to the side so I wouldn't have to look at Peeta. Even though I'm angry and feeling defensive, I stop to think of what to say.
"For a long time I didn't know how I felt. I was confused. My feelings were wrapped up in the games, in survival, in life or death. My feelings for Gale. What I thought of love and relationships and what it all meant before any of this even started."
I look up at him now. Lying in his hospital bed gazing back at me he is hanging on every word. Feeling shy for maybe the first time in my life I looked at him from under my eyelashes and quietly went on.
"Yes, I loved you. I don't always know what that means, but I did. I still do. When I heard they'd captured you, I was devastated and heartbroken. Then I saw you on TV and I wanted to die I was so worried about you. And now, what they've done to you, this isn't you. If you truly knew what they did to you I don't think you would want to go on, knowing what they've taken. I miss my Peeta. If there is any way to get him back then I'll do whatever it takes. But you aren't him, even if you are wearing his face."
I hear Haymitch growl at my lack of sensitivity with that last sentence. I glare at the mirror before looking back at Peeta. His eyes have taken on a glow that makes my heart ache. It's the sort of like glow they used to hold when he looked at me.
"I believe you. I know I loved you, but it's just a fact, not a feeling. From what the others have told me you're probably right, I was ready to die to keep you alive. I must have loved you a lot." "You did." I say again. He smiles a little at us repeating ourselves.
"You still love me?" He asked, uncertainty creeping into his voice. "Even after I did that?" He asks, his eyes dropping to the bruises around my neck. I touch them self consciously. "Yes, I do love you Peeta, even now." He nods and swallows hard.
"I do remember, every second we were together but some if it's different, like there are two memories and sometimes I can't remember which one is real. I wish I could feel how much I love you." He whispered suddenly looking so sad and alone. "Me too." I say as I turn to leave.
"Wait" he calls to me and I turn back. "Come here, please?" I walked over to the bed and stopped a foot away. "Will you kiss me? Just once?" I glance up at the mirror, asking Haymitch his opinion. "Go ahead sweetheart, I've got my finger on the knockout button."
I step up closer and stare into his eyes for a moment. Tears come to my eyes and my heart aches. I know I have to get out of this room, the sooner the better. I lean closer, gently resting my hand on his cheek before pressing my lips to his.
I linger there, reveling in the feeling of the lips I've missed so much. He responds, kissing me back, his tongue sweeps out against mine and without thinking I open my mouth. His tongue caresses mine and I sigh because despite what they've done to him, the feelings start to flutter in my chest.
After a moment I pull away and let my forehead rest against his. "Oh Peeta." I whisper, aching for him to come back to me. "I wish I could touch you." He murmurs back. "Me too." I say again before pulling away to head to the door.
"Katniss." He says stalling my exit again. "I want to love you." I smile then, feeling hopeful. "Then maybe you will." "Will you come back?" He asks. "Yes, I'll come back." I say then leave the room.
I can't remember when the last time I smiled so much was, but now there was HOPE that my Peeta would come back to me. Someday.