The Loves of Lockhart
Written by Lockhart. Produced by Lockhart. Directed by Lockhart. Starring Lockhart.
IMPORTANT: No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Lockhart and he is allowed to produce, direct, and star in it.
Cast of characters
Lockhart: Played by himself. (the unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous-not to mention terrifically handsome-hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves.
The beautiful heroine (though not as beautiful as Lockhart), played by you.(minor though supporting role)
The beautiful heroine's more beautiful (though not as beautiful as Lockhart rival, in this instance played by Reese Witherspoon.( This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realise just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when he chooses her)
The much less exciting man, played by Brad Pitt(this role is really just that of an extra-a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Lockhart. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Lockhart.
N.B All the characters are in modern wizard costume. Lockhart is wearing fautless, immaculately tailored turquoise robes which set of his eyes, hair, height and colouring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn't really matter what they're wearing, does it?
Act one
Scene:the tastefully and delightfully appointed drawing room of Lockhart's house. The beautiful heroine, the beautiful heroine's-more-beautiful-rival and the much-less-exciting man are all present and seated. (the very appreciative audience are all seated but not visible).There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperatly missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Gilderoy Lockhart enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.
Lockhart:(Looking around)Hello, everybody.Why so glum?Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host?
(the very appreciative audience bursts into wild applause making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes)
Lockhart:(starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs and occasional fainting of the very appreciative audience-showing to the world he is not the egotist he is wrong full reported to be)Well?(once again Lockhart shows why he is regarded as the saviour of the lost art of drawing room conversation)
The beautiful heroine, and the beautiful heroine's less beautiful rival (B.H.L.B.R) (in unison whilst gazing longingly at Lockhart-as one does):Yes, we've missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you.
Lockhart:(Brushing off this blatant but understandable adoration)How about a drink, then? Where is that maid of mine?(spotting beautiful heroine)Get us all a drink, will you, love?
(the beautiful heroine/maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, grateful to be of use to her-and every bodies-hero.)
The Much less exciting man (opens his mouth to say something):Um-(He realises just in time he can never say anything to compete to the witty, intelligent conversation of Lockhart and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man's natural superiority.)
Lockhart: Rather flighty chap, isn't he? (allowing us a glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed it causes much murmuring in the very appreciative audience. At this point, The beautiful heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor The B.H.M.B.R even notices the much-less-exciting man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anything else when Lockhart is in the room.)
Lockhart(Taking a drink and a handful of the delicate, mouth-watering pastries the beautiful heroine whipped up whilst she was fetching the drinks):Hey, these are good. (The very appreciative audience spontaneously burst into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to the beautiful heroine, because it indicates Lockhart knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them and also shows he is not swayed by mere physical beauty. After all, the B.H.M.B.R is better-looking but Lockhart never said anything to her.)
Lockhart:(Playing to the audience):Yes. (nods, causing himself to look even ore thoughtful and handsome)very good indeed. (The very appreciative audience erupts once more and the B.H.M.B.R dashes off to the kitchen in an attempt to gain Lockhart's attention)
Lockhart(To the beautiful heroine, demonstrating his awesome powers of observation):It looks like we're alone.
CURTAIN. (the very appreciative audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing observation to the genius responsible for the play)
Written by Lockhart. Produced by Lockhart. Directed by Lockhart. Starring Lockhart.
IMPORTANT: No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Lockhart and he is allowed to produce, direct, and star in it.
Cast of characters
Lockhart: Played by himself. (the unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous-not to mention terrifically handsome-hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves.
The beautiful heroine (though not as beautiful as Lockhart), played by you.(minor though supporting role)
The beautiful heroine's more beautiful (though not as beautiful as Lockhart rival, in this instance played by Reese Witherspoon.( This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realise just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when he chooses her)
The much less exciting man, played by Brad Pitt(this role is really just that of an extra-a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Lockhart. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Lockhart.
N.B All the characters are in modern wizard costume. Lockhart is wearing fautless, immaculately tailored turquoise robes which set of his eyes, hair, height and colouring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn't really matter what they're wearing, does it?
Act one
Scene:the tastefully and delightfully appointed drawing room of Lockhart's house. The beautiful heroine, the beautiful heroine's-more-beautiful-rival and the much-less-exciting man are all present and seated. (the very appreciative audience are all seated but not visible).There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperatly missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Gilderoy Lockhart enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.
Lockhart:(Looking around)Hello, everybody.Why so glum?Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host?
(the very appreciative audience bursts into wild applause making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes)
Lockhart:(starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs and occasional fainting of the very appreciative audience-showing to the world he is not the egotist he is wrong full reported to be)Well?(once again Lockhart shows why he is regarded as the saviour of the lost art of drawing room conversation)
The beautiful heroine, and the beautiful heroine's less beautiful rival (B.H.L.B.R) (in unison whilst gazing longingly at Lockhart-as one does):Yes, we've missed you terribly. Life is not the same without you.
Lockhart:(Brushing off this blatant but understandable adoration)How about a drink, then? Where is that maid of mine?(spotting beautiful heroine)Get us all a drink, will you, love?
(the beautiful heroine/maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, grateful to be of use to her-and every bodies-hero.)
The Much less exciting man (opens his mouth to say something):Um-(He realises just in time he can never say anything to compete to the witty, intelligent conversation of Lockhart and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man's natural superiority.)
Lockhart: Rather flighty chap, isn't he? (allowing us a glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man. Indeed it causes much murmuring in the very appreciative audience. At this point, The beautiful heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone. Neither she nor The B.H.M.B.R even notices the much-less-exciting man has left. It is difficult for them to notice anything else when Lockhart is in the room.)
Lockhart(Taking a drink and a handful of the delicate, mouth-watering pastries the beautiful heroine whipped up whilst she was fetching the drinks):Hey, these are good. (The very appreciative audience spontaneously burst into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to the beautiful heroine, because it indicates Lockhart knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them and also shows he is not swayed by mere physical beauty. After all, the B.H.M.B.R is better-looking but Lockhart never said anything to her.)
Lockhart:(Playing to the audience):Yes. (nods, causing himself to look even ore thoughtful and handsome)very good indeed. (The very appreciative audience erupts once more and the B.H.M.B.R dashes off to the kitchen in an attempt to gain Lockhart's attention)
Lockhart(To the beautiful heroine, demonstrating his awesome powers of observation):It looks like we're alone.
CURTAIN. (the very appreciative audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing observation to the genius responsible for the play)