Just Say It
I woke up in a soft bed. A bed has never felt this warm really in my whole life I have never been more comfortable then I am right-wait I'm not alone. I look to my left and I see a boy. A gorgeous boy if I'm being honest. A boy with the most beautiful brown curls, shocking green eyes, wonderful lips and cuts on his writs. Wait! "Haz. Wake up Hazza tell me what's on your wrist! Harry wake-the-fuck-up.
"Was going on?" He says in a sleepy voice.
I'm not sure what to say. How could I not notice this before? We've been dating for nine months and I didn't notice. I can tell that my eyes have started to water when Harry looks concerned. I really can't feel anything at the moment. Am I not enough for Harry? Do I not make him happy?
"Louis? What's wrong why are you crying?"
I can't think of anything to say anymore. I can't be here anymore either I just need to leave. I need to get out. So I do I jump out of bed through on a black shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants.
"Lou… where are you goin' is something wrong"
"Yeah it is" is the only thing I can say before I'm leaving the room and loudly closing the door behind me. I'm crushed, my Harry. Harry my perfect boyfriend. I can't have seen what I just seen. Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Now I'm starting to feel doubtful. What if I over reacted and it just turned out to be lines on his skin from the sheets. I know that now I'm just trying to avoid the issue. The issue of my perfect baby doing what he does. What am I supposed to do? Zayn! It's the first name that pops in my mind beside being down for any prank Zayn is really good at advice so I decide to head to his room.
What the fuck just happened? I was sleeping perfectly content with the heat radiating off of Louis body. I was just starting to open up my eyes when he started to freak out on me. I'm completely bewildered. Did I don something to him? I try to think back but I can't think of anything that I've done wrong. Pitifully I get up and start to get dressed. Before I go in the shower I have to take off my bracelets. That's when I realize that Louis must've seen them! How could I be so stupid! Fuck My Fucking Life. Just Fuck It All. Now he'll definitely leave me. I'm crushed as my trembling hands type out a text to him: "Hey, Louis you left kind of fast this morning are you coming back soon? xx Harry." God why am I so stupid? What is wrong with me? I'm just going to take my shower…Maybe I'll drown. I think a first happy thought of today.
"Look Zayn! He has texted me. What am I supposed to say back? I can't deal with this." I'm freaking out. Does Harry know I know? What if he's just sitting at home confused and alone? I shouldn't have left him. I'm awful.
"LOU! Are you even listening to me? God why come ask for my help at this ungodly hour of 9:30 if your not even going to listen to me?"
"Sorry Zayn but I might be a little bit distracted because my fucking boyfriend cuts open his, his," and I can't do it. I can't say Harry cuts himself. I can't admit it out loud. Then it's to real then it's something I have to deal with. "Louis it's okay. We can all deal with this together and-" "NO" I roar, "Harry can't know that you know. He won't trust me what if it makes him do it more?" Zayn's giving me a look. The look he gives me when he's starts to get annoyed "Louis Tomlinson, you listen to me you are going to go back to your flat and tell that kid you love him okay? You're going to talk to him about it and then your going to make him call his mum and him tell her he loves her then you two are going to stay under the blankets all day watching T.V. Tomorrow the two of you will have to figure out counseling and other arrangements but if you don't want any of the other boys to know then you better take action fast because I am not going to keep this a secret. It's something all the boys will have to deal with." I'm shocked. I don't think I've ever heard Zayn say so much at once unless he's talking about Perrie. "Um thanks Zayn" I say unsure if that's all he has to say or if there is going to be more to his speech. "Now leave so I can get back to sleep" and with that he's heading back to his room "make sure you lock the door."
Before I head I home I decide to get some breakfast. I mean no one could say getting breakfast counts as stalling I mean it's the most important meal of the day, right? And I mean it's not my fault if I happen to see a few other things we need at the house and you know I seem to remember that we need some groceries as well. Seeing as I'm out I might as well just go to the store.
He's still not back. I took a 45 minute shower got dressed and ate and Louis still hasn't answered my text. It's almost as if he wants me to cut again. But I know that I can't, new scars will not help me win my case right now. I have to plan what I'm going to say. Maybe I can just say they are old, yeah Louis doesn't know how aging cuts look so I could say that they are really old from like six months ago. Now all I need to figure out is the reason why. When he says why did you do it? When he tries to get me to expose that part of my life. The part that is separate from everything or at least that is supposed to be separate. I mean cutting is just something I do; I've done it for ages. You would think that I would be smarter than to do it on my wrist but I just missed doing it in that spot, it had been so long. I'll say I read some awful things on twitter. I mean I've cut over things on twitter before so that is pretty believable right! Louis will have to believe me. I'll make him believe me.
Okay I've been staling for long enough. It's time to go back to the flat and see Harry. Time to follow the instructions Zayn gave me. It's time for me to own up to… All right who the fuck am I really kidding right now? I can't deal with this. I can't deal with this? Did I just say that? What is wrong with me? If there is anyone who can't deal it's Harry and he-he needs me, right?