Alice 3
by Nikki Little
That was a close one. I pulled myself up on the ledge and looked around. Leafty green trees as far as the eye could see. Cheshire slowly became visible on a branch above my head.
"Close call, Alice. Perhaps you've been indulging too frequently in those chocolate bar powerups."
"I needed the energy, Cat! You try running from cannibal politicians all day!"
"You mean Republicans? I never knew that you could grab onto a ledge and pull yourself up that way. If you weren't lugging around a caboose as big as Miss Kitty Russell's bustle from Gunsmoke, you would have made that jump."
"Shut up, Cat. I'm well aware of the size of my caboose. And what gave you the idea that I can't grab onto a ledge and pull myself up? In Wonderland Woods, it seemed I was always pulling myself up onto ledges. What did you think I was supposed to do?"
"Plunge into darkness and die like you always did in the previous game?"
Argghhh! That Cat! I hate game developers. Especially the lame bastards who made the second game and left me unable to grab a ledge. You'd think I was crippled or something. Couldn't swim in that second game, either.
"Starting to remember, Alice? I remember when you were downright tiny."
I jumped up and grabbed Cheshire's tail and jerked him out of the tree. I put him on the ground and sat on his tail.
"Once again, Cat, you have underestimated me! Didn't think I could jump that high, did you?"
Cheshire moaned as I unwrapped another chocolate bar. He was way overdue to get sat on. Call me "fat" will he? Since when is size 8 fat? Hmmppphhh!
In the distance I saw what looked like an empty suit and pants walking toward me. I looked at Cheshire who was trying to yank his tail out from under my tail. "You see that? Is it a Democrat? Aren't they supposed to be allies?"
"Yup. A Democrat. Supposed to be allies. I have yet to see one be of any use." Cheshire continued pulling on his tail.
"The Insane Children were more useful. At least they had a knack for getting in the way of Card Guards. One even held down a pressure plate for me once." I grabbed Cheshire's tail and got up. He hissed and fumed. I threw him straight at the walking empty suit.
Well, ol' Cheshire unsheathed his claws and did what any cat does. He frantically grasped for a foothold. Pieces of cloth went flying in all directions. The walking pants crumpled on the ground. Cheshire held up the tie.
"It's a Tweety tie. This was Obama!"
I looked at all those shredded pieces of cloth. I couldn't help the grin spreading across my face. Cheshire must have been thinking the same thing.
"YEAH, BABY! TOILET PAPER!"
Well whaddaya know? It turns out old Obama was useful for something after all.
The End
This story was based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Alice was voiced by Kathryn Beaumont and the Cheshire Cat was voiced by Mike Myers. Barack Obama appears as himself.