A/N: Hello everyone! I'm Moose Lord! I know it says Moosey Moose but the
site already has someone named moose lord or something like it. Anywho.HALO
IS THE BEST GAME IN THE UNIVERSE!!!
With that said.I got the idea for this story from a birthday present. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I own the game Halo and Halo PC, but I don't own the rights to it. The almighty Bungie does. Bow to Bungie!
HALO KITTY
Once upon a time there was a cat. This was no ordinary cat. This cat liked to kick ass. I know what you're thinking: How does a cat kick ass? Well as I said, this isn't an ordinary cat. (doesn't anyone pay attention!?!). This particular cat was genetically modified and had undergone surgery to strengthen its body (and so that it could stand upright and support a rocket launcher).
The specialist part about the cat was it's kick ass MJOLNIR armor. This armor gave the cat super strength and a shield to protect it from enemy fire. Because this cat was from a children's show, it wore a dress. Just to perpetuate gender stereotypes. Stereotypes like all boys play videogames (and we do!). Well, one day the kitty was at its home in a land of flowers and pink food when an alien race attacked. The kitty donned its kick ass armor and started to .well.kick ass. And this is where our story begins.
+++REACH+++ "It's time to depart!" cried Captain Keyes.
"Where are we going?" asked a random bridge crew person thing.
"What? You don't know?"
"No."
Keyes rubbed his hands gleefully for he loved to tell this story.
"We're going to kick ass!"
"."
(A/N: Yes.the author does like and use puns.)
"Well you know those aliens that have been killing us for so long? We're gonna go to their planet and kick their asses."
"Where is their planet?"
"What?"
"Where is the alien's planet?"
"."
"I mean, you can't go to a place if you don't know where it is."
"I know where it is."
"Well if you know where it is why don't you tell me?"
"Err.well.the Covenant planet.uhh.Gesdratopte.is.over there." Keyes waved in the general direction of 'away from Earth'.
"Show me exactly where it is."
"Its umm.right.uhh.well.you see.oh.its classified information! So HA!"
"Captain!" cried another random bridge crew person thing. "Reach is under attack!"
"Holy shit! Lets get out of here!"
"But captain! The other Spartans haven't died yet! We can't leave!"
"So?"
"We have to stay to the script!"
"Its ok! If I've learned one thing in all my years of commanding its that if you ignore the plot holes they'll go away."
"Alright then. What are your orders?"
"Orders? I have to give orders? Cortana usually handles this part doesn't she?"
"Yes I do, but why does everyone treat me like I'm some computer without feelings?" said Cortana as she arrived at the bridge via holograph thingy.
"Because you are some computer without feelings."
"Oh.right. Well then we'll make a blind jump."
+++A RANDOM PLANET+++
"Cortana? Why aren't we at Halo? The script says that's where we were supposed to go?" exclaimed an irritated Keyes.
"Well I'm sorry! The script called for a blind jump! And that's what I did!"
"You were supposed to go to Halo by 'accident.'"
"I was? Oops."
+++HALO+++
"Cortana. I want you to unfreeze the cat."
"Sir?"
"You know.ugh. Do I actually have to say it? I mean, he's not my friend!"
"Do it."
"Oh fine. Cortana. I want you to give our old friend a warm welcome."
"I've already begun."
+++AUTUMNS HANGER+++
A pelican was undocking for no reason. People were lining up to get ready for the oncoming assault. More people were driving hogs for no reason at all. Then they ran some marines over. And don't get me started on those tanks.
+++CYRO CHAMBERS+++
A | | (?)
The lid to Master Kitty's 'hushed casket' was opening. And suddenly, a cat jumped out of the chamber.
"How the hell did a cat get to be a Master Chief?" wondered a tech.
"With these," explained a certain kitty in a surprisingly low voice, extending its plasma sword claws (hell ya!).
"Well that explains it."
"It's time to check your vitals sir."
"My vitals? Look man. Nobody checks my vitals. Just power up my shield and I'll be on my way."
"Are you sure you don't want to invert you're sight controls?"
"What the hell have you been smoking?"
+++THE BRIDGE+++
"Master Kitty. It's good to see you." Keyes bent down to scratch kitty's back.
*purr* "Wow. Its been awhile since I've had a good back scratch."
Suddenly the Autumn shook.
"Status report!" cried Keyes.
Cortana complained, "I broke a nail!"
"Uhh.Cortana, you're an AI. You don't have nails."
"Oh yeah."
"Master Kitty. I want you to take Cortana to the ringworld. I'll try and land the Autumn on it."
"With all due respect Sir, this war already has enough dead heroes."
"Don't worry. Master Kitty will take care of you."
"Oh. Alright then. Pull me."
+++CORRIDERS OF THE AUTUMN+++
The chief ran down the hallways. Suddenly an airlock exploded and covenant started pouring out of it.
"RUN AWAY!" cried a marine.
"HA! You can't run! You're on a spaceship! You can't get away!" said an Elite.
The marine jumped in an escape pod, which immediately launched.
"Oh.well.I guess he can run."
Master Kitty tossed a plasma grenade onto the Elite who in his last 3 seconds of life screamed, "Hey! You're not supposed to have ANY grenades yet! What's up wi-" but was cut off by the plasma grenade detonating.
"Yeah. Where'd you get the grenade?" inquired Cortana.
"Just ignore the plot holes."
"Look! One last life pod! Lets get aboard before it launches!"
The life pod's pilot chose that time to launch.
"Oh crap," said Master Kitty, whose short legs had slowed him down, causing him to miss the life pod. Then a covenant cruiser fired at the Autumn, tearing it to shreds. And to this day, no one has ever hired a cat to be a super warrior. Their legs are just too short.
With that said.I got the idea for this story from a birthday present. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I own the game Halo and Halo PC, but I don't own the rights to it. The almighty Bungie does. Bow to Bungie!
HALO KITTY
Once upon a time there was a cat. This was no ordinary cat. This cat liked to kick ass. I know what you're thinking: How does a cat kick ass? Well as I said, this isn't an ordinary cat. (doesn't anyone pay attention!?!). This particular cat was genetically modified and had undergone surgery to strengthen its body (and so that it could stand upright and support a rocket launcher).
The specialist part about the cat was it's kick ass MJOLNIR armor. This armor gave the cat super strength and a shield to protect it from enemy fire. Because this cat was from a children's show, it wore a dress. Just to perpetuate gender stereotypes. Stereotypes like all boys play videogames (and we do!). Well, one day the kitty was at its home in a land of flowers and pink food when an alien race attacked. The kitty donned its kick ass armor and started to .well.kick ass. And this is where our story begins.
+++REACH+++ "It's time to depart!" cried Captain Keyes.
"Where are we going?" asked a random bridge crew person thing.
"What? You don't know?"
"No."
Keyes rubbed his hands gleefully for he loved to tell this story.
"We're going to kick ass!"
"."
(A/N: Yes.the author does like and use puns.)
"Well you know those aliens that have been killing us for so long? We're gonna go to their planet and kick their asses."
"Where is their planet?"
"What?"
"Where is the alien's planet?"
"."
"I mean, you can't go to a place if you don't know where it is."
"I know where it is."
"Well if you know where it is why don't you tell me?"
"Err.well.the Covenant planet.uhh.Gesdratopte.is.over there." Keyes waved in the general direction of 'away from Earth'.
"Show me exactly where it is."
"Its umm.right.uhh.well.you see.oh.its classified information! So HA!"
"Captain!" cried another random bridge crew person thing. "Reach is under attack!"
"Holy shit! Lets get out of here!"
"But captain! The other Spartans haven't died yet! We can't leave!"
"So?"
"We have to stay to the script!"
"Its ok! If I've learned one thing in all my years of commanding its that if you ignore the plot holes they'll go away."
"Alright then. What are your orders?"
"Orders? I have to give orders? Cortana usually handles this part doesn't she?"
"Yes I do, but why does everyone treat me like I'm some computer without feelings?" said Cortana as she arrived at the bridge via holograph thingy.
"Because you are some computer without feelings."
"Oh.right. Well then we'll make a blind jump."
+++A RANDOM PLANET+++
"Cortana? Why aren't we at Halo? The script says that's where we were supposed to go?" exclaimed an irritated Keyes.
"Well I'm sorry! The script called for a blind jump! And that's what I did!"
"You were supposed to go to Halo by 'accident.'"
"I was? Oops."
+++HALO+++
"Cortana. I want you to unfreeze the cat."
"Sir?"
"You know.ugh. Do I actually have to say it? I mean, he's not my friend!"
"Do it."
"Oh fine. Cortana. I want you to give our old friend a warm welcome."
"I've already begun."
+++AUTUMNS HANGER+++
A pelican was undocking for no reason. People were lining up to get ready for the oncoming assault. More people were driving hogs for no reason at all. Then they ran some marines over. And don't get me started on those tanks.
+++CYRO CHAMBERS+++
A | | (?)
The lid to Master Kitty's 'hushed casket' was opening. And suddenly, a cat jumped out of the chamber.
"How the hell did a cat get to be a Master Chief?" wondered a tech.
"With these," explained a certain kitty in a surprisingly low voice, extending its plasma sword claws (hell ya!).
"Well that explains it."
"It's time to check your vitals sir."
"My vitals? Look man. Nobody checks my vitals. Just power up my shield and I'll be on my way."
"Are you sure you don't want to invert you're sight controls?"
"What the hell have you been smoking?"
+++THE BRIDGE+++
"Master Kitty. It's good to see you." Keyes bent down to scratch kitty's back.
*purr* "Wow. Its been awhile since I've had a good back scratch."
Suddenly the Autumn shook.
"Status report!" cried Keyes.
Cortana complained, "I broke a nail!"
"Uhh.Cortana, you're an AI. You don't have nails."
"Oh yeah."
"Master Kitty. I want you to take Cortana to the ringworld. I'll try and land the Autumn on it."
"With all due respect Sir, this war already has enough dead heroes."
"Don't worry. Master Kitty will take care of you."
"Oh. Alright then. Pull me."
+++CORRIDERS OF THE AUTUMN+++
The chief ran down the hallways. Suddenly an airlock exploded and covenant started pouring out of it.
"RUN AWAY!" cried a marine.
"HA! You can't run! You're on a spaceship! You can't get away!" said an Elite.
The marine jumped in an escape pod, which immediately launched.
"Oh.well.I guess he can run."
Master Kitty tossed a plasma grenade onto the Elite who in his last 3 seconds of life screamed, "Hey! You're not supposed to have ANY grenades yet! What's up wi-" but was cut off by the plasma grenade detonating.
"Yeah. Where'd you get the grenade?" inquired Cortana.
"Just ignore the plot holes."
"Look! One last life pod! Lets get aboard before it launches!"
The life pod's pilot chose that time to launch.
"Oh crap," said Master Kitty, whose short legs had slowed him down, causing him to miss the life pod. Then a covenant cruiser fired at the Autumn, tearing it to shreds. And to this day, no one has ever hired a cat to be a super warrior. Their legs are just too short.