I'm Diclonius
by Rob Morris
( Kouta at the end of the series, confronting Nyu/Lucy)
Kouta : Well, how do you answer for yourself?
Lucy : Kouta, I...
Kouta : No excuses! No evolution, no voices! You killed my family, and that can never be taken back. Why would you do that to me? To anyone?
(Lucy looks away, shakes her head)
Lucy : Your family wasn't dead.
Kouta : What?
Lucy : They just...took the rest of the train ride without you.
Kouta : Come again?
Lucy : They were anxious to get back home. They were pining for Hokkaido.
Kouta : Pining for Hokkaido? What kind of nonsense is that?
Lucy : Look, is it my fault you never bothered to check for a pulse? That Kanae was a scrappy little girl, and after they patched her up at the hospital, she told me, oh, that Baka Onii-Chan...
Kouta : Oh, Please. They were dead-lopped off, chopped off, split in two, all but Chuck Cunnighammed! Kanae now plays with Billy Connors and Lian Harper! My father golfs with Uncle Ben and Thomas Wayne! My mother-well, no one seems to know what the hell happened there, so...but they are no more. They are roadies in a Beatles Reunion. We shall not see them again until Hayate's parents reform and Saki's sister says why she hates her! Tell me Lucy, can your strange powers restore my sister to life? Can you give me back Kanae?
Lucy : I haven't got a Kanae-I've got an Ashura. Cute as a button. Lovely Moe-eyes.
Kouta : Is she alive and intact?
Lucy : Afraid...not. Head taken off in a brutal finale by space lasers. Tomino piece, you know. Lovely corpse to weep over.
Kouta : It's hardly just compensation.
Lucy : Look, I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to build a world where I belonged. Maybe in the Northwoods of Canada.
Kouta : Canada-huh? Why...
Lucy : And once out there, with no one but you, Kouta, by my side, I would sing...I would sing...
(She breaks into song)
Lucy : I'm Diclonius, and I'm okay, I kill all night and infect all day!
Maple House Residents :
(Dressed as Lumberjacks - including Wanta)
She's Diclonius, and she's okay; she kills all night and infects all day!
Lucy : I chop off heads, I brood and moan, I escape from the laboratory. I scan through porno stashes, and find Hentai Eyes Wide scenes!
Maple House Residents : She chops off heads, she broods and moans, she escapes from the laboratory-she goes through-(They stop briefly, consider their words and then keep going) porno stashes?-and finds Hentai eyes wide scenes?
Kouta : Wow-those are kind of rough ones.
Yuka : And how would you know?
Mayu : He borrowed my collection
Yuka : Oh-okay.
All : She's Diclonius, and she's okay; she kills all night and infects all day!
Lucy : I roll around, in Wanta's doo, assault poor Nozomi, I chloroform them all at night, and perform-
(The residents get up, disgusted, and begin to walk away)
Nana (points) : I used to be able to respect you, at least!
Unknown Man : Lady-you're just sick.
(They all walk off but one)
Wanta (Barks at her angrily) YIP! YIP! BAAAAARKK! RAAAARRRR!
(Lucy walks off, dejected; Camera focuses on Wanta)
Wanta : And now for something completely different. On BBC Japan, we present : Dragonball Z Movie 39 : Michael Ellis Goes All-Out! Super Hell Attack Of The Larch!
Afterwards, I will be offering roundtable commentary with Marron of To-Love-Ru, Uzume The Ferret Of AI Yori Aoshi, and as always Ryo-Ohki The Cabbit and Love Hina's Tama-Chan. Tonight's Topic : Pikachu : Heartless Bastard or Merely Merchandising Twit?