This is my first story here, so please, reviews are very welcome!

Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders or any characters from S.E Hinton's novel.

Chapter 1

"Dammit Bria, you need to stop being such a friggin' mess!"

I rolled my eyes and scoffed,

"A mess telling someone else not to be a friggin' mess? Give me a break."

"I'll break your arm in a minute if you don't shut up and listen to me!"

I shut my mouth, because I knew that Dallas Winston wouldn't back out on a threat like that. He had no trouble hitting someone, although maybe it was different with girls. I
wasn't sure if he had ever hit a girl before, much less someone like me, one of the gang, but hey... I didn't want to risk it. He huffed and took a long drag off of a cigarette before saying anything, and as soon as he lowered the smoke, I grabbed it from his fingers and closed my eyes while I took a long drag myself.

"Sure," Dally said sarcastically, "have that one..."

He grunted and lit another cigarette, and then started talking.

"Look Bria, I know the lot of us, all us Greasers, we're rough, I know. We ain't got nothin' to be proud of, ain't got a hope in the world for anything being fair... but jeezus Bria, we have each other. Even an insensitive ass like me can figure that out!"

"What are you tryin' to say, Dally?!" I said, frustrated.

We had been playing pool. Dally was winning. I wasn't on my game. Never was; I couldn't concentrate. Dally, he doesn't do well with quiet, so when I stopped talking like I'd been doing a lot lately, Dally got mad. We both knew what I was thinking about. All of the guys had their own talks with eachother when he had died... I had avoided every single situation I could. No one knew how I felt, but Dally was trying to beat it out of me, I knew it.

"What I'm tryin' to say is stop being such an idiot! Look at you!"

When I stopped talking and Dally got mad at me, I told him we'd have to leave if he wanted to get anything else out of me. I don't like fighting about personal matters in public, it makes me feel weak. Dally and I walked back to the Curtis house. Dally usually hopped around from place to place, and I didn't want to go to my house since my dad would be home and he would probably call me a derogatory name if I walked in the door with a guy. It wouldn't matter if we had only been picking tulips for Christ's sake, my dad took everything the wrong way, and took it all out on me. When mom died, dad began to hate the world and all that was in it, including me.

The Curtis door was always open, especially to us, even though no one was home at the time. Darry was like my older brother. He came across as cold and strict to a lot of people, but I think he had a soft spot for me because I was the girl of the gang. Everyone took to me real quick, which always surprised me. I wasn't anything special. The only reason I even knew any of them was because of him; because we had become friends by an accident, and it carried on into this family that we had created with each other. Johnny...

I didn't need to look at myself to know exactly how I appeared. My hair was thrown up in a messy bun, and I had my light pink bandana wrapped around, headband-style. I had hoop earrings, and my makeup was a bit heavy since I was so tired all the time. I didn't sleep much nowadays. I was wearing a white wife-beater, and a pair of rather short jean shorts. There was a yellow bandana tied around my arm a couple of times, right above my wrist. I had seen each member of the gang stare at it suspiciously a few times, because they all assumed what was hiding underneath it... My tiny arms hung at my sides, and my waifish hands rested in my lap, holding the cigarette. My bony knees were together, and I could see the floor beneath me through the gap in my thighs. There were too many bruises to count.

"Look at you," Dally repeated, "chain smokin', you drink all the time, you don't give a shit about anything, you don't sleep, you let people walk all over you, you don't eat! Look at how goddamn skinny you are, Bria, Jesus!"

"I'm not that skinny..." I said nonchalantly, taking another drag off the smoke.

Dally pointed an accusing finger at me and frowned with narrow dark eyes,

"I bet you any friggin' money you're down 20 pounds."

"Since when?!" I said angrily.

"You know when."

I looked away, avoiding the subject again. Dally was making me angry. I didn't see why he gave such a damn when he did a lot of the same stuff I was doing.

"What do you care?" I said, "It's not like you don't do any of this stuff."

"Oh, we all know I do it all too, alright? Smoke, drink, whatever, but I do eat, and I know when shit start's to get dangerous, alright?! You're a damn mess!"

I stood up then and stormed into the kitchen and grabbed the first thing I could see. It was a chocolate muffin, which didn't surprise me since all three Curtis boys were obsessed with chocolate, and I took a bite out of it.

"There?!" I said once I had swallowed, "I'm eating, Dal! Feel better now?!"

"No I don't!"

He had followed me in and was pointing his finger at me again. He was shouting, and part of me started getting a little scared. He was very angry with me; I could see it in his eyes. It was a look all of us greasers knew well after getting to know Dallas and his temper.

"You need to talk about this, Bria."

"I don't need to talk about shit!" I said, and in my rage I threw the rest of the muffin at Dally.

He dodged the muffin and charged at me, grabbing my wrist and holding on tight. I groaned in pain, but still struggled to break free. Dally had backed me into the corner of kitchen counter and then he let go of me.

"Bria, look, we all felt like this too, okay? But come on! Get yourself together."

I was going into panic mode. He was forcing me into the subject I wanted with all my existence just to forget. He was forcing me into facing the real reason why I drank so much, and was so rough with myself, and smoked, and didn't eat, and didn't give a shit about anything in the world anymore. Tears prickled in my eyes, but I didn't want Dallas Winston to see me cry, even though he already had before plenty of times. I groaned loudly again.

"Dally, let me out!"

"No, not until you start talking!"

I burst.

"What do you want me to say, Dally?!" My voice cracked as I shouted. "You know why I'm like this... Why do you have to make me say it?!"

"Bria-"

He tried to talk, but I interrupted him as my panic reached its peak.

"I just can't do it, Dally! I can't do it without him, I couldn't cope! So now all this-" I dropped my hands at my side to showcase myself, "is how I cope! It just hurts too much!"

"You think we're not hurting either?!" Dally shouted back; clearly angry at my last statement, "Johnny was everyone's kid brother, and you know it!"

"It's not the same..." I said, my eyes watering again as I fought with everything to keep them in, "It's just not the same, Dally, you don't understand..."

"I don't understand?! I understand that you're tryin' to tell me that I don't feel the same way you do?! Jesus Christ, Bria, what do you think he was to us?! I understand that you're little behind is tryin' to tell me that I just don't understand how much it hurts knowin' one of our best friends is dead!"

When those words came out of his mouth, I started crying. My hands went up to my face so I could hide myself from Dally. I was ashamed, devastated at every reminder, heartbroken, just... done. Dally went silent as I let out a few sobs, then caught my breath and said quietly,

"I miss him so much Dally, I just... he was just so..."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. My heart felt like it was about to explode, and I began shouting at Dally again,

"You don't understand Dally!" I said, "I loved him!"

He slammed his fist down on the counter, and I flinched.

"You think I didn't love him too?! I cared about that kid more than anything, dammit! I woulda ran to hell and back for him, I loved him too! We all loved him, Bria!"

"I know! I know!" I cried, "I know you all loved him too, but that's not what I mean, Dally!"

My crying was frustrating Dally, and he ran his hand through his hair and groaned,

"What the hell do you mean, then?!"

"Dally, I loved him!"

I had cried with such pain and sadness that Dally actually turned silent. He stared at me with narrowed eyes, but made no move or sound.

"I loved him, Dally... like... I really, really loved him, loved him!"

Dally's continuous silence proved that he now understood what I meant. Love was another feeling that Dallas Winston never really completely understood, but when it came to his friends he knew enough to realize how much I was hurting now.

"I never even..." I sniffed and wiped my nose with my hand, "N-never even got to... to even tell him, Dally! I mean, I wanted to, but I was just too scared! When all of this blew over, then I was gonna tell him, I mean, I never thought that he'd actually..."

I had to stop and sob again.

"Bria..." I felt Dally reach out and touch my arm, "Bri... I betchya he knew."

"You're just saying that!" I said angrily.

"No, I'm serious! We all saw the way he was with you! You guys always hung out together when everyone else was busy, you two coulda spent hours talking together about anything in the world! You think he had that with any of us?"

My heart was on fire. I missed him too much. Couldn't they all see that it was all just pointless now? Couldn't they all just understand that I didn't care anymore? The boy I loved was dead... what the hell did I need to care about? It all seemed so unreal… how could this have happened?

I remember the day I met him just like it was yesterday…

Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter! I'll upload new chapters as soon as possible. Please review if you can! :)