This story has been in my head for a couple of months now, and it only just found the time to flow out. (Yay, staycations!) It deals with some tough stuff for Ted and Tracy: infertility. Obviously, this is AU. But I wanted to explore this between the two, to show something that Carter and Craig refused to do in their failnale: that Tracy was more than just a uterus to carry the kids Ted wanted so desperately (and to then be tossed out once her work was done). So I'm taking kids out of the equation here; because she should've been more than simply "a mother". And Ted would forever love her even if she wasn't. I hope you all enjoy.
It felt like a given, something a woman's born to do / A natural ambition to see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty if that was a gift I couldn't give / Could you be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it?
- "So Hard", Dixie Chicks
When he met Tracy, on that fateful rainy night in May of 2013, Ted knew that his life was going to change. Right away, in fact. Her smile, her wit, the fact that their two separate roads had finally seemed to converge in what Ted could only describe as an act from the universe... She was it for him; she was "the one". And he couldn't wait for the life he'd always dreamed of to finally come together.
And he was happy that Tracy had the same future in mind, too. A loving spouse, a home, a kid or two to complete the whole package. Finally, someone who shared his passions, appreciated his dorky nature, both challenged and supported him... and loved him so fully that he could feel it every time she looked at him. And he loved her just as much. It was as if every crappy relationship that had gone up in a pit of flames, every time his heart got trampled on, was worth it just to make it to this person. This beautiful, talented, wonderful person he couldn't wait to call his wife.
Their relationship progressed quickly. They were engaged a year after they met and, by the fall of 2014, they were husband and wife. And pretty much right after the honeymoon, they were quick to begin the process of adding to their family.
But of course, life wouldn't be life if it didn't throw a few roadblocks their way. The first year didn't bring too much concern for the couple; they simply enjoyed one another's company and bodies, eager to make love anywhere and at any time, their newly-wedded bliss distracting them from what was to come.
When they couldn't seem to get pregnant after that first year, however, they visited doctor after doctor after doctor to get some answers. Tracy charted her temperature to check when she was ovulating; they were hopeful in the beginning, thinking that the conditions simply had to be just right for them to conceive.
At first, it was fun. Ted loved getting random texts and calls from Tracy telling him, "I'm hot, Mosby". He'd rush out of meetings or even lectures to meet her, sometimes having wild sex on his desk at his campus office; sometimes using their emergency key to break into Barney and Robin's apartment, one time even getting caught in the middle of the act by the couple, who had arrived home for their own little "afternoon delight".
They did it in back alleys, supply closets, public bathrooms. One time, they even snuck away to do it during Marvin's 4th birthday party. It was illicit, exciting, and absolutely thrilling. But with the passing of time and with every negative pregnancy test, sex wasn't even fun anymore. It started to feel like a chore, just doing it when they weren't even in the mood, mechanically going through the motions in hopes of making a baby.
They fought a lot during these times. They were still hopelessly in love with one another, of course, but it all took a toll on them. It was a difficult period, but Ted and Tracy both knew that this was the whole "for better or for worse" part of their wedding vows that they were going through. Marriage was tough, they knew, and they didn't take it lightly. They were in it for the long haul.
There were some good times, of course. Quiet moments when sex wasn't on the agenda; it was just him and her, out on date night, or at home in Westchester in front of the TV. Visits into the city with the gang, weekend getaways. For every tear shed and biting comment made, there was a loving kiss and a heartfelt laugh. They tried to have a normal life, to not get too overwhelmed by the stresses trying to conceive brought to them; and it was surprisingly easy to fall back into it, simply focusing on one another.
After two years of marriage, Ted and Tracy agreed that the next option for them was IVF treatments. Their insurance covered some of it, and they had quite a bit of money in their savings, so they had agreed to give it a shot. What did they have to lose? They both wanted a child so desperately, that they were willing to do whatever it took to make it happen.
But now, nearly two years later and three attempts at IVF, they entered the house, hopeless and dejected. They'd just come back from another appointment at the doctor's, hoping for good news, but getting the same apologetic look they'd received many times before. The embryo transfer didn't take. Tracy wasn't pregnant.
They collapsed onto the sofa wordlessly now, Ted heartbroken over the news. He'd always considered himself a hopeful person, someone who would easily pick himself up when the world around him dealt him a crappy hand. When he got dejected time and again over the state of his love life, the universe eventually gifted him with the amazing woman now sitting to his right. Ted had hoped that this time, by patiently dealing with all these hardships, he and Tracy would be rewarded again, too.
Unfortunately, it wasn't the case.
Ted looked over at his wife, who was curled up on one end of the couch, knees to her chest, head rolled back and facing away from him. He sighed. How he wished Tracy didn't have to go through all this. Nearly four years of trying and failing had taken its toll on her.
He scooted closer to her and placed a warm hand on her shoulder. "Babe?" he murmured. "How're you feeling?"
She rolled her head to look his way and gave him a watery smile. "I'm just tired, Ted," she admitted, then sighed and pressed her forehead to her knees, her face covered.
She sounded tired; tired and defeated. His heart broke—or whatever was worse than broken—not for the child that they couldn't have, but for this pain she felt. Not just emotional, but physical. Ted knew what her body had gone through the past few years; bloodwork and ultrasounds, fertility drugs and daily injections. It wasn't a pleasant experience for her; and for all of that to have been for nought was the final nail on that coffin.
"I know, honey," he said soothingly, sliding his hand down her arm to reach for her hand, tugging at it gently, forcing her to look up and to look at him. "This news is disheartening, but we'll figure something out. Maybe we can—"
"Pooh bear," she said softly, her lips quivering, tears looming. "Can we stop? Please? I—I can't do this anymore."
Her words shocked him. Stop? That had never crossed his mind. Ted had assumed from the get-go that they'll do whatever they could, for as long as possible, until they had a little baby they could call their own. Giving up had never been an option in his mind.
But now, watching Tracy plead with him, seemingly having had enough of it all, gave him a different perspective. For him, it was easy to say "let's keep trying"; he thought he could throw money at the problem and undergo IVF treatments one, three, ten times if they had to. But for Tracy, she and her body had to stop. And Ted knew, deep down, it was what they had to do. He couldn't see his wife like this anymore. And he would do absolutely anything for her; her well-being trumped everything else.
"Ok," he said softly, leaving forward to kiss her forehead. "Ok. We can stop now."
At those words, Tracy began to sob openly now, leaning into him. "I'm so sorry," she chocked out, mumbling against his chest. "I ruined the plan! You married me, waiting for years to have the kids you always dreamed of, and now I can't even give you that. Why the hell did you even marry me?"
Ted's eyes narrowed in concern. "What?" he said, perplexed, his chest aching at those words. He pulled back and grabbed her by the shoulders to look at the worry and anguish in his wife's eyes. "Tracy, honey, what on earth—"
"You broke up with Robin because she didn't want kids!" she cried. "And we all thought she couldn't have any. Now look at her!"
It was true. Barney and Robin never thought kids would be in their plans, but after about a year of marriage, right after Ted and Tracy had gotten engaged, they had announced—to their own amazement—that they were expecting a baby. It was an adjustment for them, especially for Robin, but they were now the proud parents of little William Stinson, who would be turning 4 in the fall.
And however happy both he and Tracy were for them, there was a pain there, watching them—as well as Marshall and Lily—raising their kids, when the Mosbys could only wish they were in their place.
"I can't even give you everything a wife is supposed to," Tracy continued. "What do you even want from me now?"
"Hey, hey," he said soothingly, reaching over to pull Tracy close to him again, into his arms. He held her softly but fiercely, trying his best to let her know with his touch that he loved her, loved her more than he ever thought possible. That despite the hand they were dealt, it did not change for one moment how he felt about her.
Ted pulled back and looked down at her. "Tracy, baby," he uttered, looking down into her eyes. He was crying too now. "I love you. I love you. You have given me more than any other woman ever has: you've given me hope. You've given me unconditional love. You've given me a family... Because we—you and I—we're a family.
"Yeah, sure," he went on, reaching up to cup Tracy's tear-stained cheek. "Robin miraculously was able to have kids, but that doesn't change the fact that she and I still broke up, and we weren't meant to be together for a myriad of other reasons. But you... You, Tracy, are the person I fell in love with. You're the person I chose to marry, and you're the only woman I was able to picture a lifetime with. But I didn't marry you because I was just looking for the future mother of my children. I married you because you were just the most amazing person I had ever met, and I had no choice but to fall in love with you. You had a hold on me instantly. And I have no intention of ever letting go."
Tracy sniffed and Ted saw a glimmer of a smile on her lips. "I'll never let go of you either," she said, reaching up to smooth down his hair. "But, Ted: you've always wanted kids. That was always part of your plan, for so long."
Ted sighed. "Yeah, I'm heartbroken we can't have kids," he admitted. "But you know what breaks my heart even more? Seeing you unhappy and in this much pain. And if it means changing the plan around, well, that's what we have to do."
"Are you sure, babe? Can we survive the reminder of our marriage just the two of us?"
He looked into her eyes, wanting her to see the certainty in his. "We can. I married the woman I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That hasn't changed, kids or no kids." Ted paused briefly. "And, Trace, if you kept on putting yourself through all this just to make me happy, I am just so sorry. Because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I pushed you in any way..."
He saw the look of horror in his wife's eyes. "No, no, no," she said hurriedly, moving to press her lips to his in a reassuring kiss. "Pooh bear, you didn't force me into anything. We both wanted this, at all costs."
Ted nodded solemnly. "So... this is it?"
Tracy gave him a brave smile. "This is it," she agreed. "Guess we'll have to entertain ourselves for the rest of our lives somehow."
"We'll do our best," he assured her. "You're lucky you married such a funny guy: I'll keep the jokes coming for the next 50-60 years, so you will never get bored."
Tracy laughed heartily, and Ted immediately realized he hadn't heard her laugh like that in a long time. "Oh, honey," she said placatingly with the shake of her head. "Your shellfish joke unfortunately won't stand the test of time. We'll find some hobbies or something."
He clutched at his heart dramatically. "Ouch!" he said, and gave her a goofy grin. "I thought that shellfish joke was the reason you agreed to marry me."
She gave him a loving smile. "There were so many reasons why I wanted to marry you," she said seriously. "And now, I feel like I want to marry you all over again."
And that moment, surprisingly, felt like a fresh start to their marriage. Yes, it wasn't an easy transition. The pain and the loss of the child they would likely never have was still present, like a dull ache at the bottom of their hearts. But at least they knew where they stood; there were no what ifs or false hope. They could now move forward.
And slowly, life got good again. They sold the house in Westchester, however heartbreaking it was, given it was too big for just the two of them, and it would've been a continuous reminder of the fact that they couldn't fill it with children. So they bought a condo in the city, which was great, which meant they got to see the gang more often, as well as be a constant presence in the lives of their four godchildren.
They focused on their work. They volunteered. They travelled a lot. They kept themselves busy and continued to lead a very fulfilled life together. Sex was good again; no longer relegated to some chore they had to add to their calendar, but an actual expression of their love for one another, no longer marred with the stress and the anxiety on whether they would conceive a child or not.
But Ted and Tracy didn't lose all hope. They decided to look at other options, like surrogacy or adoption. Or heck, maybe they'd get lucky and miraculously get pregnant like Robin had. Whatever happened, all that mattered was that he and Tracy were finally happy for the first time in what felt like a very long time.
Sure, life hadn't turned out at all like Ted had always pictured it. But he was good with rolling with the punches. And with the love of his life by his side, he figured that, maybe, this was the life he was meant to have all along.
THE END