They tell me to move on, they tell me to forget him. Him being Brian Kinney, my best friend and God's gift to gay Pittsburgh. It's not that they think we shouldn't be friends, it's that they think I shouldn't depend on him so much. I don't really depend on him that much, do I?
It may seem like I depend on him a lot, but I don't. I'm just grateful that I still have a role in his life. Sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't need me, but I know he does. I understand him better than anyone, and I know that he can't always say what he feels. If he could, maybe he and Justin wouldn't have the rules, they'd just have a relationship. Who knows, if he could, we might have had a chance fourteen years ago. But that doesn't matter anymore; it's in the past.
But, if it's in the past, why do I still manage to get hurt? Maybe hurt isn't the right word. Hopeful? That isn't it either. I know, in my mind, that he's happy with Justin. I know that we aren't going to be anything more than friends, best friends. I have to keep reminding myself that we are best friends, that I do know him better than anyone else, sometimes even better than he knows himself. I guess it's everyone else that makes me feel this way. They dwell on things that I don't, at least that I don't anymore.
They underestimate me, they don't mean to, but they do. Do they realize that if I completely pushed Brian out of my life (or would it be the other way around, if he pushed me out of his life) that I would be miserable? Not to mention how Brian would feel. We need each other.
Brian makes me confident. Well, he forces me to be confident. After I saw the video I had made, I started to think that no one would find me attractive and that I'd made a mistake when I left David. Brian convinced me to let him make an Internet ad for me. Leave it to Brian to find something sexy about me. If I hadn't posed for what seemed like hundreds of pictures, I wouldn't believe that the man on the screen was me. The next day I had fifteen replies. Brian can sell anything!
What do I do for Brian? I keep him sane, I also keep him grounded. We have known each other so long, and I've seen him through so much, that he can't hide anything from me. I will always be there for him, and do anything for him, and he knows it. I guess that's why people say that he takes advantage of me, but he doesn't. He doesn't always come running to me. I know that when he does come to me, that it is very important, which is why I make time for him right away.
If I have our relationship figured out, then why do I get upset about it? Why is it so hard for me to say that Brian is my best friend, always has been and always will be? He never promised me anything more. The little episode in my bedroom when we were fourteen was nothing; if anything it was experimenting. Nothing came of it then, and nothing will ever come of it. Why is it so hard?
I used to blame Justin. Like it was Justin's fault that Brian doesn't love me the same way that I love him. I knew that Brian and I would never be together long before Justin came along. I guess the reality of Brian loving someone (someone else) hadn't struck me until Justin came into our lives. At first sight, he was just another one of Brian's tricks. Most people would say that Justin wormed his way into Brian's life, but I was there when Brian saw him. There was something in Brian's eyes when he saw Justin by the lamppost that said that he would be different. I hoped I was wrong, and that the look in his eyes was from the drugs, but a year and a half later he still has that look in his eyes when he sees Justin. I didn't think that Brian loved Justin, not even when he stopped pushing the boy away. When we traveled to New York City to bring Justin home, I still didn't think Brian loved him. Yet, I knew that Justin was more than a trick.
It wasn't until I met Brian at the hospital the night of Justin's prom that I realized it. When I saw him sitting there crying, with Justin's blood all over him, wearing the bloodstained scarf around his neck, that's when I realized that Brian loved Justin. I think I realized it before he did. It was hard for me to admit, to myself, that Brian loves someone. In my heart, I always thought that when Brian started to show love, that it would be toward me I always thought that the hardest thing would be admitting to myself that Brian loves someone else, but it isn't (although it was hard enough).
Maybe it's seeing them together. But that can't be it; I see them every night at Babylon. Sometimes I even dance with them. Lately I have been thinking of Justin as one of the guys, not someone who stuck around long past his welcome. I've come to realize that Justin is good for Brian. His youth helps Brian forget his age. When I see them together, I see that finally Brian is happy. Sometimes seeing them together reminds me that love does exist.
Then what is it? Maybe it's having the person I love in front of me all the time, and knowing that I can't have him.
Yeah, that's the hardest thing.
It may seem like I depend on him a lot, but I don't. I'm just grateful that I still have a role in his life. Sometimes he makes it seem like he doesn't need me, but I know he does. I understand him better than anyone, and I know that he can't always say what he feels. If he could, maybe he and Justin wouldn't have the rules, they'd just have a relationship. Who knows, if he could, we might have had a chance fourteen years ago. But that doesn't matter anymore; it's in the past.
But, if it's in the past, why do I still manage to get hurt? Maybe hurt isn't the right word. Hopeful? That isn't it either. I know, in my mind, that he's happy with Justin. I know that we aren't going to be anything more than friends, best friends. I have to keep reminding myself that we are best friends, that I do know him better than anyone else, sometimes even better than he knows himself. I guess it's everyone else that makes me feel this way. They dwell on things that I don't, at least that I don't anymore.
They underestimate me, they don't mean to, but they do. Do they realize that if I completely pushed Brian out of my life (or would it be the other way around, if he pushed me out of his life) that I would be miserable? Not to mention how Brian would feel. We need each other.
Brian makes me confident. Well, he forces me to be confident. After I saw the video I had made, I started to think that no one would find me attractive and that I'd made a mistake when I left David. Brian convinced me to let him make an Internet ad for me. Leave it to Brian to find something sexy about me. If I hadn't posed for what seemed like hundreds of pictures, I wouldn't believe that the man on the screen was me. The next day I had fifteen replies. Brian can sell anything!
What do I do for Brian? I keep him sane, I also keep him grounded. We have known each other so long, and I've seen him through so much, that he can't hide anything from me. I will always be there for him, and do anything for him, and he knows it. I guess that's why people say that he takes advantage of me, but he doesn't. He doesn't always come running to me. I know that when he does come to me, that it is very important, which is why I make time for him right away.
If I have our relationship figured out, then why do I get upset about it? Why is it so hard for me to say that Brian is my best friend, always has been and always will be? He never promised me anything more. The little episode in my bedroom when we were fourteen was nothing; if anything it was experimenting. Nothing came of it then, and nothing will ever come of it. Why is it so hard?
I used to blame Justin. Like it was Justin's fault that Brian doesn't love me the same way that I love him. I knew that Brian and I would never be together long before Justin came along. I guess the reality of Brian loving someone (someone else) hadn't struck me until Justin came into our lives. At first sight, he was just another one of Brian's tricks. Most people would say that Justin wormed his way into Brian's life, but I was there when Brian saw him. There was something in Brian's eyes when he saw Justin by the lamppost that said that he would be different. I hoped I was wrong, and that the look in his eyes was from the drugs, but a year and a half later he still has that look in his eyes when he sees Justin. I didn't think that Brian loved Justin, not even when he stopped pushing the boy away. When we traveled to New York City to bring Justin home, I still didn't think Brian loved him. Yet, I knew that Justin was more than a trick.
It wasn't until I met Brian at the hospital the night of Justin's prom that I realized it. When I saw him sitting there crying, with Justin's blood all over him, wearing the bloodstained scarf around his neck, that's when I realized that Brian loved Justin. I think I realized it before he did. It was hard for me to admit, to myself, that Brian loves someone. In my heart, I always thought that when Brian started to show love, that it would be toward me I always thought that the hardest thing would be admitting to myself that Brian loves someone else, but it isn't (although it was hard enough).
Maybe it's seeing them together. But that can't be it; I see them every night at Babylon. Sometimes I even dance with them. Lately I have been thinking of Justin as one of the guys, not someone who stuck around long past his welcome. I've come to realize that Justin is good for Brian. His youth helps Brian forget his age. When I see them together, I see that finally Brian is happy. Sometimes seeing them together reminds me that love does exist.
Then what is it? Maybe it's having the person I love in front of me all the time, and knowing that I can't have him.
Yeah, that's the hardest thing.