A/N: Hello lovely people!
To be honest with you, I'm a little intimidated by the fact that I'm sending a Star Wars fanfic out to the fanfiction world. Because, Star Wars. There are so many phenomenal writers who write for this crazy-huge fandom, and I am nowhere near phenomenal. But here I am, posting this bit of what is basically fluff. Well, fluff that involves pepper spray and broken noses. (Padmé is not putting up with Anakin's shenanigans.)
Before reading this, go listen to "Deer in the Headlights" by Owl City, and tell me you don't think that would be the perfect song for Anakin Skywalker in AotC-era. I laughed so hard I cried when I first made that discovery, which then manifested itself into this modern AU one-shot.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of its characters. (Shocking, I know.) I also don't own Sabé's last name; that credit belongs to AwayOHumanChild, one of the aforementioned phenomenal Star Wars fic authors, who has written some of what are my favorite fanfics of all time. (They're absolutely brilliant. Do yourself a favor and go read them when you're finished here.) Oh, and I also don't own "Deer in the Headlights", the inspiration for this one-shot which belongs to Adam Young. Is that all? I think that's all.
Without further ado...
Deer in the Headlights
{in which Anakin doesn't know when to quit, and Padmé is seriously considering getting a restraining order}
There are times when Padmé Naberrie wishes that she wasn't quite so beautiful.
Wow. That sounded pretentious and awfully vain. Ignore that. No, what she means is that she wishes that she wasn't quite so beautiful in the eyes of the young men on her college campus.
Because apparently, a lot of them don't mind approaching her and letting her know exactly what they think of her. In the middle of the cafeteria, or on the way to class, or even in front of her dorm hall as she's trying to get inside.
And that's just downright annoying, if not creepy and chauvinistic, so she's taken to carrying around a small container of pepper spray in her purse. It makes her feel… not exactly safer, because Padmé can take care of herself, but it certainly gives her a sense of power and self-confidence, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Today, though, is the first opportunity she's actually had to make use of her new self-defense tactic, and she must say, it worked splendidly.
She smothers a self-satisfied grin as she slips into her dorm room, where her roommate-slash-best-friend Sabé Reccen is sprawled out on her bed, chestnut hair fanned out over the comforter, listening to music and happily munching on a croissant. Upon seeing her friend walk in, the girl grins and goes to sit up, so quickly that her wayward hair flies about before coming to rest in haphazard waves around her shoulders. She removes one earbud to greet her roommate with a cheery, "Hey, you'll never guess what happened to Saché and I today!"
Padmé laughs as she sets her purse and textbooks down on her desk, then sits gracefully in her chair behind it, slipping off her heels as she does so. "There's no telling with you two. What happened?"
Both earbuds are removed as Sabé scoots towards the edge of the bed, her dark eyes twinkling with unabashed amusement. "We went to grab coffee on the way to class, and when we stepped inside the Java, who did we see but our lovely friend Eirtaé, out on a date! And no, before you ask, I can't remember his name. It was weird though. So of course Sach and I crashed the date and told the few embarrassing Eirtaé stories we could remember— man, was she mad at us! I told the one about the dodgeball incident from middle school— you remember that, don't you?— and she told me to 'get out, Sabé, and go bother someone else'. Such a kind, gentle soul she is, right?"
"Well, to be fair, you provoked her," Padmé points out, but she is laughing herself and so Sabé knows she won't be lectured too harshly for this incident. "Part of me wishes I could have been there with you! My morning wasn't nearly so hilarious. It was interesting though."
"So, what happened to you?" Sabé asks promptly, getting the feeling that this is going to be a very good story.
She isn't disappointed; Padmé's tale of her own morning adventure leaves her friend sitting there slack-jawed, blinking rapidly as she tries to process what the heck she's just been told. "So… what you're saying is… you pepper-sprayed a guy just because he approached you and said 'hello'? Seriously?"
" 'Hello milady'. It's the way he said it that was unnerving," Padmé insists, eyes flashing with indignation. "And then he had some horrible pickup line where he asked if I was an angel. He was being way too overt. It made me uncomfortable, so I sprayed him. I was perfectly within my rights!"
Sabé holds up her hands in mock surrender; her smirk betrays her amusement. "Whoa, calm down! I'm not going to argue with that. But don't you think it was a bit… harsh, maybe? And that's coming from me." (The same girl who had once accidentally slammed into Professor Yoda when they crossed paths on a staircase, causing the elderly man to fall backwards down quite a few steps. Sabé had been absolutely horrified, but they're something like friends now, and he offers up a bit of good-natured teasing every time they pass each other on campus.)
Padmé sends her friend her famous I-am-right-and-that's-the-end-of-this glare. "It may have been harsh, but it was necessary."
"And hilarious," Sabé adds, grinning as she finishes off the croissant she's still holding. "I still can't believe you sprayed him! That's totally something I would do. It seems I'm rubbing off on you, my darling friend."
And both girls share a laugh, as Padmé remarks wryly that thank goodness this will be the end of her encounters with that guy; there's something about him that really gets on her nerves.
The first thing that Sabé notices upon walking into her evening English-Comp class is that Obi-Wan Kenobi, who sits behind her usual spot, looks absolutely exhausted. His auburn goatee is slightly unkempt (and that never happens with him, he takes great pride in keeping his hair neat), his sky-blue eyes are slightly glazed over, and from what she can tell he's drinking coffee.
Coffee.
He's a tea kind of guy through and through; he never lowers his standards enough to drink coffee, not unless…
"Long day?" she asks conversationally as she plops down into her chair and settles her bags, pulling out her laptop and textbook. They've become good friends over the past two semesters, ever since they struggled through an Algebra course together in the fall. He's going to become a pastor, and she a pediatrician; complex math is neither of their strong suits, and thus they leaned on each other to commiserate. (That friendship also began quite awkwardly on Sabé's part; she'd had a rough morning and brought a thermos of coffee to the class, and somehow managed to spill it all over Obi-Wan's lap. The subsequent trip to the campus nurse's office and back had solidified their friendship.)
"You have no idea," he mutters, his British-accented voice dripping with weariness. "Anakin's been a pain all day."
Sabé hums, unable to stop a smirk from playing on her face as she turns around to face him. "Why today in particular? You've always got some Anakin-story to tell."
Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan's roommate, is… well. Interesting is a good word. So is reckless. And stubborn. But still, in spite of these qualities (or perhaps because of them), he and Sabé get along swimmingly, the few times the three of them all get to meet up.
Obi-Wan sighs the sigh of a young man who is 100% done with everything today. "Well, today he got himself pepper-sprayed, and spent the entire day locked up in our dorm, whining about the injustice of the whole thing long after the blindness, burning, and coughing wore off. Also, here's a surprise: he's apparently in love with the girl who sprayed him. Charming beginning, isn't it?"
"Wait, wait, wait, hold up!" Obi-Wan can't for the life of him figure out why Sabé looks as if she's about to burst into laughter. Yes, it is rather amusing, but— "So what you're saying is, Anakin got pepper-sprayed this morning?"
Obi-Wan's blue eyes narrow as he tries to read the girl's expression. What on earth is she getting at? "Yes…?"
"And would this girl happen to look, oh, almost exactly like me, only prettier?"
"But you're very—"
She holds up a hand to silence him, but her smile is warm. "Thanks, but just answer the question."
"Well… Anakin was muttering some nonsense about 'a waterfall of chestnut curls' and 'chocolate eyes that seep into your soul' and 'perfect kissable lips' and—"
Sabé very nearly falls out of her chair, she's laughing so hard, and Obi-Wan cracks a grin even though he's beginning to get a tad annoyed at her keeping him in the dark about what's so hilarious about this whole thing.
He doesn't have to wonder for long; as their professor enters the room, Sabé turns around and opens her laptop dutifully, but not before she leans forward to whisper conspiratorially in his ear, "Well, it seems like Padmé Naberrie and Anakin Skywalker have finally met."
If Obi-Wan has to hear Anakin rambling about 'love at first sight' and 'graceful charm that took my breath away' one more time, he's going to lose it. And Obi-Wan very rarely loses his temper, so this is bad indeed.
Thankfully for everyone involved (well, except for Anakin), Padmé takes care of the situation herself. Again.
And that's how Obi-Wan finds himself ushering Sabé into their dorm during open-dorm hours that afternoon, where a sulky Anakin is sitting on the futon, holding a throw pillow against his face.
"Well that's effective treatment. You'd better hope you didn't just get blood all over that pillow, Skywalker." The med student rolls her eyes as she drops a full arsenal of medical supplies onto the couch beside him, then yanks the pillow from him without so much as asking first, her dark eyes evaluating his injuries critically. "Anakin, what did I tell you? Padmé is not interested. I thought the pepper spray would've made that obvious!"
"Evidently not," is Obi-Wan's dry comment as he rummages around in the cabinet for a few mugs; situations like this usually end with a cup of tea, he's found.
Anakin shoots his friend a glare out of his non-swollen eye. "But I love her! I've loved her since the first moment I saw her."
Sabé snorts at this as she lifts his chin, with a strict reminder to keep his head elevated, for the sake of both his black eye and his bloody nose. "Yeah, love at first sight? That's not a thing."
"Yeth it ith!" Anakin argues, but the effect is lost as he is currently having his nose stuffed in order to stop the blood flow.
"It isn't broken, thank goodness— you'd have had to have surgery then," Sabé mutters, completely ignoring his previous comment as she wipes her hands on a towel. "I could close the flow instantly by using an electric current, but somehow I don't think that would be such a good idea."
"We're just grateful you are able to help at all. Maybe we can try the electric shock when you've graduated and are more experienced," suggests Obi-Wan with a wry grin, which she returns before turning back to Anakin.
"Seriously, though, why don't you ever listen to Obi-Wan? He's intelligent."
"Thank you, Sabé."
"No, really, I wasn't being sarcastic, promise! I was actually more implying that Anakin wasn't that intelligent."
"Hey! I rethent that!"
Sabé frowns at him as she hands him a cold compress. "Oh, shut up and hold this to your eye. You'll need it for the next day, and then the day after you'll need a warm one. I'm sure Obi-Wan can heat one up in the microwave, right?" At his nod, she smiles briefly and steps back, folding her arms and staring at Anakin with an arched eyebrow. "So, why exactly did Padmé feel the need to punch you in the face?"
"I've been wondering the same thing," Obi-Wan adds as he goes through the steps of brewing them some tea in the microwave. "What did you say to her?"
From the moment I met you, two weeks ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can't breathe. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do?- I will do anything you ask…
He doesn't tell them those exact words, but they get enough of it to stand there staring at him, slack-jawed. Obi-Wan's so taken aback that he burns his hand on one of the mugs that he's just heated up.
"I— oh my gosh, Anakin, that's just creepy." Sabé looks more than a little disturbed, and even takes a step back from him. "No wonder she punched you! I'd punch you! Why on earth did you think this was a good idea?"
Anakin shrugs, a sly grin on his face despite his injuries. "Becauth I love her. And she loveth me. She juth dothn't know it yet."
His friends exchange a worried glance over his head. "How can you be so arrogant?" Obi-Wan asks his roommate, frowning deeply. "This isn't love, Anakin. It's an unhealthy obsession."
Anakin scowls, but doesn't say a word, and Obi-Wan can tell that he's actually considering their words. This is good. It's a start, at least.
"Maybe you should try not being weird and, I don't know, talking to her like a normal human being?" Sabé glances at Anakin with a slight smile as she packs up her supplies. "Look, Anakin, you're a good guy. Just, take it down a couple notches, alright? Padmé's actually very sweet, believe it or not. And I think she'd like to be your friend if you dropped the macho-slash-angsty-teenager act."
The façade slips, and Anakin blinks at her out of his one good eye, hopeful. "D'ya really think tho?"
Sabé cracks a grin and nods, glancing at Obi-Wan for support, with a silent plea for him to encourage his friend, but not too much. He's much better at this sort of thing than she is; he's already known around campus as "the Negotiator", and she has the unfortunate tendency to stick her foot in her mouth.
He knows this by now, and throws her an amused smirk before taking a seat beside his roommate and resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Sabé is right. All's not lost— but you can't afford to be so impulsive and… ah, overbearing when it comes to relationships. The next time you cross paths, be polite and offer your friendship. If she turns you down this time, accept her answer and move on. Now…" He stands and steps back towards the countertop, where there are three mugs awaiting them. "Before you go, Sabé, would you care for a cuppa?"
It's not spying, exactly.
Sabé calls it "making sure Anakin doesn't die and Padmé doesn't feel the need for violent self-defense again". Obi-Wan calls it "eavesdropping for the sake of everyone's safety and sanity".
(They're not on a date, either. Yes, there's two of them, and yes, Sabé would like to— ahh, no, best not get into that today.)
What they're actually doing?
Well, for lack of a better term… Okay, yes, they're spying on their friends.
But, as Sabé points out, it isn't entirely their fault; they're in the campus cafeteria, along with what looks to be about half the student body, and neither of them expected for Padmé and Anakin to run into each other in the home-cooked meal line, of all places.
It's Obi-Wan who notices them first, from their booth several feet away; he inhales sharply and subtlely gestures for Sabé to look behind her. The problem with this is that, though she tries, Sabé is rarely subtle, and her cry of, "Oh, holy crap!" garners them some unwanted attention from several other students.
Obi-Wan facepalms before taking a much-needed sip of tea. There are times when he wishes that his almost-brother and his good friend weren't quite so similar. "Thank goodness they're too oblivious to realize we're watching them," he comments, nodding at where Anakin and Padmé are grabbing their lunches, still talking animatedly.
That's the thing: Anakin and Padmé are talking.
And there's no sign of pepper spray, no indication that any awful pickup lines have been dragged up from the dark pit they belong in.
What's more, Padmé is smiling up at him, and says something that makes Anakin grin widely; they share a laugh, take their trays and head to a secluded corner of the cafeteria, far away from the friends they were originally supposed to meet up with.
Sabé blinks at their retreating figures, then takes a contemplative bite of a French fry. "Did… did they just ditch us? I think they just ditched us."
"I honestly didn't think they'd become friends that fast," is Obi-Wan's comment as he picks at his Caesar salad. "What with all the antagonism they've shared over the past few weeks."
"It's because of my very wise and helpful advice, clearly." Sabé's smug grin fades, her eyes narrowing as she attempts to spot wherever their friends have gone off to. The ever-growing crowd in the cafeteria quickly makes her give up the futile task. Sighing, she grabs another French fry. "So, should we be concerned that they've made a complete 180— hating each other to liking each other so much that they totally forget about us?"
"Possibly," Obi-Wan says lightly, shrugging. "But it's their friendship. We shouldn't interfere."
Sabé rolls her eyes, giving him a knowing look. "So in other words, 'yes, Sabé, we should definitely keep an eye on them', right?"
"They don't necessarily have to know we're interfering," he points out, to which she grins mischievously in response.
"Besides," he adds, stealing a French fry off of Sabé's plate when she turns to try and spy on their friends again now that the crowd of people has shifted slightly. "I have a bad feeling about this."
"What do you mean?" Sabé asks, right about the time that she catches sight of their friends huddled in a booth together, leaning towards each other and whispering with almost-identical grins of mischief on their faces. "…Oh. Look at them— they're plotting. That can't be good."
And Obi-Wan just sighs the sigh of a young man who is 100% done with this entire thing (again). "Why do I get the feeling that those two are going to be the death of us?"
For the first time (and certainly not the last), Sabé and Obi-Wan wonder if it was such a wise idea, encouraging Anakin to be himself and pursue that friendship.
Because whatever adventures and scrapes Anakin and Padmé get themselves into— their friends already know that, no matter what, they'll be right beside them.
And this budding relationship is actually the beginning of beautiful insanity.
A/N: Reviews would keep Anakin and Padmé from actually being the death of Obi-Wan and Sabé. ;) Hope you enjoyed this one-shot; it was so much fun to write!
{love, Lady Stormbraver}