Summary: Marshall's toast forces Mary to confront why she didn't tell him about the engagement, and why she even agreed to the engagement in the first place. Spoilers for several episodes and strong T for swearing.
Word Count: 1051 words
AN: The swearing might be a bit over the top, but I found it a bit appropriate. Overall, I am happy with my first IPS story.
'I love you.'
Those three words stuck like super glue in my mind. The party lasted maybe five minutes before I left, most likely unnoticed. Tears threatened to fall as I sat on the front steps of the building, starring at the engagement ring in my hands. I am U.S. Marshal Mary Shannon with the Witness Protection Program, and I am engaged to be married. If I wasn't actually living it, I'd say its the biggest pile of bullshit to walk the face of the earth. A year ago, Raph proposed to me, and I just thought it was because he was wanting to celebrate, even though I recently found out he had actually had the ring for several months before that day. Would it have made any difference if he had proposed on a different day? Probably not. I probably would have made another excuse.
When you get engaged, it's because you love someone, and you want to spend the rest of your life together, but you're too insecure to not have it actually on paper. However, if I love Raph, then why did I reject his proposal in the first place. Why did I let one simple, yet stupid, proposal turn into Hurricane Marriage? Why couldn't I have just accepted and gone back to living life like we did before. Today was moving day for Raph. Generally you love someone if you actually move in with them, especially if you are willing to move in with a former alcoholic and former druggie. Raph loved me, that much was obviously apparent, but did I love him?
He's hot, no doubt about it, and the sex is absolutely fantastic. How hard is it to love him?
Marshall's face popped into my head and once again whispered those three words.
NO!I pushed his face out of my mind and squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to hold back the tears. One, two, one second later and a third tear fell. He couldn't be the reason I couldn't figure out if I love Raph or not, could he? How should Marshall be able to interfer with that question? Did I love him instead of Raph?
'I love you.'
Did Marshall mean it romantically, or just as friends?
My smearing lipstick, and he being in complete shock and trying to kiss back without realizing what exactly I was doing.
"I'm like a keeper of this exotic animal."
He and Stan rescuing me from that basement.
His support during my mental breakdown.
His everlasting protection.
I had to force myself to stop to stop seeing the flashbacks. I now am fully aware that romantically is the way he had meant, but I am still sure that he meant it as a best friend way as well.
Why exactly did I put that ring on my finger? Why did his mother have to be so happyabout finally getting a daughter in law? Why did seeing her so heartbroken make me feel like a selfish bitch? Raph would make a good husband for whatever girl was lucky, but why was I put in this place? I'm the completely opposite of what he should have. Why would Marshall want me?
God dammit! I stood swiftly and began pacing. Couldn't that damn man leave me alone for FIVE MINUTES?
One last flashback crossed my mind before everything became terrifyingly clear. It was Marshall's face at the dinner when his brilliant mind finally understood the words I said, the words that told him I was engaged to Raph. The look of being completely shocked, and then it was only shown in his eyes, but the slight showing of disappointment, and hurt. He looked as if he had been slapped in the face, and I just now felt that sting. Somewhere in that fucked up mind of mine, I knew that Marshall loved me, and that was the reason I didn't want to tell him. The awkwardness? That was nothing. What I couldn't stand to see was that hurt. The hurt of a heart being shredded and stomped into the ground. I wanted to spare Marshall that pain, but he was so damn insistent about that damn tan line where the engagement ring should have been if I honestly loved Raph. Maybe if I honestly loved Raph, I wouldn't have been afraid of telling Marshall about the engagement.
I didn't love Raph though. The heartbroken face of his mother had haunted me when I dug the ring out of his pocket. The thought that when I got home I would see Raph's things everywhere sickened me. Marshall's confession finally showed me the light.
I despised all of the compliments that the ring got while it was stuck on Marshall's finger. It showed how much money was spent on that ring, and I'm slightly afraid to know exactly how much was spent on it and how long he saved up for that ring. Raph wants almost everything that comes with the commitment that we are careening towards, a commitment I am most certainly not ready for.
If any man was the right man for me, it's Marshall.
He's always known what I need, and how to help me get what I need. He's always let me go as fast as I want, and even helped me slow down when the time called for it. He has been with me for almost 5 years now, through thick and thin, and I know he doesn't watch my back just because I'm his partner. Tonight's realization helped me to understand this. Marshall loved me. He was my keeper, he wouldn't leave me, and he would always be there for me.
The U.S. Marshal Marshall Mann of the Witness Protection Program loved me. Me.
I'm not sure if this situation is completely clear to me, but one thing is slowly becoming crystal clear.
I love him.