A/N: I know it is not a good excuse, but please pardon the grammar mistakes within the story, I did not study any form of grammar in school. Only Nouns, verbs and maybe a little bit of conjunctions? This work is entirely fictional. For Chloe, through rain of ice and fire.
Enjoy!
She saw me.
However she did not know that I screamed her name.
Over and over again.
I was unlucky, or should I say lucky?
Lacrosse practice ended earlier than usual and I figured as much that since it was a Thursday, Shizuru would not be in the pool swimming. I showered fast, changed quickly and made my way to the library.
One had to pass the upperclassman homerooms on route to the library. It was not far from the lacrosse lockers, and since the sun was barely on its way down beyond the horizon, I made the effort to walk a little more slowly. One should take the opportunity to appreciate the scenery, Shizuru would say. I heard a clatter or two down the corridor and curiosity killed the cat and urged me to find out what created such an awkward clatter and groan.
I stepped pass the closed backdoors of my homeroom class 3-B and peeped through the curtain drawn windows that lined the empty orange sun lit corridors. Much to my surprise to find Shizuru's crimson eyes looking hazily at me.
Much to say…
Well.
There was nothing to be said.
I knew she had noticed me through the thin veil. I knew what I saw.
Vividly clear, as I could remember.
Curtains, desks and all.
Netsuro Ren's back was not just something that could be easily forgotten. It could be etched into one's mind if it was about his lean and sturdy frame. Definitely. This picture of him burned into my mind. It certainly did, since he was half-naked; chiselled back faced the corridors with a red-face, shirtless Shizuru pushed up against the wall, wrapped and …
And I just smiled.
And called out softly, to no one in particular,
'I'll head home first.'
Our fathers attended the same university course together. Our mothers were colleagues.
I use to live in a small district in the Akita Prefecture, North-west of Japan, name forgotten. Shizuru lived somewhere near the Southeast. If our parents were very good friends, it meant both families got along well together and I never asked how we met.
No siblings too.
We never talked much, but we always stuck together. We grew to become good friends, never a bother to each other. However time passed quickly when we were kids and before I knew what time could do, we were already starting to change.
When Shizuru moved to Saitama before the first year of middle school started, my family had then moved to Sendai. Visits were rare due to the buzz and hustle of the city, but someway or another, we managed to find the time to visit. The trips and visits hardly remembered.
Due to some uneventful events, my family moved again not long after and this time to Saitama. Coincidentally or not, Shizuru had since then become my neighbour.
I was enrolled to the same middle school she attended and then coincidentally -again-, or not, ended up both going to the same high school. It was probably due to the fact our middle school had an escalator system to high school.
We had regained our childhood intimacy from our younger days and nothing much changed except how she became more enigmatic than when I came to know her. Our behaviours remained more or less the same and only our height and looks told different tales.
We were in different classes, had different homeroom teachers and attended different after school co-curricular activities. She was the star of the swim team since young and I was the not-so-good in the lacrosse team, likewise, we were different, very different, yet I saw we were alike in such simple small ways.
Shizuru enjoyed being by herself than be stalked or herded by groups of adoring admirers; a rare gem amongst the coal. She spent her free time reading in the library than join the other girls in her class that stared outside their homeroom windows to watch the boys in their soccer practice. Shizuru preferred to eat on the roof of the school block than in the canteen where she knew that herds of students would be watching her every action.
She preferred to be alone and stay alone, as did I.
Yet, awkwardly I did not know why she rather be alone with me than be by herself.
Was not being alone just being by yourself?
It started in the first quarter of our first year in high school; I bumped into her while I was on my way to the roof to dry the jerseys that my club manager had forgotten to take out of the wash. She accompanied me during lunch period and she waited until I was done before we broke into our meals. I had asked her why when I sat down with her under the summer shade that was cast by the rails surrounding the perimeter of the roof.
The diamond, criss-cross shape beautiful on the rugged tiles.
Shizuru opened her lunch box while I opened the plastic wrap to my dried rice cake. She poked the egg rolls her mom had made with her chopsticks and looked across the roof where the jerseys were drying under the sun. Her voice was difficult to catch through my hasty chewing, but I managed,
'Having lunch with you makes the food taste so much better.'
Really?
The comfortable silence between us always stayed the same.
I had dreams of riding a bicycle when I lived in Akita, like in the comics I read on the local bus services, but I never got to. My mother said I was reckless enough to get knocked down by a car. One day or another.
When we moved to Saitama, my parents finally agreed to my pleas on buying a bicycle. My reason? I could use it to ride to school, it would cut the commuting time and it certainly meant that I could catch a little bit more sleep before scrambling out of bed. My father bought a bicycle for me towards the end of middle school –since I was less reckless-, an affordable normal black bicycle.
Then, Shizuru use to complain that when I rode slowly along side her to school, she would have to put in the extra effort to keep up with my pace. When I quipped on why she did not want to get a bicycle too, she refused to answer and had kept her silence all the way to school. Still she silently made the effort to keep up with me.
However, there was a period where I hardly rode my bicycle too.
During that time, my black bicycle parked itself at the small porch of my house and just stayed the way it was. My parents were silently glad that I did not really cycle to school, but Shizuru was the opposite. She did have a perfectly valid excuse to complain and she did so on why I was not cycling.
It was not that I did not really want to cycle; neither did I want to not cycle… I had a perfectly valid reason too!
I was justly afraid.
Just that when I did cycle then, she would have had the guts to ask,
'Could Natsuki cycle me to school?'
I was not afraid of her. I was just afraid that when she touched me, I would not, at all, be able to move a muscle.
Now there is no one to complain.
Since Shizuru and I are neighbours, our houses are next to each other.
In simple words, her bedroom window leads to mine.
All she had to do was to step across the small partition and climb through my window. It did not really require a lot of energy actually.
I found that on the first day my family moved in, Shizuru was rapping on my room's window before I could even settle myself in. I had wondered how she had gotten there when her parents were downstairs at the porch getting reacquainted. She had then showed the way to get to her room to mine. It did wonders, so it seemed then.
Some nights there would be tapping on my window and in the end, eventually, I kept my window open so she could easily enter as I could to hers. Always complaining about how untidy my room was because I twitched at how neat her room stayed. Well to be fair, my room was labelled as cluster chaos and hers, just irritatingly tidy.
Some tidying would be done but I always kept my hands away from her things the only object I did touch, in someway, was her bed.
Nothing rated.
That was for sure.
Shizuru would spread herself on my bed during her study breaks or when silence was the only company in her house. Her parents, much like mine, were always out.
I had a PlayStation in my room but she rather worm around in my unmade bed than play with the games I willingly offered to her to play. No one dared touched it, since I stared down anyone who tried. Shizuru, seemingly, was the only exception I made.
On the other hand, I would sit on her bed spread and read a magazine whenever she needed my company over, whenever she needed someone to tease about, or when she just wanted to talk about on how the math teacher picked on her. However, mostly silence was all that engulfed us as she would sit at her table, do her work and get accustomed to my aloof presence.
During summer nights and like all sleepovers girls and boys had, Shizuru would invite herself into my room with her pillow and crawl uninvited into my bed, crushing me while I tried to sleep. It became a routine after two weeks when she first started and I realised that she was not going to stop until summer was over. Eventually, I gave up on trying to chase her back to her own room even though it made my room even stuffier as the house had no air conditioning.
Shizuru was a heavy sleeper then and she surprisingly moved around a lot. I was nudged roughly in the stomach during the first sleepover and I woke up with a few bruises. The next night, I slept on the floor after she fell asleep on my bed. She complained the next morning upon finding me on the floor. I had then rolled onto my back to ask her why she wanted me on my bed with her when she psychically chased me off.
Shizuru looked at me from the side of my bed and folded the sheets,
'You chase all the nightmares and bring me the sweetest dreams.'
I think I do get her nightmares.
Do I?
My small smiles always go unnoticed.
Shizuru drags me all the way down to Tokyo, Shibuya, Saturdays, fortnightly.
It was her shopping day.
Shizuru's Saturday Shibuya Shopping.
And it was consumingly expensive on my train pass.
However, I did not once complain since she always went out with an alarming amount of energy and I benefited from the free lunches. I get woken in the early morning with her usually walking straight into my room via the window, sometimes the door, and pulling off my covers in a single swift sweep. I hate it when people do that and Shizuru knew that better than anyone else, but somehow she could tolerate my grumpy mood and drag a reluctant me down to the train station.
More shopping time was spent during the winter than in the other seasons, why winter? From morning to night, how can that seemingly be possible?
For Shizuru, it seemed nothing was impossible.
Sometimes during cold days, she would go gloveless while moving through the streets. I always worried for her, and when her fingers do turn red, I usually end up offering to hold her hands. Certainly after a while, it takes effect and when her hands eventually warm up, she brims with newfound happiness. Every step with a bounce.
When I grumpily lecture her about her unusual habit or forgetfulness, her grip tightens. She would give a chuckle and say,
'You bring the summer, don't you?'
Certainly, I was born in the summer.
But does that also mean I bring along the heat?
It stays warm until we part at our respective houses and her touch lingers, growing like a flame.
During school breaks, Shizuru would have her swimming practices in the school pool and she would be sometimes be assigned with some other swimmers the duty of cleaning the pool after all the swimming activities were done. With that, she, as expected, would drag a reluctant me, once again, to accompany her. Sadly during these times, I do not get any free food, and in the end, I always end up helping her.
In one or two occasions they would drain the pool of the water and scrub the walls. I would brush quickly in vain to avoid the sprays of water that Shizuru and the others would be playing with. She had drenched me from head to toe once and I was sure there was never going to be the end of it. Cleaning usually finished by the late afternoon and she would always try to drag me down into the blue.
One way or another, we would end up sitting by the pool with popsicle sticks in hands, which mine would not get surprisingly stolen away by Shizuru, much to my dismay. We would sit on the baby blue floor; sometimes quietly bring up the most random things until purple painted the sky. Shortly after we would make our way home with the rest.
I had asked her once, when she came out of shower, fresh and clean from scrubbing the pool area, why she enjoyed swimming. Shizuru thought for a while as I gestured her to start walking out through the school gates. The other clubs and their members heading back as well. I had thought she had forgotten the question as silence hung over us all the way down to the road junction. She had then grabbed my hand and tugged me to walk a little faster, smiling,
'Maybe it's because I feel free in a world surrounded by water.'
Oh.
At least that was one answer she did not relate me with.
Then the question shot back.
Why I enjoyed being in the lacrosse team?
It was true I was not the star like Shizuru was in the swim team. I was just like any other that waited for their turn during competitions. Yes, I gave the maximum amount of effort I could even though I knew that I would not be a top player in the team. Then again, why was I in Lacrosse when I knew I would be doing better in other activities like aikido, kyudo, or even kendo?
Did I really enjoy being in that sport?
I had kept awfully quiet all the way home, not because I did not know how to answer, or did not know the answer. I just did not know how to put it out correctly. Shizuru did not push on; seemingly because she knew the way things were or just something else Shizuru thought about.
Then again, recently I stumbled onto the right words and found that it was right under my nose since that questioning moment. It was not a simple answer like Shizuru's. Even so, if I returned to give my answer, it will fall meaninglessly on her ears.
Yet, if back then I had realised why, I would have convincingly said,
'I enjoy learning how catch and maybe one day, I would be able to reach out and safely catch you.'
Maybe one day, after so much that has happened.
There was a summer trip, once, during our first year of high school if I recalled correctly; Shizuru had brought me down to Kosagawa beach located back in Akita. As usual, I was dragged out of my house and tugged all the way down to the station where we took an Express train all the way up to sea. We left very early in morning and I slept on the way there, unknowingly falling asleep on a man's shoulder, making that the butt of all jokes and teases Shizuru threw at me that day.
The rainy season prior to summer that year was heavier than usual, so it somehow blessed us with good sunny weather. That, on the other hand, Shizuru said she had tied more than one teru-teru bouzu outside of her room balcony the night before and prayed to have fine weather. I laughed, so it seemed.
The beach was filled with a decent amount of people that we did not need to fight for a place to lay out our mats. Shizuru had the habit of changing without privacy so I had to force her to stop stripping herself down before she caught on a crowd. I had dragged her to the changing rooms and locked her in a cubicle until she had finished changing; luckily I had the lame excuse that I need not change for I had my period.
She fussed about that bleeding problem the whole morning; I still wondered how I slept through it.
I had insisted she wear the one piece than the two-piece, but she never listened to my pleas and came out shinning even brighter that she attracted the crowd of boys faster than I expected. Being star in swim team was good, but having the looks to fit the role was the death of me.
I had excused myself to get some drinks and returned to find Shizuru wandering off only God knew where.
I searched high and low and decided if I stayed at where we had kept our things, she would eventually come back. I had then spent the next few hours soaking in the sun, luckily to have creamed on a good layer of sun block or else I would have ended up like a lobster. When Shizuru did not return for while, I rolled up my sleeves of my shirt to check whether any of the boys from earlier had taken her away.
None of them wanted to taste my fury, as it seemed, running away quite eagerly at the sight of me.
Eventually I found Shizuru at the drink stall, talking quite heartily with the old stall vendor. She appeared to be enjoying herself like she had always been when she was alone. I decided not to disturb her and returned to our spot. Later after spending another few hours trying to build a sand castle with a few kids that found my hair colour oddly beautiful, I could feel Shizuru's gaze on me, distant.
She looked happier than usual but then again, lost in some way.
When the sun was setting, and the sky blazing with orange and lavender, I realised that Shizuru looked more tired than I and suggested that we head back like everyone else. Yet she insisted that we stayed a little longer and soon pleaded that we stay a night at the nearby inn. However watching her struggle to stay awake while we walked along the breaker, I carried her on my back and managed to take the last local bus service to my relative's house nearby.
On the bus ride there, she slept on my shoulder and I asked her when we reached my relative's house on why she insisted to stay the night near the beach. Shizuru had leaned her head onto my shoulder and murmured before drifting off to sleep again,
'Another day with you would make summer longer.'
Even though I was born as a summer child.
I could not do that.
I could not get that.
Even though how much I wanted to.
Shizuru had the awkward tradition ever since our first setsubun as neighbours. Throwing beans at me to her meant she would be chase away the demons away from me. It seemed to me like she was chasing me –the demon- away. Nonetheless, it was hilarious and fun to play along, to see Shizuru act like a child, immature and unrefined. The only issue I complained about were the beans that littered my room after everything was done.
It was no surprise that Shizuru stayed over for the night. The surprising thing was that during the seasonal change of winter to spring of our second year, I had found that she was not the heavy sleeper like she was, but still, light and peaceful. It was a change since she would always be able to catch me and force me to stay on the bed with her when I decided to move to sleep on the floor.
I complained, but as strong willed and stubborn Shizuru was, I always ended up being crushed by her side as she lulled herself to sleep with a soft hum of contentment. I would find myself falling asleep only after she had done so and I would wake up with her loosely tucked against my body and breathing in a rhythm of content.
I found it strangely contenting too.
Maybe because it was Shizuru… like everyone said.
I had then asked her again why she wanted me on the bed with her. That time while she stood adjusting her school tie, she turned and passed me a brief smile,
'It feels as if you would disappear the moment I lose sight.'
Disappear.
I do not think I would disappear at all.
Unless someone wanted me to.
During second year, Shizuru's homeroom class was next to mine and she came over to my class every break to talk to me, giving the excuse that I would be sitting at my desk and minding my own business. I like to mind my own business, unlike Shizuru who sometimes made her way into other people's business, whether she liked it or not.
Her friends in her class had asked her countless times, when I had pushed myself to wait for her outside her class instead of her coming for me; why bother talking to someone who did not even want to talk. It was not that I did not want to talk; sometimes there was nothing to talk about.
Shizuru's response would always be that same small smile and light chuckle,
'Her presence is comforting.'
Am I that satisfying?
I relished in those words.
There was always the annual spring cultural school festival held in the first semester of school. Every student had a part to play since everyone, that meant the public, was invited. Shizuru and I were already in our second year, so we needed not to depend on our seniors to help us organise and sort out the logistics. Shizuru's class decided to sell mini handcrafted objects which they, themselves were going to make. My class on the other hand…was well, much more disorganised and uncooperative. The boys in my class wanted the girls to set up the all time favourite maid café, whereas the girls in my class wanted the boys to do a host club; which they seemingly did not realise were both already being done by our seniors.
In the end, after much quarrelling, my class decided to set up a fortune telling booth which they had forcibly volunteered me as one of the fortune-tellers. Being forced, was not volunteering.
During the festival, I was dressed up with a turban that made my head feel weirdly uncomfortable, and a huge cloak that covered my school uniform underneath. All I did then was to sit in the dark lit tent in my class and make up lies in that either crushed or gave hope, in front of a remote controlled crystal ball.
It was fun.
Well sort of.
I felt terribly guilty after that.
Though we ran on shifts, I was unable meet up with Shizuru and buy at least a thing or two from her class stall. Everything was hectic so I decided that after everything was over, and when everyone was packing up, I would take the chance to slip out to surprise her. In the end, like always, she surprised me when she appeared at the bins when I was throwing away the trash.
She handed me a beaded hand bracelet that matched hers and twirled around happily, saying that it was a gift. I joked along with her as she accompanied me back to class that maybe I would have her future told for giving me something she put in so much effort to create. I had still thought she was joking when she asked me,
'What about my relationship with you?'
I replied with ease without much notice that her eyes lingered on me throughout the conversation. I said,
'It will last forever.'
Would it?
Will it?
Summer like Shizuru always said to me, was all about love.
Was it always all about love? It was and is still kind of awkward.
Usually towards the end of spring, Shizuru would drag me to see whether the watermelons were on sale. They were not my favourite fruit, but well said that they were the best fruit to gain refreshment from during the hot summer period. The only problem I had with watermelons was that they were very -extremely- heavy, especially when Shizuru always bought the heaviest and the largest that were on sale.
To carry it all the way back home from the street market under the scorching sun was not nice at all.
But to have it eaten after all the hard work; that was the best.
We usually ate the slices on the back road that faced the high walls of the other houses; it was the best place to enjoy the shade and the sun on Saitama. On days that we ate watermelons, Shizuru, at night, would bring out sparklers and light them up and see them cackle away until they died off with small soft flick. The flame of her sparkler would not last long and I would always hear her cheering them on to stay alive until the end.
I would content myself to lying on the veranda of her house, fanning myself, and listen to her voice and the distant shrills of the cicadas. There was once I picked up a sparkler and joined her in the garden. As she cheered on the flame that burned golden, I had asked her absentmindedly about the love that summer was all about. I watched my spark carry on until the end and Shizuru reached out to light another. She smiled as the flame brought a warm glow to her face,
'It comes from everything, even from the biggest form to the smallest.'
I took summer classes in my second year and Shizuru being one of the top fifteen students teased me endlessly about how I had to take extra classes to catch up with whatever I was lacking at. I had lacrosse practice after that so it made me even more exhausted than I usually would be; the summer heat drains everything. Shizuru had swimming practice on alternate days during the week, so on the days that she stayed back, she waited up and walked back with me.
There was once where swim practice for her ended late and I checked up on her by the fence that separated the pool from the track. She was still in the pool doing a few laps with a few of her team mates and I realised even though having watched her swim before, Shizuru swam swiftly like a swordfish. Her strokes smooth and clean, elegant yet powerful and strong.
I was caught staring by her team and I noticed that one of them shot back harshly at me. A good-looking boy, tall and well built. He looked like an upperclassman; I had then feared of going near him. When Shizuru pulled out from the pool, everyone around her joked and laughed; he was the only one that did not. I felt somewhat uneasy and gestured to the direction of the entrance of the school with my lacrosse stick.
Shizuru clearly understood what I meant, sliding a wave at me.
In turn, I quickly left the fence.
His gaze was not anywhere near welcoming like the rest.
Shizuru did not take long and we left the entrance when the sun was setting. She had tugged onto my free hand and led me down the road. I had wondered what had put her in such a good mood and I asked her when we were walking down the stretch down to our houses. The sky was violet, washed in her favourite colour and Shizuru pinched me hard on the cheeks for no reason and ran off down to her house.
She grinned at me and waved as she opened the door,
'I could not agree better!'
To what could she not disagree?
Until now it still lingers…somewhat.
Then, I did not know how to cook, so much like my father, just that I enjoyed food more than he did. My mother was the only one that knew how to cook in the house, so my father and I relied on her for the meals, or we would be seen eating instant noodles from the cup, ordering takeout or eating out. There was once, my father had called home to say that he had a dinner function to attend to and my mother had called no later to say the same thing, and I was to get something for myself.
I was sure they were waiting for me to blow up the kitchen.
That day, Shizuru came over to pass me back my files and found me preparing to boil water for some cup noodles. At that, she stopped me and pushed me over to her house where she too was eating by herself. Her parents were not in town for the week and I wondered if I could had survived on takeout and instant noodles for such a period. I thought that I would have died if such a thing ever happened.
Blowing up kitchens.
I joined her for dinner at the table and I, for the first time, realised how she could cook wonders though how simple the meal was. When we had finished, I stayed behind to help her clean the dishes after going through her pleading that I returned and finish whatever I needed to do. Luckily, I had nothing to do. I complimented her on her cooking and in a rare moment, I saw her face turn red.
She laughed softly and smiled,
'I would cook for you even if you did not need me to.'
Then I would eat until she finds a need to stop.
Was it then that I realised why my stomach ached?
I use to enjoy autumn like everyone who did not oppose it. Then again, near the end of summer in my second year, I had said to myself that autumn was the season I was never ever going to look forward to.
Childish.
But it always brought in the dead feeling that something terrible was going to happen.
Back then, it rarely rained during the autumn and sometimes it turned cold out there despite anything, morning or night. On the other hand, Shizuru enjoyed autumn as much as summer, winter and spring; well, that made up all the seasons. She had told me there was no reason behind it; simply because I was with her every season, here or there. She was my neighbour and schoolmate; that was a fact.
However, for me, I just could not look forward to it.
Seemingly so, it duly reminded me of someone that got in my way.
Or maybe…
Or maybe then he had more guts than me to say,
'Would you go out with me?'
Most of the girls in school would swoon at his maturity, most of the boys were his friends; the teachers were always elated when they mentioned his test results.
I did not really know about that.
Only then did I really know about his existence, or who he was.
He was the school's sort of Mister Perfect. Indeed, he had dazzling teeth and a good body that all the girls drooled over at the sight of it. He was not an exhibitionist; he just happened to be since he is in the swim team for all what is worth. Well, he joins in Aikido training too, helps out in the Student Council and soon as a pair of helping hands in the lacrosse team…
I had not prayed for a person like that breathing beside me.
Shizuru need not to tell me she had gotten a boyfriend when apparently the whole school screamed it out to me. I was not the first to know and it hurt, quite a deal. Then again, who was I? I realised I was just Natsuki, Shizuru's neighbour, her very good friend since childhood. Not her boyfriend.
Yes, I did hear him ask her out, but I did not know why I did not bother to stay to hear her answer.
It was after school practice, once again, I had ended early and headed to the pool fence to catch Shizuru; whether her training had ended or not. When I arrived with my lacrosse stick and all, I caught sight of her standing by the poolside, body still in swim attire. She was caught up in a conversation with the same lean looking boy who had stared me down me previously and she did not at all seem uncomfortable.
Maybe it was just my eyes.
Or that I was still under the influence by his impression that summer day?
I had wanted to call out to her but the rustle of the early autumn winds managed to bring his sweet words for her to me. I had dropped my lacrosse stick then and I did not know why my fingers had decided to go loose. The clatter caught Shizuru's attention in a flash and so did it to the boy. Shizuru had locked her eyes on me and I trembled there for a second.
I picked up my stick clumsily and gestured to the school entrance as usual and walked off dumbly knowing that they knew I had overheard their conversation. Yet, who I was to interfere. I was Natsuki.
Summers ago, Shizuru had looked at me from my bed when I sat on the floor fixing my model kit and said,
'After all, you're my Natsuki.'
I was, I think, years back.
That was so long ago.
When the summer sky seemed so far away.
I did not know why Shizuru had decided to call me out, well, right on a day when he had asked her and only her.
His name.
Netsuro Ren.
Upperclassman.
Though he and I were of the same year.
A complex that I had grown to call him even when I talked to Shizuru about him. Calling by his name just did not seem right, maybe it never will. I did not want to try either. Shizuru had woken me up by coming through the window again, throwing off my covers and tugging me up. The only thing she did not do as usual was to sit on me when I refused to budge an inch. I found that quite surprising, well maybe not, since Upperclassman was outside and would probably hear my yell if she did so.
Yet, she still dared to act that he was not there when we walked down Shibuya that shopping Saturday.
I managed to free myself from her scrutiny and nudge her over to him, where he automatically acted as what was to be. However what was still weird was that she kept her gaze lingering on me even though I was the lamppost of the day. I was able to sneak out on the both of them during lunch and I made my way to an arcade centre, only about a few minutes later to find both of them frantic and her eyes in search for me.
Maybe, I should not had done that so abruptly.
The day went by quite awkwardly, I was placed in a weird position since I had another pair of curious eyes on me; it was not at all pleasant.
I think it was since then that Shizuru suddenly became a different girl I use to know and her words made things seem even weirder than what usually was.
Upperclassman had left to take the bus back to his house than sending Shizuru back home; a reason she did not tell me. I protested a little, but then again when I had realised what I was saying was out of context, I had asked myself, where did I stand?
I was certainly not cooperative throughout the day.
Instead of heading back after he had left, we circled around Shibuya station before hopping onto a train back up north. The train back up to Saitama was packed- unusually -, and within the sardines of suits and uniforms, Shizuru suddenly embraced me fiercely and breathed into my neck,
'If only you were there.'
I was.
Was I not?
Winter was Shizuru's season and it was the coming Saturday that was her birthday.
Saitama was to be colder than Tokyo for the next few days and I had wondered whether it was a good enough idea to bring her for shopping on Saturday than she bringing me. I had thought about it on Friday, but certainly; my plans were foiled by Upperclassman. What could I have said? He was the boyfriend. I went back home alone after school, leaving Shizuru with him to walk way in front of me; out of my vision.
I already had a numb feeling within my body and had the premonition that I was going to get a fever. Shizuru had noticed that I was a little pale during lunch but I waved it away, hoping that it would not make her concern for me rise another level. Winter was not always my best buddy; summer was, yet in so little ways. Neither friend nor foe. When I reached home, I had found a note from my mother saying that dinner was in the oven and my father had left in the afternoon for business in Italy.
Home, all to myself.
Time was quick on its feet that day and I made it pass dinner on my own, safely. By the time it had struck nine, I was starting to get dizzy, but knowing myself for being a stubborn head, I pushed myself to go out to get a can of warm coffee from the vending machine down the road corner. I had left the house in only my sweater and came back feeling a little light in the head.
And there I went crashing when my mother came through the door.
I had thrown up on the couch and it was a terrible mess so to speak, having given it a new colour than its usual warm grey. I went down with a high fever and my mother had rushed me to my room, a trail of vomit on the stairs, a puddle after each other. I think I gave the house a whole new interior décor that night. As my mother suspected, I had come down with the usual stomach flu. I was the first person my parents would think about if one had to know who had the worst dressing sense, not fashion, but sense.
I should have worn my coat instead of only my sweater.
But then, should it not have been enough?
I guessed not.
My mother had left a small pail beside my bed that night, and I certainly used it frequently. Having emptied my stomach from food, all that was left to throw up were my gastric juices. The night did not pass as much as I wanted to. It was a nightmare, but indeed the blame was on me for being such an idiot. Apart from that, I kept my window unlock, hoping that Shizuru would notice that my lights were not on when the night had just started. However, I think I had expected too much from her.
I managed to sleep through Saturday on an empty stomach, knowing that I would only throw up if I ate something. My mother had left a lot of fluids for me to drink and by the time I had finished the last bottle of Pocari she had bought for me, it was already night. I had to eat something and when I was able to manage to swallow a spoon of porridge without throwing it back out, it was already Sunday.
Oh.
I had not even wish Shizuru a happy birthday.
That was certainly a first for me.
I was exhausted to the bone and I knew I did not need to worry about doing any abdominals for the next few training sessions; vomiting was certainly helpful, in just an awful way. My mother had piled layers and layers over me, keeping me warm enough for another night. The small pail was left there for emergency and I had left my window unlocked again.
I did not know what time it was, but I was sure it was still night. My room lights were off, and I did not know whose hand exactly it was that was pushing the hair on my sticky forehead to the side. I had thought it was my mother checking on me but when my nose caught onto Shizuru's scent, I manage to croak out her name.
It sounded awful, but oh well.
At least I was being polite.
Shizuru had moved slightly to side and with the sleepy vision of mine, I could not really grasp onto her features. However, I knew that it was Shizuru and she was more than worried for me. The fatigue was overwhelming and I had closed my eyes when she started to stroke my hair once again. I heard movement beside me and in the next instant I felt something warm press onto my closed eyes.
There was this fuzzy feeling that was left lingering there.
Something airy and light.
I did not know what it was.
Just that Shizuru did something I did not know.
Silence was our companion that night and I was drifting in and out of sleep, realising that Shizuru was still there beside me. Before I fell back into endless darkness, I had passed her weak smile and wished her happy belated birthday. At that, all she said was,
'As long as you are here to bring me back.'
I did not get that, as usual, but…
I would be and will always.
Even if she did not want to return.
Yet, to where, would she return to, was pressing me.
It had been quite some time since I had last taken a ride on my bicycle.
I hesitantly picked it up again and cycled to school.
I had enjoyed the breeze and the click-clack sound when I pedalled.
I had…
I had eaten steamed eggs with a bowl of rice and drank piping hot miso soup before I left the house.
And behind me when I took off…
Well, there was no one actually.
Only me with unsaid words.
Only me.
Shizuru would come by the field from time to time after school had started after spring break into our third year. The girls and boys in the team envied me, since she requested to see me. Then again, when she saw me, and when I saw her. I knew whom she really came for.
Upperclassman.
He had joined the lacrosse team as expected. As predicted.
I thought I had prayed. Well, maybe the phantom that I prayed to just could not put my prayers into action. Nonetheless, I accepted it. What more could I do? I am a girl and he a boy. I am a friend; he is the boyfriend. Sometimes, I wished that the world could be fair for just a fraction and maybe things would be smoothed in a more acceptable way.
Then again, the world was always unfair.
Like how the four seasons are.
So unfair to each other in so many different ways.
Accepting it just makes things easier.
I think it does.
Conflicted.
Upperclassman knows that when I approach him after being called away to the fence, he knows that it is his turn and I accepted it. He is not cocky, that I appreciate. He is not arrogant, that I respect. However, he is ignorant, and I dislike that. He thanks me when I walk by him to the field and I know he sees through the indignant face I put up for him, but he does not seem to care, he does not ask. He only tends to ask me one specific question,
'How is Shizuru?'
How can I answer when all I do is walk up to the fence, give a small smile, share pleasantries, a nod and turn the next moment when I reach there. It is like taking a stroll to a dead end, to only reach the dead end and turn around to retrace my steps. All in all, when he asks that, I would just give something noncommittal and walk away from him as he walks closer to her. She had never once stopped to look at me when I practiced, neither did I to her. At least we still waited for each other after practice. It was still the same routine, just that when I met up with her, I would find myself cycling a pace faster in front of them.
To be polite.
I did not want to be a lamppost that overhears all talk.
An unlit lamp is much better than a lit lamp when not used.
Shizuru came by once again, it was a Thursday; she did not have swimming practice. Upperclassman was not around; he had Student Council activities to help out in. Why was she here, that was what I was wondering about the most when the girls called out to me that Shizuru was at the fence.
I went up to her, but this time I could not just turn away a moment later; that was certainly impolite. I had settled my lacrosse stick to the side to me like always and stood quite a comforting distance from her. I gave a small smile since I did not know what to do and moved my weight around on my legs, hoping that she would be able to take notice that I was not feeling any way near easy having her being here without a reason.
However, she just simply looked at me. Was this what she did with him?
I did not really think so.
I stood there in front of her for quite some time that I realised we did not utter a single word during the break I had took. I heard my coach's whistle from the field and when I gave her one more smile saying that I had to leave to get back to practice. Shizuru pressed herself closer to her fence and she passed me that rare smile that I use to get summers ago. It looked as if it was forced, but underneath, I knew it at least meant something.
She said something normal for the first time then,
'You should return.'
I think I will.
I waved my hand at her and took off feeling more than fine.
I was not in the same class as Shizuru in third year, and she was no longer the company I had during lunch. Did I need her company? I had more or less made my own company, among the clouds on the roof.
The roof access was given to all, but I did not know why no one wanted to go up there. It was refreshing; it certainly was worth a lunch with a seventy-yen pork floss bun in hand. I had left my classroom after noticing after a few days into the new school term that Shizuru was not going to come in looking for me, neither was she in her class waiting for me.
The sparrows were part of my company on the roof too.
Then along came a spider.
A freshman, first year student, Yuuki Nao.
A lovely girl, sort of.
Then came the dragon.
A third year, like me, in class 3-E, Tokiha Mai.
I had quite a company.
The dragon was as vibrant as ever, I had thought of her of more like a phoenix. Her spirit never wavered and she breathed a sort of fire that warmed the heart even at the weirdest and awkwardness of times. The spider was lethal but she had her good side, like a little spoilt sister that whined to me every time she had the chance.
Unusual company.
Yet, I think it was worth the change.
I had asked them why they came up to the roof to eat with me than in the classrooms or the canteen. The dragon and the spider had looked at each other and then glanced at me and each of them gave me their answers in their own unique way, but they had both meant the same thing. Mai had leaned back onto her hands and looked up into the white clouds that drew the sky, while Nao blew into her empty orange juice carton,
'Having lunch with some company makes the food taste a little bit sweeter.'
Really?
Oh.
I had thought I had heard the same thing Shizuru had said to me.
Was it?
I think it was.
There was no difference was there?
No difference.
Somehow I felt happy; even if it was just for a while and then it hurt the rest of the day.
Outside our school, there were rows of ginkgo trees.
Their leaves in shape of an umbrella if one held it up to the sun. The corn yellow colour giving off the most childish aura that always made me want to revert to the little girl I was back in Akita. Then again, where was Shizuru when I wanted to do so?
The rainy season had come like always, this time, bringing in more rain than I thought it could give. At least I had remembered to pack my umbrella into my bag or else I would be drenched to the bone if I had not. The day's lacrosse practice was cancelled and Shizuru had long gone back home with him. Mai had accompanied me to the Lawsons near the train station and as I closed my umbrella to put it into the rack outside, Shizuru was standing in front of me, her school sweater soaked at her shoulders and her hair sprinkled with water droplets.
Oh.
Did I just wet her?
Shizuru called out to me quietly as Mai walked in without taking notice that I was not following her in. I had asked Shizuru why she was not back home and she gave me the reason that she had seen Upperclassman off at the station. I motioned her to follow me in, the rain was getting stronger and she would get drenched if she stood out there longer. However, I realised she did not budge. She just stood there and turned to look at me walking through the entrance of Lawsons.
Mai had called out to me and came walking out of the isle holding a pack of chips. Mai gave Shizuru a hesitant nod of acknowledgment, having met for the first time. Shizuru seemed shock for a moment there and she looked faint and unsteady after. I gestured her to follow me in, but she glanced at me, reached over to take my umbrella and rushed out into the pouring rain.
Mai had exclaimed about something, but I did not catch it.
My umbrella was the colour of corn. The same mellow yellow that was shared with the ginkgo leaves. However, I did not see the yellow open in the distance.
I saw nothing.
I chuckled; Shizuru was not that foolish to go running in the rain.
I knew she was not…with me.
Without me.
Was she?
Saturdays were now quiet.
There were no more Shibuya Saturdays.
Since it had been a routine for me to go out with Shizuru every fortnight, my body would automatically wake up at the time Shizuru would come barging into me room. However, since there were no more Shibuya Shopping Saturdays with Shizuru, I would find myself on my bicycle, cycling around the neighbourhood, just to ease the boredom before coming back for lunch.
With another presence in her life, Shizuru unusually kept her windows closed most of the time and drew her curtains shut whenever night came. She had air conditioning, so I guessed as much that she slept with the air conditioning on. My room did not have one so I kept my windows open, unlocked, and drew the curtains close only when I hit bed.
It rained heavily one night and I was woken up in the middle of the night, just to close my windows. However, what surprised me was that Shizuru was closing the windows for me. She was in my room; her hair partially wet by what I could guess was the rain. She was dressed in casual shopping wear and I realised that she had just come back from shopping. Something was weird.
Why was she in my room if she just came back from shopping?
She indeed had come back from shopping. The shopping plastic bags were on my tabletop and her coat around my chair.
I had wanted to question her about how and why she was in my room at such an hour but she had shot at me faster than I expected. It had been long since I last heard her complain about how cluttered my room was. She chuckled about almost falling over my books that I had piled near my table. I managed to snap out of my confused state and reached quickly for my towel and told her she had better dry herself. She had stopped all actions and took my towel quietly.
I watched her in the dark and she sat next to me on my bed drying her hair. The questions could come later, another day perhaps. The pitter-patter of the rain became our companion that night and I decided I would not get any sleep if this awkward tension continued. I had pointed over to her bags on my table and in the next moment, she reached over for one.
All, actually.
She pulled out a dark gunpowder jacket and held it in front of me. I realised then how the shoulders fitted onto me. She had pushed it into my hands and surprisingly pulled out a few more clothes, each of them being thrown to me.
Are they for me?
I had asked.
A firm shake followed a steady nod and then she changed the topic completely before I got the chance to clarify.
She caught onto my tiredness and asked if she could spend the night here. I guessed as much, since it was raining heavily and would be dangerous to get in into her room. She could go through the front door, but I knew she did not want to get caught for coming back so late. I wondered if Upperclassman had sent her back if she came back so late. Then again, how did she get here in the first place?
Odd.
The question slipped my mind as I let Shizuru have the bed like before and I took the floor. She had changed into a sleepwear of mine and slipped underneath the covers faster than I prepared the bedspread on the floor for myself. As I wished her a good night, she gave no response and the sound of the rain engulfed us once more.
I guessed as much that she had fallen asleep right away and when I was falling off into my own slumber, I thought I had heard her apologise.
On the phone, maybe? I saw her phone with her as she hit bed, dialling an unseen number.
It was him, most likely.
I rolled quietly to the side and pulled the spare blanket to my nose and I heard her soft voice continue,
'Will you stay with me?'
I will.
I turned slightly and glanced over my shoulder. I turned back.
Saturday was quiet.
Very quiet.
Shizuru once told me summer was all about love.
It came from everything, even from the biggest form to the smallest.
From the biggest form of Upperclassmen Netsuro Ren.
To the smallest scent of sex she breathed in.
Countless times.
I screamed.
Countless times.
I screamed her name.
A/N: The story does not really take form until chapter three. It is a drag, but hold on!