Apologies

Kaidan looks up when he hears the sound of the door opening. He expects another nurse or a doctor, but there she stands. Jane Shepard – Spectre, Commander of the Normandy and also the woman he loves.

"Hey Kaidan. "

He smiles at her, even if it still hurts a bit. "Hey Shepard. "

She sits down in the chair next to his bed. "You doin' okay?"

"Yeah. I can't wait to get outta here but the doc says it won't be long."

After hearing this, she looks a bit less worried. "Well, that's good. You were nearly killed on my watch. That was terrible." His heart skipped a beat hearing this. She was worried. She still cares.

"And what about you? I know nearly nothing of what's happening outside this hospital room."

She looks out of the window. "The Reapers are attacking Palaven. The Turians are fighting, but I think they can't last very much longer."

He remembers what she told him at her last visit. She and Garrus...

"Have you heard something of Garrus? Is he okay?"

At the mention of the Turian she begins to smile. "He is back on the Normandy." Well, that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He is still a bit jealous, even if he is pretty sure, that Garrus is no concurrence to him. "Glad to hear he's okay." Well, that's not entirely the truth but no complete lie either. "Shepard, I just want to make sure, that... after what happened on Mars... Are we okay?"

She looks at him sceptically with these gorgeous, green eyes he always admired. "I don't know Kaidan, are we?"

He bows his head and looks at his hands. "Shepard. I'm sorry I didn't trust you and... That I thought you were still with Cerberus. And I'm sorry for what I said on Mars. I... I should have known better." When he looks up again, she smiles. This time not at the thought of Garrus, but at him. "Apology accepted." Well, when he's already apologizing he can also continue. "Look, Shepard. I'd like to move past what happened on Horizon..."

With the mention of Horizon she stiffens up and he can see something in her eyes. Fear or maybe anger. "Kaidan, I don't want to..."

"No, Shepard, please listen. I own a lot of that. You were standing right in front of me and I was... I let you down. I'm sorry."

"Okay." Well, that doesn't sound very enthusiastic. "Okay. So let's put it behind us and get on with what's important right now. Forgiveness. I think that's how we get past Horizon." He can see she's avoiding to look at him and he grabs her hand. She seems to be uncomfortable with it but she lets him. "I just wanted to you to know that for me there hasn't been someone else. I still care." She tries to pull her hand away from him, but he keeps hold of it. „I understand why you cheated on me. I really do and I'm not angry. I still... I still love you, Jane. " That's the moment she fiercely pulls her hand away from him and the blue light of her biotics start to flare around her. She closes her eyes for a moment to regain control and the blue fades, but when she opens her eyes again, they are filled with rage.

„What? Say that again, cause I surely misheard you! Cheating? You dare to call it cheating? On Horizon I wanted to explain everything to you and you didn't even bother to listen what I was saying. You told me you loved me. Loved. Past tense. "

„Shepard, I…" She pushes the chair back to the wall and is now towering over him.

„Keep your mouth shut, Kaidan! You said I betrayed you and you turned your back on me! I begged you not to go, told you, that I needed someone to watch my back, someone I can trust. I told you, that I love you. And still you turned your back on me and walked away. I was grieving for weeks. Hoping for a sign from you. And all I got was a mail saying "When things have settled down a little... maybe... I don't know... just take care" and that you didn't know who I was anymore."

He can't remember the last time he saw her that angry. "You still know what I wrote?"

"I remember every fucking word! How couldn't I? You broke my heart on Horizon! I wrote you so many messages and waited for an answer. Then I got one and when it started with "I am sorry." I got a little hope. Only to have it crushed again." She turns his back on him.

"Shepard, listen. I'm so sor..." He reaches out to touch her shoulder but she spins around before he can.

"Shut up, Alenko!" She called him Alenko, that hurt. She didn't called him by his last name since the very beginning. "You spoke of forgiveness. I guess you were thinking of yourself, generously forgiving me for working with Cerberus to save colonies. For moving on. But I'm not crawling at your feet, desperately hoping for another chance. I've granted you all the forgiveness you will ever get from me, with letting Horizon remain unspoken and returning to be something like friends. Oh, wait. I guess that word is not very accurate, cause 'friend' means we trust each other."

That's not how he imagined this conversation and it seems to get even worse. "I know you are angry, Shepard. And probably you don't believe me, but I trust you now."

"Angry? ANGRY? Angry doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. If you would be uninjured right now and not lying in this hospital bed, I'd break your jaw! The whole time during the fight against the Collectors, you didn't trust me. After I gave the Normandy to the Alliance and handed myself over for the trial you didn't trust me. When I was detained and under arrest for 6 month, you were there and you were allowed to visit me, James told me that. And you didn't. After Anderson reinstated me you didn't trust me. On Mars when we fought against Cerberus you still didn't trust me! You even accused me of still working for them, being controlled by them!" During the whole outburst he didn't interrupt her. On the one hand it could be dangerous to interrupt an angry biotic, especially Shepard, and on the other hand he knew she had a point. Not once he thought of the possibility that she might not feel the same, that she wouldn't take him back.

"And now you tell me you love me and you want me back? Excuse me, but that doesn't really sound like love to me!"

Well, that was too much. He started getting angry too. He looks up to her. "But that thing you and Garrus have is?"

"Leave him out of this. This is between you and me!"

"Oh, did I hit a nerve? Well, that sounds like a fairytale. The Spectre, who returned from the dead, and the failed C-Sec Officer." He knows he is getting unfair but he was too angry to stop now. "He isn't even human! He's a fucking Turian with scars all over one side of his face!"

"Shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about him! Garrus stood by my side through everything. He didn't trust Cerberus, but he trusted me. He would walk through hell with me!" She leaves, but stops at the door. Without even turning around she says "Get well soon, Major." Then she's gone.

He screwed it up and he knows it. He will write her a message later and apologize. That's the least he can do.