My Hands
A/N: I strongly suggest you read this fic while listening (or even looping) the song 'My Hands' by Leona Lewis. The song is related to this oneshot so it would go a lot better together. I also had a seriously difficult time writing such an angst-y fic since this isn't my typical genre (in fact its my first time with so much seriousness), so forgive me if the story sounds quite dodgy.
Summary: Even all the laws of time and space couldn't hold them apart and it was their last chance to release all emotions that were kept deep inside of each other. Reunion fic.
Song suggestion: My hands by Leona Lewis.
Disclaimer: All lyrics were borrowed and they belong rightfully to their original owners. Same goes with BBC Doctor Who.
"Doctor, I have a gift for you."
Amy Pond popped behind the Doctor, leaning forward as she swayed cheekily with her hands hidden behind her back. The Doctor was reading a book when Amy had appeared. However, with Amy's presence and her sudden 'surprise', his concentration vanished and the Doctor's attention immediately diverted to Amy, eyes sparkling with anticipation.
"Ooh I love gifts!" he said excitedly, watching as Amy walked around to face him properly.
"It's not that great though, so don't think I got you something as brilliant as what you normally give me," she said as the Doctor shook his head. He eagerly stood up from his seat and approached her.
"Anything you get me would mean the universe to me," he replied seriously, giving her a warm smile in assurance.
"Well alright then," Amy surrendered as she smiled back. She pulled her hand from behind and brought it to the front and held a single blooming red rose, handing it to the Doctor as he remained stunned by her beautiful gift.
"Wow Amy, thank you," he said genuinely, carefully taking the flower as if it was the most fragile thing in the world.
"I was kind of bored at times here in the TARDIS—but don't get me wrong, I'm just referring to the times when you're busy tinkering away on something. So I went a little exploring and then I came across a greenhouse inside the TARDIS, and yes I thought, 'Blimey, this spaceship will never fail to amaze me'." The Doctor chuckled and Amy continued. "It had this small patch of roses but I didn't think it was getting the full attention it needed, so I decided to take care of it myself and eventually, it grew into something so much more beautiful than a simple rose. I guess I would have to thank the TARDIS as well for allowing me to visit that room occasionally, so…" Amy walked over to the console and gently placed another rose on it. "I think she deserves one too."
The TARDIS gave a sound of approval, resulting with Amy giggling and giving it a pat. "You're welcome," she said sweetly.
"Anyway, I think I fancy a quick shower, I'll see you later Doctor," Amy said. The Doctor reached out for a quick hug, conveying his appreciation of Amy's thoughtfulness. The ginger grinned gleefully at him before she headed off to her room.
The Doctor watched Amy disappear into her room before he walked over to the console. He picked up the rose that Amy had given to the TARDIS and gazed at the dewed petals. He brought it to his nose, slowly inhaling its scent.
Rose.
He closed his eyes and for a second, thousands of memories flooded through him. The Doctor tried to push all his thoughts back into the deepest part of his mind but they only kept creeping back up. When he placed his hand on the TARDIS, he could feel the very same sentiments that the TARDIS shared with him.
"You miss her too eh girl?" he murmured softly, finally shutting away any feelings that tried to break out.
When he dragged his feet back to the jump seat, he was suddenly hurled forward and crashed into it, thankful that the impact was softened from the cushions of the seat.
The TARDIS was dematerialising, rocking and jerking in all directions.
He heard Amy scream and then stumbling over.
"Amy you all right?" he called over the noise of the TARDIS, struggling to get back up.
"If you plan on travelling somewhere, please do so when I'm not in the shower!" she shouted back, clearly frustrated over the horrible timing of her bath and the Doctor's spaceship in motion.
"It's the TARDIS, she's taking us somewhere!"
The Doctor hastily jumped over to the centre of the console room when he had the chance, and scrambled through the controls but to no avail, the TARDIS continued to violently shake.
With one last jolt the TARDIS stopped, causing the Doctor to fly back down onto the ground.
He let out a quick huff as he heard Amy trudge into the room.
"I hope there aren't any aftershocks because I'm only wearing a bathrobe," she warned dangerously.
The Doctor turned around and indeed Amy was in a fluffy baby pink bathrobe with a towel messily wrapped around her head. She looked more haggard than before her shower.
"Oh no I highly doubt it," the Doctor reassured her, hopping back up and striding over to the console.
He began tapping on the keys and checked the monitors to see the status of the TARDIS. He clicked his tongue in disappointment and began making adjustments.
"I take that it's not a good thing," Amy added as she stood beside him, glancing up to the monitors despite not having a single clue what was written on it.
"The TARDIS' energy circuit drained but it's nothing so serious. It's already on auto-repair and it should be working back up in around ten minutes," the Doctor explained.
"Where do you think she's taken us?"
He grinned manically. "Well, there's only one way to find out!"
The Doctor hurried over to the entrance of the TARDIS turning around just before he was about to exit. "Amy I'll just have a quick peek outside. In the meantime please watch over the TARDIS and don't touch anything."
Amy pouted her lips, disappointed for being left to babysit the TARDIS while the Doctor was free to explore the great open universe; nonetheless she nodded obediently and waved at the Doctor. "Be careful Doctor."
He gave a quick smile, and then left the TARDIS.
The moment he set foot on the sandy ground, his whole world turned into a standstill.
The fogged skies, the salty breeze, the harsh freezing weather and the nostalgic lingering emotions left hanging in the air.
Dårlig Ulv Stranden.
The Doctor felt as though someone had punched him right the stomach while he stared in awe at the location he thought he would never set foot on again. He could smell the same dreaded scent, the same temperature, the same wind, the same currents and the same heart breaking sentiments he felt years ago.
When he closed his eyes to relieve any ache in him, the breeze picked up another scent and he inhaled it like it was his only source of breathing. His feet began moving subconsciously, his pace slow but eager as the scent grew stronger.
When his feet finally stopped, he opened his eyes, realising he was standing on the exact same spot he did years back.
"It's been a while, Doctor."
The Doctor gazed in silence. A blonde woman was standing in front of him, her back facing him. She had her hands tightly around her arms, signifying that she had been standing in the cold for a long time. The Doctor didn't want to believe that it was real and it was only hallucination but the figure turned around and then his breath hitched.
"Hello," the Doctor said nonchalantly, swallowing all the anxiety swarming in him.
She took a step closer and looked intently at him, studying every detail of his face, almost reaching out to touch it but she held back in mid-air and then dropping it back beside her.
"You've changed."
The Doctor feigned out a weak chuckle and replied, "Would that be a good thing?"
"I like the bowtie," she commented truthfully, clenching the hem of her jacket to hold back any temptation to touch it.
"Bowties are cool," he said automatically, smiling as she laughed.
"I see the TARDIS is doing well too," she commented while she peered behind the Doctor.
"What are you doing here Rose?" the Doctor said bluntly, all traces of laughter disappearing.
"What are you doing here Doctor?" she repeated, searching deep in his eyes as he pondered on that comeback.
"I don't know. The TARDIS took me here," he said.
"To be honest, I don't know either."
The two of them broke into laughter, neither of them amused by the obscurity of their situation. They had known enough in their life that nothing was normal for either of them, but it was a reassuring thought.
"How are you Rose?" the Doctor asked, watching Rose close her eyes and then slowly open them, masking any emotion that was begging to slip out of her.
I wake in the morning, tired of sleeping
Get in the shower, and make my bed alone
I put on my makeup, talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day, without you
"Good, good," she replied. "Tony's all grown up now. And far too active."
The Doctor chuckled but his voice sounded hollow.
"Well it's lovely to know you're doing great. At least it's good now that I'm out of your life because this body is a hundred times more childish than Tony. I bet you'd go bonkers," the Doctor joked.
And I walk steady on my feet
I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night, sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to
Keepin' you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong, cause…
Rose looked momentarily at the Doctor before she let out a chuckle. "Yeah silly. This is the defender of the Earth you're talking to; so don't expect if I rain you with attention. And speaking of defending Earth, I've been doing pretty well at Torchwood. It's getting pretty popular around the streets and we're hiring more people. Not to mention that any alien invasion we've had has always been taken care of. So yeah, I'm doing really great."
The Doctor didn't reply. He looked at Rose with so much intensity and he could see the same tiredness he had in her eyes. They were so different from before. Her irises were dark and hazy like someone had taken the life out of her.
When he was about to reply, the TARDIS distracted the both of them as it looked like it was about to dematerialise.
"You should go Doctor. Don't keep the TARDIS waiting," Rose urged, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, swallowing hard in apprehension.
"But—yeah, I guess I better get going," he said in defeat.
She smiled weakly. "Take care Doctor."
Rose reached out with more confidence this time, offering a handshake.
The Doctor took her hand, holding it a lot longer than he should have.
Rose released his hand and then the Doctor turned, slowly walking back to the TARDIS.
And then the remorse began to sink in.
He didn't say anything. With the only chance he may be offered once in his entire lifetime, he hadn't done a single thing. He felt sick for being such a coward despite believing his current regeneration would make him a better being, but in the end he was always the same, weak man he always was.
My hands don't wanna start again
My hands, no they don't wanna understand
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands, they only agree to hold your hands
And they don't wanna be without your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
When he finally reached the doors of the TARDIS, which felt like for years, a voice broke out.
"Wait!"
Rose's voice cracked and the Doctor knew she had begun to cry. He turned around.
"I'm not okay. The truth is, everyday of my bloody life I'm not okay because all I could think about is when you'd come back. But I knew it was impossible because we lived in two completely different worlds. But it hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I'd have to cry myself to sleep. I always reminded myself that time will always heal and eventually I'll move on but the truth is, everyday of my bleeding life, I can't ever, forget about you."
The Doctor stood still, his eyes in pure shock and his hearts shattered in pieces. He was utterly speechless while he watched Rose, his Rose, breaking down. They were at lengths from each other but the Doctor could see every tear that escaped Rose's reddened eyes and he couldn't take it anymore.
He pushed off the sand and he ran towards her.
Rose bit her lip and ran towards him as well.
And then he grabbed her in his arms and embraced her.
"Rose please don't cry," the Doctor whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed, unable to hold back any tears that were pooling down her face.
The Doctor gently took Rose's chin and raised it up to meet her straight in the eye.
Brown clashing with green.
Then he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers.
It was chaste but both of them we're already succumbing to longing they had desperately needed for each other. The Doctor reached for both of her cheeks and gently cupped them as Rose tightly wrapped her arms around his waist as if she feared he would suddenly disappear. When he slowly pulled away, he remained inches away from her, leaning his forehead against her's. Rose steadily opened her eyes and looked into the Doctor's and then she knew it was really the same man she had known for all these years.
"You've stopped crying," the Doctor murmured, earning a small chuckle from Rose.
"This makes it the third generation," Rose replied, feeling the Doctor arms enfold her into a protective embrace, warming her from the harsh cold.
He looked at her quizzically. "Third?"
She stuck out her tongue between her teeth. Oh the Doctor missed that.
"Don't think I don't remember Satellite five and Cassandra," she said with a sly grin.
"Oh that…," the Doctor said sheepishly. "Right ha ha. Are you on a adventure of 'kissing all generations of the Timelord' Rose Tyler?"
"This is the first time you've kissed me, without a reason like it was life threatening," Rose said seriously, lowering her head but her eyes never left the Doctor's.
The Doctor felt the urge to loosen his bowtie because it had become unnaturally tight. "Oh—well, I guess that was rather inappropriate of me but I'm pretty sure you would think it's—"
"—I love you."
The Doctor froze.
"I know you've heard it before and at the same stupid godforsaken place, but I can't hold back because… I bloody love you," Rose repeated, feeling her voice starting to crack again.
Rose reached up to whisper the very same words in the Doctor's ears and it was as if it was the most beautiful song the Doctor has ever heard of. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Rose's shoulders, his body giving out with every confession Rose chanted.
"Rose, giving you a reply with mere words wouldn't be enough to explain how much I actually feel about you," the Doctor said with a hushed tone. "Do you trust me?"
Rose looked at him with obviousness, "Of course."
The Doctor gazed into her eyes and he could see it. He could see that Rose would never leave him even if he would, which he did and standing where they were right now proved his point. He closed his eyes and brushed his fingers lightly across Rose's arms until they reached beside both of her temples. When Rose realised what the Doctor was doing and she firmly placed both of her hands on his hearts, hearing them beat faster and faster.
And suddenly Rose saw everything. All of the Doctor's memories were flooding her head and then she knew everything. All the pain and suffering the Doctor had endured for so long that it was almost unbearable to watch that she had to shut her eyes close.
And all of a sudden, the noises and scenes in her head stopped and everything was silent. Not a single sound of waves crashing or even the whistle of the wind was heard.
And then she heard it.
And she understood it.
The Gallifreyan words that Rose thought she would've never imagined ever hearing in her entire life.
The same words she had blurted out over and over.
I love you.
Rose broke out of the bond and her knees gave in, collapsing onto the ground. She hadn't realised she was tearing again as the Doctor slid down beside her. He gently caressed her cheek and then wiped of the tears off her face.
"I can't believe you had to go through that. All alone," Rose gasped, her breath heaving from the traumatic memories of the Doctor.
"No Rose," he said while shaking his head. "I had you."
She looked down and saw that they had both entwined their fingers together. The Doctor brought their hands up to his lips and lightly kissed them.
When Rose was about to fling herself onto him once more, the TARDIS broke into a fit of noises.
"Oh bloody hell," the Doctor muttered, irritated that their moment had been cut. Rose giggled in reply.
"I sense some jealousy," Rose said, glancing behind her to see her favourite blue box.
"Wait here Rose. Truth is I'm not supposed to be here but I'll just quickly pop in and stabilise it in place," the Doctor said as he stood up, her hands still entangled with his.
She nodded delightedly and released the Doctors hands.
He quickly began running back into the TARDIS, looking back to see Rose smiling the widest grin he hadn't seen in years. He grinned gleefully back at her just before he entered the TARDIS.
The noise was surprisingly a lot worse than outside and the first thing he saw was Amy smacking random buttons on the console. He hastily ran up to her and Amy barked at him.
"It's about time you got here!"
The Doctor took over and Amy folded her arms grumpily, clearly distressed about the situation.
"Amy what did I tell you. Don't touch anything!"
Amy groaned in irritation. "The TARDIS was disappearing, what else do you think I had to do? I couldn't just leave without you."
The TARDIS finally sparked and jolted, both of them tripping and tumbling over. And then it was too late. The TARDIS began to dematerialise.
"Oh no no no no no no no no!" the Doctor panicked, climbing back up to the console, desperately trying any means to make her stop.
"Doctor…," Amy said worriedly, the colours of her face draining.
"Not now Amy—"
"DOCTOR!"
He shot his head back in frustration. "What?!"
Her eyes were wide as she raised a shaky finger to point at the monitor.
When the Doctor had turned around to look at it, the world had immediately shifted to the side and the last thing he heard was Amy screaming until he finally blacked out.
Doctor. . .
Doctor wake up. . .
"Doctor."
The Doctor stirred, slowly fluttering his eyes up as his vision came to. Everything was a blur but he could make out the outlines of Amy while she slowly helped him up.
"Doctor are you alright? You gave me quite a scare," she said, watching as he shook his head.
"What happened?" he groaned, his head throbbing massively.
"You passed out. Just when you looked up at the monitors," Amy replied.
"What did it say?"
Amy looked at him hesitatingly before she spoke again.
"Bad Wolf."
The Doctor remained quiet, contemplating over her words. Amy looked puzzled at him but the Doctor abruptly stood back up and flashed a wide grin.
"Right! So where to next?" he beamed, walking around the consoles as he began plotting coordinates.
"Have you ever been to a tipsy topsy world Amy Pond? I tell you its quite brilliant and absolutely fun and no, we won't be running for our lives," the Doctor reassured her when she raised an eyebrow in suspicion.
Doctor. . .
It was that voice again.
Her voice.
He closed his eyes and replied in his mind.
Rose.
I'm sorry.
I love you Doctor. . .
"Doctor? ...Are you all right? You look like you're about to..." Amy held in that thought as she witnessed the rim of the Doctor's eyes redden, his orbs glistening from the tears that were welling up.
The Doctor shook his head and walked up to her. He ruffled her hair and smiled; recalling the very words Rose had told him in his sleep.
The Doctor replied, "Never felt better."
Doctor,
I reckoned at that moment when you entered the TARDIS that something had gone wrong. I knew that that you won't be able to return either. So please don't blame yourself again. Because this time, I'm with you and I'll always be with you.
I decided to return to Torchwood first thing and get working because I'll come back for you this time. Just you wait Doctor. One day I'll find you.
But in the meantime, please don't feel sad anymore and never feel that you are alone. Go out there and travel the universe saving lives that you're always so brilliant at.
And lastly, have a fantastic life.
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go...
End.