Because I couldn't resist. I've been giggling about how well Twilight (which I still don't like) and Mean Girls (which I love) would mix for about two years now, so I finally decided to post a crackfic.

There's no real story here. It's just. Crack. Because I'm too lazy to work on my original fiction right now and Twilight characters are so lacking in personality that I might as well have moulded them myself. :|

For the record, I assigned social statuses as follows:

Rosalie = Regina George

Alice = Gretchen Weiners

Bella = Karen Smith

because the personalities align so perfectly. :'3

Um. Flame away. XD

Jasper wasn't sure whether to be grateful or pissed off that his sister had kicked him out of the house.

On the plus side, he didn't have to hover awkwardly near the stairs, trying to socialise with kids he was positive didn't even live in the county while wishing more than anything that he could just bolt up the stairs and stick his head into a book, ostrich-style.

On the down side, he was playing courier between Rosalie and Alice. There was the positive of Alice Brandon being the most beautiful human being he had ever laid eyes on, but he wasn't sure even that made up for the terror he was feeling. Of all the Plastics, Alice was the scariest, maybe because Bella Swan was a complete ditz and Rosalie was his twin sister.

But still. Scary.

There were moments when he thought he saw some shred of humanity in her - because no one was mean like her all the way through; it wasn't possible - but they were fleeting enough that he questioned his own eyes. He held onto his faith, though. Definitely not because he was kind-of-sort-of in love with her. He held onto it because because he, Jasper Hale, for all his awkwardness, was empathetic enough to believe in anyone, even Mary Alice Brandon.

It really didn't help his cause that he, rather than his sister, was delivering her bra.

It was a quick drive to the Saunders' house, though it took Jasper an additional fifteen minutes to work up the courage to actually park the car (a good few houses away, mind you) and walk up the doorsteps, and then another two minutes to ring the doorbell.

Why wasn't Alice at Rosalie's party, anyways? She was notoriously a party girl - or as much of a party girl as one could be without drinking at all - and wasn't known to skip out on big parties, especially not ones thrown by her best friend. He distinctly recalled a time Rosalie had hauled Alice home from Mike Newton's house, pale in the face and seeing double because of a fever. But she hadn't wanted to miss something big.

If anyone in this world was an enigma, it was her.

Upon knocking - he decided it was less obnoxious and he didn't want to anger the gods - the door was wrenched open by a little girl, about twelve, with a head full of white-blonde hair and a bright smile to match.

"Hiya, Jasper!" Cynthia Saunders chirped, bouncing up on her toes to get a better look at Jasper in the dim light. "If you're looking for your sister, she's not here. Alice said she was having a party at your place."

As if somehow Jasper wouldn't know that.

"Actually, Rosalie sent me over here to give Alice some clothes back," Jasper said, half-hoping that Cynthia would offer to take them herself. (She didn't.)

"Oh, you can go right up to her room, then. Make sure you knock," Cynthia warned, her voice lowering.

Jasper swallowed, hard, but allowed himself to be guided up the stairs. Cynthia gestured for him to go up the stairs with a flourish and a bow, making the whole thing seem so much more dramatic than it really was. And it was already pretty damn dramatic.

Alice's door was at the end of the hallway, adorned with the typical poster asking that he, Please knock!. So, face whiter than it had any right to be, he raised a fist and knocked.

There was a pause during which the world probably ended.

Then came not his untimely death, nor a roar or snarl. Simply a call of, "Just a second!"

There was the pitter-patter of tiny feet, then the click of a lock, and the door swung open. Blue eyes peeked from the other side, followed soon by the rest of Alice Brandon's petite form. In place of her usual designer clothes were polka-dotted pajama bottoms and a loose t-shirt that appeared to be from Disney World, things that made her appear infinitely more human than he had been expecting.

Alice almost seemed to start at his presence, her eyes widening for just a split second, before all the humanity drained from her and Jasper wondered if he had imagined its existence. The brightness in her eyes receded and a superior coolness took its place. Instantly, she had morphed to cold, hard Plastic.

It was disheartening - until Jasper noticed that the glowing television screen behind Alice displayed what he was certain was the collection menu from Zelda: Skyward Sword.

She scooted between him and the television, somehow managing to hold onto her composure. "What a pleasant surprise this is, Jazzy. Did your sister send you?"

Jasper shifted awkwardly. Even under the assurance that she had to be human, she was beyond intimidating. Which was sort of pathetic, considering she was five feet tall and he was three inches past six.

"Uh, yeah, she wanted me to - um - give you this back," he mumbled, avoiding her gaze as he held out the bra.

Her smile was coy as she looked at him from under her lashes. "Aw, Jazzy, haven't you seen a brassiere before?"

He muttered something unintelligible.

"It's okay," she continued in that same condescending voice. "You can look at it if you like. It'll prepare you for the day you finally get laid."

Jasper felt himself turn red, but managed to say, "Oh, like you're not a virgin."

She rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything.

He thrust the article of clothing out again.

"Oh, poor baby," she cooed. "Is it making you uncomfortable?"

"Is the fact that I can see Zelda on your TV making you uncomfortable?" he finally snapped back, looking back up at her just in time to see her face go red.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, her voice ever-steady as she snatched the bra from him.

Jasper almost smiled. It seemed he had found a sore spot.

"Is that why you ditched Rosalie's party?" he pressed.

She didn't so much as look back at him until she had nestled the brassiere in its rightful place (or so he assumed it was). She was composed as ever when she responded.

"No. I just didn't want to deal with drunk assholes looking at me as nothing more than a fuck-toy all night."

"Oh. Fair enough," he conceded. "The party kind of sucks anyways. Everyone's piss drunk- is that a Gryffindor scarf?"

She froze in her reorganizing. "Gryffin-what?"

"Gryffindor. You know, the Hogwarts House?"

Alice whirled back to face him. "It's a gift for my cousin. Twenty-three, still living at home in his mom's basement without any hope of ever getting a girlfriend. Kind of like an older you."

Had she just winced at her own statement?

"I'll take that as my cue to leave."

"You're going to go back to Rose's shit party?" she asked, her tone bleeding surprise.

If Jasper's Plastic-to-English translation was correct, she had just more or less invited him to stay.

"Well, there's not much else I can do," he said. "Rose would notice if I did anything else with the car. I pretty much have to go back."

Alice shifted a little, though her words came out in that same cold, confident tone. "You don't have to."

"Where else would I go?"

"I only bite when provoked."

Jasper couldn't fight the smile this time. "I'll only stay if you admit that you're playing Zelda."

"I'm not-" Jasper quirked an eyebrow and she stopped in a sniff. "Fine. I took a look at one of Nintend-whatever's games. From what I can tell, it's stupid."

Jasper opted not to point out that he could hear the music from Sky Keep, the end-game dungeon. He figured that would get him chased out of high school (he had seen it happen, courtesy of his darling twin sister).

But, against his better judgement, he just couldn't resist plucking the Doctor Who graphic novel off her desk and asking, "'The Good Dalek'? Shouldn't this be about Oswin Oswald?"

At this, he swore her eyes shone a little as if she might like to burst into tears, but she yanked the book out of his hands and placed it on a bookshelf perhaps too lovingly while saying, "No idea what you're talking about. Book was a gift from my-"

"-cousin?"

She glared at him but didn't otherwise respond as she flopped down onto her bed, snatching the remote control and switching to regular television.

Jasper settled for leaning against the wall near the door in the event he needed to run for his life. Alice seemed to be ignoring him for the time being, so he occupied himself by taking in the appearance of her room - not many could say they'd been to Alice Brandon's room and survived. He would gladly be the first.

Initially, it looked rather like his sister's room, only yellow. There were the fluffy pillows, plush animals, posters of God-knows what, and a stupid frilly lamp. But when he scanned again, he detected a distinctly un-Plastic vibe. He swore he saw a few little Link figurines, and tucked between her numerous books were bookmarks that definitely had the Hogwarts crest on them. Plus there was a Smurf collection, but he wasn't sure if that counted.

"So, is your entire room a gift for your cousin?" Jasper asked casually, positioned for takeoff.

"Clever," she deadpanned. "Are you always this witty? 'Cause if you are, it really surprises me that you're perpetually single."

Yeah, well, it's not my fault that the lady I want is totally unattainable. Actually, it's your fault I'm perpetually single. So, uh, ha.

"Are you always in this much denial?" Jasper asked rather loudly, pressing past the insult. "Because it seems like a lot of effort to repress your personality."

Something in her expression softened, but her words were hard. "You don't think this is my entire personality? How very high and mighty of you. I'm sorry to disappoint, but-" Her mouth stretching into a yawn cut her off. She held up her hands. "Okay, you win, Hale. I'm too tired to play games."

Jasper didn't dare hope.

"Which means...?"

She just stared at him. "I just said, idiot. You win."

He decided to just keep his mouth shut until she did something. Like shoot him.

Instead, she folded her legs up onto the bed, her shoulders seeming to slump on the way. When she reopened her eyes after what he thought was a moment of meditative thought, they were softened back to what they had been when she initially opened the door, bright like a pond's reflection.

"It's not much of a prize, but since you're sticking around, you win the fantastic privilege of speaking to Alice." Her voice had lost all of its harshness, coming out more melody than anything. Jasper felt himself fall a little more in love with her.

She smiled a little, genuine smile at his confusion.

Scratch that. A lot more in love with her.

"I was speaking to, uh, Alice, before," Jasper said stupidly.

She shook her head. "No, no! You were speaking to Alice Brandon before. Totally different. Cindy calls them my 'two faces'. Which is accurate, I guess."

"Wait- what?"

"Two faces. Alice-face and Alice Brandon-face. I'd apologize for the confusion, but I'm not sorry," she said, shrugging. "It makes things easier. I get to keep my friends and not be a terrifying, bitchy robot on my own time. Can you imagine? That would be so exhausting. Cindy would be reduced to tears like, constantly." Alice paused thoughtfully - either that, or to catch her breath. "She says she can't picture me being mean. I can't picture me being mean, but I guess I manage well enough, don't I?"

"I- uh, yeah, I guess you do."

Alice frowned. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I didn't mean it. You're not perpetually single or a loser. Actually, I think any girl who dates you is lucky." At this, she beamed. "Oh, speaking of lucky, do you want to be my lucky charm while I fiddle with Sky Keep?"

And that is how Jasper Hale discovered that Mary Alice Brandon, Plastic, was a human being. He learned about the girl who ducked out of Saturday evening get-togethers to watch the new episodes of Doctor Who; the girl who loved her sister so much she would give up everything just to see her smile; the girl who, one day, just wanted to start over somewhere far away with her art.

And while she talked, Jasper found a girl with whom he could get along.

When it was time for him to go - and Jasper felt like it was too soon, although a glance at the clock told him it was nearly three in the morning - Alice actually gave him a hug and a smile that did strange things to his body.

"Thanks for bringing my bra back," she said with a wink. "It was nice to talk to an actual human being."

"Likewise."

"Oh, and Jasper?" She shuffled a little, looking down at her feet. "If I ever say anything to you at school- I mean, if I'm, well, mean- I'm, uh, sorry. Ahead of time."

"Sure thing." He made a mental note to create a suit of armor for his heart or something when he got home.

Before he was out the door, Alice stood on her toes and gave him a sharp poke in the chest, the gesture bringing with it a hint of her usual iciness.

"This never happened."

And so Jasper left with the complete and utter reassurance that life would return to normal on Monday