Author's Note: My Immortal is so bad, there isn't a word for it. Yet it has 10,000 reviews. So, here comes a satire of a bad fanfic. This is not a fanfic of a fanfic, but a satire. I will not edit anything; I will type whatever comes to mind, and I will sometimes put author's notes in the story when they're not supposed to be there. This will be deleted in a few days.

My Mortal

Chapter One

Candrew Vallegront V blew out his candle. He was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, and tonite he planned to burn the whole school down. Unfortuantely, he needed the coopereation of Professor McGonagell and that he wasn't going to get unless he raped a cat.

Now, I do not recommend raping cats unless your name is Candrew Vaellegont V. He has every reason to rape cats, the most important being that he finds them attractive.

Oh, I'm chewing my knuckles writing this horrible fic. What the hell AM I doing? Golilee…oh well.

Candrew had a crush on Hermione, and he new that her cat would be perfect for the job. So he pulled the run out from under the sleeping beast with the bottlebrush tail and sent it shrieking int o the fireplace. Candrew used the "Aguamenti" spell to put out the fire, and takng Crookspanks in his hand, ran his fingers along the cat's belly, before freaking out and---

You don't want me to finish that sentence. You'd rather lick Bela Swan's ass. Actually, I would love to lick her ass, but…

You are wondering who I am, the narrator. I am Viejluk, and I am in Hufflepuff house. BUT I sneaked into Gryffindor to watch Candrew on that night. And now I am contradicting myself.

This fic is not about me, but about a beautiful girl named Millicent Bulstrode. She was so beautifool that her mother kissed her on the lips every year before sending her off to Hogwarts. You see what I am doing? It's called stream-of-consciousness, and I don't care how grossed out you, the reader, become.

Now, Harry came down while Candrew was foddling the catr, and Harry used a spell on Candrew that made him draw a card from his belt. This card is known asw The Blue Eye White Dragon, and it is a signature move of Seto Godfrikkin' Kaiba.

Now, Harry was really a Vampire, but he pretended to be a wizard. And he caught me hiding under a Gryffindor table.

"Come out, you puny third-year!" he shouted a tme. "I want to suck your blood!"

I came out. I couldn't control myself. He sucked my blood, and I was sick to my stomach, because I am a boy and only wantr FEMALE vampires to suck my blood, lick that cutie Ebony, or as she's sometimes called, Enoby.

I love Enoby. I don't care that she's the hottest girl in school. I don't care that Snape and Loopin want her. I want her to suck me dry.

And now this story is beginning to sound like a fanfic of a fanfic. Excuse me, but in the next chapter, Enoby dies. Sad, but true.

But we were still in the chapter where Hairy sucked my blood. He was repulsed. He wanted Enoby's blood too; I could tell.

Then Hagrid came storing thru the portrait hole, screaming, 'I AM A SATANIST! I REAP PIGS! " And I got constipation.

Now, to Candrew. He sneaked back into his dormitory while all this was going on, to devise a way to steal into the girl's dormitories, where Ginny Weasely had asked him to use her. "Use" was her word, not mine. And so, he tried. But after hrs and hrs of thinking, he came up nothing. Zip. Nada. He couldn't break thru. By then, Harry was calming a crying Hagrid. Harry couldn't suck Hagryd's blood, for the later was quarter-giant.

And so ends the first chapt3er of another goffik tale.