Disclaimer: I do not own any of the QaF characters, in any way shape or form. But the plot line is completely mine.
Also 'It's been awhile' belongs to the band Staind, not me.
Once again, sorry if there are mistakes, my beta just moved away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Shady~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been awhile,
Since I could, hold my head up high
And it's been awhile,
Since I first saw you,
And it's been awhile,
Since I could stand, on my own two feet again,
And it's been awhile,
Since I could call you,
The loft is all in shadows, the only light is that of the streets below. The door hasn't been opened in over a week, and the phone is off the hook, no longer letting off that all too annoying dial tone. The only indication that there's been anyone home is the occasional sound of feet on the wooden floor, and the quiet sobs from the bed. Where Brian lay, half drunk half high, but neither could keep his thoughts at bay. A week had passed since Justin left for New York, and Brian just couldn't find the energy to do anything. The first day was ok, he knew it was best for the other to go, and get out of the shit whole that is Pittsburgh. Then the second day came and went without so much as a phone call, and it finally settled in that Justin wasn't coming back. By the third day Michael was calling none stop, leaving voice mails left and right. All asking the same thing "Brian where are you?" "Are you ok, do you need me to come over?" Another day of that and Brian had pulled the phone from its stand and threw his cell against the kitchen floor. Admittedly he was surprised when no one came banging on his door making him both disappointed and relieved. Now, all he did was sleep and use the bathroom, while all his thoughts were on Justin. It had been so long since the night they met, but it was still fresh in his mind. No matter how many drugs he had taken, he would never forget...
And everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem,
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've stretched myself beyond my means,
And it's been awhile,
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted,
And it's been awhile since I could say I loved myself as well,
And it's been awhile,
Since I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do,
And It's been awhile,
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you,
We stumbled in the loft, or like I stumbled. Justin practically carrying my drugged out as to the bed. I'd be lying if I said I was happy at how we are, I'm not, and I can't understand how he stays with me. I feel as it I'm falling, and then realize Justin just set me on our bed. Yes I admit it, it's OUR bed, but I'll likely never tell him that, or anyone else. Fuck everything is spinning and it's not just because the drugs and I suddenly feel so horrible. I'm suck a fucked up person, not even my parents wanted me, so why does he? Why out of everyone, does the innocent blonde half my age love me the most? I'm not worth him, or anyone else! I think he can sense my distress because he's there, holding me tight and telling me how much he loves me, forgives me and understands.
"Sleep Brian." his voice is soft, and I can't fight against it. I can feel my eyelids droop as he spoons up behind me, and for once I'm not afraid to fall asleep and dream. It's like he washes all my sins away and I can't help but cling to that.
And everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem,
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again, yeah
Why must I feel this way,
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day,
"Get out! Leave Justin!" I scream as I throw him out the door. Quick to slam it as he tries to come back through. I can hear him yelling for me to open the door, and after a few minute he sighs and walks down the stairs, and I slid to the ground. It's all I can do to keep from screaming and crying my eyes out. Why the fuck did he have to find out? It already hurts enough with the radiation, why the fuck did he have to know. He doesn't deserve that, he's already had a brush with death. He doesn't need to know about mine.
"FUCK!" My voice echo's across the loft, which now seems so empty without him in it. I just want it to all stop, just stop. I don't want to be the strong one anymore. Why can't I just... just... now I know I'm crying. Sobbing loudly in agony as my heart clenches.
I wake to pounding on my door. Knowing exactly who it is, I pick myself up and head to the bathroom. Splashing my face with water just as I hear the door open, and then Mikey's angry screaming. His voice is just grazing on my already frayed nerves but I can't deny what he's saying. God I'm so fucked up, I just want everything to be like it was... peaceful.
And it's been awhile,
Since I could look at myself straight,
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry,
And it's been awhile,
Since I've seen the way, the candles light your face,
And it's been awhile,
But I can still remember just the way you taste,
Low groans loud moans, sweaty bodies twined together on blue satin sheets. Hazel eyes looking straight into cerulean blue, as their hips pumped away to a rhythm of their own.
"Brian, Brian, Brian Oh god..." Justin's breathless panting rang out, pale fingers clutching desperately at Brian's shoulders as the older man drove into him in a slow but intense pace. It wasn't just fucking, not even Brian would argue with that. It was pure love making and both knew. The night had started out with Justin coming home to candles strewn around the loft. His bewildered gaze landed on his lovers face and his eyes grew soft. He could tell that Brian was at least trying to be romantic. No matter how many times he swore he didn't do romance. Though to Justin, this surpassed romantic, just because it was from Brian. They met in a kiss that just took away their breath, and it slowly escalated to where they are now.
"I... I... Justin." Brian's words just wouldn't come out, but the look of understanding on his Sunshine's face made him calm. Leaning down to kiss him as both of their climax's roared through them, Brian swore this was the happiest he'd ever been, with the taste of his lover on his lips and his warm body against his chest...
And everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem, to be, I know it's me,
I cannot blame this on my father,
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile,
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry,
The pounding in my head, was really the pounding at my door and I couldn't seem to block it out. I threw the duvet off me and started to cross the floor. I understand why he left, hell I practically made him. But he would've come back if he truly didn't want to go. God I wish he would come back. Why am I such an asshole? I know it's me, and no one else. I finally admit that it's my fault that I'm the way I am. Yeah, Jack and Joan were horrible in so many ways, but I just turned out like them. When I could have changed it all, instead I did just as they did and pushed away the people I was supposed to love and be there for. The pounding is louder now, and I realize that I have stopped walking when my thoughts got away with me.
I reach for the door, mental preparing myself for Michael, or Lindsay, fuck even Debbie. But seeing him standing there, tears streaking his perfect face, I'm in no way ready. His duffle bag is in his hand, he's trying to hold back tears and he says exactly what I need to say to him before I can.
"I'm sorry." and then my arms are full of crying blond and I can't help but being happy, fucking ecstatic! He's back; I can't believe he's back. He keeps repeating it, saying how sorry he is for leaving, and not being tuff enough to stay away like I told him too. I'm not mad; I can't be, because I'm sorry too, for sending him away in the first place. For putting him through all that I did, and for not being strong enough to tell him I love when he told me. I pull away and look him in the eye, and for a moment it's like all the bad things of the past years never happened.
"I'm sorry." this time it's me, and I've never been happier to be just Brian Kinney.