Disclaimer: I don't own the mentalist and get no money from this, aren't you bored of reading that?
Author's Note: Yeah I was gonna post this when I finished In Time which I'm nearly done on but its clogging up space so I'm gonna do it now. Pretty sad this you've been warned, really mental instituations are my worst nightmare anyway and I'm sorry if its innaccurate, pure guesswork as to what its like in one of those. Its AUish, (AKA no Kristina). Please review, makes me update quicker :) or if you think it sucks I'll just disown it hahaha. Yeah rambling, I'll shut up now
"Are you ready?" Dr Miller asked Lisbon gently and the agent nodded clenching her fists nervously as she unlocked the door.
Unlocked the door, he was kept in a locked room? She shook her head blinking away tears as she thought of how far he had fallen. She wondered again if this was a good idea, she had talked herself in and out of this building more times than she cared to count. On one hand she couldn't just abandon him but on the other it scared her to think how he was now.
Taking another shuddering breath she entered the room and the door was sealed again behind her, such a thick heavy door. The walls, floor and ceiling were all white and padded, was this really necessary? She fought yet more stinging tears and viciously regretted her decision, she would have left then if the door hadn't already been closed.
Biting her lip her emerald eyes found him. He was sitting in the corner of the room staring blankly in another direction, his once luminous eyes seemed so lifeless and his blond curls too had lost their shine. Cruel black rings clung to his eyes as he sat there rocking slowly back and forth in a straight jacket.
It became even harder not to cry at the sight of him but she forced herself to move nearer to him, he didn't even glance in her direction. Feeling slightly afraid that she wouldn't even be recognized she sat opposite him and leaned against the other wall noting how small the room was.
"It's horrible isn't it?" he said in a very small voice, so timid and almost afraid.
"Yeah," Lisbon replied shakily.
"You thought I didn't recognize you, didn't you?"
"Yeah," she admitted, "you aren't even looking at me."
"If I look at you then I will cry and then you'll leave upset, we won't get to talk and you probably won't come back," he told her as if it was obvious but he stopped rocking at least, "looks disturbing I bet but it makes me feel slightly better... How are things at the CBI?"
"Good. The team say hi," Lisbon offered, "we miss you though."
"I miss you all too."
"Maybe you'll get better soon and you can come back to work," she said hopefully.
"There's nothing wrong with me Lisbon," he told her more firmly, "I shouldn't be here."
"Jane you keep hallucinating, as much as we all hate it you can't get better until you heal."
"What's to heal? I'm perfectly fine. No excuse to lock me up and drug me."
"Have you seen them since they started... medicating you?"
"Medicating me?" he smiled sadly, "I told them to go, I didn't want them to see me like this. Holly's only young, so fragile and she's already been through alot and... I don't want them to see me like this."
"Ever think maybe the medication is working and its stopping you from seeing them?"
"I know you don't believe me, I would never have believed anyone if I wasn't the one seeing them."
"They are dead Jane, just figments of your... damaged mind."
"They are ghosts and as long as I love them they can never truely die."
"You don't even believe in ghosts!"
"I do now," he told her and she looked away miserably, "you're going to go soon aren't you?"
"You know I can't stay here forever, if you get better-"
"The only way for me to `get better` is to stop loving my family," he interrupted, "I could never to that Lisbon. How would you feel if someone locked you up and told you the only way to get out would be to stop loving your brothers?"
"Jane, it's not like that. They are not real, okay? They died, you found their bodies after Red John killed them."
"But their spirits lived on," he protested, "and they forgive me."
"I wish things were different," Lisbon sighed standing up slowly.
"Don't go Lisbon, please don't leave me," he pleaded desperately and finally met her gaze, eyes locking she saw the pain in his exhausted eyes and the anguished tears escaping from them.
"I have to," she told him choking on the words as her own tears leaked from her eyes.
"Please," he begged but Sophie had already opened the door.
"I'm sorry Patrick," Lisbon apologized feeling genuine as she left, his sobs burying themselves in her alread guilty mind as Sophie locked the door again, locked him away again.
"Thank you for finally visiting him, I know it can be hard... believe me I am trying my best but as long as he clings to these delusions..."
"I understand, I gotta get back to work now okay?" Lisbon said managing to keep her voice level and her footsteps even as she got to her car. Then the fresh wave of tears that had been battering her eyes erupting and she let the tears fall. It was so unfair, everything seemed so unfair to her and to him.
Finally she managed to stem the waterworks and force herself to drive to work, she was probably way over her lunch break by now. She couldn't make herself care too much, she wouldn't get fired for a single long lunch when she visited her mentally unstable consultant. She pulled up in the parking lot and made sure she didn't look like she'd been crying before heading inside to the bullpen. The team were chatting about a case but immediately shut up when they saw her.
"Did you actually see him this time?" inquired Van Pelt somewhat hopefully.
"Yeah."
"And, how was he?" demanded a concerned Rigsby but she couldn't bring herself to say it.
"Still delusional isn't he?" offered Cho in his usual blunt manner but she noticed the sorrow in his eyes.
"Yeah," she admitted and they all looked away slightly sad, losing Jane like this was a crippling blow to them all. They were a team, it was like losing a hand and she kept praying they'd be able to reattach it but the longer time went by the more diseased it became.
"You don't need to feel guilty boss," Van Pelt said suddenly, "we all know it wasn't your fault."
"I was driving Grace, my responsibility, my fault," Lisbon informed them firmly.
"We don't even know that is what caused..." Rigsby began but was silenced by her look.
"Just get back to work, we have that err... Fielding case to solve, so let's get back to it," she announced but they didn't move, they stayed looking at her pitifully, "now!" she snapped and they scuttled back to their desks and looked busy.
Lisbon nodded to herself and entered her office pausing briefly to notice again the absence of Jane on his couch. She longed to see him lying there again, she longed to wake up one day and come in to see him lying there. She'd be amazed he was there and he would just smirk and tell her none of it had ever happened and she must be dreaming. With every passing day she knew more that that was the dream, her pitiful untrue dream and the cold harsh reality was the empty couch and the padded room...