To the editor.

It is a generally accepted fact amongst people of our trade that making enemies is inevitable. We have accepted that. But recently, I have noticed that our name has been under severe pressure from the public opinion. This would not normally concern me altogether, if it were not for the clear drop in clients we have experienced lately. In this letter, I would like to address some frequently made misconceptions about our trade.

First of all, we are not murderers. Contrary to popular belief, we do not kill people when we can help it. Of course, we do kill a lot of people, but that is all purely business. I would draw the comparison with, say a butcher. Although in his trade, a butcher cuts up corpses (albeit, animal corpses, but that is irrelevant) and sells them to the public, if a butcher has a dear friend or relative who dies, and that butcher attends their funeral, he wouldn't cut the corpse into pieces to sell to the public.
With us, it is just the same. When working, we generally kill people without mercy, but when we visit a funeral, we wouldn't kill the people attending it. (Unless of course, we are there on business, but let's assume we aren't.)

Secondly, we are not shut-ins. Our trade lets us visit a myriad of dark alleys and shadowy alcoves from which we follow our targets. Furthermore, we have a huge estate with a beautiful garden. We even send our children off on missions in exciting, and thrilling places normal kids could only dream of; The infamous battle tower, the stimulating forest of no return, to name but a few.

Thirdly, we are not unkind people. At our estate, we have a large nature reserve in which we have a few examples of the wonders of nature. For example, we have our cute dog Mike, who is extremely well trained. Mike is a great dog, and no expense is spared to feed him. We have even treated him so well, that he has become so loyal that he has yet to let an intruder through. Would a dog do such a thing for an unkind person? I think not.

Finally, we do not keep people from visiting us. We have never hidden our house, and when asked, we will gladly provide anyone with the address. Furthermore, there is a bus service which leads right to the front gate of the estate, which is a mere tens of miles through a wondrous forest filled with exciting ways to keep our visitors sharp and alert. For example, we have a team of very friendly butlers who are more than willing to lead you to our front door if you would like so, and they will even amuse you with a friendly chat or fight.

Now, I hope that I have helped clear some of the misconceptions around our family, and our trade in general. If anyone would happen to have a question, or a disagreement, you are more than welcome to come and pay us a visit, or if you can't make it to our house, we'll be more than happy to explain to you in full why we are not to be hated.

If anyone would like to contact us, just look us up in the phone guide, we are either under the A of assassins, or the Z of Zoldyck. We would recommend, however, to reserve in advance, so that we would be able to inform our personnel about this, lest there be some kind of misunderstanding.
We can fully assure you that we will not kill you if we meet. (Unless you're one of our targets, in which case we ask you to not take it personally)
And remember that if you need someone down, just call us up, and we'll take care of it.
Cheap, Fast, Reliable. Zoldyck Family for all your assassination needs.

With warm regards,

Silva Zoldyck,
Head of the Zoldyck family and chief executing member of Zoldyck Assassins.