Part One: Goodbye, Xander
Written by Tim Kennedy
ETERNAL DARKNESS SAGA: "Goodbye, Xander"
I love you, Xander. Those words keep echoing through my head. So many things had happened to me on that fateful night, many things that would change my life forever. I heard someone say that life is divided up like a storybook, a beginning, middle, and an end. For me, I'd lived through the beginning, was living the middle, and was nearing the end. Now don't get me wrong, everything I'm going to tell you today was entirely my choice. It's going to seem strange to you, but I'll try to explain it as best as I can. I'll start from the beginning of it all.
For one thing, the Hellmouth was closed. That was the good part. Buffy, Willow, and Giles had successfully sealed the opening and prevented Hell on Earth. On the other hand, where was good old Xander during all of this? Running for his life from a bunch of dead guys, that's where. Oh, and we can't forget that roll in the hay with Faith. That was the weirdest part of the whole night. Neither of us knew why it happened, it was a spare-of-the-moment thing I guess. The rest of the gang might not think the same though.
"You what?!? With Faith?!?" was all that Willow could blurt out after I told everyone about Faith and I that night. Buffy wasn't saying anything to me, but I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't like it one bit.
"Any how exactly did this come about?" Giles asked me.
"Hey, it was a accident. I didn't intend for it to happen, guys," I replied to them. I don't think anyone really cared for that matter.
Buffy looked over at me with a face full of hate. "Yeah, right."
Buffy and Faith hadn't been on the best of terms lately. This, I was sure, made matters worse.
"Oh, like you and Angel getting back together wasn't an accident?" Oops. I think I struck a nerve in Buffy. Her hateful face suddenly turned into a killer's face.
"Xander, I think it's best if you leave the library," Giles suggested.
I was shocked. There wasn't even this much reaction when they all found out Buffy was at it with Angel again. But, since I didn't want anymore confrontation, I decided to leave anyway. I walked to the door and looked back at the gang's accusing eyes.
"I loved you," Willow mouthed to me. I left. It was one mistake. Mistakes happen, nobody's perfect. For me, this mistake would end up being my undoing.
* * *
Outside in the hall, I decided to vent my anger on some lockers. So, along the way to the doors, I pounded my fist into some lockers, leaving considerable dents. Sure my hand hurt, but I was so mad I didn't really feel the pain. After all, I was feeling too much pain already.
"I hope you're going to pay for those," I heard someone say from behind me. I turned to face Principal Snyder walking towards me, surveying the lockers as he came. "You know, those are school property. It's called Vandalism, Mr. Harris, and it's a criminal offense."
"Yeah, don't worry, I'll pay," I said in a bitter voice. I turned and continued heading to the door. I needed to get away from all of this.
"Excuse me, Mr Harris, I wasn't done yet," Snyder barked at me from down the hall. I didn't really give a shit. What I did care about was getting as far away from this place as possible.
* * *
I basically went straight home. Heck, I had nowhere else to go. Buffy's? Nope. Angel? Yeah right. Faith? Well, now that I though of it…
* * *
"Who is it?" I heard Faith call out after I knocked on her door.
"It's me. Xander."
The door opened and Faith appeared in the doorway. She was wearing her usual tank top and army pants. God she looked good. What was I thinking? Had I forgotten what just happened?
"We've got to talk," I said to her. Faith stepped out of the way, signaling that I could come in.
When I got in, she shut the door behind me and proceeded to go and lay on her bed. She wants me. No, I was here for a reason. I was here to explain everything.
"Let me guess: they didn't take the news too well?" she asked me.
"I'd say you guessed about right. As a matter of fact, if I stayed there any longer, Buffy would've probably ended up killing me."
"Well, screw them." Faith cursed. It caught me a little off guard. "What good have they done you anyway? They're always making fun of you, and of course, they all think you're the little wussy of the bunch. Do you really need them anyway?"
"But Willow," I whispered as Faith stood up in front of me. I was pretty sure Faith knew about my feelings for Willow.
"You don't need her. What you need is someone who can take care of you." Faith ran her hand under my shirt. "Like me," she whispered into my ear. This wasn't working out as I had planned. It had to stop. I don't remember what happened then, except that I ran. I ran hard and fast. Where, I had no idea.
I eventually found my way over to the park. It was sun down now, and any minute a bunch of vampires were going to jump out of the bushes at me, but I didn't care. I went over and sat on one of the swings and kept thinking of all the things Faith had said to me. I didn't want them to be true, but I knew they were.
"I wish everything would just go away!" I yelled out. The bushes behind me began to rustle. Oh well, here they come.
"They can," a voice replied to me. I spun around to face the person in black leather that was emerging from the other side of the bushes. It wasn't Angel. Who was it? That voice was so familiar. When he finally stepped out, my heart almost froze. Spike was back had returned to Sunnydale once again.
"Ah, Xander, you seem to be in a little bit of a downer mood," Spike inquired.
"I have nothing to say to you, Spike," I replied. Which was one of the bravest things I could have ever done, seeing as he could have ripped me to shreds if he wanted to. But he didn't. "I thought you left anyway," I uttered.
"Yeah, it's funny actually. I can't seem to stay away from this bloody place. I keep wanting to come back." Spike paused for a moment, almost as if he was thinking of something, which I figured he probably was. "You know," he said as he stepped behind me, "I can make the hurting stop. If you want that is." Suddenly, he was staring to grab my attention.
"Maybe," I responded. Spike walked closer to me. He placed his hand on my neck. Suddenly, that was when the thought came to my head. I had never pondered the idea of becoming a vampire before. Maybe it was for the better. I could do whatever I wanted.
"I can make all the pain go away," Spike continued, almost as if he had seen right through my soul. "Let me show you the light."
I looked up at Spike and starred at him eye to eye. "Spike..." I addressed him. The look on my face told him everything he needed to know.
A smile came over his face. "Well, well, well. I never thought you would come to this. But then again, things change." Spike lunged at my neck. That's when I became a vampire.
* * *
When he bit down on me, it hurt. But Spike was right; the pain seemed to go away and was replaced by a feeling of strength and power. Who had ever though that I would become a vampire?
When I finally regained consciousness, I was lying on my bed. What had just happened? Had I really done it? Was I really a vampire? Christ, Buffy was going to kill me now. But she never killed Angel. Well, not for a while anyway.
I knew I was on my own, that I couldn't go back to Buffy anymore. What happens when my parents find out? I needed someone to talk to, so I went to the only person that I could think of.
* * *
Willow was sitting at her computer when I peeked in her window. I had climbed up the tree just outside her window. She hadn't seen me yet. Do I dare talk to her? What if I end up trying to kill her? For what seemed like hours, I sat in the darkness watching her. It reminded me a lot like Angel watching Buffy. She had told us all about that a long time ago. But that was behind me now.
Suddenly, I heard Spike's voice again.
"I wouldn't go in there," he suggested. "You might end up doing something you'll regret."
"I think I can handle myself," I replied.
"Sorry, but you don't know the power of the hunger. It'll take over your entire body until you finally get blood. I'm just trying to help you, Xander. After all, you are one of us now."
"I don't need your help," I barked back at him.
"Suit yourself." Then he was gone.
Finally, I tapped on Willow's window. When she turned and looked at me, I could see the battle in her head. Do I open the window? To my surprise, she came over and opened it. I climbed in.
"What are you doing here?" she asked me. "And why didn't you use the front door?"
"Willow," I was going to explain it all to her, "there's something you need to know."
Willow came over and sat down on her bed beside me. Suddenly, I was extremely hungry. Oh God, no. This must be the hunger that Spike was talking about. I had to fight it, had to tell Willow that I was sorry. Willow took my hand.
"Xander, I know already. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean all those things I said in the library later today. I was mad at first, but Faith came and told us everything. That it wasn't your fault. That she was the one who started it all."
"There's something even more important." God, the hunger was overpowering now. I found myself looking at Willow not as a friend, but as food. I felt myself slowly closing in on her neck. Losing control of my body wasn't the best thing right now, so I jumped up from beside her.
"What?" Willow blurted out. "I thought…I thought we loved each other."
I felt my face beginning to change. I was becoming a real vampire. I turned away from her, but she came over regardless. She was startled when she finally gazed at my face again.
"Xander, oh no!" she cried.
That was when the hunger took over. I lost control and could do nothing as I felt myself take small steps towards my prey. Willow was frozen in terror. I tried to tell her to run, but I couldn't say anything. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go!
Suddenly, there was a knock at Willow's door and a couple of seconds later, Buffy entered the room.
"Xander?" she questioned, gazing at me.
We both stood there looking at each other. I don't know who was more frightened, me or Buffy. I couldn't stay here anymore, so I turned and dove out the window. When I landed on the ground, I looked back up at Willow's window. Buffy had run over and was watching me.
"Xander, come back! Faith told us everything!" Buffy yelled.
There, it was over. Buffy knew I was a vampire and was going to end up killing me very soon. Heck, she was probably hot on my trail. I never looked back, even with all the regrets I had.
* * *
Later that night, I found a mausoleum in the Sunnydale Cemetery to sleep in. It was kid of ironic. I was always afraid to go into the graveyards with Buffy on her patrols, now the graveyards were my only safe haven. For now I had gone and done the un-thinkable.
I was curled up in the corner when the door creaked open and Angel walked in.
"Xander, what happened?" he asked me.
"Go away," I told him.
"Does Buffy know about this? How did it happen? Did one of them get you?" So many questions. I didn't exactly want to answer them. "I can help."
"What can you do?"
"You're forgetting that I was a vampire once. I may not be much of a vampire anymore, but I can help you with the urges. Help you control them."
"Why would you do that? Don't you know that you and me aren't exactly on level ground?"
Angel smiled. "I figured that. But you have two choices. I can help you, or Buffy's going to end up killing you sooner or later." The fact of the matter was, he was right. God this sucked. Suddenly, there was a voice in the distance.
"Xander?" it called out. Angel and I knew who it was.
"Buffy," he whispered. This is it, I thought, this is the end. The end of poor old Xander. "Quick," Angel said to me, "this way."
When Angel and I ran out into the graveyard once again, I could feel Buffy's energy. I also could tell that Willow and Faith were with her.
Angel led me to his haven. When we arrived he told me about how Buffy had killed him and sent him to Hell on the spot where I was standing. I really didn't care. All I cared about was trying not to be killed.
"I'll talk to her," Angel told me. "I can make her understand."
* * *
It didn't take long for Buffy and the rest of them to arrive. The door slowly opened and they all came in, along with Angel. I stood there, frozen on the spot. Do I run, or do I talk?
Spike's voice was inside my head again. "She's going to kill you, Xander. You're a vampire and she's a slayer. Take her out before she gets you. Make the slayer pay for everything she's done to you." I watched Buffy approach me.
"Xander, it's okay, I'm not going to kill you," Buffy assured me. I looked down at the steak in her hand.
"Then why do you have the steak?"
Buffy set it down on one of the marble seats. "One can never be too sure."
Faith cut in. "Xander, I never meant..."
"No, I'm sure none of you meant to hurt poor Xander right?" I snapped back.
"Xander, none of us would ever do anything to hurt you. You're like our best friend." Buffy replied.
"Well, it's a little late now isn't it?"
"Which one of them got you?" Faith asked. "I swear to God I'll kick their ass!"
"No one got me. I did it voluntarily."
"What do you mean?" Buffy inquired. "That you let yourself be turned into a vampire?" I nodded in response. "Then tell me why I shouldn't steak you right now?" she yelled as she grabbed the steak. I remained silent. Maybe she would end my torment. "Well? Don't you have anything to say for yourself?"
I said nothing as Buffy raised the steak above her head. "Damn you, Xander!" she said to me.
"Do it now, Xander," Spike's voice told me.
I was about to jump at Buffy when Willow suddenly came running from behind and grabbed the steak out of Buffy's hand.
"Willow, what are you doing?!?!" Buffy yelled. "We have to steak him."
"No, I won't let you do it," she replied. "I love Xander."
Now that really caught everyone by surprise. Well, a little I guess. Everyone stood there all confused. Willow made her way over to me. The hunger was getting harder to resist now. I could only hold on again for so long.
"Be careful, Willow," Angel warned. "He's probably hungry."
Willow didn't seem to mind, she still came over. She took her hand in mine once again and said those same words I had heard just a while ago. "I love you, Xander."
"Kill her, Xander. They don't belong with our kind anymore. All they are is food. You need food, Xander. You need food now." Spike's voice told me.
I was trying everything to resist, but it was getting almost impossible. I barely managed to gather up enough strength to say, "I love you too." The hunger was taking more and more of my energy to resist.
"Make me one of you," Willow whispered in my ear. "We can be together forever." It was tempting, but I couldn't let Willow be condemned to this darkness.
"No, I can't," I whispered back.
"Xander, please. I've never asked you to do anything more important in my entire life." She was right.
"Are you sure?" I asked. She nodded in reply. I took her arm and brought my mouth up to her wrist.
"Don't bring her over, drain her. Feel all the blood rushing through your viens," Spike said to me.
No, this had to end. Behind her back, the gang watched in horror. I reached out my hand behind Willow's back and Buffy placed her wooden steak in it.
"I love you, Xander." There were those words again. I love you too, Willow, more than you will ever know.
"Xander, what are you doing? Don't be foolish! You've got the strength to rule the world now. You can do anything you want, everything you ever dreamed of. Ending it would be stupid," Spike tryied to convince me.
I brought my teeth down to her wrist and as I was about to condemn her to eternal suffering, I ended mine. I shoved the steak right into my heart, quick and fast. Willow looked down at the steak in horror.
"Xander, NO!" she shouted.
Darkness was closing in on me. This was the ending of my story, but it was the beginning of an even larger story. The last thing I saw before oblivion were the tears falling down everyone's faces.
As darkness clouded over, I heard Spike ringing out. "It's too bad, Xander. We could've got to known each other better." Who would have ever figured poor-old Xander would go down this way? I surely didn't.
Now I am condemned to an even greater life of suffering. I ended to get away from the darkness, only to find more darkness. But, as Spike said, things change. I know I did.
Coming Soon...
Eternal Darkness Saga, Part Two: The Return of Evil