A Capacity For Pain
Summary: Sanzo x Goku Gojyo x Hakkai Possible AU – See Author's Notes After defeating Gyuu-ma-ou, the Sanzo party returns to the temple. What will their future be without a mission – and perhaps, without each other?
Prologue
He wished that he could define their relationship. Hakkai was always of the mind that they were 'best pals', but Gojyo knew that it was far from the truth. There was nothing remotely 'best pal'-like about their relationship. Admittedly, he had had no sex with him after they had left on their seemingly endless journey, but it wasn't about sex. It never had been about sex. At first, it was about him, Gojyo. Hakkai had always accepted him – and after feeling a little better about… about everything, he had accepted Hakkai.
Sitting on a soggy log in a creepy forest, Gojyo could only think of one thing – he was the only one who had seen Hakkai at his most vulnerable – broken, directionless, confused, drunker than he had ever been or would probably, ever be. He was sort of proud of it – proud of the only one thing that was entirely his – Hakkai's vulnerable moment. He had been so full of anger and hurt against the world at that time that he could have easily killed Hakkai just to satisfy his hatred. It wasn't like him to kill a vulnerable person for no reason, but he would have then – he didn't have a huge conscious to bug him.
But he hadn't. In that booze-befuddled moment, he had realized that he would always care for Hakkai, no matter what. It was a pity that Hakkai didn't realize it.
He threw down his cigarette end and stood up. For once, he didn't want to go to the city and get drinks, more cigarettes and women – no, he wanted Hakkai.
And the thought unsettled him – a lot.
He fished his coat pocket for another cigarette.
Hakkai was… happy. Yeah, any goof could see that he was happy. This stupid journey was exactly what he had needed to get out of the mess that was his life – past life. It was freakish that he knew what was good for Hakkai. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Hakkai was the mature guy of the group – he was supposed to look out for him. But lately, it had been quite the other way. Gojyo found himself worrying more for Hakkai than anyone else in the group. Oh yeah, he still was Goku's big brother and annoyed the boiling hell out of Sanzo with his brawls with the young guy. Nothing had changed except Gojyo on the inside. Hell, the last time he had had sex with a woman, he had been thinking of Hakkai more than half the while. If that wasn't weird, nothing was.
He knew that he couldn't go out there and touch Hakkai. It would only remind him of his worst time. Like him, Hakkai probably associated the transition from their painful pasts to present with their 'relationship' before they set out on this journey. Gojyo didn't want to be the one to remind him of it. It hurt like hell to act as if everything was normal when it wasn't. It felt awfully unfair. But it had to be like this. He had come to care too much for Hakkai.
"Not a very warm place, is it? Let's go back to the inn. You'll need your sleep."
He had found him. Hakkai always found him.
"Yeah."
"I thought you'd gone to the bar."
"Me, too."
Hakkai looked at Gojyo for a moment, the smile disappearing from his face. "Something wrong?"
"Just thinking."
"Really? What about?"
Gojyo wished his words won't come out so serious… it wasn't like him to act so serious and all – what the hell was happening to him?
"Nothing."
The silence that followed wasn't very long but it was awfulness more than made up for its short length.
"Okay, then, let's go back to the inn."
He'd done it again – he'd hurt him again. Damn! Hakkai was the mature guy – why did he get all sensitive around him? Especially when he knew that more than half the time Gojyo babbled things without thinking. He hardly ever thought about what came out of his mouth even after saying it. Then again, Hakkai probably knew it but just couldn't stop himself from feeling wronged. He again blamed their past relationship. If only he had had a good start with Hakkai…
Holy shit! I'm thinking like a drama queen – ugh! Perhaps Sanzo is right – I spend too much time in women's company.
"Hey, Sanzo…"
"Either shut up or get lost."
Goku scowled at the blonde. Sanzo lay on the bed, smoking and staring at the ceiling. Goku was having a rare moment of 'no activity'. He sat on Gojyo's bed, toying with the Mah-jongg blocks.
"Why don't you at least listen to me, you nasty monk?"
"My head is bursting like I'm going to die – I don't need your stupid comments to make it worse."
Sanzo immediately regretted saying that. That had almost come out like a whine. Even though his headache had been getting worse and worse, he was loath to whining about it.
But Goku's immediate attention was drawn to another point. "I'm not stupid."
"So you say," said Sanzo, steering the conversation down the 'safe lane'.
Goku pushed away the blocks with a scream and jumped out of the bed. Hovering over Sanzo, he yelled, "I AM NOT STUPID! WHY DON'T YOU GUYS EVER GIVE ME A CHANCE? STUPID MONKEY! THAT'S ALL YOU EVER CALL ME! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"
Sanzo continued staring at the ceiling for a while.
"If you're hungry, then do something about it other than tormenting my ears."
Goku kicked some blocks which had fallen on the floor and sat back on the bed.
"I am not hungry."
Sanzo said nothing but closed his eyes and turned away from Goku. He now faced the window. It had stopped raining quite some time ago. Hakkai had gone out but he knew that it wasn't to get more food.
"Get me some cigarette packs, will you?"
The resounding "bang" of the door was the only indication that Goku heard him.
Goku alternately watched the blue-grey whirls of smoke and then the lips that blew them.
"This is it, isn't it?"
Goku lay down on Gojyo's bed, biting his lips hard and trying to will the tears away.
"We might not be… together – the four of us… anymore…"
It had not struck him until Gojyo had gone out. He had assumed that it was, like always, to some bar. But Hakkai had gone out, too and he was left behind with Sanzo. Only Sanzo. Sanzo was the beginning of his life. He'd been happy at the monastery. He sort of missed the monastery although the monks always kept yelling at him and chasing him away. But then again, Sanzo was little better. But he was Sanzo.
Goku had been excited about finally attacking Gyuu-ma-ou – until the evening when he was alone with Sanzo. It struck him that it was the end of their journey. No more travelling west. It was hard to think about it. Hell, it seemed impossible – this was not how it was supposed to be. It couldn't be!
He glanced at Sanzo. The blonde seemed unconcerned about it. Sanzo hadn't said what they would do after the journey ended. Would Sanzo leave him, too? Oh God! What would he do then? What would he do without Sanzo? He'd just die out there or something…
Of course not! You're just proving how stupid you are… Even if you are alone, you can take care of yourself… But you won't be alone… because you won't let go of Sanzo…
"Goku."
Sanzo's voice was surprisingly soft.
"Get some sleep. We've got to kick some major ass tomorrow."
Goku got up. Yeah! They'd come out victorious! If it was their last fight, they'd make it their best!
"Yeah! And I'm definitely gonna cause more damage than you are, monk!"
Sanzo snorted and lay down.
"You've started dreaming before going off to sleep, monkey."