Some days were harder than others.
She woke up, put her make-up on so that her stare-inducing crimson eyes would seem dramatic and beautiful instead of foreign and threatening, nursed her crying son and tried to smile at her reflection but ended up scrutinizing every inch of her leftover pregnant tummy fat. She smoothed coverup all over the red splotches on her face and the dark rings under her eyes, and although she was able to get a half-decent pep talk going, she was unable to convince herself to wear anything more stylish than jeans and the baggy sweatshirt that he had used to sleep in during winter. She managed to feed herself, dress her baby and tell him with a smile that his daddy said hello without crying—until he started crying once again, causing her to break down with him.
She wiped her eyes, redid her makeup and slathered on more coverup. She put baby Shou in his backpack and took him to the Hokage tower to pick up her paperwork, smiled half-heartedly at Izumo and Kotetsu and nodded to the Godaime without any sort of emotional inflammation. She saw Shikamaru coming up as she was going down and he grinned at her, half-cuddled Shou and asked how she was doing. She assured him that she was making do, he stared into her eyes, and then sighed and reminded her he was always around if she needed anything. She fake-laughed, thanked him, and said goodbye. After leaving, a stack of documents stuffed in her diaper bag, she stabbed a kunai through the wall.
She sat in Anko's favourite dango shop to start on her paperwork and kept ordering tea during the three hours before her friend was expected to arrive. She cooed absentmindedly to a Shou that, of course, had elected to be very cranky today and kept wailing. The manager came over to say that customers were complaining; she flashed her red eyes at him and he frowned and moved away. Shou spat up on the mission documents she was carefully reviewing. She handed him to a complete stranger, a kind-looking elderly lady sitting at the next table, so she could go in the bathroom to cry a bit more and do calming breathing exercises. She applied even more coverup; her face was starting to look like the beginnings of a monster mask. She returned to her table to find that Shou had fisted half the pile of paperwork she'd been assigned—the finished half—and the old lady, looking very harassed, shoved him back into her arms.
Anko was, as usual, late. Today it was too much to handle. She cradled Shou to her chest and inhaled his clean baby scent as he pulled her hair and his scent turned less clean. She went to the bathroom to change him while he kicked his legs so hard she was afraid she would hurt him when she held him down to put the clean diaper on. She left the restroom to find the manager holding out her stack of papers and a bill for her tea, asking her to please leave. She yelled at him that it wasn't her fault her baby was in a horrible mood today, she could barely keep everything together, and by the way this place is disgusting.
Anko found her sitting cross-legged on the ground outside the dango shop, crying and rocking Shou, who was also crying. She sighed and said, "Honey, maybe we should skip the dango. Find someone to take that little monster off your hands and let's go get a drink."
No, no, no, she sniffed to Anko. It was far too early to be drinking, she didn't want to be drinking, she still had lots of work to do and anyway there was no one around to take Shou. Anko frowned at her and was probably about to start in on some kind of lecture or attempt at a motivational pick-me-up when she realized that she was supposed to meet the Godaime and she was late and even though Anko was often very scary, Tsunade was scarier.
Anko left with a hurried so-sorry-I'll-come-see-you-later-don't-kill-the-spawn-if-you-must-just-trap-him-in-a-genjutsu and once again Shou and his mother were alone.
She took him to the park and he settled a little, his cries becoming softer and more out of habit than any real cause behind it. They both liked it here, where they could hear children laughing and playing, birds chirping to each other, and the occasional "aaaugh" of a civilian who'd gotten in the way of the Academy students practicing with shuriken. She bounced Shou on her knee and let him try to catch falling leaves from the tree above their bench. She sped through the paperwork, initialing things and checking off dates and assignments, mentally counting down the days until she would be active duty again and free from this Official Document hell.
When the sky was lit up by the faintest of pinks most of the children were collected by their parents and things grew quieter. Shou fussed in her lap and she pulled a jacket and fuzzy hat out of her diaper bag, nuzzling his nose with hers while she dressed him. He let out a pure, happy baby laugh and part of her felt liberated by it.
She put him back in her backpack, told him it was time to go see Daddy, and set off on their nightly trek to the graveyard. The sky blushed from pink to purple, and as the world got darker less and less people were out and about. By the time they reached his grave they were completely alone.
She sat Shou on the grass and leaned over until her forehead was pressed against the cool headstone. She chanted Asuma, Asuma, Asuma and for the first time all day let her tears spill over without shame. She wiped all her makeup off on the back of her hand and lifted the front of her sweatshirt to her nose. Upon realizing it had almost lost the scent of him, she completely broke down, declaring unintelligible things to his grave and pounding it with her fists. She whispered that she needed him and that she loved him and she was sorry and she hoped he would forgive her and their baby was beautiful and she was sorry she wasn't a very good mother and she missed him she missed him she missed him.
She kissed the headstone and little Shou gurgled to be picked up so she obliged, holding him close to her and just sitting on the grass with him until the stars came out and the wind picked up. She waved Shou's tiny hand at the headstone for him, whispered, "Goodnight, we love you," and took her sweet time on the way back home.
She tucked Shou into his crib and for once he went to sleep easily. She smiled genuinely at him and smoothed over his thin baby hair, then kissed the palm of his hand. She took off her jeans but not the sweatshirt and climbed into bed without brushing her teeth or checking for messages. She buried her face into the pillow and thought of the paperwork she'd done that day until she'd bored herself almost to sleep.
Then, at the very threshold between being awake and being asleep, she thought she felt a kiss on her temple and a hand on her back. It wasn't real, it was the product of almost-dreaming, but finally, finally she felt like everything was worth it and things were going to be okay. Suddenly her day was over, she'd survived, she'd done her job, she had friends and she had Shou so she'd get by.
Some days were harder than others, but at the end of every day he was there with her, even if she only dreamed it, even if it was only for a little while, when it all disappeared and once again it was just them.
A/N: Phew! For something so short it took me a while, but mostly I just kind of spun it out without having to stop and think too hard about it. That's why the quality is probably so low. The thing that took the longest was naming the baby!
About baby Shou: I too have heard that Kishi is thinking of giving Asuma and Kurenai a girl, but I just felt like it should be a boy baby so I wrote a boy baby. Nothing is definite in the canonverse right now anyway, and it's fanfiction so I can do what I want. ;)
I really wanted to name the baby something meaningful; I looked for a lot of Japanese names that meant "fire" or something similar, but none of them fit right, or something that would sound like some kind of legacy beyond the grave or something. Anyway, Shou isn't what I was originally going for (it means "to soar" or "fly" according to the internet) but Asuma loved to play Shougi so it just clicked into place for me.
Lastly, I'm sorry if any of this is very confusing with the lazy "she" instead of any names. I think it's obvious who the star of this fic is, but if anything gets too unclear, lemme know in a review and I'll try to help you out.
Thanks for the read! Reviews make existence less melancholy.