Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
You know these times… when you shut the door behind you, lie in your bed and feel protected only because you're alone. But that also scares you the most. You want to be alone, away from them all but then again, you fear to death loneliness. Suddenly it has become your worst enemy, taking over your little brother's place.
And so you lie in your bed and think of who you are. You're just a sixteen year old girl. Nothing more, nothing less. You try to judge yourself objectively. You struggle to find positive things on you but find none. Grades don't count here, nor does the teachers' liking towards you. And of course not the fact that your best friends are the best you could ever wish for. No, these things are just of minor importance in front of the given situation.
Harry is dating Ginny, Ron is dating Lavender, which leaves you alone. Totally. When they would cuddle near the fire or when they would sit together during classes and meals and exchange kisses and sweat talk and little gifts all the time… At first you think "Good, now I'll finally find time to study" and you do. You study like crazy just to take your mind (and eyes occasionally) off of them. You have become the nerd of the class but then again, you always were, weren't you? That's why he's chosen her over you, that's why Malfoy is trying to make your life a living hell, that's why you're sitting here by yourself, again, crying.
It always happens. Always. No matter how hard you try to hold back your tears. No matter how hard you bite your lips. No matter how many times you've told yourself that it's not worth it, he's not worth it… The tears always come and run down your cheeks and then you taste them and they're salty and you hate yourself for doing the same mistakes over and over again. Because it can't be right. You…here, alone in your room, crying like a baby… It can't be right. It's not right. But you don't know how to fix it.
You take his Christmas present in your hands. It was a cute little teddy bear that would make a funny noise every time you squeezed it. You hug it tightly and just desperately beg it to transform into / him / , take you in his arms, kiss you softly, take away your tears with his thumb and tell you to stop crying, because he's here now and everything is going to be ok…
But that only brings more tears to your eyes. It's not real, as much as you long for it to be, you even ache for it to become. It never is anyway, it's just your mind playing weird games on you and you're so stupid that you actually believe it's true sometimes and you feel happy for as long as this beautiful lie lasts…
There was a time when you despised lies and didn't even consider hiding the truth. There was a time when you actually were honest to yourself. But all goods come to an end, they say. Now, lies are your only way of survival, your only hope to get through this. It's just lies or death. And not only literally.
When they first started dating you thought that they would find you dead the next day in your room with dried tears on your face. And maybe subconsciously you wanted them to. Because the pain was so unbearable that you felt it was killing you softly day by day and it was so much worse than an instant killing. You actually wanted to die.
But time passed and somehow you kept being alive, watching them kissing in the hall ways, before classes, at Hogsmeade and when they would ask you "what's wrong?" you would just deny everything and leave running like a mad man.
But don't they say "time heals everything"?
You never actually believed that something like this could be healed by time, a wound like that… a wound that would re-open every day with every kiss of theirs you would get to watch, a daily torture. But – you don't notice at first – the pain eases slowly and the tears don't come as frequently now and you don't have the constant feeling that you want to throw up… You feel so happy when you realize that, that you start crying again.
Now you believe what "they" say. Maybe "they" are right sometimes… Times like these.
So you convince yourself that you don't care about him, that you're fed up by his immature behavior all the time, that you got over him. When you're awake, the more you think about it, the more sense it seems to make. And in your dreams, you pray that it's true.
But no. You can lie to everyone else, but not yourself. You can't hide from that little voice in your head that finds you anywhere because simply, it is you. Whether getting over him is true or just another beautiful lie your mind made up, the important thing is that you're not in pain anymore, that you can look him in the eye and talk to him and fight with him… All the wonderful things you used to do together.
You've been telling yourself those things for so long now that you don't really remember which are true and which aren't. And your emotions are so confused that you're feeling like jumping out of a window. But pain can't touch you. That's what's important.
Can you hear me, Ron? You can't hurt me. Not anymore.
A/N: Nonsense really, this story just popped into my head while I was supposed to be studying but anyway. So leave me a review and tell me how much it sucked or not…