Disclaimer: I do not own my beloved Harry Potter characters they belong to the ingenious imagination of one J K Rowling and I will forever envy her for coming up with them first.
A/N: I find myself sitting in front of my computer feeling extremely depressed so I apologize for the sadness of this little fic of mine but shrugs Sometimes one must let everything out and this is the best way to do so don't you think. Anyway, on with the story. Oh and to warn you no matter what I flippin do the god forsaken lines wont indent and dang it the extra spaces are for more enphasis so I'm not just gonna double space everything. Stupid computer grumbles
Everyone's so happy; you can see it in their eyes in their faces. Why shouldn't they be? Harry finally defeated Voldemort...we were free.
And yet, I can't bring myself to feel the joyous swell that has consumed my peers.
One would think that I would be happy. To finally be free. Free from the rule of my father and Voldemort...free of the war. But how can I be when he still only sees me as Malfoy? They all do. They know the things I've done. All the times I risked my life for the Order...no not the Order for Harry...always for Harry.
And yet, even in the aftermath they see only my masks. I smile slightly as Harry walks by with Granger and Weasley not far behind. It doesn't reach my eyes...never reaches my eyes.
Why can't I just be happy?
Do I truly not deserve it?
I see Harry walk up to a girl with flaming red hair and sigh slightly. Malfoy's don't care...we don't love and we don't let ourselves feel pity or remorse. I guess that's just another way I was never a true Malfoy. In blood and name, perhaps, but never in spirit. No, I've never lived up to the cold-hearted name that I was cruelly given. I don't like to kill, I don't like to hate.
But the worst this of all...is that I fell in love. With a hero. With a man that would only see me as a Malfoy.
I can't stand to watch him with her. Yet he's happy. So very happy.
I can't watch it so I turn away. I close my eyes and feel the conversations of my peers wash over me. Nothing reaches my ears. Nothing but his voice as he laughs.
I can't stay here.
I can hear Blaise and Pansy calling out to me but they will not follow. They know not to follow.
Blaise and Pansy. The closest things I've ever had to friends. They had each other now. They couldn't understand. They'll never understand. They have each other. They're not alone...not anymore.
I find my way to the lake. It's my favorite place. The still water has always calmed me.
Not tonight. No...Not tonight.
I sit at the waters edge letting the frigid waters wash over my feet, soaking through the expensive cloth of my shoes. The chill is welcome. Always welcome.
I close my eyes and I can see him. Those emerald eyes staring at me. Always afire with an emotion I could never place. Yet always regarding me as though I were some caged animal waiting to attack.
If I was cursed to fall in love, why did fate make me fall for someone who would never dream of seeing me as anything more than an annoyance? Something to be avoided. That's all I'll ever be to him.
Malfoy's don't cry. If we don't cry then what is this wetness that runs down my face? What ahs caused my chest to constrict and made me gasp for air?
The winter winds whip my hair into my face. I can feel strands sticking to the salty tears that cling to my face.
I don't care. I let them fall...I don't care. Not anymore.
I wrap my arms around my chest and let the tears fall...let myself cry out. No one's around. No one will hear.
No one will care.
He wont leave me be. He haunts me. When I dream when I'm awake he just won't go away.
I want him to go away.
I want to hate him. I want to hate them all but I can't.
I don't hate him and I don't hate anyone else that I left at the school.
I hate this feeling...feelings...all of them.
Why can't I go back to the way I was? Rewind time and make it so that I can't feel again?
The sad thing is...I don't know what I'd change. The war is won and we have peace but I can't stand the price.
I don't want to be alone.
I want to be loved...I want to be with the people who care.
But she's gone...mothers gone and no one else will ever take her place. No one else wants to take her place.
Alone
Such a nasty word. Such a nasty feeling. I want it to go away. The empty ache in my chest. The weariness and pain that overtakes me in my agony. Just take it all away.
Please someone take it away.
Anyone.
Please.
NO!
I can't keep doing this. Not to myself. I can't keep lying to myself...trying to trick myself into believe. No one's there. No one ever will be.
I can't breathe.
It hurts. More than I can bear.
Why can't it end...Oh god please make it end!
My bodies numb and yet my heart and mind race.
Let it end. Take away my tears...my aches...
My love...
I don't want them. Not anymore.
I want peace. I want to be happy.
Why can't I be happy?
The cold is gone. I can't feel it any longer. I can feel the water lapping against my waist.
I want it to end. Oh please just let it end.
My breath catches in my throat. I can't take it...oh please just let it stop.
I can feel my legs give way beneath me. Hear the slight splash as I let my body fall into the frigid waters.
Just let it end.
All sound disappears.
My eyes open.
I can still see him. Emerald eyes staring down at me. No staring through me. He'll never see me.
I'm alone. Always alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I can see the blackness engulf me.
I close my eyes as the coldness returns. I welcome it.
He's here. I can almost feel him. Clinging to me as though his life depended on it. I can hear his voice. Calling my name. Oh how I wish I could hear such concern in his voice when he spoke to me.
But I won't. Never again.
This is the end.
I don't want it anymore
I don't want to be here
Not alone.
A/N: Yes I know it's not very long but like I said before...I'm feeling a bit depressed and I just needed to get it out. What better way than to make my dear beloved Draco say it all for me. And I know that there are a lot of fragments and gramatical errors and no I'm not stupid. I wanted it that way. See these are Draco's thoughts. He's upset and depressed and of course his thoughts will be jumbled. And as for the end. Did Harry really show up and save him or was he hallucinating? I'm anticipating that question you see. I wrote it that way cause...well I donno maybe I'll decide to add on to it an make it a fic. Right now I'm not sure. Both things sort of work though you know. Anyway. Please review...
And for all of my loyal Things Change reviewers. I'm almost done with the next chapter!! Lets just say that depression inspires me.
I'll see everyone soon
Kaydera