What do you do when this isn't what you wish it would be?
"Hey James!" he shouted after his friend, who was walking about fifty meters in front of him.

"What?" James shouted back at him without slowing down or even turning his head.
"What did she say?" he asked after catching up with him.

"She pretty much asked me to go to hell." James grumbled.

"Oh… well… better luck next time, friend." he said slowly, as if he was trying to find the word most fitting for the moment. "She doesn't know you, you know?" James shot him a dirty look.

"Shut it Sirius, I don't need you stupid tries to console me right now." James snarled, looking straight ahead, but obviously not seeing as he bumped into a first-year.

"Hey, you don't have to get angry at me; I'm your best friend, mate." Sirius acted like he was shocked at his friend's reaction.

"Shut it mate. "

"Okay." Sirius said. "I'll just leave you alone then." When James didn't respond he left.

"So, he's upset?" Remus asked sounding bored.

"Yepp, he always is." Sirius answered. "It's getting annoying. I mean, why does he keep asking if he only gets put down?" he asked his wiser friend.

"I don't know, he won't talk about it or her around me."

"Gee, I don't get it. It can't be a problem, he has always been able to talk before!" Sirius gave his friend an annoyed look. Remus shrugged, watching Sirius pull his black bangs out of his eyes.

"Well, maybe we should just leave him alone? His doesn't want to talk so…" he suggested.

"It's just… why is it like this? We have all these secrets together and now he won't tell us if something's wrong, he doesn't say anything, it's not like we've changed."

"Well, he has." Sirius glared at Remus.

"I can't talk to you. I need James, he always feels the way I do." Remus sighed as he watched his black headed friend left in a huff.

"There's someone who has to blow everything up." he heard a girls voice behind him.

"Hey, Luce." he said.

"Hey." she answered. "He's annoyed at James still huh?"

"Yeah. Outraged that James has shut him out." he sighed.

"Well… I would be too if my best friend started shutting me out of my life." Luce sat down in the chair Sirius previously left.

"But James would talk to him if he just calmed down a bit." he sighed once again. "I'm sick of having to listen to all this crap." Luce laughed at him. "Thanks Luce, makes me feel all that better." he mumbled. She grinned making him smile as well.

She sighed tiredly, putting her head in her hands, wishing she could just go to sleep.

"Hey." The voice she heard made her look up and that hopeless feeling fade, if only a little.

"Why are you here?" she asked slowly.

"Well, you didn't show up, so I thought you'd be here." his lips formed a small smile, making her want to smile as well.

"I should find a new hiding place huh?"she said sheepish.



"Nah… then I would have to look for you, not only go to this place as a first guess." She frowned at the strange sentence.

"Well, I don't know, can't you just leave me alone? I need to think."

"No. You're all upset. I can't leave you alone now that I've found you like this." he said. She looked at him.

"Please, I can't listen to all of those things again." Her voice was empty, drained of emotion.

"Listen to what?" he asked carefully, in a soft tone to not upset her even more.

"To that 'I'm so stupid, I should have known better'-crap." Her voice shook, showing that she was on the verge of crying.

"Hey, what happened?" he asked, finally sitting down next to her. "And whatever happened, you're not stupid."

"Yeah, like you're gonna believe that when you hear it." she mumbled.

"You know me, I always think the best of you." he joked in a desperate attempt to make her smile or even laugh.

"Yeah. That's not fair, I was I could believe in people that way." she said, still struggling with the tears.

"So… are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked. "Or do I have to run around asking everyone?" At this, she smiled.

"I found out Chase cheated during the whole time we were going out." she whispered.

"Oh." James said. This didn't come as a shock, the guy had always had a thing for hiding and not turning up. "Well, he always was an asshole." He then shrugged.

"Yeah. Everyone suddenly thinks so." She whispered the words out.

"Hey, I always thought so." he protested. "And I told you so."

"Haha." she laughed weakly. "But wasn't that because you wanted me to go out with you instead?" she asked turning her head slightly.

"Well… maybe a little."

Honey? Honey? Where are you? Honey? I miss you, where are you?

She shivered. Why were all these memories haunting her? Why couldn't the voices just leave her alone? All she wished for was to not have to live in a nightmare. All those words that wouldn't leave her alone, the ones who kept hurting her more than she thought was ever possible.

"Lucy?" a voice she couldn't place called.

"What?" she asked quietly.

"Are you okay?" the voice asked, it sounded like it belonged to a girl.

"I'm fine." she muttered.

"Well… you don't look like it." the other girl said slowly. Lucy looked up and identified the girl quickly as Lily Evans, the girl who was making life hard on her closest friend. One of the reasons to why it only took her a second to place her was her bright red hair and green eyes, the other that James had been asking her out since year two.

"Why are you talking to me?" Lucy asked not too nicely.

"Well… you're friends with Remus and I'm friends with Remus so I thought…" Lily said sounding very unsure of herself.

"You're making life hell for them right now, I don't see how someone who inflicts pain on someone else can call them their friends." Lucy's tone turned dangerous.



"I didn't know that I was hurting him…" Lily tried.

"Maybe you should look outside of your little bubble every once and a while."

"Why are you so mean? I haven't done anything to you." The redhead sobbed.

"Lily. I hear all that you say to James, I hear everything James says to Sirius, Remus and Peter and I hear their desperation to help their friend. I know what it does to them, I have the right to not like you." Lucy's voice was bored, this conversation wasn't one that she was enjoying.

"You can't blame me for all that…" Lily's voice was nothing more than a whisper. "You can't say that it's my fault…"

"Lily. You don't like hearing this huh?"

"Of course I don't! Who would like listening to someone saying that their fucking up others lives?!" Lily's anger was clearly heard in her voice.

"You've always been acting like you know them, but have you ever talked to them?" Lucy asked slowly, looking up at Lily under her brown bangs.

"I hadn't before. I guess that was childish. But I've really grown to like James, I care about him." she sat down. "And… he's upset that I won't go out with him even if I've said that I like him."

"You don't have to rush anything Lily." Lucy said. "I know he's a good guy and all that…"

"But, you know… I don't like the way everyone would stare… and Sirius doesn't like me." Lily looked down, ashamed of her thoughts.

"Yeah… well you've made his best friend miserable, what do you expect."

"I guess I don't deserve it…"

"No you don't." Lily looked up at this. "I'm not your friend Lily, I don't know you and you don't know me. But I can be nice to you since you mean a lot to Remus, and he's the only one who knows me." At this Lucy stood and walked away, leaving Lily with a messy mind and newly opened eyes.

"You really make a difference even if you don't know it Lucy Wilson." Lily mumbled, watching the other girl leave.

"What's up with all of this? Why are they giving us homework when we're done with all the exams and stuff?" Sirius groaned.

"They want us to do something over the holidays." James replied.

"But all I'm gonna do is eat. It's Christmas you know." Sirius kept complaining.

"Are you really going to live with the Potters even when James isn't there?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, they said it's okay." Sirius shrugged.

"It won't feel weird?"

"If it does he'll just go home." James said, thinking that they'd already had this conversation a few times.

"Why are you staying here?" Peter asked.

"I've already told you that Peter, I want to stay at least once." James said and ran his fingers though his black, messy hair.

"Okay…" Peter said slowly, shaking his head at his friends temper.

"Hi Luce." Remus said to the brown-headed girl how sat down next to him.

"Hello." she said. "You've talked to Lily." He nodded.

"Why are you so hard on her, you don't know her." he scowled at her.



"And you take her side also." Lucy sighed. "You know, she can stand up for herself."

"I'm not saying that she can't, I'm just telling you that you can't run around hurting other people's feelings like that!" he said louder. "Just because you don't have any doesn't mean that you can walk all over others!"

"You know, I was wrong with Lily yesterday." she said.

"Really?" Remus asked astonished.

"Yeah, I told her you were the my friend and the only one who knows me, but I was wrong. If you knew me you wouldn't have said that." She left him staring after her.

"Well… that was new." James said having overheard the conversation. "She never gets upset." Remus looked at him.

"I screwed up right?" he asked with a weak voice.

"You did."

"Shit." Remus left the table to find his friend.

Please go away.

Please go away.

Please?

She opened her eyes and saw that it was still there, her wishes were for nothing.

"Damn." she cursed, biting her lower lip.

"Sorry." She then heard a voice say.

"Go away Remus, I want to be alone." she said, cringing when she realized that her words were very much alike the words Lily had said to James a few days prior.

"Come on Luce, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you or anything." Remus tried, thinking her mood was directly a reaction of his words.

"Please, Remus I don't care what you said right now, just go away." she moaned, trying to stop the vomit coming up her throat.

"Okay… I'll talk to you later then…" he said, talking to the door, and slowly turning away, leaving her because she told him to, even if he thought it would be better to stay. As Lucy heard the door close she let the vomit out.

"James!" Lily shouted after the said guy.

"Anything wrong?" he asked, slowly turning to face her.

"Well… I was wondering if you would like to go out and eat with me tonight…" she said shyly.

"You mean like… as friends?" he asked, suddenly also shy.

"Or like… a date, if you're interested." she said quickly.

"Umm…" James mind stopped working. "You're kidding?"

"No… but, umm well we can just not go if you don't want to…" she said and started walking away.

"Lily!" he shouted when she had come almost a hundred meters. "See you at seven!" she waved and smiled, not that he could see it.

"Why are you smiling? It's starting to creep me out." Frank said looking at him like he was a maniac.

"Can't help it." James answered with the huge grin still on his face.



"Okay, well… hope it's something good then." Frank said.

"It is, trust me, it is." James said.

"Hi Remus." Lucy said to the boy with sand colored hair. He turned his brown eyes towards her and blinked surprised.

"Hello Lucy." he said slowly.

"Life's better?" she asked.

"Yeah… James and Lily are happy together… why do you ask?" he asked, still amazed that she was talking to him.

"I just wanted to know that you were okay." she shrugged.

"Okay… how are you?" he asked after a few minutes silence.

"I'm fine… or well, could be worse, could be better." Once again she shrugged.

"Oh… so um… what are you doing after school?" he asked.

"Don't know, whatever comes up, hopefully don't get killed." she said.

"Yeah… I want to be a teacher, but you already know that huh?" he asked, not forgetting that she knew most things going on in the school.

"Yeah, you told me last year." she said, and Remus found himself once again amazed that the girl could remember things no one else seemed to remember.

"Oh, I don't remember that." She shrugged.

"We talked a lot last year, you can't remember it all." she said. "You'll be a good teacher."

"You think so? James, Sirius, Peter and Lily say so too, but they say most things to make me happy. At least you're honest." he smiled at her, and she smiled a small smile back.

"Well, you shouldn't lie, everyone keeps something, I try to be honest with the things I can." she said. "But you'd know about that wouldn't you?" Remus stared at her, frozen.

Could she really know that?

She laughed. "I know a lot more than you think Remus, take care." And with that she left him.