Jeeves and the Starfleet Officers
by M. O'Ribund (moribund@kos.net)
Crossover between TOS Trek and the Jeeves and Wooster Characters from the P.G. Wodehouse books and Masterpiece Theatre episodes.
Disclaimer:
Paramount owns all of Star Trek.
The estate of P.G. Wodehouse owns the rights to Jeeves and Wooster.
Summary: Kirk and Uhura are accidentally beamed to 1920s London into the apartment of Jeeves and Wooster (P.G. Wodehouse characters). K&U want to return to the Enterprise and Jeeves, the butler, has a cunning plan, but when Wooster carries it out, the usual unexpected complications pop up. First person - from Wooster's point of view.
---
One really hates to have the spinal nerves given the elbow by a pair of Starfleet Officers popping out of thin air before the morning eggs and B. The A.M. of the 29th found me especially vulnerable. I had just returned from a long trip to escape my dear, but menacing, Aunt Agatha, and the display of one of my souvenirs had opened a rift between Jeeves and I.
"Jeeves, my whole approach to this affair has been scientific from the first and events will prove your doubts have been misguided."
"Of course, sir."
"And there's no need to hide those doubts behind an 'of course' delivered in that tone of voice. This silver giraffe that I brought back from, oh, what was the name of that country -"
"I believe it was ..."
"Oh never mind the country, Jeeves, the key is that it is touched by the all-seeing tentacles of capitalism - the key to my victory in the upcoming 'Drones Club' Animal tournament. I simply select the most expensive qualifying item - viz, this Animal of animals - and capitalism assures me that it has the highest quality, allowing Gussie Fink-Nottle, his newts, and any other contenders to gulp the dust from my chariot wheels. Do you not follow that, Jeeves?"
"Like a leopard, Sir. However, I must point out that -"
At this point, Jeeves and I both noticed two largish floating soda water bottles, without the bottle, on the floor, with plenty of fizz and ginger, next to the piano. They sparkled for a while, then turned into a man and woman. Were Inspector Biffin here, he might deduce they were headmaster and headmistress of some radical Scout troupe to judge from their uniforms.
"Enterprise, beam us out right away!" The hmtr. spoke in a Colonial accent - American, I think - into a cigarette lighter and after, to his surprise, it did not answer back, the hmts. pointed her leather case at it, which seemed to set off a tuning fork inside it.
"Dammit, Uhura, why can't I get through." This was asked rather in the manner of the leader of a pack of Russian wolves dealing with a member who has not brought in its weekly quota of peasants.
"I have tried all frequencies, Sir, the ion surge which diverted us here must be drowning out our signal." Her accent was American too.
"Then, ... if we can't find a way to contact the Enterprise in the next 4 hours and twenty minutes, ... we will be ... trapped here ... forever!"
***
"Jolly nice plant, isn't it?" He had been staring at a spot in the distance for several seconds so I followed his gaze to the spot of greenery Jeeves had brought back.
"Plant?" He whirled around and looked at me.
"Not quite right on the mantel, there. I fancy it hanging over the radio-set."
"Yes ... of course... that may be the answer. If we ..."
"Excuse my curiosity." It was time for the master of the house to assert himself. "Am I to be the lucky recipient of your good deed for today? Are similar pairs of scouts appearing all over London at this moment?"
"Scouts?" The hmtr. had turned to me. "You are mistaken, I'm afraid. We are actually, um, Starfleet Scientists. We were, um, conducting astronomical experiments and seem to have ... become lost."
***
I must congratulate my ancestors, for strange as this situation was, it was covered by the Wooster code. Treatment of lost travellers is quite clearly set out. "Have no fear, for fate has placed you within brick throwing distance of London's top problem solver. May I present my valet, Mr. Jeeves."
"Good morning Sir, Madam."
"And my name is Bertram Wooster. Jeeves, please bring us some of that excellent breakfast tea."
Their names turned out to be James Tea-Kirk and Miss something-or-other Uhura. "Ah, I went to school with a Eustace Whiskington-Kirk. We used to call him Church Mouse. Any relation?"
"Why, yes, I know that name, he's my ..., never mind that now, Mr. Wooster, I need to get back to my ship. We might ..."
"Really, I must question the desirability of returning to this ship of yours - to lose one scientist may be regarded as a misfortune, losing two looks like carelessness."
"You know your Wilde, Mr. Wooster."
"Am I? Well, thank you for saying so, Miss Uhura." She gave me a puzzled look. "What you need is to lay the details before Jeeves when he returns and perhaps allow him some fish to activate his brain. Then you will see him produce yet another of his masterful plans. "
Tea-Kirk mused for a few moments. "All right. You realize that, uh, naval security only allows us to give you limited information, but we need to somehow penetrate the storm to contact our ship. Now, Uhura, would I be correct in saying that a powerful electromagnetic source, such as a radio transmitter, could somehow be used to boost our communicators?"
"Yes, sir, that would create a directed longitudinal quark cascade modulated to our subspace frequency. "
"Good, how long would the adaptation take?"
"Not more than ten minutes, sir. The problem is that the flux capacitors weren't designed to handle that much power. It could trigger a catastrophic discharge with a lethal electromagnetic pulse."
"Any other ideas?"
"Our tricorders contain Rhodinium, sir, so I could build a fusion circuit with a block of platinum. A pound or two would be ...
"Are there any options which do NOT require the use of platinum?"
"No others within our time limit, Captain."
This sort of talk had almost drowned me when I was saved by Jeeves return. "Your tea, Miss, Sir."
"Thank you, Jeeves. We have been discussing various options..."
"No, there is no option." Kirk stood up, "Dammit, we must take the risk and find a radio station quickly."
"Any ideas, Jeeves?"
"Yes, sir. If you recall, Miss Craye is presently involved in a radio production of her play, 'Spindrift'. Should she be so inclined, she could allow us access to the station's facilities."
"Jeeves! You would have me voluntarily go near that menace to bachelorhood? One misstep and I'll find myself engaged to her again."
"I would consider that danger remote, sir. This mornings Times contains her engagement announcement to Mr. Cheesewright."
"Stilton Cheesewright officially affianced to Florence, eh? Very well, I will carry out your plan."
***
I gave Florence a ring and after chatting of this and that I put my request to her. Her words were all I could hope for until, "... You needn't have gone to all this trouble creating an intricate excuse to see me - I broke my engagement last night, so the way for us is clear. Toodlepip, Bertie, dear, I'll be there in 5 minutes."
"Oh no, Jeeves, I am an inch away from another engagement to Florence. Do you remember her plans for me during the last one? A halt to smoking, violin concertos every Tuesday, a carefully selected sequence of novels to mould my character, ... "
Kirk spoke up. "I may be able to, uh, distract Miss Craye while Uhura works with the transmitter."
This gave me some hope as I prodded a moody fork at the b. while waiting for Florence to arrive.
"Miss Florence Craye." Jeeves announced her.
"Florence, old thing, wonderful to see you. May I present Mr. James Tea-Kirk and Miss Uhura"
"Good Morning, Miss Craye."
"Good Morning, Miss Craye."
"Oh, Bertie, you didn't tell me your friends were Americans. This is perfect timing. I need some atmosphere for my novel and the trickiest character is a U.S. double-agent. Before visiting the radio station, we shall conduct a morally justified burglary."
"But Florence, I must protest ..."
"Now, Bertie, the man I marry will not oil away from danger, but embrace it as a welcome friend."
"You know, Miss Craye, the Rigelian poet, Globoda, felt that same sentiment while in a decaying nebular orbit." Tea-Kirk made another fixed gaze at one end of the ceiling and swivelled his head slowly to stare straight up and then swung down to stare at the ground. "The famous words of his last transmission were '... "
"Dam this stream of American idioms! Mr. Kirk, Mr Wooster, follow me." Florence's tone of command gave me shivers. It would ruthlessly mould whomever became her husband.
Seeing no choice if Kirk was to get back to his ship, 10 minutes later we found ourselves outside one of those tallish mansions whose ditches I wouldn't be caught dead in. We were receiving instructions.
"The goal here is to recover the statue 'Young child with Cat' by van Goghan from Pandora Braithwaite. First ..."
***
Kirk swung her around by her arm. "Miss Wickham, our sensors intercepted a radio transmission indicating that the statue you mention was sold at Sotheby's to a man named Roderick Spode. Dammit, if you're going to involve me in this plan, you're going to have to trust me." He had a hold of both her shoulders now and was shaking them.
"What you don't know, Mr. Kirk, is that my treacherous cousin, Pandora, stole it from him before I could carry out my theft. We are here to balance the scales. We will follow the general plan used to steal the Naval blueprints in 'Mystery of the Pink Crayfish.' A rope over the 3rd floor gargoyle, a quick yet stealthy climb, then but the work of a moment to ..."
"I say, that gargoyle looks a bit thinnish; it wouldn't do to have it break while one of us was climbing. I mention this merely out of concern for your safety."
"What! Would Inspector Biffin put The Countess at risk in one of his operations? Besides, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Get up there at once!"
She handed me the rope. I saw no way out. I made a goodish loop with the end and knotted it tight. After a few swings I whizzed it up at the gargoyle. As I expected, the first try missed, but as the loop fell onto the balcony.
"Pull it down and try again, Bertie."
I pulled on the rope, but it seemed caught on something, so I gave it a hard tug, which is when the nightmare really began.
***
I had expected to see the loop come over the edge of the balcony, but instead it was Roderick Spode's scowling face.
"Wooster! You!" That was all he managed to say on his way down and it looked like it would be an hour or two before he would say anything more. I should mention that during the fall, a small grey item flew from his hands to crash against the wall.
"Bertie, look what you've done! 'Young Child with Cat' is smashed into a thousand pieces. If you think I'm going to allow you within a hundred miles of my radio station you can have three more guesses. Good-day!" She turned and stalked away.
"Florence ..." At this point all looked bleak for Kirk and I.
***
"Ahem, excuse me, Sir, ..., Mr. Kirk." It was the voice of Jeeves.
"Jeeves, how on earth did you get here?" I turned around. Miss Uhura was there as well.
"Dammit, Uhura, shouldn't you be back working on the circuit?" Kirk was gritting his teeth.
"Captain, Jeeves managed to locate sufficient platinum to create a fusion amplifier. I have this communicator set to relay to the apartment and then to the ship." She handed him the cigarette holder.
"Good work, Uhura. I won't ask you two how you got the platinum." He opened the cigarette holder, which gave a friendly beep. "Kirk to Enterprise, two to beam, uh, over."
They did their fizz and ginger routine in reverse and disappeared.
"A most exhilarating experience, Sir. Miss Uhura and I travelled here by that mode of transportation."
"What's all this about you purloining platinum, Jeeves?"
"I must assure you, Sir, it involved no forceful dispossession. The amplification of which Miss Uhura spoke required the consumption of a block of platinum. As I have been attempting to mention previously, Sir, the reason for your metallic giraffe's high price was not its artistic quality, rather that its composition was platinum."
"Jeeves, not my prize giraffe ..."
"I am afraid so, Sir."