Disclaimer: I do not own any of J.K Rowling characters nor do i gain any financial profit out of this fanfiction.
A/N: There is an implied sexual relationship with a minor in the begining, but through the rest of the story Harry is in his 7th year, pre-graduation.
Carpe diem From Latin. Seize the day
CARPE DIEM
"I need you." I whispered into the night but you were sleeping, too exhausted to hear anything. It is the same every night – you come back, we make love and you leave again after barely few hours of sleep.
It is morning already. I glance in your direction and just like yesterday, you're standing in the doorway - waiting. I tell myself that there is no way I will approach you, that today is no different from the other days… but we both know I'm just refusing to face reality.
And you're still waiting. I know that eventually you will give up and walk away. Like every other goddamn morning… And I will turn away from the dull sound of a door being shut, wishing it was as easy to escape my own dull heartbeats.
But the difference between last time and today is that this time, there is no tomorrow for us. And we both know it.
A few more moments of silence and I finally break. I drop my pretense and stride to you, dignity and strength forgotten. A mere foot away, you spread your arms and I fall into your inviting embrace. You wrap your strong arms around me and let out a breath I believe you were secretly holding for three years.
"Finally…" you whisper, and I can almost hear the smile in your voice.
Your smiles were always a rare sight, something I cherished almost as much as the few hours we spent together. And now standing here in your embrace, I suddenly realize that I don't want to have only memories of those smiles. I don't want to have rumpled sheets and dirty dishes as the only proof of our existence together.
Suddenly, I understand that whenever I thought you weren't giving me enough of your time, you were actually giving me all the time you had, all your life. And now there is no more time. No more time to say all those things I had planned to say someday, no more time to live the moments we missed, no more time to love. Why must I fight the last battle if all that is dear to me will be lost along with Voldemort?
"Don't leave." I say without thinking, too wrapped up in my emotions, but a part of me knows it is already too late.
"Please just don't leave… I need you," I add a bit more desperately- for desperate is what I am -and this time you're fully awake and I'm not whispering.
I feel your arms tighten around me for a brief moment and then relax, as if letting me go – resigned. But I take none of it - I just press myself harder against your solid frame and bury my face in the crook of your neck. Once more I feel like the lost child I always was, guided solely by the steady beat of your heart.
"I can't stand seeing you in the doorway every time." I say and my breath hitches when the next thought invades my mind. "I'm- I'm scared, Severus."
One of your hands slides down from my shoulders to the waist and up again, soothing me wordlessly, for with you, words were never good enough.
"I'm scared of never seeing you come in through that door again, once you walk away." I confess and grip your robes, twisting them with both hands for my heart twists just the same, and I just have to let it out lest I break down.
But your voice, like your words – warm and gentle and so very out of character, caresses my ear. "But I'm here now. And I will be here tomorrow, just like yesterday."
I think about your statement and marvel at how true it is.
You were indeed always here, rarely physically but always on my mind. The mere thought that you were out there somewhere, risking your life to help me vanquish You Know Who was the main reason for my stress and worry, but also for my peace and the gratitude I have towards you.
In the end, we all die. But every hour you spent with the Dark Lord granted me another hour of a peaceful sleep, an hour of life.
You always said that I was 'unimaginably lucky but unlucky enough to have a limited luck', and while the rest of the world tried to keep me in the dark, only you had the courage to tell me the truth. With time and your help, I learned to live each day as if it was my last, for now I knew it could be.
Your cold hand on my nape brings me out of my thoughts and I look up just in time to catch your lips with mine. The kiss is short and not as deep as the one we shared last night, with you on top of me… inside me…, but still it speaks volumes in a nonexistent language – your apology and my forgiveness.
"Why don't you bring me my wand? It is in the bedroom."
I know that when I'll come back you will no longer be here, but I still force a smile and leave the room in search for your wand. Today you won't need it, for everything you wish to lose is already with you – your life.
And as for me…, I barely make the turn towards our bedroom when I hear the soft sound of a door being shut. The emptiness becomes once again my companion and I feel like giving up, and just breaking down, but I keep walking. And although the traitorous tears trickle down my chin, I raise it up - for you loved me the most when I was strong.
"Dum loquimur, fugerit invida aetas: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero."
("Even as we speak, envious time is running away from us. Seize the day,and trust as little as possible in the future.")
- FIN -